Subject: Re: dwd9

Disclaimer: The New Mutants are copyrighted by Marvel. This story is for
entertainment purposes only and no copyright infringement is intended.

Title: Dealing with Demons (9) -- New Beginnings

Author: Hekatis

Characters:
  main characters: Illyana, Kitty
  characters with short scenes: Roberto, Rahne, Xavier, Moira
  other characters with at least one sentence of dialogue: Dani, Sam, Amara,
Nightcrawler,

Summary: This is the Kitty/Illyana part of 'Dealing with Demons'.
Kitty tries to deal with having been changed by Ogun and having discovered
that her father was in league with the Yakuza, while Illyana struggles with
everyday life and her isolation among her peers.

Feedback: Would be very much appreciated. This is one of the longest stories
I have ever written and I'd like to know what my readers think.
(Please write to: hekatis@hotmail.com )

Thanks: To Luba, for betareading.

Archiving: Please ask first.

New beginnings

        by Hekatis

Illyana glanced at her watch again. The plane from Japan had arrived 20
minutes ago. Shouldn't Kitty be here by now, in the hall where she and most
of the X-men were waiting?
Lockheed, whom she was carrying in a bag, seemed to sense her nervousness
and began to stir.

"Shh, remember, you're not allowed to be here, so don't draw attention,"
Illyana advised the little dragon.

She heard a subdued growl from the bag but the stirring stopped.
There were times when Illyana believed that Lockheed understood exactly what
she said.

She had talked a lot to him during Kitty's absence. Talking to Lockheed was
comforting when she couldn't speak with Kitty. He had helped her through all
those painful moments when she had wanted to tell Kitty something she had
experienced only to realize that Kitty wasn't there.

What was the point of coming up with funny remarks about overblown Christmas
decorations that had already started to show up in shops at the end of
October when there was no one who would laugh about them?
Or to look up cinema films that could be fun to watch together when there
was no one who would go there with her?
All that mixed with the constant worry that whatever Wolverine could do for
Kitty - and Illyana felt that Wolverine would do all he could for Kitty -
wouldn't be enough to save her.

Ever since Wolverine had gone after Kitty, she hadn't tried to see her with
the help of a scrying glass for fear all the glass would reveal would be how
powerless she was to help her best friend.

Wolverine had made a phone call, saying that Kitty's father had gotten
involved with people he shouldn't have gotten involved with and that Kitty
needed time to deal with it and that he was going to look after her.

Illyana had told herself again and again that this must be what was going
on, that the demon she had viewed with her scrying glass had just been a
projection of her own fear.
Kitty had a lot to deal with -- if her father was an accomplice of some
criminal organization she would need time to cope, Wolverine was looking
after her, Kitty would be all right...

Kitty had always spoken fondly of her father, that she wanted him to be
proud of her.
If he turned out to be a criminal, Kitty would be devastated.
But she would be able to deal with it.
She would.

Kitty had always been able to cope and she would get over it and laugh
again, and they could talk, and go out and laugh together, and everything
would be fine as it had been and Kitty wouldn't be changed, she would still
be able to love and trust and live the wonderful life she deserved and there
wouldn't be those sharp lines around her mouth that said that all the world
had to offer was constant struggle for survival and the only purpose of life
was vengeance.

Sharp claws and teeth and a sword forcefully swung by an equally fierce
woman flashed before Illyana's inner eyes.

*** 

The sun was burning down mercilessly, but she had no time to feel
uncomfortable about it because it took all her strength and skill to parry
the blows that her opponent, half cat and half human, was dishing out.
Cat was an unrelenting fighter and an unyielding teacher.
She was teaching Illyana all she herself knew about the art of fighting but
she was making the girl pay with her own blood.
Illyana had already taken several scratches but so far her teacher had not
been able to land a blow that could have been lethal.
Illyana hated her. Hated her for the way her muscles ached every evening,
hated her with every bite that she took of the strange animals Cat had
hunted and whose meat still tasted disgusting no matter how hungry Illyana
was, hated her for every contemptuous remark with which she reminded her
that she would never be able to beat her, hated her for every forceful blow
she had to counter, every dagger attack she had to dodge, every cursed day 
that she had to spend in this damned land.
And all the bitterness and rage inside Illyana boiled together and made her
more determined to hurt and make her opponent pay and with the last strength
she could muster she blocked another stroke and aimed for her adversary's
throat. 

***

"Are you all right, Illyana?" Kurt asked, concerned.

Illyana shook off her reverie.

"Pardon?"

"You've been staring at the floor at least ten minutes as though it
contained the mystery of life."

"It probably does; it just doesn't want to tell me," Illyana tried to joke.

She wasn't sure what to think of Kurt's repeated attempts to look after her
and make her open up to him. With the other New Mutants back, he could
hardly single her out for cooking sessions, but he kept trying to talk to
her.

While she recognized his good will, she was not too keen on discussions
about redemption and her soul.
She just wanted to live a normal life, not dwell on the past.

"You're worried about Kitty?"

"I'm just nervous, that's all."

Kurt nodded. Whether he believed her or not, there was nothing more he could
say.

Illyana turned around and started to study the list of arrivals and
departures.

Cat was dead. Kitty was alive.
She had to live in the present.

When Kitty finally arrived, Illyana knew the schedule by heart.

***

Kitty saw her friends waiting for her. Had it been only six weeks that she
hadn't seen them? It felt like a lifetime to her.
So much had happened, things that she still didn't completely understand and
had yet to fully cope with, but for the moment she was glad to be home and
among friends.

She wanted to embrace them all at once but had to settle for one after the
other.
Illyana had brought Lockheed, and the little dragon was overjoyed to have
his mistress - or favorite slave, from his point of view - back and was
breathing little flames.
"Hey, Lockheed, be careful not to burn her hair, there isn't much left of it
at the moment," Illyana admonished the dragon in a playful tone.
Then she hugged Kitty.
"It's good to have you back, roomie. Dating is only half as much fun without
you to discuss my conquests with."

"It's good to be back, Illyana."

"Did you know that Leonardo di Caprio is getting married?"

"He wasn't already?"

The journey home was filled with idle gossip.

Kitty was surprised how effortlessly she could slip back into that form of
talk and at the same time she was astounded how out of place she felt in it.
Had Illyana always been that shallow or had she herself matured in the past
weeks?

When she entered their shared room with her baggage in tow, she wondered if
Illyana planned to keep up the talk about stars and movies for the rest of
the afternoon. Kitty would have liked to change the topic.
To what, though?

"You look tired, Kitty.
I think I'll let you rest till dinner.
I'll be in the library, doing my 'fascinating' biology homework, in case you
- well, I guess you won't be needing me for anything unless, of course, you
have some truly ugly souvenirs you want to get lost in time."

"Yes, I feel a bit whacked out by the time shift and all that. Thanks for
the offer, Yana."

Illyana was fun to be around, but sometimes her constantly good mood could
get on one's nerves.

"Okay, see you later then."

Illyana started to leave.

Kitty began to unlace her shoes. When she looked up again, she was surprised
to find Illyana still standing in the doorframe, watching her intently.

Concern shone from her face.

"Everything's all right, Yana, really."

Illyana nodded and tried to smile, then she turned to go.
Before exiting, she stopped again and turned back towards Kitty.

"How okay are you really, Kitty?"

***

Illyana was sitting at one of the tables of the library, staring at the
diagram in front of her which showed the cross section of a mustard blossom.
Petals, pistils, stigma, pollen, stem, leaves.
What a strange way to look at flowers.
The idea of analyzing their structure, of classifying them according to the
number of their petals or whatever other criteria scientists might consider
important, seemed odd to her.

It wasn't how she was used to looking at flowers any more.
Though she wasn't sure which was her way to look at flowers.

Little Illyana, the one who used to play with dolls and listen to the fairy
tales her parents told her, loved to plait garlands with them, weave them
into her hair or just marvel at their beauty.
But that was in a past she had no longer access to.

The Illyana she was now had to memorize a diagram whose parts made up a
flower, in a botanic sense.
Again: petals, pistil, stigma ...

It had taken even Limbo a long time to kill the sense of beauty in her.
Poisonous orchids and carnivorous ferns in the Wild Land hadn't been enough.

Both Belasco and Ororo had conspired to achieve that.

For Ororo, plants were life.
Life was to be treasured, to be respected, to be protected.
Plants had a right to life of their own, they didn't merely exist to delight
a little girl with their loveliness.

Illyana had the power to change these growing organisms.
Power meant responsibility.
She mustn't bend their shape, alter their color, make them change as she
desired.

There was an order in nature she had to respect.
There had been so much harmony and peace in Ororo's garden.
She had been able to hear the cosmic song of life there even though it was
in Limbo.

