From: Claudia Schlosser Hi all, I'm still writing, and if you don't already know it, my other NM works are archived at Luba's page ( http://home.att.net/~lubakmetyk/newmut.htm ) I hope you will have a problem-free New Year's Eve and a happy new year 2000. Disclaimer: The New Mutants are copyrighted by Marvel. I do not make any money off this and no copyright infringement is intended. Title: Shopping the Day before New Year's Eve is Hell Author: Hekatis Rating: PG (implied property damage and bickering among couples) Continuity: somewhere, somewhen in the Marvel Universe Characters: Rahne, Sam, Illyana, Roberto, Doug, Warlock, Dani Story type: NM parody Summary: The title says it all. Author's note: I didn't run fast enough when my mother asked who was going to help her with the shopping for New Year's Eve this year. Feedback: Sure. I like to hear if you liked it, and if you know of a less stressful way to get the shopping before a holiday done, please tell me about it, too. Please write to: hekatis@hotmail.com Shopping the Day before New Year's Eve is hell by Hekatis "I'm sorry Sam, but I really -- hatschi -- can't -- hatschi -- come with you. My cold has gotten worse, and I wouldn't be any help for you in the shopping." "That's okay, dear." "You really don't mind if I stay at home?" "Just get better. There's no reason why the six of us shouldn't be able do the shopping for New Year's Eve on our own." "Sam, where are you?" Doug shouted from outside. "We're falling behind schedule." "Sam, you think you could bring me something I need?" "Sure, what is it?" Rahne blushed. "Only if you don't mind. I've written it down for you." With those words, she handed him a piece of paper and kissed him goodbye. "Sam, you coming or should Illyana get you?" Doug shouted again. "This guy is taking his role as logistic supervisor of our shopping a bit too serious for my taste," Sam murmured to himself as he left the house and joined the others in the car. The drama could unfold. Scene 1 "Okay, I'm assigning your tasks to you now," Doug declared solemnly. "Roberto and Illyana, you stand in line for cheese and sausages; Dani, you hunt for diary products; Sam, you fight for the last fruit and vegetables; Warlock and me will get the bread and the pizza. Any questions? Okay, five, four, zero, go." Scene 2 "Okay, Illyana, you line up for cheese, I fetch the sausages," Roberto suggested upon seeing the two very long lines in front of the counter for meat and cheese. Illyana looked at him as though he had just told her he was going to spend his holidays without her. "So that's it?! As soon as we're in public you start beginning ashamed of me?!!" "Illyana, you're overreacting. This is just the strategically best way to procure the necessary food items with a minimum of time expenditure: by splitting up." "Stop belittling me as though the fact that you're studying economics and I'm studying demonology would make you a better person. You just don't want to be seen with me in front of people." "Illyana, that's NOT TRUE." Scene 3 Dani was checking off one item after the other as she placed it into her trolley. Cherry yogurt, peach yogurt, plain yogurt, pear yogurt.... Wait. Where was the pear yogurt? It couldn't be that the supermarket was out of pear yogurt. Somewhere in this aisle there had to be pear yogurt. The huntress in her awaked. She was going to find some pear yogurt if it was the last thing she did before this supermarket closed. Scene 4 Sam couldn't understand why everybody was in such a battle mood. Dani had even put on her war paint. His mother and sisters had never made such a fuss about getting food for the holidays. It couldn't be so difficult to buy a kilo of apples, oranges, bananas, tomatoes, lettuce, peppers, two kilos of broccoli and half a ton of potatoes. This was his last rational thought before he reached the fruit and vegetables aisle where everybody was fighting against everybody for the last bundle of carrots that looked younger than a century. Scene 5 Doug and Warlock had a very efficient division of labor: Warlock transformed into a ladder and Doug climbed onto it to get the last package of bread that was still lingering in the top shelves. "Hi, Doug," a former classmate greeted him. "Hi, Sylvia. How have you been doing?" "I'm getting married next week," Sylvia beamed. "See you later, Doug." "Hi, Ramsey. May I introduce my new girlfriend to you?" another former classmate said. "Melanie, this is Douglas Ramsey, the loser to stay away from I told you about." "Hi, Doug, could you please hand me a jar of jam from that shelve? I'm a bit too pregnant to climb onto ladders right now, and my husband has to work today," another former classmate asked him. "Is soul-self-friend Doug Ramsey depressed?" Warlock inquired, concerned. "You think I could be dejected just because everybody besides me is a happy couple?" Doug cried and fell off the ladder. Scene 6 Dani was hiding behind a stack of milk. She _knew_ that sooner or later, the pear yogurt was going to come out. She just needed to wait till the last beaker of strawberry yogurt had been sold, and then, when the pears had no more cover, she would set out for the kill. Scene 7 "You've never loved me." "Illyana, please calm down. Screaming at me in the middle of a supermarket isn't going to solve our problem." He ducked as a demon plummeted from the ceiling. "Starting inferno isn't either." Scene 8 Sam had conquered three green tomatoes, half an apple and a piece of lettuce, lice included. He looked around for the potatoes and spotted them at the other end of the room. A hand was just stretching out for the last sack. He saw only one possibility to reach his prize before this obnoxious competitor. Scene 9 "Just where are they? According to my schedule, they should have returned an hour ago," Doug mused, standing in front of their car. "Warlock, I appreciate your efforts, but please stop trying to transform into a female, I'm not going to fall in love with you." Scene 10 "Excuse me, miss, but I need to place a load of pear yogurt where you are standing..." a young shop assistant uttered as his last words before Dani knocked him out and began a dance of victory around her prey. Scene 11 Sam had gotten the potatoes. He only hoped the shop owner was sufficiently insured against property damage. He really hadn't thought his ability to manoeuvre was still that underdeveloped... He needed to practice more. But first he was going to buy what Rahne had asked him for. He looked at the list she had given to him. And froze. How was a guy supposed to know what exactly a girl wanted when she ordered down items like those? Scene 12 "But -- but I want to pay for that food", Illyana protested as a frightened shop assistant handed her yet another basket of food. "No, please, don't bother. You can have all the cheese and sausages you smoke-dried for free. And may I add, a happy new year to you and your demons. May I suggest that you shop at our rival chain, too?" Scene 13 Sam was staring at the wall of goods in front of him helplessly. Just what exactly did Rahne want him to buy? He saw another man stroll by who looked exactly like Roberto, except for the fact that Roberto would never wear a T-shirt in winter. "Excuse me, but do you think you could help me?" The man turned around. The front of his T-shirt read "My girlfriend is a demon and I'm proud of her." It was Roberto. "Berto, what happened? Aren't you cold?" "If I have to choose between two extreme temperatures, I take the lesser one," Roberto replied. "So how can I help you?" "Well, Rahne wanted me to buy ... that, and I've got no idea what exactly she wants." Roberto glanced at the list Sam was showing him. "Why don't you take something from each brand in each size?" he suggested. Scene 14 "So let me get this straight, guys," Rahne summed up their report when they had returned. "You did your shopping, got in a fight with the Hellions when they tried to jump the queue at the checkout, destroyed half of the supermarket, and we've got three stacks of pear yogurt, eleven baskets of smoked sausages and cheese, and how am I ever going to use up the truck of tampons Sam bought for me?!"