Disclaimer: The copyright to the New Mutants belongs to Marvel.

Title: The insanity that's called college life

Author: Hekatis

Rating: PG

Summary: You _can_ survive college life -- the question is at what price.

Characters: Doug, Roberto, Illyana, Dani, Rahne, Sam, Amara, Warlock

Type: NM parody

Feedback: Always welcome. Please write to  hekatis@hotmail.com

Author's note: I survived another semester of computer science and am trying
to remember how to write something else besides nice computer programs that
sort grades or compute intersections between lines.
I'm not quite sure, however, how much of my sanity survived.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this story about the insanity that is a college
student's life.
(I'm also offering you a nice quiz:
Anyone who recognizes the computer science problems I have Illyana wrestle
with gets 4 points for each problem. Anyone who guesses what Doug is
actually supposed to be studying gets 8 points. The winner gets the source
code for a Java program that prints "Congratulations. You won.".)


The insanity that's called college life


Doug enters the house through the unlocked door.
He sees Roberto in front of the TV set, watching 'The Simpsons'.

Roberto (without looking up): "Hi, Doug. Haven't seen you in a long time."

Doug (sarcastically): "It might help if you looked at me sometimes."

Roberto (unmoved):  "How many of your exams did you pass?"

Doug (exasperated): "All of them, of course. I got an A for my course about
Chinese poems and a B+ for my report about business negotiation customs in
Nepal."

Roberto (casually): "I passed my statistics, basics of macroeconomy, basics
of microeconomy, basics of law, economic calculus and basics of Japanese
courses with a flat A."

Doug (not going to be provoked, he's wasted enough of his waking life being
annoyed at Roberto): "I'm glad you excel at your studies. Where's Rahne, by
the way?"

Roberto: "Either she's still studying for her pedagogics exam or she's
preparing dinner."

Doug (licking his lips): "Rahne's an excellent cook."

Roberto: "I wouldn't actually count on her cooking something herself. She's
been kind of preoccupied with her imminent exams lately."

Doug raises his eyebrows questioningly.

Roberto: "Pedagogics can be tough."

At this moment, Rahne enters the living room. In one hand, she is holding 
a dust cloth, in the other, she balances a book in which she is reading
intensely.

She starts to dust off the furniture with slow, strained motions. Suddenly,
she sinks to the floor.  
The dust cloth settles beside her.
Rahne tries to lift it and get up again, but in vain.

Rahne: "I can't lift this dust cloth. It's too heavy."

Illyana comes in, also engrossed in a book.
She almost trips over Rahne.

Illyana: "You want me to dust off the furniture for you?"

Without waiting for a reply, she grabs the dust cloth and starts fencing
violently with each single grain of dust.

Doug: "Can it be that you guys have gotten even more weird since I moved
out?"

Amara comes in, Warlock in tow.
She scans the living room.
Amara: "I think blue lava lamps would fit in well. Warlock, can you turn
into a set of blue lava lamps?"

Doug: "I thought Amara was studying engineering so that she can help the
Nova Romans build better bridges. Since when has she been into interior
decorating?"

Roberto: "She's developed a talent for organizing cool parties -- twice a
week."

Doug: "Doesn't that disturb you when you want to study?"

Roberto (innocently): "She invites us to her parties as honored guests --
didn't she invite you?"

Doug starts pouting.

Roberto (to Illyana): "Yana, do you want to go out tonight? I've got tickets
for the Red Thunder concert."

Illyana: "You know I've got no time to go out. I need to study (bashes the
sofa hard) for this damned (bashes the sofa harder) test (this time, the
sofa collapses)."

Doug (mouth agape): "Illyana is studying for a test?!? But she keeps no
course longer than a few weeks! How can she be taking any exams?!??"

Illyana (annoyed): "I keep my courses longer than you keep your apartments."

Roberto: "Don't argue with my girlfriend -- that's my domain.
What about Saturday, Yana. We could eat in a good restaurant and go to the
movies afterwards."

Illyana (enraged): "I -- don't -- have -- time!"

Roberto: "What about Sunday? You bake a cake and we spend the afternoon at a
cool lake?"

Illyana throws her dust cloth at Roberto and storms out of the room.

Doug: "Your relationship hasn't lost any passion."

Roberto: "I'm just getting back at her for all the times when I was studying
for my exams and she wasn't studying anything and asked me out to the movies
or the theater or a fashion show her demons had organized."

