Disclaimer: I don't own the New Mutants nor anything that would make suing me worthwile. Title: Good Planning is essential for unexpected surprises Author: Hekatis Summary: The New Mutants plan the perfect picnic. But even the best of plans can have some loopholes. Type: NM parody Characters: Illyana, Roberto, Sam, Dani, Rahne, Amara, Warlock, Doug Rating: PG Feedback: Will be welcomed at hekatis@hotmail.com Author's note: This story was inspired by the joys of software engineering, teamwork and ardent Harry Potter fans. Good Planning is essential for unexpected surprises by Hekatis "Okay, let's summarize our meeting," Sam demands. "We're going to have a picnic by the lake on Saturday afternoon. We want to have cake, sandwiches, fruit juice, lemonade, fruit, vegetables, chicken and ham for food. Furthermore, we need to blankets to sit on, dishes for the food, a radio and a sunshade. We decided that we would like the weather to be sunny and that we had rather not have ants or other bugs ruin our fun. Any questions?" "Yes," Illyana remarks solemnly, "weren't our picnics more fun before we started planning them two months in advance?" "You know what happened when we tried," Roberto admonishes her. "The first time, we got attacked by an angry Martian because we were blocking the landing space for his UFO, the second time Doug was abducted by a seductive mermaid..." "No one said you had to come and rescue me," Doug complains vehemently. "The third time, we interrupted a film shooting and had to star as extras in 'Some Like a Hot Beach 37' and I'd really like to have a picnic that isn't full of unpleasant surprises for once." "You're just angry they didn't give you the main part," Illyana points out. "At least I didn't try to liven things up by conjuring some fire-breathing ants!" "I just thought the film should deserve its title. Besides..." Dani strolls into the room. "Don't tell me you guys are considering another picnic," Dani asks when she spots the straw baskets Rahne has brought for demonstration. An embarrassing silence settles in the room. "But I'm sure we told you," Sam finally manages. "Well, if I think about it," Illyana muses, "Dani, you weren't present at our first meeting." "Lack of information about it taking place would explain why self-friend Danielle Moonstar could not attend the second meeting," Warlock states. "Or the third," Illyana mutters dryly. "Oh. Well, have fun then." Dani turns and leaves the room. "Dani, wait." Sam comes after her. "Dani, we had a notice on the black board and we thought you'd read it." "You know I don't read the black board that often," Dani snaps. "Sorry, I really thought you knew. But you could still help us, I mean, there's plenty of work left to do." "Is there?" "Come on, Dani, there is no chance of this being a successful picnic if you don't help us," Sam insists. "Besides, there is a better chance of outvoting someone who could want to bring fire-breathing somethings to the picnic if you join us, Dani," Roberto adds. "I could try and find ice-spitting frogs if you don't like fire," Illyana assures him earnestly. "Besides, I'd really like to read my newest Harry Potter fanfic to all of you," Rahne proclaims. "It wouldn't be half as much fun without you, Dani." "Well, uhm, okay, I'm going to join you. But we really need better communication in our team." She stops in midsentence. "You know, I think this is a good occasion to remind you that we do have fridge conventions. And one of them is..." (She glares furiously at Doug.) "...not to have more than 80 items per shelf." "But I need fresh fruit and vegetables." "And about 100 different flavors of yogurt, curd cheese and butter milk," Illyana comments. "Well, if we're already discussing this," Sam suggests, "do you think you could observe the 'at least one free space between the cheese and the strawberry cake' rule more closely? I really like Rahne's cake but cheddar cheese on top of it somewhat dampens the experience." Rahne looks up from the fanfiction she is beta-reading. "Yes, of course, I will bake cheese cake for the picnic." Her eyes light up as she remembers something. "Here, I've brought you the first four Harry Potter novels," she announces to Sam, pointing to one of her baskets. "And what's in the other basket?" Roberto asks curiously. "Oh, just some good Harry Potter fanfiction that I've printed out – do you want to read it?" "Well, maybe I'll find time after I've taken over the 'Hot Beach' film production company, but thanks for the offer." Amara suddenly stands up. "Excuse me, I have to leave you. I am following a course on barbecuing." "Are you sure you shouldn't use a danger room simulation instead?" Dani asks, fulfilling her responsibility as a leader. "Why?" "Oh, never mind, I'll just come with you," Dani replies, grabbing a fire extinguisher. Meanwhile, Doug has sneaked off to save his buttermilk from Dani's fridge cleaning attempts. Warlock asks Rahne what Harry Potter is and she drags him off to show him. Sam, Roberto and Illyana remain in the room. Sam stares gloomily at the basket with four thick Harry Potter novels. "You all right, pal?" Roberto inquires. "Don't tell me you have read all of them." "Illyana read them. And she kept telling me what she didn't like about them, and since that was more or less the whole plot, I guess I know these books pretty well." In the meantime Illyana has summoned a basket of her own from which she starts assembling little Harry Potter figures. "I thought you hate Harry Potter," Sam asks perplexed. "Look