Life was sacred. To be treasured. To be protected.

She hadn't done that.

Ororo had taught her to see the natural order, to observe the flow of energy
in life.

Belasco had taught her to change it, to mold it as she pleased.

Flowers were so beautiful, bright colors and fragile petals, so lovely, so
innocent.

She had destroyed that beauty, turning bright colors to lifeless gray,
changing innocent blossoms into devouring mouths, twisting upright stems
into a maze of convoluted tentacles with sharp thorns.

Only when she had eradicated beauty herself had the young girl who loved to
play in summery fields and make flower garlands finally died.

Illyana casually twined a strand of her hair.
Most people would consider her good-looking, maybe even beautiful, by common
standards.
It didn't mean anything to her any longer.

***

Kitty was tossing and turning on her bed.
She couldn't lie still.
It had never been her thing.

Maybe if she got up and got some exercise...

She headed for the Danger Room, only to find it occupied by some of the New
Mutants who were trying to eliminate several flying balls.

She recognized Magma who simply tried to fry them with her powers,
Cannonball, who didn't have a problem with the balls' ability to fly as much
as with his own ability to maneuver while flying, and Sunspot, who was
complaining that the balls never came near enough so that he could catch
them.

Amara simply responded to his complaints by shooting down a ball right above
his head. Roberto had to save himself by a giant leap to the side.

"Hey, Dani, could you please program these balls so that I get a chance to
retaliate?" he shouted.

Moonstar, who apparently was in the control unit, promptly acquiesced by
lowering the globes' height.
Roberto immediately seized one to throw it at the smirking Amara - and
received a shower when he squeezed the ball too violently.

"I didn't ask you to make them into water balloons," Roberto bellowed up at
Moonstar.

"Come on, where's your sense of humor," Sam teased - and threw another
balloon in the direction of Roberto.

Soon the three opponents were engaged in a wild battle of throwing and
ducking water balloons, drenched but enjoying it immensely.

Kitty dismissed the thought of joining them. The New Mutants weren't her
team.

Just why was it that she had such trouble getting along with people and why
was it so easy for everybody else to make friends?

***

Illyana glanced at her watch - and started. Already 6.17 p.m.
She had been supposed to meet her teammates in the Danger Room at quarter to
six.
Hurriedly, she gathered her belongings and left the library.
If she was lucky, she wouldn't be too late for the second round of whatever
insane training session Dani would have thought up.

Taking two steps at once, she sped down the stairs - and almost ran into
Kitty who was trotting up the stairs.

"Can't you pay attention where you run?" Kitty snapped.

"Sorry, I'm late for a DR session."

"Guess you need a watch."

Illyana was staring at Kitty for a long moment, before she briskly answered:

"Sure."

Kitty stepped aside to let Illyana pass.
The blonde girl descended one step, only to stand on the same level as
Kitty.

"You're no longer tired?"

"You know me. I can only sleep so long."

"You want to do something together?"

"You have a DR session to attend."

"Wouldn't be the first time I missed one.
We haven't played Backgammon for a long time.
You still know the rules?"

"I'll still know them after dinner or tomorrow.
You better hurry before your teammates drown each other."

"They've programmed Water World again?" Illyana asked incredulously.

"No, but they're throwing water balloons at each other."

Illyana giggled.

"Sounds like fun. Why don't you come with me?"

"Throwing water balloons in training sessions is not exactly my style."

"As you please. See you later then."

Illyana turned and stalked away.

Kitty watched her friend leave.
She felt angry. Angry at Illyana for being in a good mood, at the New
Mutants for having fun, angry at the X-men for not being there, angry at
herself for feeling out of place.

She wasn't a baby anymore.
She'd faced criminals, a demon and the dark side of her own soul - and she
had won.

She wasn't a part of the New Mutants, that baby team Xavier had gathered to
replace the X-men.
When the Professor had wanted to put her there, she had rebelled - and
convinced him that she was a worthy member of the X-men, not just a junior
hero in attendance.
She'd matured in Japan, and she needed the X-men to know that.
To accept the new Shadowcat.

Everybody who seemed to be around right now were the New Mutants.
Ororo was in Africa. Scott was planning his wedding. Rogue was doing the
devil knew what.

And Illyana was training with the New Mutants now.
It was hard to believe that the girl she had always viewed as a little
sister and a 'normal' friend outside her superhero world was aspiring to be
a fighter herself now.

Illyana often was a mystery to her. She could talk forever about trivial
things, but then there were other times when she would just stare instead of
answering or give brief cryptic replies, only her eyes hinting that there
was more she wanted to express.

They'd shared dancing lessons, read silly girl magazines, gone to the
movies, exchanged gossip, laughed endlessly about stupid remarks -
they had shared all that.
It was what teenage girls would do.

Now, nothing was like it had been.

***

Xavier was giving one of his detailed DR session critiques but Illyana was
not really paying attention.
Kitty's refusal to spend the afternoon together had hurt her deeper than she
wanted to admit.

"You need to act as a team. As individuals, your opponent will easily beat
you. As a team, you are far harder to overcome."

Sure, Kitty had just returned from a dangerous adventure, and her heart was
still hurt, but, against reason, Illyana had hoped that everything would be
okay once Kitty was safe and back.

Instead, Kitty was moody and distant.

What had happened in Japan?
There was a nagging feeling inside Illyana that whatever it was, it had
changed Kitty more deeply than she would admit.

"You have to look out for each others. You're not fighting for yourself,
your personal victory or revenge."

It was difficult to pinpoint, but somehow Illyana felt that Kitty was
different.
Harder. More determined. More like a warrior.
There was something in the way she moved that said that this ordinary
looking young woman was more dangerous than it seemed.

Or was she seeing ghosts?
The ghost of a dead cat?

"You have to defeat an enemy, and you have to make sure that all of you live
to experience that victory."

Cat had always told her to follow her instincts - but Cat's instincts hadn't
saved her when Belasco had turned the X-woman into the animal whose name she
had chosen.

"Mirage, your image projection distracted the octopus, but you have to be
more careful to stay out of harm's way yourself. A tentacle could easily
have hit you.

"Sunspot, the same is true for you. You have to think before you attack. It
benefits no one if you get yourself killed.

"Cannonball, your performance was acceptable except for some problems you had 
with quickly adjusting direction."

In Limbo she had never had to deal with something called 'teamwork'.
It was simply survive or die.
Be faster, stronger, more insidious.

"Magik, you did well - in terms of daring your luck."

Illyana snapped out of her reverie. It seemed they had gotten to the point
where they were going to criticize her mediocre performance.
If ever a day arrived where she managed to please everybody, she planned to
mark it on her calendar and celebrate it with fireworks for the rest of her
life.

What would it be this time? You weren't focused enough, too careless,
distracted?

"There were no weapons. She couldn't help us."

Thanks, Dani. For reminding us how truly useful I am for this team unless
demons come into play.

"That's not the point. Illyana, would you please look at me when I'm talking
to you?"

"What did you expect me to do? I could hardly steal atomic weapons to help
the others."

"No, you couldn't. In fact, you used quite well what was available. Your
reflexes in dodging the tentacles were excellent. But your throwing empty
oil canisters at the octopus didn't hurt it in the least.
You should have recognized this and withdrawn.

"I realize that you have still difficulty with your teleporting ability but
your training from the past weeks should have been sufficient for you to
teleport away one of your teammates in case they were in immediate danger.
You should have retreated to the inner platform where you would have been
safe yourself and could have watched out for your teammates."

"I'll keep that in mind."

After some more general comments about the importance of teamwork Xavier
dismissed them.
Illyana mechanically had a shower and changed back into her civilian
clothes, absorbed in her thoughts while the others were already leaving.

Limbo taught you to watch out only for yourself.
Either you were evil or you fought it.
In opposing Belasco she had chosen to fight evil.

On earth, everything was far more difficult.
She wasn't good.
How could she be, if anybody else was better at it than her?

***

Kitty was trying to do the required reading for her English course but she
found it difficult to concentrate on Graham Greene's 'The Quiet American'
when she couldn't have cared less about the fate of the protagonists, and
the letters were dancing in front of her eyes.
Frustrated, she snapped the cover shut and deposited it next to the bed on
which she was lying.

She felt guilty for having been so brusque with Yana.
It was just sometimes her friend's tendency to look on the bright side of
life and to share her good mood grated on Kitty's nerves.
She was her friend nonetheless.

Kitty had never been popular at school. Her sharp intelligence and her
rather boyish appearance had not contributed at all towards making her a
girl her classmates wanted to hang out with.

