Disclaimer: The New Mutants are copyrighted by Marvel. Marvel cannot be held responsible for this story, however. Author: Hekatis Title: A vacation (and other calamities) in fairy country Story type: Parody Summary: The New Mutants visit fairy country – and get stuck there. Told from Doug's point of view. Characters: Doug, Illyana, Sam, Amara, Dani (appearances), Roberto, Rahne, Warlock (mentioning) Rating: PG should suffice. (slight sexual allusions, creative interpretation of fairy tales) Feedback (and/or correction of spelling/grammatical errors): Welcome very much. Please write to: hekatis@hotmail.com Dedicated to all those readers who have sent me feedback so far. I'm sorry I didn't reply to some of the messages, but my schedule was very tight. Archiving: Unless you have prior permission, please ask first. A vacation (and other calamities) in fairy country by Hekatis What color are the hats of the seven dwarfs? You'd think that was a harmless question. You'd think. I think different now. It all started quite innocently. Warlock found an old book of fairy tales and since the information provided in the book proved quite sketchy, he asked me to fill the gaps. Unfortunately, I didn't know what color the hats of the seven dwarfs are (nor what the hairlength of Snow-White is) and – even more unfortunately – Warlock asked Dani and Roberto while I was searching the Internet for an answer to his question. Dani and Berto immediately engaged in a heated discussion whether the seven dwarfs wore hats or caps and if this might be because they are bald or because they want to hide horns. When their debate got so loud that it disturbed Illyana's concentration on the talkshow she was watching about people who are afraid of bunnies, she simply sent them to fairy country to see for themselves. The ensuing calm didn't last long because Rahne wanted Dani to betaread her newest short story about two elves who try to protect a forbidden forest, and got very upset when she learned that Illyana had sent Dani and Berto to a potentially dangerous place and insisted we all should go to save them. When we arrived, Dani was teaching the seven dwarfs (who were actually eight women dwarfs) self-defense and Berto was flirting with White Snow. Now it was Illyana's turn to be upset but before she could do anything that Berto might regret, the evil stepmother showed up and offered us poisoned apples. Even then, diplomacy could still have saved us, but unfortunately, Berto's interpretation of a hero is that you have to beat the villains (literally). Illyana yelled at him for knocking the evil stepmother unconscious before she could try her new spell to turn someone into toothpaste on her. Berto argued back that they all had clean teeth anyway and that a spell to turn someone into a pencil would be much more useful because then Illyana could stop borrowing (and losing) his. Unfortunately, the evil stepmother regained consciousness while Illyana and Berto were enjoying their quarrel and directed a spell to divest someone of any useful ability at Berto. Fortunately, Snow-White was able to save him by shoving Illyana in the way. Illyana retaliated by turning the evil stepmother into an oven and the eight dwarfs decided to give up mining and become bakers. Then the handsome prince made his appearance. Vexed that Snow-White didn't need saving, he directed his anger at the first male he set sight on – which happened to be me. (I wonder if Sam really needed to check that tree top for hidden enemies?) Free of any ulterior motive, Illyana offered to turn Snow-White (who was flirting with Berto again) into a frog so that the handsome prince could save her, but alas her spell didn't work the way she had intended it to and now I am pursued by a two foot big frog who can only be freed from his curse if I tongue-kiss it. Amara started to get worried about returning home in time for the broadcast of the wrestling match (Can anyone tell me what's so attractive about closet-sized men trying to tear each other to pieces?) and asked Illyana how she felt. Illyana admitted that she might not be completely unaffected by the evil stepmother's curse and proved it by constantly looking for people she was talking to in the opposite direction and persistently confusing left and right. (In other words, she had lost any sense of direction and a teleportation of hers might lead us straight into demonic dungeons full of giant frogs or an interstellar wrestling arena.) The next 24 hours are not totally clear in my memory because Dani kept putting tranquilizers in my mouth whenever I started to yell something, but I think we decided unanimously (Dani raised my hand for me) that we had to stay in this dimension until Illyana regained her sense of direction. We found a spacious castle to rent that isn't too expensive – which might have something to do with the fact that it is built out of ice and has no heating. The voice of the demon sorceress to whom we all owe our 'holiday' in this nice, cool place disturbs my musings. She is talking to Amara. "I just wonder where Doug is. I need him to accept a parcel for me that is going to be delivered today and I can't receive it myself because I have to be at the university." Maybe I forgot to mention it, but Illyana actually felt guilty enough for stranding us here that she got a teacher's assistant job at the nearby magic school in order to pay the rent. "I am convinced it is difficult to hold the attention of first-year students in a course about ancient demonic runes. Is that why you are wearing such a short skirt?" "It nicely shows off my hooves when I change into my demon