twice," Illyana replies and taps one of the little wizard figures three times on the back. It instantly transforms into a green demon. "I've got 20 different colors for the demons," she states proudly. "She just wants to protest against the unrealistic portrayal of black magic and the lack of demons in the storyline," Roberto explains. "You know, why don't you just tell Rahne that you don't have time, space or inclination to read these works of fiction now but that you'll do it once you've retired?" Illyana suggests. "She's a very understanding person, so if you pledge to read the summary now and the book later and present her with a large box of chocolates, she might forgive you," Roberto advises Sam. Sam seems baffled. "I don't believe that the two of you are giving me advice on my relationship with Rahne," he finally utters. "Well, we don't have problems of our own at the moment, so I guess we're free to help you," Illyana explains. "I don't believe it," Sam repeats. He thinks for a moment, than, remembering Illyana's and Roberto's constant bickering about a certain TV series, he asks: "How did you like the Buffy season finale?" "It was admirable, Buffy finally kicking Glory's ass," Roberto states. "I especially liked the ending," Illyana professes with a sly grin. Sam seems nonplussed. He retreats from the room. Illyana stares after him. "Did we say something wrong?" "Well, maybe you should have offered him one of your Harry-Potter-demon figures." ---------------------------------------------------------- Later that evening, the New Mutants are discussing strategies for warding off ants. (Well, most of them. Illyana has given up pretending she is participating in the anti-ant-precautions and is dancing rock'n'roll. ) "Why don't we just fry them?" Amara asks. "Well, yes, that would add some protein to our meal," Dani comments. "What about environmental conservation and innocent bystanders?" Doug objects. "We could beat them down one after the other," Roberto suggests. Doug scribbles some calculations on a pad. "This algorithm is going to fail as soon as there are more than 3011 ants." "Is that a realistic number?" Dani inquires. "You know, maybe I could talk to the ants and send them away." "Oh, no!" Rahne cries. "I forgot my chocolate cake in the oven." She darts away to the kitchen. "What do you think – do ants prefer chocolate cake or strawberries," Roberto muses. "I do not know," Amara replies, "but in Nova Roma, we would give the rests of our meals to the jungle ants." "By the way, do you have chocolate in Nova Roma?" Roberto inquires. "I could eat tons of coconut-cherry-chocolate." "Do you think we could get back to the topic?" Dani demands. Doug pauses in explaining his complicated ant-avoidance-algorithm to Warlock. "Are we still talking about chocolate cakes?" Dani turns purple and leaves. ------ Sam is sitting on the verandah, brooding over some 20 maps in order to find the best ant-free picnic place. Dani is writing on a pad. "You know, sometimes I wonder why we're doing this at all," Sam sighs. "Why do we have to plan a picnic far away when we could just sit here in peace with nature and its ants?" He casts a longing glance at Roberto, Illyana and Amara who are playing monopoly for a crate of coconut-cherry-chocolate in the living room. "Sometimes preparing a picnic seems so useless to me." Dani glances up. "Did you say something? Sorry, I wasn't listening, I've been writing some new conversation conventions for us." ----------------------------------------------------------- The day of the picnic has finally arrived. Doug's perfect ant-avoidance algorithm has found the New Mutants a beautiful picnic place. As the New Mutants prepare the meal, Dani asks casually: "By the way, Doug, how did you find this place?" "Well," Doug explains smugly, "I modeled ants as objects with inherent state variables. Then I query their states and calculate their likely behavior for a given picnic place." "Did you test the algorithm?" Dani inquires. "Test it?! Why, when I know it is correct?" Illyana skims the algorithm Doug has scribbled on his pad. "IF (ant.isHungry()) protectFood(); ELSE ant.isUnusual(); IF(ant.isBlue()) ... "Ah, Doug, do you really think you can safely assume that ants know the difference between 'TRUE' and 'FALSE'? Especially given that they do not know the difference between 'my food' and 'not my food'?" "Especially given that there is an ant gnawing at your pad?" Roberto adds. "You didn't test it!?!" Dani screams hysterically. "Maybe the time has come to switch from ant-avoidance to 'detect and dispatch'," Sam suggests. No one listens to him. Roberto wrestles with Illyana in order to prevent her from conjuring some demons to fight the ants. Rahne protest vehemently against Amara frying the innocent creatures. Doug works frantically on restructuring his algorithm while Warlock is setting up a database to catalogue the ants. The noise attracts some anteaters. Sam tries to teach them how to suck the ants from the cake without destroying it, with mediocre success. When both the ants and the cake have been dispatched, the five anteaters cuddle up around Sam. "Ahm, Dani," Sam mutters from under a mass of fur, "do you think you could make them leave?" Dani concentrates and then shakes her head. "Nah, they like your voice and won't go away." "I'm no anteater cushion!" "They seem to be of a different opinion," Dani chuckles. "Why don't you read something to your new friends?" And at that moment a sixth ant-eater arrives with a basket full of Harry Potter novels.