Being quick on the up-take and rather factual in her approach to life, the
conversations with other girls of her age about who was dating whom and
which hair color was currently the one to wear had bored her.
Nevertheless, there had been a part of her that wanted to belong, to be like
them, to be accepted.

Then she had joined the X-men.
In a way, this had been a relief. No one expected her to act like a normal
teenager and faint over boys and make-up.
After some time, the thought of hanging out with teens of her age had become
awkward.
Kitty had always felt like an outsider around her peers but now it had
become worlds that separated them.

She had thought she wasn't missing anything but a small corner had remained
in her heart that said 'Why not do something silly, without caring about the
fate of the world?'

She had found that with Illyana.
When the girl had first returned from Limbo she had been eager to learn
about teenage life, not much different from the child who had asked her
endless questions about the characters in the fairy tales she had invented
for her.
Kitty had tutored her like a little sister despite the fact that Yana was
actually about half a year older than her.

Suddenly there was someone who asked her questions about how to fit in.
Kitty had been able to talk about music, soap operas and chocolate bars with
her without having to be afraid that these topics would be considered
'immature'.

At the same time, she didn't have to hide the fact that she was a super hero
who had already faced death before.
She usually didn't talk about the dangers she had gone through with Yana,
she had Storm and Wolverine for that.
But the simple fact that Illyana accepted her as she was without expecting
her to adhere to the stereotype of a 'normal girl' or treating her
ostensibly as a 'superhero' allowed Kitty to relax around her.

Despite their differences in character they had become friends.
Illyana's mood swings still amazed Kitty, though.

One moment, she was full of joy, the next she was taciturn and withdrawn.
Very expressive sometimes, difficult to read at other times.

Kitty guessed that, having grown up in Limbo, Illyana had learned to shield
her emotions.
It was strange to think that what had been only the passing of seconds for
Kitty had been years for Illyana.

Considering she had been surrounded by demons for seven years of her life it
was astounding how unscarred she seemed.
Ever since she had first seen her, Kitty had felt a need to protect Illyana
and she still did, as ridiculous as it might seem.

Illyana could take care of herself. She had become one of the New Mutants
now and was training in the Danger Room to save the world, or at least
practicing not to get killed while trying.

As much as Kitty had despised the thought of joining the baby team, she had
to admit that they were not incapable - they just weren't the X-men.

They seemed to get along well with each other. Having fun. Trading silly
banter, teasing each other. Almost like normal teenagers.

Memories of parties she hadn't been invited to and conversations she had
been excluded from painfully stirred.

Being recruited by the X-men had forced Kitty to take on responsibility and
act like an adult way ahead of time.

And while she could not go back, did not want to go back and would adamantly
refuse if anyone told her to go back, there was still a small black knot in
her heart that whispered she was missing something.

She had friends. People whom she could trust with her life.
Just not to share her free-time activities with.

The voice that said this wasn't important didn't sound entirely convincing.

These thoughts were driving her mad.

Kitty pushed herself up from the bed.
Dinner would be ready in half an hour.

She started to pace the room.

Just what should she tell the others?

"Hi, I'm back, please notice I've changed.
I've given up my illusions, I'm a lethal fighter now, I almost lost my soul
to a demon and my faith in my father was destroyed, but don't worry, all in
all I'm okay."?

She abruptly stopped in front of the bookshelf that she and Yana shared and
noticed some new titles next to the countless thrillers Illyana liked to
devour for reasons unbeknownst to Kitty.

Kitty herself preferred books that made her think.
How one could enjoy reading about people running for their lives through at
least 100 pages was beyond her.

She took one of the new books and studied the cover.

Wiccan rituals for beginners?

Since when had Yana been reading this stuff?

Though being a rational person with no belief in the supernatural, Kitty had
encountered things in her life that made it impossible for her to deny the
existence of sorcery.

Still, she refused to believe in it on such a superficial level.
Perhaps 99.99% of all people who believed themselves to be
magic-practitioners and were convinced they could foresee the future in
coffee grounds or make their neighbors be friendlier by strewing flour on
their lawn were just delusional or frauds.

Thinking of the 0.01% who actually could do this kind of things and much
worse made Kitty feel uncomfortable.

She had learned that magic was a force to be reckoned with in this world,
both black and white magic, no matter how hard science tried to deny it.

She had fough numerous super villains; some of them had been
magic-practioners, most hadn't, but both types had been vanquished.

She tried to reassure herself that the X-men could beat any foe, that she
could beat a demon.
She was an X-woman, after all.

But Ogun had tried to warp her soul. He had made her forget the past,
trained her as his apprentice and ordered her to kill Wolverine.

She had almost done it.
Nothing had counted but pleasing her master.

Kitty shook herself violently.
She had been stronger. She had shaken his influence.

Kitty stared at the book she was holding.
She knew that Illyana had strong magic powers although she rarely used them.

Illyana had been but seven when Belasco abducted her.
She remembered Limbo, fighting its demons to rescue Illyana.

Another team of X-men from another time-line had gotten trapped there.
Belasco had either killed them or turned them into demons, all but Ororo,
who had withstood him.

She saw Colossus' dead body pinned to the wall before her inner eyes, the
demon Nightscrawler trying to force himself onto her.

For a moment, she felt as though the air around her was turning to crystal,
enclosing her in eternal paralysis.

Why had Belasco abducted Illyana? What had she learned there?

Kitty banished those thoughts.
Limbo was a nightmare that was over.
This time-line's X-men had been able to escape unharmed.

And all demons and demonmasters could go to hell where they belonged and
where most of them probably already were.

Ogun definitely belonged there.

Anger rose in Kitty at the thought of the demon who had tried to make her
his slave.

She had overcome his influence.

She knew now that she was able to kill, but Wolverine had taught her what
all people with this knowledge need to know: to have mercy on a vanquished
enemy.

Her soul still belonged to herself.
She was still herself, and yet, still different from before.

Trust was fragile. Love was fragile.
Somewhere she was drifting on an ocean of confusion and pain with no land in
sight.

***

Illyana was sitting on the verandah and staring out into the dark.
Xavier's words were repeating themselves in her head.

'Tactical retreat.'

Tactical retreat.
In Limbo, she had never had that option.

Fight or die was the first law of that dimension she had learned, long
before she had acquired any knowledge about the peculiar passing of time
there or special methods to transform its substance.

Fight or die.
Take this sword and learn how to use it if you want to live.

There had been times when she had hated Cat.
The endless, painful training in an endless, hideous plain.

Yet, Cat hadn't invented the laws of this place. She had merely adapted, and
she had taught Illyana how to survive herself.

*** 

For days she had been surrounded by nothing but this vast desertlike land.
Cat called it the Wild Land, but Illyana would have found 'the horrible and
threatening desertlike place full of ugly monsters' more suitable as a name.

This was so unlike Ororo's garden. There were no flowers here, no peaceful
trees.
Only ugly reptiles with sharp teeth and other dangerous animals that would
be glad to have her for breakfast.

Cat was hunting. Illyana was hungry but she dreaded having to eat grilled
sabretooth tiger meat or something similar again. She missed fruit and cake,
anything sweet.

She started to wander around. When Cat would return she would practice
flinging knives with her again. The exercise made her hands ache but not as
much as sword fighting.

Illyana vigilantly observed the grass around her. By now she knew how
hazardous this land could be.

A rustle caught her attention.

Scanning her surroundings she discovered a bush with violet fruit.
Fruit!
Curious about this plant, she approached it.
She could now see that it also had small white blossoms.

After two weeks in the Wild Land, this seemed like the incarnation of beauty
to Illyana.
A reminder of her home.

A deadly incarnation of beauty.

Suddenly, tentacles shot from the bush.

Illyana dodged back, but one of the tentacles fastened itself around her
ankle, tipping her over.

Desperately, Illyana clutched her knife and tried to sever the tendril but
to no avail.
More tendrils cast forward, assaulting her arms and torso, unrelentingly
drawing her toward the main bush that had by now transformed into an
enormous mouth with pointed teeth.

Panic doubled Illyana's strength.
She didn't want to die.
Not yet. Not here. Not now.

Yet, her uncoordinated movements didn't bother the carnivorous plant in the
least.

The sword that tore through its core did, though.

The deadly vines releasing her, Illyana slumped to the ground.
She recognized Cat who was standing behind the dead demon plant.

"You're okay?" she asked.

"Yes," Illyana stuttered, expecting a harsh reproof for her inattentiveness.

Instead, Cat only explained:
"The first time I met one of these, only my phasing talent saved me."

Illyana was slowly recovering from her shock.

"Have some of the fruit, and then I'll teach you how to hack these monsters
apart," Cat announced another hard and painful sword training session.
"You need to be more watchful. There are many monsters out here much worse
than this one."

