Disclaimer: I don’t have the Copyright for the New Mutants, Marvel does, but
you weren’t going to get this mixed up anyway, were you?

Title: True happiness and what house-renovating has to do with it

Author: Hekatis

Rating: PG

Characters: Doug, Roberto, Illyana, Rahne, Dani

Story type: Parody

Summary: When Doug and Illyana break up with their respective significant
others, they need to decide what to do with their lives.
Illyana has an innovating idea, but can Doug bear the pressure of being a
business man?

Feedback: Will be welcomed at:  hekatis@hotmail.com

True happiness and what house-renovating has to do with it

by Hekatis

Doug is in the kitchen, trying violently to cut a large loaf of bread into
slices with an even larger knife. Several slices of bread with very rough
edges and of extremely different thickness illustrate the futility of his
attempt.
Roberto enters.

Roberto (smirking): "You need help?"

Doug: "I’d rather starve."

Roberto: "But what about the rest of us? You aren’t preparing lunch just for
yourself."
(exiting)
"Call me when you’ve changed your mind. You should have memorized my cell
phone number by now."

Shortly after he has left, Illyana enters the kitchen and starts rummaging
through the cupboard for a box of tea.

When Doug utters a scream of pain after cutting himself, she looks up at
him.

Illyana (casually): "You need help?"

Doug (adamantly): "NO!"

Illyana shrugs and continues preparing herself a cup of herbal tea.

Roberto enters again.

Roberto: "You’ve already changed your mind?"

Doug mutters something unfriendly under his breath and continues slicing
with even more vigor.
Illyana gets up to leave.

Roberto (as she brushes past him): "Why is it that you always leave a room
when I enter it?"

Illyana (sarcastically): "Might have something to do with the fact that we
broke up last week."

Roberto: "You really know how to bear a grudge, don’t you?"

Illyana exits without looking at him.

Doug (curious): "You two are through with each other?"

Roberto: "Would you want to live with someone who prepares even worse
sandwiches than you do, Ramsey?"

Doug (perceptive): "Your holiday in that chalet you rented in the mountains
was less than ideal?"

Illyana (from the adjoining room): "I did remember to bring toothpaste this
time."

Roberto: "Unfortunately, you forgot to buy bread."

Illyana: "I don’t know what you want, there was still crispbread from the
people who spent their vacation there before us."

Roberto: "They even left us some tins with goulash. Unfortunately, there was
no tin opener. Oh, and let’s not forget that 2kg-package of spinach in the
freezer."

Illyana (aggressively): "I really don’t know what you didn’t like about my
crispbread sandwiches with toothpaste."

Roberto (shouts back): "Maybe I don’t like my sandwiches with mint flavor."

Illyana stalks away, offended.

Roberto (slumps down on a chair and mutters resentful): "She’s a pest. She
always wants to have things her way. I’m glad I realized that before it was
too late."

Doug: "Why didn’t you ask her to teleport and bring some food?"

Roberto (acerbic): "You’ve never spent a romantic evening with her after
she’s been to Limbo, have you?"

Doug: "I’ve missed something?"

Roberto: "Depends on how interested you are in lectures about demonology.
But that wasn’t the worst thing.
I’ve always tried to make our being together perfect, but she didn’t even
care. She would show up to formal dinners in her demon sorceress robes, and
when I asked her to serve me freshly squeezed orange juice, she brought me
Valensina (*German orange juice brand that advertises its product as being
as good as squeezed from fresh oranges*)."

Roberto prepares to leave.
"Tell me when you’ve defeated this loaf of bread. Oh, and maybe you should
bandage your finger before you bleed to death."

Roberto exits.
Doug stares dejectedly into the sea of blood that is spilling from his
finger onto the kitchen table.

Illyana teleports into the kitchen and deposits a first aid kit next to
Doug.

Doug looks up at her.

Doug (harshly): "I don’t need your help."

Illyana (pouting): "The fact that I’m commanding a dimension of demons
doesn’t mean that I can’t try to be a friendly and helpful person
sometimes."

Doug: "Emphasis being on sometimes?"

Illyana: "You’re lucky I’m saving my mystic energies for taking revenge on
Roberto."