self. The principal insisted I wasn't allowed to turn the students into slugs but he said nothing about transforming myself." "I am sure it is an interesting occupation teaching those who do not want to pay attention. Do you still get to sleep with all the assignments you have to correct?" "Well, it's a bit time-consuming but at least the homework doesn't try to kill me – as opposed to your task. Are you sure you don't want to take some precast, applicable-at-any-time healing spells of mine with you in case one of the dragons you are trying to slay crushes you first?" "Should you not be more concerned about Douglas' health? In case your parcel arrives, the vampire bats carrying it will expect some refreshment and I assume they will not accept blood orange juice." Unfortunately, I wasn't able to listen to the rest of their conversation because I was too busy following a sudden whim to hide in the forbidden forest near the castle. So I'm marching through the cold, misty forest, trying to convince myself that this physical activity is healthy and that I'm _not_ turning into an icicle. Only half an hour later, however, I'm forgetting all about any problems associated with the lack of warmth as I find myself surrounded by eleven blue, hairy spiders one head taller than myself. The spiders are very polite, ask me to sit down in their net and offer me iced apple juice. Then they start telling me the history of their life and especially how much they hate living in the forbidden forest. Inbetween, they serve another five liters of iced apple juice and I really wish I could think of a polite way to decline that does not entail my mutilation or death. Although I was raised not to interrupt people (especially when they are bigger than me and have sharp mouth tools), after five hours when they are telling me for the 14th time how much they regret the absence of any cultural activity in the forest, I can no longer refrain from inquiring "If you don't like it here, why don't you move out?" The spiders look at me wistfully. "Just remember to always, always pay your bills to good fairies in time." Good fairies charge for helping people? Now that's interesting. "Maybe I can help you. I know a good fairy in training whom I could persuade to relieve you." Maybe I forgot to mention it, but Rahne is profiting from the time we have to spend here in order to learn the trade of a good fairy. Usually, the seminar takes two years, but Rahne is trying to do it in four weeks and the way she is combining classes and advancing exams, she might actually succeed. Warlock is helping her by serving her as an electronic timetable, by the way. The spiders sigh deeply. "Alas, the fairy's malediction stipulates that we can only be delivered from our fate if we are cursed by a demon sorceress – but which demon sorceress who cares about her reputation would enter this forest?" Suddenly I realize how both the spiders and myself can be saved. As fast as my frozen legs will carry me, I sprint away, promising the spiders that I will be back with their redemption soon. Back at the castle, I find Illyana and Dani in a intense discussion about men (i. e., Roberto and what he has done this time to annoy Illyana). Dani is listening quietly and trying to bring Illyana to admit that she has a problem. (Did I mention that Dani is taking a course in psychology?) "Can you imagine that? Just when I had bothered to learn a spell that trusses him to the bed so that his wild tossing and turning no longer awakes me, he moves out of our room and takes up residence in the computer room of his university." "That's really unforgivable, Illyana, but do you think you might have done something to push Roberto out of your life?" "Absolutely not. I was kindness in person. I even offered to correct his homework for him. But he wasn't thankful in the least when I pointed out that if he intended to run a dimension of demons that way, they would overthrow him before he could call me for help." "Now that's really unforgivable!" "Even worse, who am I going to practice my spells on to see whether my sense of direction is coming back?" Illyana looks around searchingly and I duck behind a vase with motifs of a fire-spitting witch. "And to top it all, I'm teaching first years the meaning of stupid runes while I could be reorganizing Limbo. Sometimes I no longer feel like a real sorceress at all." A horrible thought invades my mind. What if Illyana ever gets the idea that a real sorceress has to constantly dash out power blasts? Should I have accepted the spiders' offer to become their apprentice and learn weaving? "You know what, Illyana, let's watch a video to distract you. I rented 'Slayers'." Oh no. The main character of this series is a sorceress whose main occupation is to cause magical explosions. Quick. How can I make this tape disappear? Fortunately, Amara enters at that moment. From the way her clothes and eyebrows are scorched I conclude that she had a rough day. I quickly snatch the tape and have it disappear in the vase (which turns out to have quite sharp teeth and a good stomach.) "Didn't the dragons want to be slain?" Illyana inquires politely. "No one allowed them to fight back", Amara exclaims angrily. "So what did you do?" Dani asks. "I fought fire with fire." "Aren't dragons immune to fire attacks?" Dani wonders out loud. "No one allowed them to be that either!" "Amara, you did manage to slay that dragon, didn't you?" Illyana inquires courteously. "I attacked it with an earthquake." "Can't dragons fly?" Dani wonders out loud. "And do they have a license?" Illyana adds. "I shall not lose to dragons. I shall practice