Illyana hurried to do as she was told.
She didn't want to die.

***

Illyana absently noticed that she was freezing.
It was cold outside.
She glanced at her watch.
Quarter past eight.
She was late for dinner.

She jumped to her feet, but then she stopped to take in the dark garden
around her with a long look.
It was Earth but was it her home?

There was no need for hurry. She was already late.
Besides, would anyone expect her to be punctual?

***

Dinner had started at seven.
Kurt and Logan were discussing a football match, Xavier was talking with
Stevie about the recipe for the stew, and the New Mutants were chattering
about their DR session and planned evening activities.

Kitty wondered if anyone would notice if she phased away.
Illyana hadn't appeared yet but the others didn't seem to be bothered by it.

It was already 20 past eight when the blonde girl entered the dining room.

"You're practicing anti-cyclical eating, Illyana?" Roberto mocked.
"Getting a first serving when everyone else has taken a second one?"

"I'm trusting you to pick all the unhealthy meat out of the stew and leave
me the nutritious rice," Illyana countered.

"You should make a point of appearing in time if you want to choose your
food," Amara remarked sternly.

Illyana's lips twitched into a sarcastic smile as she took the free seat
next to Amara.

"I'll consider following your example," she replied, alluding to the fact
that Amara always took large portions of meat herself.

Amara showed no reaction to Illyana's jibe.
Considering her stoic face, Kitty wasn't sure whether the girl from the
Andes had gotten it at all.

"Is there a reason why you could not make a timely appearance, Illyana?"
Professor Xavier asked sternly.

"I couldn't bring myself to be punctual?" Illyana suggested.

"I expect you to change that.

Illyana shrugged.
"I'll look at my watch more often in the future," she promised.

Xavier did not reply anything to this remark but the strict expression on
his face made it clear that he was not satisfied at all with Illyana's
conduct.

"We are going to watch the film 'The rainy road' this evening.
You're joining us, Illyana?" Sam asked.

"I'm not sure," Illyana replied with a questioning look to Kitty.

"It's supposed to be a good film," Kitty stressed.
She didn't need Illyana to re-organize her evenings to entertain her.
She could get along fine.
Wasn't there some math homework to be done?

"We need to tell the director that you recommended his work," Roberto gibed.
That might boost the ratings by 150%."

"It had a very good critique in the programming magazine," Rahne helpfully
contributed.

"You should watch it," Kitty insisted.

"Well, with that many recommendations I really have to make up my opinion
myself," Illyana decided.

***

The film turned out to be quite boring, and the fact that Illyana was paying
no attention to its plot about a car salesman who lost his job and went on a
bicycle trip across Ireland didn't help at all.

Why had Kitty been so adamant that she should watch the film with the
others?
As if she couldn't do that any other evening, actually had done it quite
often during the past months.

When Amara used a commercial break to have the American tax system explained
to her, Illyana excused herself.

Hopefully, her roommate wasn't already deeply engrossed in trigonometrical
functions or the analysis of n-th degree polynomials.

***

The sound of an opening door alerted Kitty to the presence of an intruder.
Dropping her physics book, she spun around.
She wouldn't be caught unaware.

"Hi, Kitty," Illyana said.
"The film was boring and I decided to pay you a visit."

It took Kitty a second to process the information that Illyana was not
hostile.

"In case you have forgotten, I live here, too" Illyana added.
"And I wasn't going to shoot you."

"Sorry, I was so absorbed by these equations about kinetic and potential
energy that I didn't expect you."

"If that's the case, you could need some distraction.
Backgammon or a round of Black Mice?" Illyana asked as she prepared to
retrieve one of the two games from the shelf on which they were stored.

Kitty couldn't help but smile.
There were times when Illyana's cheerfulness was amazingly refreshing.

"How about I start teaching you chess?"

"No way."

"It would be a challenge."

"For you not to laugh about my stupid moves. No, thanks."

"Backgammon, then."

Kitty liked strategy games because their outcome depended only on the
opponents' skills and not on some unpredictable circumstances like the
result of a die, but Illyana didn't share this liking of hers at all.

She always maintained that she didn't want to spend her free-time with
something that was even more difficult than her math homework and preferred
games with unpredictable turns.

So they had agreed on Backgammon.

While Backgammon was a strategy game, it did not require enormous amounts of
thinking in advance and it also had some elements of chance presented by the
dice and the possibility to change the stake.

While it did not provide the satisfaction of honing her mental abilities
like a game of chess with Xavier did, Kitty had to admit that playing and
exchanging funny remarks with Illyana was far more relaxing.

They built up the gameboard and the match began.

They threw the dice and moved their pieces, cast each other out or brought
their pieces over their respective finishing lines.

Everything was as it had been, or wasn't it, Illyana wondered as she watched
Kitty carefully distribute the number of her dice on her pieces.

Illyana herself did not care very much about losing or winning the game,
being together with Kitty was what mattered to her, so she liked to take
risks because she found it made the game more exciting.

Kitty, on the other hand, seemed determined on winning.
Was she hallucinating or was the cold look she believed she could see on
Kitty's face when she threw out Illyana's pieces real?

Surprisingly, Illyana won the game.

"You want to play another round?"

Kitty shook her head.

"No, thanks. Maybe we could listen to some music instead. Did you buy
anything new?"

"No. Yellow Days brought out a new album, but I checked it out and the sound
wasn't as good as it used to be."

"Why? Did they actually start bringing in some rhythm?"

"If I need something with a rhythm I can still borrow a Cold Heat CD from
you."

"Hey, I only listen to them when I tidy up my room."

"Thank Goodness this doesn't happen too often."

"It's certainly not as bad as the Tello-ti music you use for your
aerobics."

"It's not aerobics, it's gymnastics with Asian elements."

"Because the girls' magazine you discovered it in has to know."

"It improves one's fitness and helps to find one's inner balance."

"I prefer ballet. You're still going to Stevie's training?"

"Only when it's on our schedule."
When Illyana had been new at Xavier's, Kitty had introduced her to Stevie's
ballet lessons. Illyana hadn't been especially enthusiastic about them but
for Kitty's sake she had continued to go there.

"Why did you quit?" Kitty inquired, surprised.

"I wasn't really good at it."

Illyana felt hesitant to explain that she couldn't bring herself to pour her
feelings into her moves.
For an emotional person like her, it would sound unconvincing, and she
didn't want to disappoint Kitty.

"Illyana, that's not true. You had the moves down perfectly," Kitty
insisted.
Her posture was that of the teacher who cannot accept that her student does
not want to learn what she can offer.

Illyana started to feel irritated.
Kitty criticizing her taste in music and reading and games and whatever she
liked to do was standard practice between them but sometimes she felt
belittled by it.

So Kitty was a math genius and a dedicated dancer.
Did that give her the right to look down on Illyana?

"That's not the point.
I never feel like expressing anything when I dance.
It's just a series of motions but I'm not a flower in the wind or a happy
bird or a sad one.
I'm just me," Illyana declared more fiercely than she had intended to.

Kitty fixed her eyes on her like she would have stared at a mathematical
equation, trying to force it to admit that it could be solved by
substitution.

"This includes 'Wiccan rituals for beginners' now?"

For a moment, Illyana was perplexed.
Where was this conversation heading?

"You mean the books I bought? I like to know people's expectations of a
sorceress."

"But that's fake. I mean, we shouldn't have to live in a world where we have
to conceal our power and it's a shame people don't recognize how often we've
saved their ass."

Kitty was talking with her hands now, lending emphasis to what she said.

"But you aren't a witch who sews a lock of her hair into her lover's shirt
to ensure his faithfulness.
Why pretend?"

Illyana felt that Kitty was angry but not really at her. She should have
asked her.
Yet, she also was a fake swan that didn't like being reminded that it was in
fact a raven.

"You're right. I can't sew."

"Why do you read these books then?"
Kitty sounded entirely incredulous.
As though reading books about the aura of crystals or the impact of the
phases of the moon on people's life was the same as staring holes into the
air and trying to sell them.

"'cause sometimes I just want to have fun. Feel comfortable among my peers.
The occult is in.
I think I've studied enough real spells to enjoy glass moving as a party
game."

Illyana didn't know why they were having this argument.
It seemed so unimportant to her.
Yet something inside her was driving her to sound as infuriated as Kitty
was.

"You see life as a game."

"I didn't say that. I said I want to relax now and again."

"That's why you skip DR training?"

Another attack that caught Illyana unprepared.
Only this time, she really minded.

"You're none of the New Mutants, Kitty. This isn't your concern," Illyana
stated coldly.

Kitty nodded, staring back at her.

"I'm going to finish my reading. In the library."

Kitty grabbed her books and left the room.

