Subject: [OTL]: NM parody: Lost in the woods (1/1) Date: Sat, 27 Nov 1999 23:32:38 CET From: "Claudia Schlosser" Disclaimer: The New Mutants belong to Marvel. I do not intend to infringe on their copyright nor do I make any money from this. Title: Lost in the woods Author: Hekatis Type: NM parody Characters: Dani, Rahne, Sam, Roberto, Illyana, Amara, Doug Continuity: not necessary for this story Rating: PG (contains some jokes that sensitive readers might find macaber) Summary: The fact that I haven’t seen "The Blair Witch Project" yet doesn’t mean that I cannot use its premise for a New Mutants parody. Authors note: The fact that I have been working four hours straight on a problem about Boolean algebra to no avail doesn’t mean I can’t still produce horrible fanfiction. Feedback: Always. Please write to hekatis@hotmail.com Lost in the woods by Hekatis (completed: November 27, 1999) "Anybody want a chewing gum?" "Don’t you think we should save it, Rahne? It’s our last." "Well, I wouldn’t worry about it if we had anything else to eat." "Do you think that it makes much of a difference, Sam?" "Did you acquire that cynicism in Limbo, Illyana, or is it a natural trait of your personality?" "Just shut up, Roberto. We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for your temper." "It’s not really his fault, Magik." "I certainly wasn’t the one who suggested that Xavier’s training methods are as up to date as his haircut." "You didn’t protest, either." "So I deserve to be stuck in a ridiculous Danger Room scenario with all of you for weeks?" "It’s been only days, Illyana." "You’re still able to keep track of the time that passes, Doug?" "Well, yeah, since Xavier isn’t really using power dampers on us but just told us that we’re not allowed to use our mutant abilities, I’m still able to keep track of the time." "That’s exactly what I meant. It’s ridiculous. Totally ridiculous. When are we ever going to be stuck in the woods without being able to use our abilities, without being able to get out? This happens only in bad movies." "Some of them sell quite well. Besides, we’re supposed to learn something from this, Illyana." "That it’s a bad thing to be stuck in the woods without being able to get out, which makes it a good thing that the likelihood of this ever happening is about 0,00000000001%?" "Actually, considering the convoluted paths our lives often take, the probability is about 3,785%." "Did you get the cynicism from Illyana, Doug, or is it a natural trait of your personality as well?" "You know, this wood confuses me to no end." "I’m sure you’re the only one, Amara." "That’s unfair, Illyana. It’s not Amara’s fault that Xavier forbade you to use your teleportation ability in this scenario." "Don’t you think that getting some order into our conversation would be a good first step toward finding our bearings?" Sam: "You’re right, Dani." Illyana: "That doesn’t mean that you can have the last chewing gum. Give it back, or I’ll ..." Roberto: "What? Conjure the demons of this forest?" Doug: "Don’t give Xavier ideas. I think the moving stone heaps and the swarms of angry bees are just enough to keep us happy." Illyana: "Which brings us back to the question: what are we supposed to learn from this scenario, apart from the fact that it is a bad thing to criticize your headmaster?" Rahne: "We learn to get along in a stressful situation." Sam: "It brings to light all the conflicts between us, so that we can solve them now instead of having them blow up in our face in a really dangerous situation." Dani: "You mean, the only way out of here is to convince Xavier that we have gone mad and start killing each other?" Illyana: "If you want to use my cynicism as well, you have to pay the same license fee as Doug did." Rahne: "Could we get going?" Roberto: "Why? We’re not getting anywhere." Dani: "It could give us some focus." Illyana: "On the fog?" Rahne: "Well, yes, and besides, that demon in the shadows over there is starting to look more and more unfriendly." Illyana: "We could ask it for directions." Sam: "That didn’t work with the dragon and the werewolf you asked." Rahne: "And those vampires in the motel didn’t want to help us either." Amara: "They did offer to let us spend the night." Illyana: "You’re right. Death _would_ have been a way out of here." Dani: "I’m beginning to believe that that is our only option." Roberto: "Besides going insane." Doug: "I never thought I’d say this, but I’m beginning to see serious disadvantages to a two-value logic." Amara: "We could also apologize to the professor." Illyana: "I’m going to ask that demon." Roberto: "She really is insane." Dani: "And she is still here. Which shows that only a one-value logic applies to this situation." Sam: "Do you really think that mathematics is going to solve our problem?" Dani: "Well, geography didn’t. We might give it a try." Rahne: "I wish I’d been allowed to bring my diary. I think writing down your problems gives you some distance." Amara: "I hate these woods." Roberto: "I’m sure you’re the only one." Doug: "Better finish that sarcasm period before Illyana comes back and charges you a license fee for it." Illyana: "I’m back." Rahne: "The demon didn’t eat you?" Illyana: "It said it was a vegetarian." Amara: "Did it say anything else?" Illyana: "It told me that my use of demonic grammar was incorrect." Roberto: "That makes this whole trip worthwhile." Illyana: "And it offered to show us the way out if we give it a chewing gum." Dani: "OOPS. Do you think it minds pre-chewed chewing gum?" Rahne: "Are wild boars plants?" Sam: "Why?" Rahne: "Well, either they are or this demon just lied to Illyana about being a vegetarian." Dani: "I think we should ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun." Doug: "We might as well let it eat us." Rahne: "Why?" Doug: "I just calculated that -- based on the average stress level that Boolean algebra puts on the average computer science student who tries to alleviate said stress by writing parodies -- this story is going to have 34 chapters." Sam: "You think we’re going to survive this?" Demon: "Depends on how fast you can run."