29. Cannon Fodder
Giles eyed the silent figure, his brow furrowed. "Do you have any idea what happened to her?"
"I dunno," Gunn sighed, shoving his hands in his pockets. "We had a little talk, I walked off, heard her screamin' and laughin'. Ran back fast as I could, just in time to see her punch herself in the face and go all... catatonic."
Giles considered this for a moment, then approached the bed. "Buffy? It's Giles. Can you hear me? Buffy?"
"Vindaloo..." Buffy sang softly, giggling to herself. "Vindaloo..."
"Guess she's hungry?" Gunn shrugged.
"We're gonna score... one... more... than... yoooou..."
"She's not... actually singing about food," Giles murmured, taking a step closer. "It's a... fight song. I suppose Dawn taught it to her..."
"Can I introduce you please? To a lump of cheddar cheese?" Buffy giggled, smashing her face into her pillow.
"Damn stupid fight song," Gunn chuckled.
"Yes, well, you should hear it performed... or perhaps the term is 'brutally massacred'... by Spike." Giles sat on the edge of the bed, brushing a lock of hair away from Buffy's face. "Buffy... er... did you, perhaps, hit your head on something?"
"Don't you remember?" Buffy laughed maniacally, her head twisting from side to side. "You taught it to me when I was dead."
Giles' hand froze in midair. "What... what did you say?"
"We're Eng-land!" Buffy bellowed before collapsing in another fit of hysterical giggles.
"Good lord," Giles whispered.
"Aww, damn," Gunn said, "You're cleanin' your glasses. Haven't been around you that long and I already know that's bad."
"Dawn?" Giles said hesitantly.
"Yeah?" Buffy replied... then began to convulse.
"Is it wrong that I don't know whether to be repulsed or motivated?" Oz asked, surveying the vampiric crowd with his hands in his pockets.
"You know, you are remarkably unflappable," Anya replied, looking at him curiously. "I think I really like that about you. Either that, or it annoys me. I'll get back to you."
"Grew up on the Hellmouth, turn into a killing machine once a month," Oz shrugged. "It gives you perspective."
"Yes, well, I was a vengeance demon for a thousand years. I've caused unthinkable amounts of carnage. And yet, I'm flappable. I'm flappin' all over the place, in fact."
"Well -- you died. That gives you perspective, too."
"Yeah... that sucked. And it looks like I'm gonna have to do it all over again." Anya curled her arms around herself, hopping a little from the cold.
Oz raised an eyebrow. "You think we're all gonna die?"
"Well, yeah! I'm not exactly laboring under any delusions here, dog boy. I don't think the Powers brought me back for my fine head for business and stunning good looks. Wake up and smell the cannon fodder -- we're it!"
"That's what they told you -- you were cannon fodder?"
"They didn't tell me squat! The last thing I remember was big ugly Bringers and Andrew squealing like a little bitch, and then poof -- I was in your van, which really stinks by the way. It's called Febreze -- look into it."
"That's theologically intriguing," Oz murmured.
"No, I'd say it was a combination of mildew, socks and old McDonald's wrappers."
"I sorta meant the lack of go-somewhereness."
"Oh. Well, I asked Spike. He said he didn't go anywhere either. Did the super melt and popped up nineteen days later in the office of Buffy's broody undead ex."
"And they didn't tell you anything? No instructions, no manual? I would have expected more freakage."
"Well, for a minute there I thought I'd gone to some special Heaven for Scooby Exes, but it smelled too bad and the Led Zeppelin indicated otherwise. What'd they tell you?"
"Well, I didn't know it was they. Devon came to me. Only I knew it wasn't really Devon, because of the multisyllabic words. Said Willow needed me."
"You do know she's a lesbian now? No orgasms there for you, buddy."
"I'm aware. Doesn't matter. Still love her. If she needs cannon fodder... I'm there."
Anya snorted loudly, and Oz shot her a curious glance. "What?"
"You... guys. What is with all of you and the celibate woman-worship? I'm starting to think that if I hadn't slept with Xander, he'd have followed me around trying to die for me."
Oz shrugged. "Worked for Buffy and Willow."
"So what, I put out so I get left at the altar? That's not very progressive. We sleep with you people, and you lose your souls and go on killing sprees and move to Tibet and go all hog-wild in the bathroom."
"I think you're oversimplifying."
"Well, I just thought if I was going to get reincarnated, it would be as something cooler. I did give my life for the sake of good, you know. But I'm back and I'm me and I have lame-o van-driving missions."
"Well, you're a demon again, right?"
"I haven't run myself through with a sword to test that theory, but yeah."
"And that pimp guy D'Hoffryn hasn't shown up, has he?"
"He was not a -- huh. That's not a bad analogy." Anya bit her lip, considering. "I think I feel demeaned."
"But he hasn't shown up to give you homework or anything."
Anya looked around nervously. "You realized you just totally jinxed me."
"Sounds like you're Demon, Unleashed."