Illyana wasn't sure whether she felt more confused or angry.
She certainly hadn't expected this evening to turn into a heated discussion
of their different notions of life.

She wrapped her arms around herself and lowered herself to the ground,
leaning against the wall.

She tried to make sense of what had happened and wished she could just cry.

Kitty was so straightforward. What she did needed a purpose. She sought
intellectual challenge and tried to be a super hero.

Illyana, on the other hand, liked to idle around. For seven years of her
life others had decided what she was supposed to learn, what she was
supposed to become, what she was supposed to do.
She wanted to be free of that. Just forget. Dream of happiness.
Go back to being an innocent girl.

Why did Kitty have to reproach her for that?

Why couldn't she be normal?

She had gone to the party Diane had invited her to. She had even persuaded
Rahne to come along.

There had been curry salads and pastries with cheese and onion and fruit
bowl.
They had lit candles and played oracle.

It had been fun. She had laughed.

They had played invoking spirits.

Illyana knew the real rituals to invoke the spirits of the netherworld.
Unless one of the girls would have sacrificed a large part of her life
energy, there was no danger that they would catch the attention of a spirit
of the dead.

She could pretend she was one of them but she couldn't convince herself.

She wasn't scared by a rustle of the curtains and she couldn't shiver in
delightful fright at imagined monsters.

She knew the difference between a fake demon incantation and a real one and,
as much as she wanted to, she couldn't forget that difference.

She could silently poke fun at them but she couldn't belong.

Kitty thought she was superficial. But how could she tell her that a part of
her wore horns and a tail and worshipped the Dark Gods?

The walls seemed to be closing in on her.
Kitty's books, the pictures over her bed, everything was a silent reproach.

She hadn't been able to resist the temptation of dark magic nor help her
friend.

*** 

The sun was burning down but she didn't feel it because she was engaged
in a merciless fight with Cat.
She hated her. Her and the land where she was trapped and the hard training
and the constant taunts.
When Cat inflicted another scratch on her upper arm, Illyana assembled all
her remaining strength and launched a deadly attack on her opponent's
throat.

Cat merely phased through it.
Illyana lost her balance and fell over.

To her surprise, Cat didn't laugh and helped her get up.
She seemed almost - pleased.

"You're getting better, Illyana.
If you want to win a battle, you need to use all your strength.
This land doesn't tolerate weakness.
Demons will want to kill you and your only chance is to kill them first."

Illyana didn't know what to feel.
Cat was proud of her.
But for the first time in her life Illyana had been really prepared to
injure someone.
Should she be proud of herself?

***

Cat had shown her how to survive. How to fight with knives and swords and
even one's hands and teeth if necessary.

Cat had truly become a creature of the Wild Land and the only thing that
distinguished her from its inhabitants was her hatred for the demons in it.

Her hatred kept driving her on.
Hatred for Belasco, for what he had done, for what he had made her.

Illyana had once asked her how she had become Cat and Cat had answered that
Belasco didn't need a reason to be cruel.

Illyana suspected that there was a story behind that that Cat wasn't telling
but then, trying to make Cat talk about anything but fighting was doomed to
failure.

The Wild Land had transformed her into a ferocious fighter.
Yet, she was the only friend Illyana had there.
A straw to cling to in an endless nightmare.

Yet even Cat suffered from nightmares sometimes.
When she had awoken, she had been so furious that Illyana hadn't dared bring
up the topic.

How to comfort someone who didn't want to admit they were hurt?

***

Illyana decided to talk to Kitty.
Something was definitely wrong and she couldn't ignore that.

When Illyana entered the library Kitty was engrossed in her reading, or at
least so it seemed.

The fact that she didn't look up when a board creaked hinted that she wasn't
as absorbed as she pretended.

"Kitty? Can we talk?"

Kitty reluctantly looked up, her whole posture signaling defiance.

"What about?"

'The reason why you're acting like an angry sabretooth tiger?' Illyana
thought but she didn't say it.

She took a chair and placed it opposite Kitty at the table.

Kitty first looked aside, then she seemed to collect herself.

"Okay, Illyana, I'm sorry, can we leave it at that?

"You don't need to apologize, just tell me what's wrong."

Kitty bit her lips, briefly glancing at her hands before replying:
"There's a lot of stuff going on in my head, Illyana. I need time to sort it
all out."

"Don't tell me everything is okay because it isn't," Illyana challenged.
She wasn't going to be deterred by Kitty's refusal to talk.

"You've become a psychotherapist lately?" Kitty mocked.

"What happened in Japan, Kitty?" Illyana asked, trying to convey all the
sympathy she felt with her voice.

Maybe it was the sympathy that made Kitty's patience snap.
She didn't want pity.

"I went through hell and back, okay?"

Illyana still looked sympathetic, searching for words to comfort her friend.

"Could you please leave me alone now? I've got homework to do."
Kitty didn't want to talk. Didn't want to face the bitterness and the rage
and the hurt that were consuming her.

"Kitty..."

"Don't you have some Tarot cards to read or some demons to tend to?"

Illyana mentally shrank back.
That remark hurt. It was a reminder of the worlds that lay between them.

"As you wish," Illyana said coldly and turned around.

She was angry enough to exit by calling one of her stepping disks.

***

She materialized outdoors.
It was dark. No one would see her pain.

She had already lost three parts of her soul.
She had never considered losing the part of herself that was Kitty.

Kitty had always been the one who came through.
She survived the Brood, Magneto, the Hellfire Club.
Unscarred.

Only now, the woman who wore Kitty's face might as well have been a
stranger.

Returning to Earth, seeing a Kitty who wasn't as hardened as Cat had been
like returning to a time when she herself had been innocent.

But now that Kitty didn't exist any longer, as in Limbo.

She had hoped to escape the pain and the bitterness and the memory, but the
pain on Earth was as real as in Limbo.

There was hardly any sort of physical pain she hadn't experienced, but
unlike the emotional pain, it eventually passed.

She touched her face with her hands. There should have been scars but the
skin was smooth.
Scars on her face, her arms, her legs, scars she had acquired in numerous
fights with the creatures of the Wild Land and from her training with Cat.
Proof of the hardship she had undergone.

Yet, her skin was smooth and unmarred.
Normal healing spells only restored life energy that was lost, so they
couldn't do anything against scars.

The healing spells Belasco had taught her, however, had been variants of
spells of change, so every scar she had ever acquired had vanished.

Cat had promised to take her home, but she hadn't.
Combat skills hadn't saved her, so Illyana had turned to the black arts.

The night was chilly, Illyana noticed.
She should fetch a jacket.
But then, what point was there in pretending to be normal?
She could easily handle cold with a little bit of sorcery.

Illyana went on a long walk around the dark and cold garden.

It must have been past midnight when she returned. The house was quiet.
The entrance hall was dark.
It appeared the others had already gone to bed.

Everyone except Roberto.
She was startled when he entered the hall from the kitchen.

"You like making sudden appearances in the darkness?" she scoffed, trying to
cover her surprise.

Roberto took his time to search for the light switch.

"Strange thing, I always happen to run across you when I do."

After the lights had gone on, he took his time to look her up and down.

"I didn't know it gets that warm outside at midnight," he remarked, alluding
to the fact that Illyana had slung her pullover around her waist and was
only wearing a T-shirt.

"You always fetch a crowbar when you can't open a crate?"

Why did he always have to watch her so closely? As though he was searching
for signs of madness.
She almost wished she had left him in that bleak dimension where they had
accidentally stranded some weeks ago, that night when she had been cooking
with Kurt, expecting anything but a power failure and Roberto's sudden
appearance.

"I see.
Sorry to disturb your midnight sorcery training session then," he derided
her.

"What are _you_ doing here still up?"

She wasn't going to answer to him for her spells.

"There's a rerun of a soccer match.
US TV stations don't reserve prime time slots for that.
Guess they haven't recognized the importance of integrating the favorite
sports of different nationalities into mainstream society."

"There's a lot that US society forgets to integrate."

Like demons and their mistresses.

Shaking the unwelcome thought, she mocked:
"They still don't worship you as God, do they?"

"As long as they don't start revering you as their high priestess, I can
live with that."

"That might severely curb the time I can consecrate to my studies in
animating skeletons and golems."

"I always knew there was a reason why you can't give your full energy to
mundane things like DR sessions, school or being punctual."

"Because you do?"

"I'm not the one who has to give a report on the history of the Carolingian
Empire tomorrow."

"You were actually going to listen?"

For someone who wasn't the best student himself, he spent quite  a lot of
time criticizing her for her mediocre results.

"Unless you plan on working on it outside of time in Limbo, it's not likely
I will get to hear much, is it?"

"You're sure you don't want to listen to it in Limbo?"