Doug (resignedly): "I guess I might as well listen to your version of the
story."

Illyana (bitter): "He thinks he is so important. He can talk endlessly about
stock exchange quotations and economics but he flatly refuses to feign more
than a superficial interest when I want to tell him about my sorcery and the
proper care of pet demons."

Doug has bandaged up his finger but unfortunately, he is incapable of
cutting the loaf of bread now.

With a gesture of her hand, Illyana casually weaves a spell that cuts the
loaf into neat slices.

Doug is flabbergasted.

Illyana (chagrined): "You could at least say thank you. You’re like Roberto.
He complained when I wore an unfashionable dress to a party but he never
thanked me for cursing his rivals in business.
The worst thing was, he always compared me to the other women in his life. I
might have stood comparison with his mother, but the orange juice I squeezed
for him will never be as delicious as the one that his family’s ten kitchen
maids prepared for him."

Doug has absentmindedly started to empty the dishwasher.

Illyana: "You’re listening to me, are you?"

Rahne enters the kitchen and relieves Doug of answering, sparing him the
choice between honesty and his life.

Rahne (upon seeing the neat slices of bread): "O Doug, I could never have
done that myself so neatly. These slices look wonderful. And since you
managed to cut them so fast, you still have time to assemble the new
computer desk Dani bought for me."

She kisses him on the cheek and exits.

Doug approaches Illyana and fixes on her menacingly.

Doug: "Never, ever, try to help me again. I’d rather fail myself than
succeed with your help."

Illyana (unwavering): "You and Rahne have a problem?"

Doug (slumping down on a chair): "Why would that interest you?"

Illyana (with restrained sympathy): "If assuming that I have an ulterior
motive for showing compassion helps you, just suppose that hearing about
other people’s problems cheers me up."

Doug (depressed): "Rahne has these notions of what a real man should be
like. She expects me to do all these manly things, like changing light
bulbs, heaving heavy things or assembling furniture.
But the fact that I’m able to write computer programs doesn’t mean I have 
to be able to put together a computer – or a computer desk - does it?"

Illyana (while sipping her cup of herbal tea): "I don’t think so. I always
call Dani when I need to assemble furniture."

Doug: "Me too. But how am I going to tell this to Rahne?"

Illyana: "You could try to find another girlfriend. Or maybe there is a
mathematical solution to your problem?"

Doug: "Well, there is actually an algorithm to ensure stable marriages."

Illyana (interested): "How does it work?"

Doug: "Basically, you have to form couples so that no one is going to cheat
on their partner because everybody whom he or she is interested in having an
affair with is married to someone they prefer."

Roberto (from the adjoining room): "I see a problem with your solution:
their is no transparency in the marriage market."

Doug: "Pardon?"

Illyana: "What he means is: you’ll never be able to form couples according
to this algorithm because you’ll never have all the information about who
likes whom."
(at Doug’s questioning stare)
"I sometimes did listen to Roberto’s lectures about economic theory."

Roberto: "So what are the three other criteria for pure and perfect
competition?"

Illyana (gathering her cup of tea): "I really need to leave. I’ll never get
a grip on my life again if I have to see him daily."

Rahne bursts in, carrying a catalogue of wallpaper samples.
She shows one of them to Doug.

Rahne: "O Doug, don’t you think that this pattern of pink flowers on a greem
background would look marvelous on the walls of your room? I immediately
need to buy two dozen of these rolls."

Rahne hurriedly leaves the room.

Doug (to Illyana): "Wherever you go, do you think I could come with you?"

*****

Rahne is sitting in front of a large carton that contains the boards, nails
and screws of her newly bought computer desk.

Dani enters with a toolkit.

Dani: "So let’s assemble your computer desk."
She eagerly starts to unpack her tools.

Rahne: "I – I’ve asked Doug to help me."

Dani ( as she produces a hammer from her kit): "Rahne, look at this hammer.
Now think of Doug. Do you see the two of them forming any sort of
relationship?"

Rahne: "What are you aiming at?"

Dani: "Let’s put it this way: there is no way, has never been and will never
be that Doug will learn how to use this hammer correctly."

