Disclaimer: Didn't create the characters, but i treat most of them better than Joss...so don't complain...I'm not making any money out of this so please don't sue me.

Beta'd by AtheneHahn, with special thanks to Maryperk for her advice and help.

by Jackofspikes

Chapter 46

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Buffy breezed through the front door of 1631 Revello Drive. She was a girl on a mission. She wanted...no, she needed to know who she was. She had to find out if all the slayer crap she hadn't been told about was going to affect her more than it did at the moment. Would it stop her or hold her back from doing what she really wanted to do? Would it pull her away from Spike? Because that was so not with the happening.

She wanted a life and she needed to know how much of a life she was going to be given. Would it be worse or better? She wanted answers.

"I'm in the kitchen, Buffy," Penny's voice drifted to her, giving the Slayer a direction. As Buffy entered the room, Penny greeted her. "Morning. Have you eaten?"

"Oh! Um, er, no, not yet," she stumbled over the words, suddenly unsure of her place. She hadn't spent a lot of time with the psychologist; most of her time had been taken up with Spike stuff, so the simple courtesy the woman was showing her left Buffy feeling guilty. The more she thought about it, the guiltier she became. She hadn't given a thought to the fact that this poor woman had been taken from her home, her family, her friends, and had basically been dumped into a television show and then ignored by the leading character. How self absorbed was she? She should be looking after Penny, not the other way around. There was something just so wrong about that.

Before Buffy could do anything about the situation, Penny placed a large plate of bacon and eggs in front of her. With her first bite, Buffy was overwhelmingly pleased that Penny had cooked rather than her. But at least she remembered to tell Penny that! That was something...wasn't it?

*~*~*

"Okay, so how do I do this whole balance on the inside thing? Is it like meditation or something?" Buffy guilelessly asked the tiny psychologist.

Penny chuckled. She knew when she was being played. The Buffy innocent act had been well and truly busted as far as she was concerned. The girl had far more intellect than she let on. Penny suspected that Buffy's act made it easier for the blond to get out of research and given her role as a warrior, made her actions understandable. But she needed for Buffy to drop the act for a little while, because it was time for some hard truths.

"At this time and in this place, you have to be honest with yourself. Avoidance and denial are not options. You want to see who you really are? Fine, but don't try lying to me, because I'm telling you right now; I already know the truth. The problem is that I don't think you do."

Buffy's eyes widened in trepidation. "But I like Egypt," she said in the soft voice of a scared child.

"And that's why your life sucks," Penny retorted firmly. Keeping eye contact, she sat forward, her earnestness clear. "You could start enjoying your life straight away if you would just be honest with yourself. You say you hate being the Slayer, but when you lost your powers for the Cruciamentum, you were devastated, so clearly it's not having the power that's the problem. You like the powers and that's good; so please, enlighten me. Tell me why it is bad to admit that? Why do you act like you are ashamed of them?"

"I'm not ashamed of them and I do like having them and you're right; I don't want to be without them."

"You never once let Riley see how strong you were. You continually apologised for killing demons that he couldn't handle. If you weren't ashamed, why did you do that?" Penny pushed the envelope.

"I was trying to be sensitive to his feelings. It's not like it was his fault. I was trying not to rub it in his face," Buffy blustered indignantly.

"So are you telling me that Riley the Noble was dating you despite the fact that you are the Slayer? That you were the one at fault by being the Slayer?" Penny asked, incredulously.

"Well, it sounds bad when you say it like that," Buffy groused unhappily.

Penny sighed deeply. "Buffy, for once, face the truth. You dated Riley because your friends liked him. You stopped following your heart after Angel was sent to hell. You're afraid that you'll disappoint them and that if you do, they might leave you. You're so busy living your life for your friends that you're forgetting one major thing. Your friends love you for who you are, not who you pretend to be. By putting on this act, you're not giving them the opportunity to be friends to you and your whole relationship is based on a lie. Friends– true friends- love, play and fight together. It makes you all stronger. True friends forgive. True friends support. True friends respect the boundaries you put up. They don't judge unless you let them. They may not always agree, but if they are a true friend, they'll give you support, then if you're wrong, they'll help you pick up the pieces. By not allowing your friends to be true friends to you, you're not being a true friend to them. You will never find balance within while you are holding onto these fears. You need to ask yourself – do you trust them?"

"I love my friends," Buffy rushed to assure the psychologist.

"Honey, I know you love them, but do you trust them?"

*~*~*

Buffy walked the streets of Sunnydale, her mind stumbling over the sheer volume of things she had learned. There was so much she hadn't realised, so many stories that they hadn't shared. When had it started happening? When did they start lying to each other, denying the truth, avoiding reality? It just seemed so pointless to her now. All of it. But she loved them so much that she wasn't willing to give them up without a fight, even if it meant she had to drag them kicking and screaming out of Egypt. Hopefully they would thank her for it – eventually.

Thinking about it logically, which was not the usual Buffy way to think, she realised that if her friends could accept Spike as they had, then maybe the truth wouldn't wig them too badly. It's not like they could reject it, or change it. There wasn't anything to 'fix'. It was what it was, and what it was, was fact. Deal-with-it-'cause-it-ain't-changing fact. It certainly didn't change who she was. Well, except for the whole accepting who she was bit, that was a bit of a change, but it shouldn't be like some big change or anything. She was still the Slayer, but now she knew exactly what that meant.