until they die." Amara storms off. Illyana starts to look worried. "Are dragons vengeful creatures?" Dani asks. "Because we don't have fire insurance for the building." Illyana looks really worried now. "I guess I better start revising the 'Dragon Slave' now." "The 'Dragon Slave'!?!" I exclaim, shocked and very afraid for my well-being. Illyana seems only mildly surprised to see me. "It's a very ancient and powerful spell. The original name was 'Dragon Slayer' but that changed with time. You can use it to blast a dragon to pieces." I shudder at the thought. Maybe I always wanted to learn weaving. "Douglas, since you're here, could you please feed the nine vampire bats that are waiting in the kitchen? I'm too tired for that and I still have to correct 20 essays." I frantically try to convince Dani that she is more suited to deal with the vampire bats. Couldn't she talk them into a diet or becoming vegetarians? Dani realizes that I have a problem and drags me up to her room for a therapeutic session. "Now relax, Doug. There are all this petty matters clouding your mind. You have to shake them to see the essential. Breathe. Relax. Breathe. Do you feel how you leave the world behind yourself?" Oh yes. I'm feeling calm and serene and even the vampire bats are no longer bothering me. My mind is free and suddenly all the important questions I never had the time or courage to ask come back to me. Why not ask them now? "Ahm, Dani, do you happen to know the capital of Switzerland? And how long do you have to cook lentils?" Somehow Dani does not seem to think these are important questions because she throws me out, muttering something about all men being superficial and her not wasting her time to save me from vampire bats. When I return, the problem has already been taken care of. The vampire bats have left the kitchen and Sam is sitting in a chair in the living room with a large glass of blood orange juice in his hands to revitalize himself. "You look kind of pale", I remark. Sam waves his hand. "Inducing these bats to substitute tomato juice for half of their food was nothing compared to the other tasks I faced today." Sam works as a peace negotiator. Unfortunately, it is not a paid job, as Illyana points out frequently. "There were some villagers who wanted indemnification for their village being destroyed by an earthquake. And their lawyer was a dragon. Do you think you could bring Illyana her parcel? I'm feeling a bit exhausted at the moment." As I carry the package up the stairs, I wonder what I am going to say to Illyana. There are some spiders who would really like to meet you? Unless the spiders could pay Illyana wouldn't want to help them. There are some spiders I'd really like you to meet? Well, I couldn't pay her either. Would you like to go for a walk with me in the forbidden forest? No, I really didn't want to be turned into a spider. I do not get to ask my question because as soon as I knock, the door snatches the package from my hands and Illyana shouts something about wanting to work undisturbed. As I sit dejectedly in the living room, Sam starts giving me advice. "Whatever it is Doug, brooding won't mend it." "How would you go about asking Illyana to accompany you into the forbidden forest?" I respond gloomily. "Well, you should go and ask her. Sometimes you just have to be a man, Doug. She may turn you down, but I'm sure she'll respect your feelings." I'm beginning to fear what this whole spider-affair is going to do to my reputation. I muster my courage and I've almost reached Illyana's door when it leaves me. I'll enter on the count of 3. One, two, pi eighth, pi eight and root of two tenth,... I just have to do it. I yank the door open -- and freeze. The sight is just too horrible. As I stumble backward, I hear Illyana's chiding voice. "You know, if you knocked, you could prevent yourself from seeing things you aren't supposed to see." "You – you cloned yourself?!? Eight times?!!" "How do you think I'm going to pay the rent with merely one teacher's assistant job? I need to correct essays, prepare rune sketches, I want to learn stochastic spells and I need time to read the manual of the new cellphone Roberto bought me." The next morning at breakfast, however, there was only one Illyana. "What happened to your clones?" I ask. "They didn't survive the first washing. I really should have known better than acquiring a spell without warranty. But maybe I can amend it myself so that the clones become waterproof." "I could correct your essays for you," I offer. "You know about demonic runes?" "No, I was simply going to underline all the punctuation errors." "That would suffice. Oh, and don't give someone a grade better than B- unless they enclosed a check. Oh, and could you write a summary of the 3500 pages of the cellphone manual?" When all the others have left (except for Sam, who decided to take a day off), I coil up with three layers of blankets in a corner of the living room and start grading the essays of Illyana's students. I quickly get into an argument with Sam, because Sam wants to drink the tomato juice while I want to use it as a substitute for the red ink we cannot afford. I quickly concede all of the juice to Sam, however, when the dragon lawyer appears to make his claims against Amara. I briefly wonder whether a cellphones-for-dummies manual should be written in Assembler source code, but then Roberto always had the ability to find special gifts for his beloved. When she returns this evening, Illyana looks positively worn out. "Can you imagine that? One of the students actually dared to ask a question. He delayed me fifteen minutes when he