Arguing with Berto wasn't one of her preferred free-time activities but it
helped take her thoughts off her current problems.

"I'm going to watch my soccer match."

It seemed he wasn't in the mood for an extended argument.

"Oh, and by the way, could you please shut the front door?
You may be a demon sorceress, but the rest of us would probably mind having
breakfast in Antarctica tomorrow.
We actually feel the cold."

With these words, he left for the TV set.

Illyana silently cursed him. Not only was she at loggerheads with Kitty, now
Berto had just decided her to pull an all-nighter in order to work out her
sketchy notes into a decent report until tomorrow.
Could this day get any worse?
Oh, right it was already tomorrow.

When she shut the door, she felt the icy night air.

About one point, Berto had been right.
Demons avoided pain.
Her Darkchilde self had never bothered to endure the consequences of
injuries or spells gone awry.
It had always been Illyana who suffered Belasco's punishments.

***

Illyana didn't notice much of what was going on in the classroom.
She managed to hold her eyes open during biology but she wouldn't have been
able to tell what the lesson had been about.
It was probably a good thing that usually no one bothered to ask her for an
eraser or a ruler - chances were good she wouldn't have heard the request
anyway.

Pretending to take notes, she mentally went through her report again.
Biography. Conquests and reforms. Lasting Impacts on European history.
It was good to have a structure to follow.

When the history lesson came, Illyana went to the front of the class.
She should have been nervous.
The outcome was important, wasn't it?
Her team-mates relied on her to give them substantial information about a
Frankish emperor dead for more than a millennium.

She had done short reports before. Summarized an encyclopedia article about
cloning. Read her 200-word comment about the US election system.

When she had been new to class with the other New Mutants, Xavier had
summoned her to the board to do some math exercise.
After about five minutes of thinking and calculating she had been able to
write down the desired result, the area of a given letter X.
Xavier merely commented that she was supposed to explain the steps of her
computation in more detail.

Before she had joined the other New Mutants in class, Illyana had mostly
worked alone with the computer. Learning geographical dates or historical
ones had been a task she could master. Not overly interesting but
manageable.

Discussion in class still seemed strange to her.
So what if she had an opinion whether the protagonists of a short story
should have acted differently or if globalization was a risk or a chance?

She had tried to write the required essays about the genetically altered
food or Plato's philosophy but she hadn't been able to work up any passion
for it.

She tried to fit in but it didn't seem she was good at it.
Xavier didn't scold her but he never commended her either.

So here she was, going to deliver another monotonous report about a subject
whose significance escaped her.
Why the heck had she bothered to work on it all night?
Because a jerk had suggested she couldn't do it?

Seeing Roberto, comfortably sitting in his chair and sharpening his pencils,
anger rose in her.
Did he really believe she was too stupid to deliver a comprehensible
historical report?
She had half a mind to break the pencil he took such care to sharpen, or
better even, turn it into a little worm with hundreds of sharp mouths.

Instead, she squared her shoulders and arranged her notes.
Time to deliver her report.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts, you're going to be
treated to the history of a man who decided that one small kingdom wasn't
enough and consequently set out to conquer Europe, with some non-negligible
success, I might note.
The last one to fall asleep is going to get a jelly baby."

And then she began to speak without stopping once. She summoned battles and
diplomatic moves, deportations, administrative reforms, massacres, splendid
building constructions and framed it with dates of birth and death and the
implication that the history of Europe would have been different without
Charlemagne.

When she was done, she waited for the criticism to begin.

"Thanks for the interesting and thorough report, Illyana. You can sit down
now," Xavier said.

Illyana was surprised. Interesting? Was he mocking her?
She couldn't read his stern features but she had never been able to.
Unlike Belasco, Xavier shielded his feelings of satisfaction or
dissatisfaction well.

"Now that we have sufficient background information, we can further discuss
the subject. You have heard about the means Charlemagne employed to build
his empire. Quite a lot of the measures he took were to the benefit of his
people but he was also a ruthless conqueror who knew no mercy against his
enemies. Do you think that the end justifies the means?"

Another discussion. Educational objective: ethical awareness and moral
viewpoints.

Let me guess. Amara and Berto will be pro, Dani, Rahne and Sam contra, with
Sam trying to find a compromise.
Illyana suddenly felt as tired as she probably should be after a night
without sleep. One and a half more lessons until lunch and the afternoon
break before DR training. She just needed to keep her eyes open until then.

"If Charlemagne hadn't slaughtered the Saxons, he might well have found
himself faced with a rebellion that could have torn apart his empire,"
Roberto brought forward.

"I don't think such an 'if' justifies the slaughter of a whole people, even
if you assume that war was legitimate given their regular raids on his
territory," Dani protested.

Illyana glanced at her watch. Five more minutes. Time to come to a
conclusion.

"So what is your opinion on the matter, Illyana?" Xavier roused her.

Illyana started. Was she supposed to comment?
What would be a polite way of saying 'I think this discussion is pointless'?

"I'm aware that deportation and genocide are considered heinous crimes by
today's standards but on the other hand, it is difficult to judge a past
situation with today's beliefs."

No one could say she hadn't studied some of the philosophical essays she was
supposed to read.
Knowing, however, that Xavier wouldn't accept such a general answer, and
weary of choosing her words over-carefully she added:
"I think it was cruel but, well - it isn't as though we can go back in time
and change things."

As soon as the words had left her mouth she knew them to be wrong.
An uncomfortable silence fell.
It isn't as though we can go back in time and change things'
Well, she obviously could.

Illyana bit her tongue for reminding the others of her talent.
Another thing they could be afraid of - her changing the past.

Roberto was mockingly lifting an eyebrow as if to say "suppose that you
could ever gain control of your stepping disks," while Rahne was staring at
her desk defiantly.

Sitting in the front row, Illyana could not see the others, but she could
feel their uneasy gazes on her back.

Xavier broke the silence.
"I think we should discuss the implications of time travel another time. For
now, I expect you to write a 600-word essay about if and when the use of
violence by the government is justified, considering different forms of
government and historic examples."

***

Illyana was aware that everyone seemed even more withdrawn from her during
lunch.
Rahne was surreptitiously glancing at her. Illyana bet she would have liked
to make the sign of the cross over her and sprinkle her with holy water.

Dani seemed as though she wanted to say something to soothe the tensions but
obviously she couldn't think of anything.
Amara was ignoring her as usual, Sam made an effort to seem unmoved but
avoided asking her to pass him the salt and Berto clearly conveyed he had
always known she would be the world's undoing.

Illyana wanted to scream.
They all had super powers. Yet they treated her the way non-mutants probably
would have treated a mutant. Polite non-mutants.

She couldn't sue them for icy silence.

She was glad when she could leave the table for her room.
She cuddled up under her blanket, determined to catch up on some sleep.
Her eyes stung. She wouldn't cry. She wouldn't.

If they wanted to see her as evil incarnate - fine. She didn't care.

But it was so unfair. They could reproach her for black magic but her mutant
ability was nothing she had chosen.

She had been chosen. She briefly wondered whether the Dark Gods had known of
her talent. The thought made her shiver.

Could the Elder Gods see the future? Could anyone clearly see the twisted
paths leading into the future?

Illyana herself couldn't see ahead. She didn't have plans for later. It was
enough of a struggle in the now not to betray her emotions, not to show her
rage at being rejected, her desire to belong, her insecurities, her fear
about her demon side.

She wished for someone to trust. To forget and go to a place without time
and pain.
To be an innocent young girl again.

But nothing could come from it but a tangled web if she tried to go back and
change things.

The door creaked. For the first time, Illyana fervently wished she wasn't
sharing a room with Kitty.

Time to go back, wear a mask again. Smooth your features, hide your temper.

Illyana stretched and yawned.

"You're going to miss DR training if you don't hurry," Kitty remarked.

Illyana couldn't prevent her body from stiffening. Maybe her masks hadn't
been in place yet.

And suddenly she wondered why she bothered wearing them at all.

"Is that all you care about? Me being late?" she asked angrily.

"Okay, you can be late, just as you please, but don't complain if you get to
do the washing up for two weeks because of it."

Illyana bit back an angry reply. She felt like a stranger watching herself
bickering with Kitty.
There seemed to be an abyss separating them and the things she couldn't say
threatened to stifle her.
'You think my being unpunctual is the problem?
I grew up among demons, my soul is bound by evil spells to darkness and all
you care about is if I'm late for my training?!'

Tears threatened to overwhelm her.
She wouldn't allow anyone to see her cry, especially not Kitty.

Illyana summoned a stepping disk and disappeared.

***

"You can remind me of it the next time I forget to clean the bathroom,"
Kitty offered, trying to be conciliatory, knowing she liked to 'forget' that
chore.