Strong arms looped around her waist from behind, pulling her tight against a firm chest. Soft lips caressed her cheek as his concerned voice seduced her. "Where you at, Pet?"

Pivoting swiftly in his arms, Buffy's own arms snuck under his duster to settle comfortably around him. "Ooh look, a yummy vampire...wanna play?" she teased.

Lifting an eyebrow, Spike smiled in amusement. Apparently playful Buffy was running the show. "Well now, pet, are you talkin' rough an' tumble or slap an' tickle?"

"Um...you know that you're strange, right?" Buffy replied in mock seriousness. "I mean, I know that the first one means patrol type fighting, but the second one? Is that like some weird British way of saying yummy smoochies?"

Spike chuckled at the irony of Buffy saying that the British had strange colloquialisms. Leaning down, he gave her a lingering hello kiss. "Yeah, pet, you got it in one."

With a perky grin, Buffy preened in delight, she loved it when she guessed right.

"Yay me!" Tilting her head she thought about what she wanted to say. "Penny and I worked on my inner balance today. She say's that I still need to talk to the Guardian because there is some big decision I have to make, but that I've taken the balance thing-y as far as I can before that."

Easing out of his embrace, Buffy took her place at his side, grabbed his hand and started walking. She needed to give voice to all that had transpired with the psychologist, but she knew herself well enough to know that action girl needed to be walking as she talked.

"She made me look at my life without the convenient little lies. There was no place for avoid-y Buffy, and Egypt was totally off limits. She's really scary when she gets all in 'strict-doctor mode'." Buffy shuddered slightly in remembrance. "The thing is, when you take away all the baggage and just go with the basic facts, the truth is; I like being the Slayer. I get to do things that no one else in the world does. I don't have the same worries that normal girls my age have, but then I'm not normal, so why would I? And I'm actually okay with that. A normal girl may not have to go out every night and fight the forces of darkness, but honestly? For the most part, the nightly patrols have become fun, especially since you joined the team and that's a major bonus for not being normal. A normal girl wouldn't get you." She smiled at him shyly and watched as he brought their clasped hands up to his lips so that he could kiss her fingers.

"And yeah, I hate having to face apocalypses, but it's part and parcel of the whole slayer gig, and it's not like I have to face them alone. I have heaps of help, and from what Penny said; the help is only gonna get better. So, you know, it's all of the good."

Her smile dimmed slightly when she thought about her friends and the upcoming talk she was planning on having with them. "Of course the whole new-attitude for Buffy thing may cause some unnecessary wigging and loud cries for denial from Willow and Xander, but they love me, right? They'll accept the changes won't they?"

"What changes, pet?" Spike asked curiously. He had held himself firmly in check as she'd spoken. He was inwardly doing Xander's snoopy dance at the thought that his Slayer was finally accepting what he'd been trying to tell her for so long. She wasn't normal, she was extraordinary.

"Oh!" She looked at him, seemingly surprised that she hadn't told him the best bits yet. "New and improved slayer senses for a start. More control over my slayer side. The ability to call her up at will. Increase in powers and speed. Fangs. Just call me 'Buffy the Super Vampire Slayer'." She grinned happily, totally unaware that her companion had stopped walking until she felt the slight tug to her outstretched arm.

"Might want to back the train up a bit, pet. I think I missed my stop."

Innocent green eyes were beguilingly covered by fluttering eyelids as she pretended confusion at his statement. "Huh?"

"Wanna run those upgrades by me again, kitten?" Spike calmly asked, none of his inner turmoil showed. He must have misheard her.

"New and improved slayer senses?"

"After that, sweetling."

"Um...control of Slayer Buffy?"

"Buffy," Spike growled and then jumped when she growled back in response. "What...?"

"The ability to call her up at will," Buffy explained the growl with a smirk.

"You're killin' me here, pet," he groaned in mock frustration. He had a sudden suspicion that he wasn't as mistaken as he'd thought and that his girl was planning on making him work for the information he so desperately wanted.

"Oooh, I'm even faster and stronger now, so..." She grinned dropping his hand and stepping away from him. "How 'bout this? If you can catch me, you can have me."

He watched her take off in a blur of movement, momentarily stunned by her suggestion until her voice drifted back to him, wafting on the wind.

"Fangs and all."

*~*~*

Spike sped through the night, a predator on the hunt. Her scent teased him, her presence taunted. Once again he had just missed her. The dust of her kills still making its way to the ground, floating gently with no indication of the violence that had created it.

She had always been stronger, but he had always been faster. Until now. Spike knew with absolute certainty that if he were to catch the little firebrand, it would be because she let him.

He lifted his head and howled at the sky, his jubilation overwhelming. He loved this, his skin tingled with anticipation, he loved his life, er unlife, his home, his friends; he loved that they felt like family, that they made him feel like he belonged, like he was their equal, not beneath them. He loved their innate goodness, the way they listened to him like he mattered. He would do what ever it took to be worthy of the support and faith they had gifted him with. He would earn and deserve it. Or he would die trying.

Concentrating deeply, he let out his senses, searching for the indefinable alert that would indicate his lady. She was the one that he loved above all others; the reason, the question and the answer. She was everything, and with her by his side, he was invincible. There was nothing he couldn't do.

Pinpointing her position had become easier the longer he had known her. It seemed his little slayer had decided to take the game indoors.

Grinning in anticipation, Spike made his way home.