wanted to know the details of demonic calligraphy." "So what delayed you for the rest of the five hours you are late?" Amara demands to know matter-of-factly. "I wanted to give him a demonstration but I accidentally summoned the wrong demon and cleaning up the mess took quite some time." "Would it not have been easier if you had contented yourself with transferring him to another class?" "I wanted to return this month." "Displacing yourself in time has never been a problem for you before." "What if I'm not here when your friend the dragon tries to melt our house?" "Doug, I think this is the time you tell Illyana about the features of her new cellphone," Sam declares to me and shoves me towards the demon sorceress. "Amara, about the dragon you attacked – it visited today and I think I need to talk to you in private about this incident", Sam says diplomatically while I set out to explain to Illyana how she can use her cellphone simultaneously to print out her mail, watch seven TV channels and bake a cake. The discussion between Sam and Amara is getting louder. "I refuse to give this dragon a formal apology," Amara yells. "The law is on his side. You destroyed his village in an unprovoked assault." "I won't!" "Hmm. If you marry me, I could write it in your name." I don't know what Amara answered because at this moment Sam finally remembered to shut the door. "And how do I use it to make phone calls?" inquires Illyana. "Oh, well, you know, for all the extra features, some of the basic functionality had to be reduced." "You mean, I should go back to using vampire pigeons?" "O, no, no, I wouldn't go that far – the software actually contains descriptions for building electronic pigeons." Suddenly, an idea occurs to me. "It all depends on the reception. It's somewhat mediocre here, but I know a place in the forbidden forest where it would be excellent." And so I trot off to the forbidden forest, closely followed by Illyana who seems to enjoy this sinister environment. (That's at least what I conclude from comments like "How marvelous. These scrawny trees look almost like skeletons." or "Don't you think the howling in the background is melodious?") After about half an hour, we have reached the clearing where I first met the spiders – but they are gone. I gasp in shock. Were all my efforts in vain? "So this is where my cell phone is supposed to work?" Illyana asks. "Oh, ahm, yes!" I frantically scan the clearing. But there is nothing but green slime, cobwebs, clouds of fog and what looks like the remnants of the spiders' breakfast. "Really?" It startles me when I realize that Illyana is standing right in front of me, staring questioningly at me and giving me an excellent view of everything her sleeveless, low-necked T-shirt doesn't cover. It amazes me how she manages not to freeze in clothes like that. "You take me to a romantic place like this with nothing on your mind but my cellphone, which, by the way, doesn't work here either?" "Oh, no, no you misunderstand me. I mean, you are a POWERFUL DEMON SORCERESS with the POWER TO CURSE ME should I do anything you don't want. I know you can CURSE ANYONE WHO TRIES TO ATTACK YOU and I really don't want to fall victim to one of your POWERFUL CURSES." Damn. Where are these spiders? I'm risking my life or sanity or both here to rescue them and they don't even bother to show up? "Doug, are you all right? You seem -- kind of agitated and I almost get the impression – you want to be cursed?" The disdainful expression on her face advises me to quickly deny this. "What kind of sorceress do you think I am? As soon as you start wearing horns and hooves, people make the wildest assumptions about you!" "No, really not, it's just ..." Yeah, what is it? I felt sympathy with some poor spiders and decided to put myself through the wringer for them? I wanted to prove you can be a hero without superpowers, you just need to be a superfool and venture into the forest alone with a demon mistress? "I overheard you say you need someone to practice your spells on, to see if your sense of direction is coming back – and I wanted to help you. I mean, I'd really like to leave this place and return to somewhere where the word 'heating' is known." "Oh, Doug, that's really kind of you, and Sam told me to respect your feelings but – I don't think it could work. Roberto just makes me angry and then I know what curse to use on him. But with you I can't work up the rage and I don't know how to curse you." "Well, ahm, then, maybe I better leave you here and ..." "No," she states determinedly. "We're going to try it. Let me think. What do you want to be cursed into?" "Oh, ahm, I don't know. What do you want to curse me into?" "Hm. Pigeon? Deer? Lame tiger?" "I'm not sure. Maybe we should sleep this over." "There must be a curse that fits you. Have you never thought about what curse you want?" "Ahm, I'm not sure." "Pencil? Pot? Men's underwear?" Suddenly, her eyes lit up. And the next thing I remember is the urge to ring whenever I want to say something. I mean, I'm glad that Illyana regained her powers and Sam assures me I made a really nice cellphone – it's just: Couldn't she pay a bit more attention to the counterspell? It's getting kind of annoying that all my teammates are using me to send SMS-messages. Well, at least I'm enjoying the warm heating and I don't have to drink iced apple juice anymore. "Doug?" Dani interrupts me. "There are eleven spiders who want to deliver 12 crates of iced apple juice to you. They say your love of their product encouraged them to sell it, and now they are free of debts, free to go where they want and they wish to thank you."