And then Illyana was gone in a flash of light.
Kitty remained dumfounded.

If Illyana had walked out of the room and banged the door, Kitty could have
reacted. She could have run after her, apologized, argued about her
behavior, anything.

Why had Illyana fled? Anger mingled with guilt.

Yes, she had been testy lately, okay, it hadn't been very nice of her to nag
about Illyana's constantly being late, yes, she needed to clean the bathroom
more often, but damn it, she had problems of her own to deal with.

If Illyana was fed up with her, why didn't she complain? Prone to occasional
temper-tantrums herself, Kitty could stand people yelling at her.

Oh, great. Now she had to go and find Yana in order to apologize.
Kitty would have liked to bang her head against the wall.

It seemed she was a complete misfit. She didn't fit in with teenagers her
age, not even the New Mutants, and now she was in the progress of alienating
her best friend.

Oh damn, why didn't Illyana just throw a cushion at her if she was mad at
Kitty?
Then Kitty remembered that Illyana had never screamed at her nor thrown any
objects at her in rage. She always kept a close rein on that side of her
temper. Kitty felt another pang of guilt when she thought that Illyana had
been trying to be sympathetic toward her for the last few days, and before
that, too.

Now she really needed to find her friend.

Knowing it to be a good hiding place, Kitty searched the attic but couldn't
find Illyana between the wardrobes full of old clothes, discarded furniture
and dusty crates.
She stumbled over an inflatable armchair in a horrible pink and wondered who
could have bought it.

She discovered masses of garden chairs that were stored here to spend the
winter, countless cobwebs and even a book with jelly recipes, but couldn't
detect a trace of Illyana.

Kitty had to admit that she didn't have any idea where Illyana could have
gone.
It was already getting dark outside and she didn't have much of a chance of
catching her friend in the garden if that was where she had gone.

Focused on her search, Kitty didn't notice the faint flute music that was
coming from a story below her at first. She only became aware of it when she
paused to examine a pile of floppy disks.

Kitty didn't know of anyone in the house with an inclination for flute 
music.
The player seemed to be practicing because the music regularly stopped to
repeat a part.
Curious, Kitty phased through the ceiling.

She recognized the red-haired girl playing the instrument in an empty
classroom as Rahne Sinclair.
Suddenly mindful that her intrusion could be perceived as spying, Kitty
wanted to withdraw but at that very moment the Scottish girl finished her
play and looked up.

Rahne seemed startled to see Kitty.

"What - what are you doing here?" she stammered.
She clutched one hand to her breast while the other was hiding the flute
behind her back.

Kitty felt irritated at the girl's exaggerated reaction.
Rahne was staring at her as though she was an evil ghost.
Remembering that she was only halfway through the ceiling and thus really
had some semblance to a ghost, Kitty floated down to the floor.

Rahne looked like a deer cornered by hunters.
Kitty wanted to snap at her that she wasn't going to bite her but then
recalled her good resolution to no longer vent her bad mood on others and
instead she said:
"I'm sorry to have disturbed you, Rahne. I didn't know you could play the
flute."

Rahne seemed to relax a bit.

"I'm not that good at it," she muttered.

"I don't know that much about music, but to me it sounded good," Kitty
replied.

Rahne shook her head.
"Reverend Craig said I didn't have talent."

"Maybe he's the one who didn't have talent," Kitty suggested.
She had hoped that Rahne would laugh at her comment but the shapeshifter
tensed even more.

Another girl whom Kitty could take off her list of potential friends.

"Maybe I should go," Rahne muttered, gathering her notes.

Now Kitty really felt like a big bad wolf towering over an innocent goat.
Considering that the goat in question had the talent to shift into a wolf
made the image highly ironic.

"What's so funny?" Rahne asked defensively.

Kitty smoothed her features.
"Nothing. I just don't think you have to hide your music. There's definitely
no one here who is better at it than you. I'd be glad if I could play as
well as you."

A tentative smile appeared on Rahne's face.
"I've been practicing ever since I came here."

Remembering the purpose of her visit, Kitty asked:
"By the way, have you seen Illyana?"

Rahne's posture immediately became rigid again.
"I haven't seen her," she replied curtly.

At a loss how to break the ice between herself and Rahne, and more concerned
about Illyana, Kitty decided to leave.

"I'll no longer bother you."

When she was already at the door, Kitty turned back.
"Just in case you see her - could you please tell her I need to talk to
her?"

***

Rahne laid the notes back on the rack, upset.
Her inner being flinched at the thought of talking to Illyana.

She had wanted to practice alone. Why did Kitty Pryde have to interrupt her?

She smoothed some crinkles in her skirt.
The very thought of the sorceress made her hair stand up.
Reverend Craig had told her to abhor evil, yet she had to live under the
same roof with it.

'Thou shall not suffer a sorceress to live.'

Moira had explained to her that the bible's ban of sorcery pertained to the
invocation of other gods, not to her inborn mutant abilities.

Craig had wanted Rahne burnt at the stake, Moira argued.
Did she really want the Reverend dictate to her what to think?

The conversation replayed in Rahne's mind.

***

"You know, Rahne, I don't go often to holy services, but I do believe in God
as a Father who loves us. He has given you an intelligent mind and a
conscience. Use these gifts, don't let others define for you what is right
and what is wrong."

Rahne huddled closer to Moira. They were sitting on a cliff, watching the
sunset. The sun was a golden ball sinking into the water.

"It's all so difficult. I was told that Jews and atheists are amoral, and
now I'm going to live with them."

"You have to judge people by what they do, Rahne, not their confession, or
hair color, or what they look like."

Moira didn't say it but Rahne knew she was alluding to Rahne's fear of Kurt.
She found it hard to see anything but his demonic features.
But this wasn't what was troubling her the most at the moment.

"What about sorcery?" Rahne asked.

"You don't get along with Illyana, is it that?"

"You've seen Limbo. The evil is almost palpable. There are demons who want
to devour your body and soul and she is their mistress!"

Rahne was almost screaming. Tears started to well up in her eyes as she
remembered the horrible surroundings and her own helplessness.

"When she wrought her spell, it was as though she wanted to take possession
of my whole being - to change who I was and what I felt and believed and
twist me into - something, to obey her every command."

Moira tried to soothe her.

"Calm down, dearling, it's over."

"But you've been there," Rahne uttered between sobs.

Moira took a deep breath.
"I know that Limbo is a dreadful place, but Illyana helped to cure you of
Dagger's powers, and for that I am grateful to her."

Moira paused for a moment, then went on.

"You know that Illyana was abducted to Limbo when she was but a small child?
The X-men rescued her but Illyana fell into a kind of time fold and when she
reemerged, seven years had passed for her.
When I examined her, she was physically unhurt, but I doubt the same is true
for her psyche.
The only people to whom she relates closely are Kitty and her brother, and
they are away most of the time.
It must be difficult for her to cope in a new environment where she feels
like a stranger."

All this Moira had told in her cool doctor's voice.
Then she added affectionately to Rahne:
"Why don't you give her a chance, spells or not? I think under her
appearances Illyana is just as afraid of life as the rest of us."

Rahne didn't want to listen. Thinking of demon sorceresses as people went
against everything she had ever learned. She just let Moira rock her and
tried to forget the horrors of Limbo.

***

'She's just as afraid as the rest of us.'

Kitty had looked slightly distressed when she asked Rahne to look out for
Illyana. As far as Rahne knew, Kitty was Illyana's only friend.

Did demons have friends? Were demon sorceresses people?
Rahne banished the thoughts to the back of her mind.

But Kitty had clearly been worried about Illyana, Rahne had been able to see
that in her body language.

Rahne thought how Dani would care for her, how she would have liked her
friends to look after her.

With a sigh, she stored away the notes on a shelf and shifted to her wolven
form.

If Illyana was losing her mind, it might not be such a bad idea if she
helped find her as quickly as possible.

***

Not caring where her teleportation would take her, Illyana had called the
disk of light. She materialized in the Wild Land. Somehow, that location
surprised her. She hadn't been on these plains for years.

An arid wind parched her tears before she could shed them.
The Wild Land didn't allow weakness.

Automatically, Illyana scanned her surroundings. Dry, yellowish grass was
swaying in the breeze, possibly hiding predators.
Dark trees in the distance, shelter or danger.
For a moment, she thought she saw a shadow move there, but it couldn't be.
The distance was far too great, her imagination was deceiving her.
Was there something in the shadows stalking her?

Spells came to her mind. Farseeing, black fire, protection of thorns.
The last time she had seen these wild plains, she had been a sword fighters'
apprentice. Years of learning sorcery had passed since.