Rahne: "But there are courses to learn how to do that. He could follow the
same course that you have taken."

Dani (sternly): "Rahne, there are two sorts of people: those who can learn
how to use a hammer and those who can’t. Doug is definitely in the can’t 
category.
Now take that hammer into your hand."

(Rahne does as Dani has told her.)

Dani: "Can you feel its force? Its power?"

Rahne nods.

Dani: "Now take two boards and a nail. Place the nail where you want to join
the two. Now drive the nail into the them."

Rahne hesitantly takes two boards and a nail and adjusts them as Dani has
told her.

Dani: "Rahne, just do it."

Rahne: "But this is men’s work."

Dani: "Rahne, look at these prefabricated pieces. Now picture Doug. Can you
see how he bruises his fingers with this heavy hammer? How the heavy boards
bury him beneath themselves when he has falsely joined them?"

Rahne: "B-but..."

Dani: "You don’t want him to get harmed, do you?"

Rahne: "N-no..."

Rahne reluctantly begins to assemble the desk herself.

Dani: "Look at it this way: There are much less severe ways he can maim
himself in doing the laundry."

Rahne: "But doing the laundry is women’s work."

"Rahne", Dani sets out for a long lecture about equality and gender roles 
while Rahne continues to assemble the desk under her supervision,
"Rahne, there is no such a thing as a natural law that ordains that women
have to do the laundry and men have to assemble furniture. Nor that women
can’t understand technology and men can’t learn how to care for kids. Nor
that women have to decorate the home while her husbands are out to govern
the world.  No.  All these things constitute labor.  Labor can be shared 
and freely distributed to those who are most apt to do it.
Our whole society is based on the division of labor according to a person’s
talent.
You are free to assemble this computer desk and you don’t have a natural
right to do the laundry."

Rahne has just finished assembling the computer desk.
Rahne (meekly): "But I may still bear the kids, can’t I?"

***

Illyana and Doug are sitting in a fast-food restaurant by the freeway,
trying to decide what to do with their lives.

Doug: "I understand that I have nowhere to go but why don’t you retreat to
Limbo?"

Illyana: "Have you ever spent an entertaining year with demons?
No, I’d like to try something new.  Grow radishes, maybe."

Doug: "You’re aware that the market for agricultural products is more than
tight? At best, they will pay you money if you don’t open a farm."

Illyana: "What about you? Can’t you write computer programs?"

Doug: "Only if I lower my standards."

Illyana: "Pardon?"

Doug: "Everyone is used to Neigborsoft products.
Maybe I’d like to write a book. An aunt of mine bequeathed me a villa. I
might take quarters there."

Illyana: "You own a villa? Why don’t you sell it?"

Doug: "It’s old and dilapidated. I planned to renovate it with Rahne. But
when we wanted to choose a new carpet, I started to realize that our
characters might not match."

Illyana: "You know what you just said?"

Doug: "That I’m bad at do-it-yourself?"

Illyana: "That the way to see if two people form a good couple is to have
them renovate a house together.
You have a run-down villa and there's plenty of couples out there who have 
a need to see if they are really meant for each other.
We could have them renovate the house for us and then sell the renovated
house with a profit."

***

Six months later. At a fast-food restaurant by the freeway. Doug spots a
couple and approaches them.

Doug (with faked cheerfulness) "Hello, dear customers. May I see your
identity cards, please? If you are born in a month with an even number, you
have won a holiday."

The woman of the couple hands him her ID.

Doug glances at it.

"You’re born in May? What a wonderful month. Unfortunately, you haven’t won
two weeks on the Bahamas but as a consolation prize, you have won a holiday
to deepen your partnership. You’re welcome to spend four weeks at our
couples’ retreat (painting walls or setting rails by the stairs but I’m not
telling you that right now)."

He hands her two tickets and exits.

***

The old villa. Evening of the same day. In the kitchen.

Doug slumps down on a kitchen chair. The chair minds and breaks down.
Doug utters some swear words.

Illyana enters the room.

Illyana: "Shall I help you get up or would that hurt your manly pride?"

Doug: "Maybe you could just repair the chair."