Doug: "Have the two of you ever considered a normal relationship?"

Roberto: "Where would the fun be in that?"

Rahne (clambering to her feet): "If I ever survive my exams and if you
should ever have the money to pay a good therapist, I'll have a job for
three lifetimes."

She leaves the room.

Doug: "Can it be that she was less cynical before she started studying
pedagogics?"

Roberto: "She's beginning to see our flaws through a scientific
perspective."

Illyana enters again and hurtles a balloon filled with cold water at
Roberto. It hits its target, explodes and splashes both Roberto and Doug.

Doug (stoically, after all, he's used to suffering): "What happened to the
good old days when you simply cursed people who offended you? Effective, no
side effects and no innocent bystanders were hurt."

Roberto (smugly): "She's no longer allowed to do that. The bureau for
magical affairs found out that she doesn't have a license."

Illyana (furious): "These idiots forbade me to use my powers until I pass 
an exam in both theoretical and practical sorcery."

Roberto: "She passed the practical part when she turned the investigators
the BMA sent into monkeys."

Illyana: "It's the theory that's eating me up. What use is it to construct 
a non-deterministic finite automation with seven and a half states that
recognizes all spells that end in 'abracadabra'?"

Roberto takes Illyana into his arms to comfort her.

Roberto: "You want to take a look at my notes about calculus? That's always
helped you so far."

Doug: "Why didn't you do what you always to do people that annoy you: send
them to Limbo?"

Roberto: "She did do that in the beginning."

Illyana: "My demons complained they couldn't deal with idiots more than
twice their number."

"The Chinese food service has arrived," Rahne shouted from the adjacent
kitchen.

Illyana: "I'll come as soon as I've finished this chapter about convergence
criteria for clairvoyance spells."

Roberto: "Shall we leave you something for breakfast?"

Doug drags Roberto to the kitchen before Illyana can hurtle another balloon
at him."

Roberto (astonished): "Since when have you been courageous enough to drag me
off to another room?"

Doug (with the usual stoicism a life of pain has taught him): "In my last
apartment, I had to share the balcony with a colony of ants. I always had to
wrestle with them before I could pick some of the grapes that grew there."

Amara: "Why did you move out when it was so beneficial to your fitness?"

Doug: "I got fed up with some hundred ants visiting me for breakfast each
day and snatching all the raisins from my cereals?"

Amara: "You could have eaten the ants to retaliate. Grilled ants are a
delicious and healthy meal."

"You're really not born for wildlife," Dani adds as she places a thick book
of about 3000 pages on the table.
"You know, I'm offering survival courses in the town park. I'll give you 
a discount if you want to join."

Amara: "And if you're already in the progress of changing your life, do you
think you could work on those purple sweaters of yours? They really do not
fit with the kitchen's decor."

Sam: "Let's start eating before the food grows cold."

Roberto: "You're assuming it's ever been hot?"

Sam serves himself by placing a huge portion of rice on his plate.

Dani: "On which right do you base your claim to this large chunk of rice?"

Sam: "Ahm -- I'm hungry?"

Dani: "That's no legal basis at all. Did you grow this rice? Did you
conclude a contract granting you ownership over it? Have you filed a request
for rice assistance?"

Sam: "Ahm, no."

Dani: "Then you should wait until we have elected an arbiter to equally
distribute the rice among us. I propose the following election scheme ..."

Roberto: "Ahm, Dani, you want some of the rice, too, or can I have the last
three grains?"

Doug: "Is it possible that studying law has a negative influence on one's
personality?"

Dani: "What would make you think so?"

Illyana comes in.

Roberto: "Do you want to do the washing up, Yana? It could relieve some of
your learning-induced tension."

Dani: "It could also lead to a shortage in non-damaged tableware."

Sam: "What did we buy a dishwasher for?"

Illyana: "Because you thought my demons didn't clean the dishes neatly
enough?"

Roberto: "Because we thought your demons looked incredibly ridiculous in
their aprons with these little lilac mice on them?"

Illyana: "You're insulting my demons' fashion taste?"
She prepares to fling a saucer at Roberto.

Rahne: "Are you sure you want to throw this saucer? It might get damaged in
the process."

Illyana settles on throwing a sponge instead. Roberto uses Dani's law book
to block.

