Disclaimer: I don't own the New Mutants nor do I make any profit from this story (apart from venting my frustration.) Title: Never trust non-existent documentation Author: Hekatis Story Type: NM parody Characters: Illyana, Doug, Roberto, Sam, Dani, Warlock, Amara, Rahne Rating: PG Summary: Doug has to face a new challenge and all the books won't help him. Feedback: Will be welcomed at: hekatis@hotmail.com Archiving: Please ask first. Author's notes: For those not well-versed in (helplessly buried under) academic mathematics: A Markov chain is a stochastic process where each step only depends on the previous one, no matter what happened before that. Never trust non-existent documentation by Hekatis The monthly briefing of the New Mutants. Dani is telling her friends how to improve their public image. "Rahne, I know you sometimes have to change into wolf form in order to save someone, but could you do it in a way that people can still see your 'NM' logo? I don't want anyone to take us for the Avengers or something." "Why is it important whom they take us for if we are not going to present ourselves in the next election? I see the necessity to save the world but I still think I should be a senator," Amara interjects. "If we're already talking about it, why aren't we allowed to accept money from the people whom we save? Or ask them to bake chocolate cakes for us? Or serve us as butlers?" Doug brings up another point. "They didn't accept your last computer program, did they?" Roberto teases. Doug mumbles something impolite about software companies, their inability to recognize the perfect operating system even if it bit them and their absurd insistence on documentation. "Guys, this is not the time not to listen to me." Dani emphasizes her words by conjuring a gavel that hits the table in front of Roberto and Doug. "We need to decide on the new design of our uniforms." "Ahm, Dani, I know that money is a trivial thing but since we don't have much of it, I still believe repairing the roof is more important than new uniforms," Sam objects. "Maybe we could repair it ourselves," Rahne suggests. "What do you think how it got to be that badly damaged in the first place?" Dani reminds everyone. At that moment, Illyana materializes in the room. "How does it come you didn't entirely miss our meeting?" Roberto asks. Illyana glares at him and conjures an ax. "Do you believe we need a new roof or new uniforms?" Sam tries to prevent violence. Dani conjures a huge gavel. Illyana mumbles something very impolite about demons who don't recognize their perfect ruler even if she hits them with an ax and their absurd insistence on constant rebellion and slumps down on a chair. Warlock enters the room. "An entity calling itself the postman complained self doesn't look like a postbox and insisted that postboxes do not morph. Then it asked whether I was an Avenger and then it ran. Did self do something wrong?" (One week later, during which the roof crashed on the last remains of the original postbox.) A new briefing is taking place. "Does anyone want to bring up a point?" Dani asks. "Ahm, yes, I've read the draft for our statutes and articles and I think staying alive should have the same priority as improving the public perception of our logo," Sam proposes Rahne bursts in. "Sorry that I'm late but I had to comfort the postman. Illyana sent the postbox's zombie after him when he wanted her to pay a surcharge for our letters. I really think we should talk to her about it." "When she comes home from her rugby training she might actually listen without attacking us," Roberto suggests. "I do not understand how she finds time to play rugby during her demons' breeding season. A good adoptive mother should oversee her nurses," Amara states. "Don't you know? She gave up Limbo. She said something about being fed up with demons who don't respect her and wanting a new life." "How can an entity that is not dead have a new life?" Warlock asks. "Maybe it's a virus," Sam offers. "When I asked Doug to help me draw a plan for a new roof, he told me about being fed up with computer companies who do not respect his skills and wanting a new life." "Well, okay, Doug and the roof are important, but what do you think about my design for our new uniforms?" Dani asks. Meanwhile, Doug is 'enjoying' his new life. "Why do these blasted demons always have to rebel against me? More importantly, why does none of the books in Illyana's library tell me how to stop them? And why did I agree to this in the first place?" he yells at the silent walls of the dungeon in which the mutinous demons have cast him. Then he waits for his headache to subside so that he can think of a solution. "I have observed the demons clearly. Each rebellion only depends on the course of the previous one, not the ones before. Just why doesn't this help me at all?" he curses his fate. "And why doesn't Illyana answer my letters how to keep her demons in check?" One month later. Another meeting. This time, Illyana is present because she can no longer find opponents who are willing to play rugby against her. They somehow regret her violent fighting style and Illyana has started missing her demons. In the middle of a discussion whether saving the world is more important than repairing one's roof, a very subservient demon appears and asks to speak to Illyana. "Please come back, Mistress," he grovels. "We miss you. The new ruler is more cruel than you ever were. He doesn't even allow us to rebel any more." "How did he do that?" inquires Roberto and readies himself to take notes. The demon swallows hard. "He -- he bound as with Markov chains." Everyone gasps with horror. "If I agree to rule you again, do you promise to respect me?" Illyana takes advantage of the situation. The demon frowns. "Would be enough if we agreed to bake you a chocolate cake every week?" "Well, okay." "Just out of curiosity: Who is this new ruler who frightens even demons?" Roberto wants to know. "Me," Doug proclaims and steps out of the shadow. "And if I am to forfeit the rule of my subjects, I demand something in return." "I let you live?" Illyana suggests. With nerves steeled from countless demon rebellions, Doug gravely shakes his head. "That isn't enough. I want respect, money, chocolate cakes..." Illyana conjures a battle-ax and a set of daggers. Doug rattles his Markov chain menacingly. Before they can attack each other, Roberto intervenes. "Don't destroy the remnants of the roof. Settle for chocolate cake." The two opponents look at him, incredulous. Roberto takes Illyana aside and whispers: "You don't like chocolate cake, you've demons who bake chocolate cake for you, Doug wants chocolate cake -- where's the problem?" Illyana sees his logic and nods. "Why are you helping me?" "Anything to keep you from playing soccer, my love." Roberto proceeds to take Doug aside. "You don't really want to keep those demons?" "Well,..." "Think about it: how are you going to receive the paychecks for your programs if you're sitting in Limbo?" "They bought my operating system?!?" Doug asks, incredulous. "You managed to get our post??!!??" Dani asks, even more incredulous. "Well, yes, I promised the postman we'd get a normal postbox and a dog." "And, yes, there's a software company that wants to buy your program. They didn't quite understand it without a manual but they liked the screen saver." "Why can self no longer be a postbox?" Warlock asks.