Illyana murmurs a spell and the chair reassembles itself, only now it is
decorated with carvings of demons.

Doug (reproachful): "That was our last normal-looking chair."

Illyana: "I can’t see anything wrong with it."

Doug: "You’ve definitely spent too much time in Limbo with your demons."

Illyana (proudly): "I haven’t been there since I’ve attended ‘Demon
Sorceresses Anonymous’."

Doug: "That makes two weeks now, doesn’t it?"

Illyana (beaming): "Two weeks and two days. I’m really starting to feel
human again."

(She casually weaves a spell that lays the table.)

Doug: "So since you already know that my day recruiting new customers was
horrible and tiring, and since you consequently don’t need to ask how I am,
what did you do today?"

Illyana (self-satisfied): "I convinced two women to divorce their husbands
because they don’t support them properly when cleaning windows."

Doug: "Was that before or after they finished cleaning the windows?"

Illyana: "Before. Why?"

Doug: "Illyana, does it ever occur to you that I don’t want to spend the
rest of my life like that?"

Illyana (sincerely): "No."

Doug: "Okay, I’m going to be frank.
I hate recruiting customers, I hate being beaten up by the husbands whose
wives you convinced to get divorced, and I don’t want to live in a
dilapidated house without electricity forever."

Illyana (sympathetically): "You want something to eat?"

She teleports a package of crispbread in front of him.

Doug (wearily): "We’re out of toothpaste?"

Illyana: "You told me to finish the repairs as soon as possible, so I bought
wall paint instead of toothpaste."

***

The next day. Roberto and Rahne in disguise are standing in front of Doug’s
and Illyana’s couples’ retreat.

Rahne: "Why are we doing this, Berto?"

Roberto: "Okay, again. One of my servants won a ticket to this couples’
retreat, and since I know that one of the owners of this place has been
selling gold to my company, and since my losses have tripled since then, 
I want to investigate the matter.
I don’t know why you have such scruples.
All you have to do together with me is some repair work."

Rahne: "That’s the exact nature of the problem.
How can I lay tiles myself when I have just convinced Dani to join
‘Do-it-yourselfers Anonymous’?"

Roberto: "You think too much."

He rings the doorbell.

One of Illyana’s demon servants in human disguise opens and shows them to
their room.

Rahne: "This room looks kind of shabby."

Demon servant in human disguise (with a guttural accent): "It’s your task to
renovate it. You will find tools and material in the hall."

The demon servant prepares to leave.

Roberto: "Wait. Where can I meet the owners of this place?"

Demon servant: "They’re not here. They will meet you if they want to."

The demon servant leaves.

Roberto: "I’m no man to wait. I will find them."

***

Doug awakes – to find a giant snake staring at him.

He swiftly shuts his eyes again.
When he opens them once more about ten minutes later, the snake is still
staring at him.

The rational part of his mind argues that this means that the snake is not
going to eat him.
The irrational part of his mind, however, starts screaming.

Illyana appears in his view and places a glass of water on the bedside
table.

"Good morning, Doug. Did you sleep well?"

The rational part of Doug’s mind now gains control and realizes that he is
lying in a four-poster bed. The snake is only carpented.
Then the fact registers that Illyana is only wearing a thin black negligée
and that the bed is probably hers and the rational part of his mind starts
asking some unpleasant questions.

Doug: "Uhm, Illyana, I can’t remember how I got here. Did I miss something
interesting last night? "

Illyana: "The American president visited China and Da Costa International
lost 20% of its value.
Apart from that, I teleported you here after you hit your head against the
kitchen table one time too often.
I didn’t want to risk placing you in your own dilapidated bed."

Doug (relieved): "Thanks Goodness."

Illyana: "You can say that. If you had slept in your own bed, you might have
crushed it and died in the rubble."

Doug now takes in his surroundings.

The room is adorned in black and red, the walls are hidden behind heavy
tapestry showing scenes of tempests and volcano eruptions, while the floor
is laid with tiles in white and gray, which form the pattern of a pentagram.

Doug: "Uh, this room is really – cute.
Did you decorate it yourself, Illyana?"