Roberto: "Couldn't you bring something lighter to dinner, Dani? I can hardly
lift this."

Doug (to Illyana): "You mean, your demons buy their clothes themselves? That
explains a lot."

Illyana: "That explains what?"

Doug: "Well, there are all these ugly clothes in the shops -- dresses with a
pattern of mauve, orange, yellow and gray, shirts in bunny-pink and
apple-green, blouses that give you the figure of an elephant -- all these
clothes that you'd think will never be sold to a sensible human being but
that are sold nonetheless.."

Illyana starts to collect saucers in front of her.

Rahne: "Doug, are you sure you want to continue your speech? It might have
unpleasant consequences for you and our tableware."

Doug (gets the warning): "I mean, all these clothes that no human being
could want buy because they look good only on demons."

Illyana loses her menacing glare and starts to clean the saucers of scraps.

Rahne: "Are you sure you want to dispose of the food? You will no longer be
able to eat it."

Illyana merely shrugs and put the saucers into the dishwasher.

Rahne: "Are you sure you want to put the saucers into the dishwasher? They
might lose some of their colors."

Doug: "Have you been working with Windows a lot lately, Rahne?"

Rahne: "Yes, why?"

Doug: "Just a question."

Meanwhile, Illyana has fallen asleep on the table.
Doug starts leafing through the book Illyana has been reading.

Roberto: "When she wakes up, just make her a cup of cocoa and don't ask her
any questions about dynamic and static binding spells."

The others leave.
Doug continues to read.
Doug: "That's interesting. I didn't know there was so much theory behind
magic. Wow. There are spells with only cubic complexity to see if among a
legion of demonic wasps two were cursed by the same sorcerer. The question
is whether to use quickcurse or heapcurse to undo the spell."

Illyana (sleepy): "You understand it?"

Doug: "It's easy. You just need to arrange the demons so that the demons in
the front ranks have more horns than those in the back."

Illyana: "Could you implement it for me in 'Lava'?"

Doug: "I'm busy changing apartments."

Illyana: "Why did you have to move out at all? I offered you a portal that
leads directly to the university, shopping facilities and the town center."

Doug: "Using this portal included a nice walk through Limbo."

Illyana: "If you had chosen studies that occupied you enough so that you
would have always been busy looking into your books like the others were,
you wouldn't even have noticed."

She thinks for a moment.

Illyana: "You know, if I had permission to use Limbo again, I could regain
my teleporting power and help you move."

Doug: "I admire your selflessness."

Illyana: "Is that a yes?"

Doug: "Can I think about it until tomorrow?"
He stares questioningly at Illyana's tail that is dangling hypnotically in
front of his eyes.

Illyana: "You've concluded at least 20 leases in the past months and you're
still hesitant about contracts with dark powers?"

***************************************

One month later:

"I passed my pedagogics exam. Now I can forget all the 1011 definitions I
had to memorize!" Rahne rejoices, throws her green hat into the air, morphs
into wolf form and does a dance on the kitchen table.

"I finished my Magister paper about the influence the colors used in
placards have on the outcome of election campaigns in India," Sam states
contentedly and treats himself to a glass of orange juice.

Doug (to Roberto): "Isn't it alarming how normal Sam has remained throughout
his studies of political science but especially during the time he was
writing his Magister paper?"

Roberto: "Truly alarming. I'll contemplate it after I've watched Sailor
Moon."

Doug: "You watch Sailor Moon?!?"

Roberto: "I own three Sailor Moon merchandise companies."

At this moment, Illyana bursts into the kitchen through one of her stepping
disks.

Illyana (jubilant): "I passed my theoretical sorceress exam! Now all I need
to do to regain my license is write some paper about a useful spell."

Doug: "You know the exact topic yet?"

Illyana: "They want me to devise a spell that recognizes for all other
spells whether they will terminate or not. That shouldn't be too difficult.
And I've got as much time as I need to finish it."

She bounces off to start work.

Doug: "Can it be that this sorcery commission really doesn't like her?"

Roberto: "Why? This paper doesn't sound too complicated."

Doug: "The problem is impossible to solve."

Roberto: "O. Hmm... What do you think about this: I help you move for the rest
of your student life and you don't tell Illyana?"

Doug (who has been conducting business with dark powers a lot lately): "You
give me one of your Sailor Moon merchandise companies and we've got a deal."