Disclaimer: The New Mutants belong to Marvel. No copyright infringement is intended. Computers belong to their respective users – or don't they? Author: Hekatis Title: Of computers, depressions and demons (We knew there was a connection.) Rating: PG Type: NM parody Characters: Main roles: Dani, Illyana Appearances: Roberto, Sam, Doug, Rahne Feedback: Will be welcomed (provided my computer complies) at: hekatis@hotmail.com Archiving: Please ask first. Of computers, depressions and demons (We knew there was a connection.) by Hekatis "There's a car auction in town. Don't you want to come?" Sam yells encouragingly at Illyana and Dani, who are sulking quietly in the living room, the first for wanting so, the latter for need. "I'm sorry, Sam, but I still have to finish this chapter about accounting," Dani replies gloomily. "Well, okay. What about you, Illyana?" "First, I hate car auctions. Second, it's cold, it's raining and we _don't_ have a car. Third, I'm nursing a depression and who allowed you to speak to me?" Illyana spits back. Sam looks concerned now. "Is it that bad? Don't you want to talk about it? Are your demons teething?" Illyana tenses. "In case you have to know, my demons elected me out of office. I'm no longer their chosen ruler." "Does that mean you no longer control Limbo?" the shock makes Doug ask. "Could someone please lend me a demon-proof umbrella?" "It's not as though I'm no longer their _ruler_," Illyana explains, "it's just that by interdimensional standards I'm no longer allowed to call myself their _democratic_ ruler." "Is there a reason why you are so desperate to rule barbaric, cruel, half-to-nothing-witted creatures of hell?" Roberto inquires. "It's not as though you had any chance of understanding if I explained," Illyana retorts. "Couldn't you bribe or threaten them to vote for you?" Doug tries to be helpful. "Doug!" Rahne exclaims, exasperated. "Even if you're trying to cheer a friend up, you shouldn't suggest such illegal things." Then she adds more thoughtfully, "Should demons be given the right to vote at all?" Now it's Sam's turn to be shocked. "Rahne! They're sentient beings." "Well, shouldn't there be some preliminary conditions to being allowed to vote? Like having a soul?" Rahne defends herself. "Shouldn't we leave now in case we still want to see that car auction?" Roberto reminds them. "I don't have a good feeling about leaving Illyana alone in this state of mind," Doug broods. "Could anyone lend me holy armor?" "I'll look after her," Dani promises. "And now GET OUT!" "We'll bring you some candied almonds," Roberto cries back at her while he drags the others out of the house. "Men," Dani mutters under her breath, "they don't care how bad I feel but they fret as soon as a demon sorceress does so much as frown." Illyana looks at Dani with sudden interest. "You're feeling depressed, too?" "As opposed to you, Illyana, I can't indulge in it. I've work to do." "Why don't you assume that current and long-term liabilities of the firm whose balance sheet you're studying exceed its assets by far and file for bankruptcy under whichever chapter permits instant liquidation?" "You know about accounting?" Dani is flabbergasted. "Well, I read "Mr Marvelous' accounting course that will change your life" too. I was even the one who sold you your current copy at that Internet auction." "You know about the Internet?" "You really know how to insult me, Dani." "Uh, sorry. In any case, did it change your life?" "Do I look as though it changed my life? Apart from the fact that it decreased the balance of my checking account by 60$?" Dani angrily throws the book away. "You could have told me in advance that it's no use. You're definitely starting to resemble your demons." "I charged you only 59$ for the experience. Besides, none of my demons has the intelligence necessary for such a deal." Suddenly, Illyana's eyes light up. "Do you think I could make intelligence a criterion for voting rights?" "Now you insult me!" "Uh, sorry, I meant for my demons. I bet none of them can solve the traveling pillage demon problem." And she disappears in a stepping disk. "And now what am I going to do with my life?" Dani complains. When Illyana returns half an hour later, Dani is busy browsing an Internet job center. "Did you find something to give your life a new direction?" Illyana asks. "Not so far. Oh, wait, there's an offer for a porter at the N. Y. airport. Darn, they demand a Master in English." "What about that one? Detective Agency 'A. Investigations' searches for somebody to stand in for them during vacation." "I already called them. They require their substitutes to fight evil." "So what?" "I wanted to give my life a _new_ direction." "I see. What do you think about the computer industry? Do you feel the entrepreneurial spirit in you? Do you want to conquer new markets and wipe out your competitors? Do you want to help me build a computer empire?" "Ahm, Illyana, are you sure you're still sane?" Illyana hugs her. "Don't you want to show the world that you're good at accounting?" "Ahm, okay, let's deal with this rationally. What is this great new idea you have? You're going to teach your demons programming?" "Exactly. Or rather: almost. Look at this." Illyana produces a small box made from bone. "Your demons have become carpenters?" "My demons are inside this box. They are only the size of pinheads and – they are intelligent." "Wasn't that what you wanted to avoid?" "Oh, Dani, you don't understand. This is a new species I have discovered. I confronted them with the traveling pillage demon problem and they were able to solve it in twelve seconds. An ordinary computer would have taken more time than this universe has left before it dissolves." "Oh. And what is the traveling pillage demon problem?" "A demon wants to go on a plundering voyage. What is the shortest way that allows him to pillage all dimensions on his level of the netherworlds? These little fellows (she points to the bone box) can think in several dimensions at once and so investigate all possible solutions in parallel." "And how many prospective ransacking customers do you have?" "Of course they can calculate other things as well. Differential equations, real-time-war-forecasts, analysis of ice-cream... " And so Illyana and Dani start to build a prototype of their new computer with demon-processors inside. One evening, they are ready to present it to their friends. Everyone gathers in the living-room. "Okay, so this is your new computer," Doug states. "May I test it?" "Of course. You will be surprised at its speed." "We shall see. Computer, what is 2+2?" The lights go out. A great bang is heard. The ceiling shakes. "4," the computer has answered at light speed. "I am impressed," Roberto concedes. "How do you plan on assuring the power supply for more complicated tasks – like 2*2 + 1?" "You have to specify that they are not allowed to use more resources than necessary," Illyana explains sheepishly. "Computer, calculate 2*2 + 1, using only the resources you absolutely need." "5," the computer has shouted at light speed. Everyone goes deaf for some minutes. "We forgot to specify that they are not allowed to hurt us in the process," Dani declares. "Who are they?" Roberto inquires. "Do you have some monkeys inside?" The computer takes offense and sends some blue sparks in Roberto's direction. "The computer is driven by demons," Illyana explains. "I cast a binding spell on them so that they have to comply with the user's requests but they are still malevolent demons and try to interpret each command in a way that will annoy the user. I will have to work a lot on precise specifications." "Boy, this is certainly going to reform computer technology," Doug exclaims. "Why?" Roberto asks. "Will computers no longer crash?" "No, but from now on we will know whom to blame it on."