Illyana: "Of course I did. This one and ten others. l really like interior
decorating. It helps me not to think of my – past."

Doug: "Where did you take the money for all these sculptures and
expensive-looking carvings?"

Illyana: "I turned some clay into cursed gold and sold it."

Doug: "And I was hoping you had just been stealing it."

Illyana: "Don’t worry, I only sold it to Roberto’s company."

At this moment, Roberto enters the room, sees Doug and Illyana, draws some
obvious (but wrong) conclusions and freezes.

Illyana (who is standing with her back to Roberto): "You know, selling the
gold was actually far more difficult than making it. All these annoying
questions about where I got it from!"

Doug: "Ahm, Illyana, do you think you’re ready to see Roberto again?"

Illyana (suspicious): "What do you want to suggest by that?"

Doug: "I’m just saying that he’s standing behind you and he doesn’t look
like a happy customer."

Illyana spins around, sees Roberto and freezes.

Doug: "Don’t tell me I have to do all the talking."

When none of the two ex-lovers speaks:

Doug (sighing, to himself): "Okay, I’ll do it. I could ask for a raise in my
salary for this. But then, 175% of zero is still zero."

(aloud): "Hello, Roberto. Nice to see you again. Can I offer you something
to drink – would you want a glass of water or rather a cup of water?
Or maybe you want a tour of the rest of the house?"

Doug grabs Roberto’s arm and pulls him out of the room, hoping that this
will cause Illyana to unfreeze and hopefully do something to protect him.

Roberto walks behind Doug in a trance.

In the middle of the stairs, he suddenly stops, shakes his paralysis and
asks:

Roberto (unbelieving): "You’re living with my ex-girlfriend now?"

Doug (terrified): "It’s not what it seems."

Roberto (not listening): "You’ve been living with Illyana for six months and
you’re still alive and mentally sane?"

(with respect): "You’re tougher than I thought."

***

Meanwhile, Rahne in search of Roberto enters Illyana’s bedroom.

Rahne: "Illyana! What a surprise. What are you doing here?"

Illyana (menacingly): "Don’t tell me you’re Roberto’s new girlfriend."

Rahne (shocked): "No!"

Illyana (relieved): "Good.
So tell me, what has he been doing in the past months?"

***

Doug finishes the tour with Roberto and leads him to the kitchen.

Doug: "And now you’ve seen all bedrooms of the house."

Roberto: "You’re sure Illyana decorated them?"

Doug: "Yes.
Will they make it very difficult to sell the house?"

Roberto: "Not in the least. Occult living is in. We could make this a hotel
and earn lots of money."

Illyana (from the kitchen): "Really?
You like my decorating?"

Roberto: "Yes. I didn’t know you had this talent.
What do you say: we forget our differences and become partners in business?"

Meanwhile, Doug has spotted Rahne who is making tea at the stove.

Doug: "I can’t believe it.
We still had tea?!"

Rahne: "I brought it. I’ve learned not to trust hotels when it comes to
vital things such as food or beds."

Doug (kneeling in front of her): "Rahne, will you please take me back?"

Rahne: "I’m afraid, but I’ve been to ‘Overcarers Anonymous’ and they told me
I have to leave you room for yourself to make your own mistakes."

Doug looks desperately up to her.

Rahne: "But I think there is a way we could make this work: What do you
think of an Internet based relationship? I’m not going to cook for you, I
won’t prevent you from destroying the walls with a drilling machine and I
won’t interfere when you’re about to leave the house in your pyjamas but we
can exchange e-mails and I’m going to comfort you when the lawn mower bites
you."

Doug (staring at the cup of tea in her hand): "Whatever you want."

Meanwhile, Roberto and Illyana have worked out a contract for their future
relationship.

Roberto: "Okay, I’m going to respect you and your sorcery, your demons and
their free-time activities from now on, and you promise to pay more
attention to my needs."

Illyana: "Deal."

Roberto: "Fine. So can I have a glass of fresh orange juice now, please?"

Illyana concentrates briefly and a pile of oranges and an orange squeezer
appear in front of Roberto.

Illyana: "Could you please make me a glass, too?"