Many of the hexes she knew would deal with the creatures of the Wild Land
far more efficiently than the best of swords.

Yet this land had taught Illyana to survive, to cling to life no matter how
hard it seemed.

Effortlessly, she threw a circle of power around her to warn any savage
creature not to attack her.

The land was deeply scarred by black magic, yet the essence of what it once
had been still shone through.
Untamed life, effervescent, cruel, but it was life, not the death in which
demons reveled.
Illyana could sense the land's cry for revenge.

And no matter how cruel this site was, it was the first time in a long time
that Illyana didn't feel out of place.

Cruelty and desire for revenge she knew, far better than fitting into modern
American society.

When she had returned to Earth and the X-men, she had hoped that it would
miraculously wipe out her seven years of suffering in Limbo, yet those hopes
lay shattered now.

She wondered if she should return.

When Illyana strained her senses, she became aware of the ferocious
creatures hunting around her.
A sabretooth tiger was killing a zebra, birds of prey were picking at a
cadaver, a tentacle-plant was lurking for its next victim.

She was the mistress of this place. She could transform it if she wanted.
She thought of green meadows with flowers.
Slowly, the landscape around her changed. The grass became more lush, and
blooms appeared.

At the sight of this shadow of beauty, Illyana became acutely aware of the
tunnels beneath the ground, teeming with demons which only cruelty and
strength would keep in check.

A cold wind swept over her and the flowers withered. The weight of the
medallion around her neck reminded her of her double inheritance.

She could not transform Limbo into an oasis of beauty, just as she couldn't
turn herself back into a pure young girl.
But she would keep Limbo's demons under control.

Her teammates might be a pain on her nerves, but she wouldn't wish the
creatures of dark onto them or anyone else.

She had grown and she was a sorceress. She couldn't change that but she
could live with it

***

Illyana materialized in the entrance hall.
The clock on the wall told her it was quarter past six.
Unbelievable, but she had made it in time for dinner.

Illyana cautiously entered the living room.
Sam was watching a documentary about the use of solar energy.

"Hi, Illyana," he greeted her.
"Kitty has been looking for you. And I better tell Dani she can call Rahne
in."

"Rahne has been looking for me?"

"She said she needed some exercise anyway and in case she found you out in
the garden she could  tell you that you're stuck with the washing up for
the next three days.
You'd better tell people before you start practicing impromptu
teleportations as long as you've still problems with the time shift.
The Professor wants you to do some extra training in the next two weeks."

At that moment, Roberto entered.

"Surprise, the time-displaced sorceress made it in time for the washing up.
You're stuck with the washing up for the next three days," he greeted
Illyana.

"Are you sure you want me in such close proximity to your dishes where I can
ensorcel them into snatching the best morsels of your food?"

Dani entered.

"Illyana, Kitty's looking for you and you're to do the washing up..."

"...for the next three days. Furthermore, I'm to undergo extra training and
tell everyone before I try impromptu teleportations, I know.
Don't worry, I won't deprive you of my delightful company without notice, I
promise."

Roberto gave a mocking smile that Illyana deliberately ignored.
"It seems I better start looking for Kitty then. Do you know where I can
find her?"

"Try the least used parts of the cellar," Dani replied.
"And if you're at it, take some cleaning agents and a broom with you."

"You expect me to dance with the spiders riding on a broom?" Illyana asked
as she exited.

Dani hadn't exaggerated, the cellar really could do with a thorough
cleaning, Illyana thought as she clambered over bikes that no one ever used.

She soon gave up searching for the light switch and conjured a small magic
light instead.

"Kitty?" she asked.
She had a faint feeling that her friend was near.

She was startled by a rustle in the next room and when she peered around the
corner, she saw Lockheed feasting on a rat.
The little dragon greeted her with a purr and some rings of smoke.

Then Illyana heard footsteps and Kitty stumbled into the room, carrying a
huge flashlight.

"Lockheed," she chided, "quit chasing rats, you..."

She stopped in midsentence as she saw Illyana.

"Hi Kitty, the others told me you were looking for me."

"You left so suddenly," Kitty said almost reproachfully.

Illyana shrugged. "Sorry about that, you came upon me on a bad day."

Kitty shook her head. "No, I'm sorry, Yana. I didn't mean to criticize you,
it's just I'm feeling -- not myself, I guees.

Illyana seemed surprised.
"You're the most purposeful and determined person I know, Kitty."

Kitty brushed her hair back, fidgeting with her hands.

"That doesn't mean I fit in."

"You're a member of the X-men."

"Are you suggesting I start becoming a football fan like Logan or take an
ardent interest in the correct watering of plants, like Ororo?" Kitty
half-joked.
"And it's not as though the New Mutants are especially fond of me."

"At least they don't suspect you of planning the end of the world."

Kitty wanted to laugh but the matter of fact way in which Illyana had
delivered the last statement chilled her.

"What do you mean?"

"In case you didn't notice, I didn't exactly come back from Limbo the way I
was when I entered it.
I told you that the alternate Ororo taught me sorcery, but in fact, I also
was Belasco's apprentice for three years, and I didn't merely learn to
extract rabbits from a black hat."

Illyana gave a short, cynical laugh, then continued.

"Well, actually I can't do that, but I memorized a lot of spells to turn
living beings and even inanimate matter into whatever I pleased, and I still
know them.
I can't mend a broken chair, but I can give it jaws dripping with acid and a
very intense desire to devour human beings."

"When I finally overthrew Belasco, I did so with the help of the Dark Gods,
and although I refused my demon heritage, I know they are still lurking in
the back of my mind, waiting for me to open a gate for them into our
dimension."

"You better get a very good life-and-soul insurance if you decide to have
dealings with me, Kitty."

Kitty seemed shocked, but only for a moment.

"I don't care what others think of you, Illyana," she said angrily.

"You're my friend, and you haven't hurt anyone since you've been here.
So what if you grew up among demons? You aren't one of them because you
don't behave like one. I'm sure you can use your spells for good, and surely
you can learn healing if you want to."

Illyana seemed unconvinced.

Determined, Kitty seized Illyana's shoulders.
"You need to believe in yourself, Yana.
Surviving in Limbo all these years hasn't broken you, so don't let some
immature brats who don't know the difference between the end of the world
and a rain shower get to you."

Despite herself, Illyana had to smile.
"You really don't like them," she stated.

And then they hugged fiercely.

"Don't let anything break you, either," Illyana whispered.
"Life goes always on, even if you're stranded in a deserted place where
there's no one but you and wild beasts."

"What if they are trying to devor my soul?"

Kitty freed herself from Illyana's embrace brusquely.

"My father was in league with the Yakuza. He laundered money for them.
I used to think he was strong. I looked up to him.
And now there's just emptiness where that was."

Illyana tried to lay a comforting arm around Kitty's shoulders, but Kitty
brushed it off.

"And to top it all, there was a weird Ninja demon who brainwashed me and
tried to make me kill Logan."

Illyana gasped.
Kitty registered that maybe she had said too much.

"There was a demon?"

"I survived. He's dead now", Kitty tried to downplay what she had said.
Maybe she shouldn't talk about demons with Illyana.

Kitty realized that Illyana was not looking her in the eyes.

"I thought I saw something when I was scrying for you, but I wasn't sure.
I thought maybe it was only my imagination, and Wolverine was looking after
you, and I didn't know what I could have done."

"You sent Logan to look after me?"

"I had nightmares and was trying to conjure up a picture in a scrying bowl
of water, and Wolverine showed up, and I told him that I was worried about
you.
O Kitty, I'm so sorry."

Kitty shook her head.

"If you sent Logan after me, it was the best you could do.
And we made that demon pay, so don't worry about it."

Illyana smiled despite herself.
"You shouldn't have to comfort _me_ for not being able to help _you_."

"Well, I've been quite nasty lately, I guess it's time I start listening to
your problems."

"You've had a lot of things to deal with, I understand if you're not your
nicest self.
Besides, I grew up among demons, you would have to do a lot to beat them in
the domain of nastiness."

Illyana had meant it as a joke, but Kitty sobered.

"Illyana, I didn't want to remind you of that, I mean, if you don't want to
talk about it, of _if_ you want to talk about it..."

Illyana tensed. For a moment, it seemed as though she was going to defend
herself, then she relaxed.

"I'd rather not psychoanalyze my childhood in Limbo, Kitty.
I survived. I'd like to lead a normal life now -- as much as this is
possible in this madhouse", she added with a wry grin.

"Just remember that I'm there for you, if you need me, Yana."

"And I'm there for you, Kitty."

For a moment, these solemn words hung in the air, then they hugged.

After a minute or so, Illyana freed herself.

"Does that mean that you're going to help me with the washing up?"