"Well, maybe. If I knew what my powers were, or how to access them. Wish for something."
"I've been told that's dangerous."
"Wish for something stupid. Wish for gum."
"And this isn't going to cause some cinnamony apocalypse because a stick of Big Red disappeared from Siberia in the middle of a tense confrontation?"
"You know, I'm coming down on the side of annoying here."
Oz extended his hand, palm up. "I wish I had a pack of Juicy Fruit gum in this palm that caused no negative consequences by its appearance."
Anya made a face. Nothing happened.
"Maybe you need the necklace?" Oz suggested gently.
"That necklace was given to me by the pimp. Demon, Unleashed my ass. More like Demon, Useless and Unemployed."
"Well, aren't you still really strong and freakishly hard to kill?"
"Probably," Anya pouted.
"Then you'll make great cannon fodder."
Anya's oncoming glare snapped to the side as the noise of the vampiric crowd rose to a roar.
"What's going on now?"
Oz leaned against the wall, a ghost of a smile appearing on his lips. "Looks like Spike just got his army."
"You okay?" Cordelia asked, pulling the sheet up to cover them both. "Is this about the whole revamping thing? Or have you just brooded so much your face is stuck that way?"
"I just... I don't understand what the point was. It's like they're teasing me. You're human! You're not! You're human! You're not! I mean, what, do they just want to keep reminding me what the carrot tastes like so I'll keep running after it?"
"I don't think this Shanshu is gonna be gallons of fun for anyone."
"Can I just say how much I hate prophecies? Now I've gotta have a Sire binding to Spike of all people? I can see the smirk now. I'm haunted by the smirk."
"Well... you could let someone else get vamped," Cordelia said pleasantly. "Give up the whole Champion gig and sit in the wings while someone else stars in The Apocalypse Show."
At Angel's low growl, Cordelia continued innocently. "Not that you couldn't be useful. I'm sure there's something you could look up in books."
"Appealing to my inner Drama Queen?"
"Never failed me before..."
"I just don't understand. If it's a prophecy, we shouldn't have to work to fulfill it, right? It should just happen. So why the hell am I human now?"
Cordelia bit her lip and grinned, and Angel's eyes narrowed. "You know something. What do you know?"
"Well... when I gave my little Shanshu presentation, I may have altered a few details."
"Cordy," Angel groaned. "We need... what did you alter?"
"You know the whole... 'mystic child' thing?"
Angel sighed, putting his arm behind his head. "Yeah..."
"Well... that word? Child? Was actually... plural."
"Oh. Well, that's not... so..."
Angel's eyes bulged, and Cordelia began to laugh.
"Hey, Andrew..." Wood said, leaning against the doorframe. "You haven't seen Faith by any chance, have you?"
"The mysterious Dark Slayer has actually..."
"Y'know, Andy... I think she'd punch you a lot less if you'd quit calling her that."
"Faith and Xander went to go get Willow," Andrew finished with a slight pout, then warmed up to the topic. "Xander, newly attuned to his heretofore hidden Warlock powers..."
"Uh-huh." Wood stepped into the room. "What are you working on?"
"Mr. Giles gave me the Shanshu cycle to study. While my knowledge of demonic lore does not approach that of the muscular and dashing Gunn..."
Wood rolled his eyes, examining the scroll over Andrew's shoulder. "Find out anything good?"
"That would depend on your definition of good."
"Why don't you tell me your definition?"
"Well, I've come to accept the rather narrow definition of 'things that don't make Buffy bruise me'... and this doesn't qualify."
Wood frowned. "Is this about Spike?"
"Negative, my good man. This is in regards to what we're battling, specifically the head honcho of the united forces of evil. But nice guess with the ex-boyfriend. You're warm approaching broiling."
"Something to do with Angel?"
Andrew chuckled condescendingly. "Oh, Wood, dear Wood. So predictable in your biases vis-a-vis our undead champions. But I fear even I failed to appreciate this threat. We were all led astray by his charm, his connections, his encyclopedic knowledge of Farscape. Oh, they tried to warn me, those wise, beautiful vampyres. But did I listen? Oh no. Such are the perils of hubris."
Wood closed his eyes, took a calming breath. "Andrew... are you planning to make sense at any point in the near future?"
"Judging by these sacred texts... our nemesis is none other than..." Andrew took a deep breath... "The Immortal!"
Wood chuckled. "The Immortal."
"Indeed!"
"Buffy's little Italian boytoy."
"Underestimate him at your peril, Wood! It's like Clark Kent... if Superman were, y'know, evil, and wanted to end the world." Andrew perked up. "It's like Clark Kent when Superman got exposed to the tar... when Richard Pryor read the cigarette label and changed the Kryptonite! Evil Clark Kent. With no glasses."
"So we're... in an apocalyptic battle... against Superman III."
"I see my metaphor has failed to..."
Wood yawned. "I'm gonna go take a nap, Andrew. Wake me up when you figure
out how Penguin, Darth Vader and Khan fit into this, okay?"