Avocation

Author: enigmaticblue <enigmaticblue@yahoo.com>

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine, but Joss said I could play. Really.

Archive: Anywhere that already has my stuff. Anywhere else, just ask.

Summary: The gypsies curse the wrong vampire, and by the time they rectify their mistake, Spike has been fundamentally altered. Nearly a century later, the Slayer needs help, and there's only one person qualified for the job. Of course, he's not real interested in taking it.

A/N: I have a secret (or not-so-secret) weakness for early canon Spuffy fics. The only problem is that Spike is evil. No, really, he is. Which means that actually writing Spuffy pre-chip requires more suspension of disbelief than I can manage. Reading it is a different matter altogether. So, this is how I write early canon Spuffy. By altering events entirely. By the way, the title comes from a Robert Frost poem, "Two Tramps in Mud Time." Pay special attention to the last stanza.

Chapter 29

"If thou must love me, let it be for nought/Except for love's sake only. Do not say/'I love her for her smile—her look—her way/Of speaking gently,—for a trick of thought/That falls in well with mind, and certes brought/A sense of pleasant ease on such a day'—/For these things in themselves, Beloved, may/Be changed, or change for thee,—and love so wrought/ May by unwrought so. Neither love me for/Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,—/A creature might forget to weep, who bore/Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!/ But love me for love's sake, that evermore/Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity." ~Elizabeth Barrett Browning, "Sonnet 14"

They were still waiting for Willow outside the school. She'd said she would be right along, but Spike was beginning to think about going back in after her. "So what were you doing at the Bronze tonight?" Buffy asked him.

Spike glanced over at her, suddenly feeling the need for a cigarette. "Went to see you," he replied, lighting up.

Buffy took his arm, tugging him away from Giles and Xander. "You were going to see me?"

"Yeah," Spike replied, wondering if that wasn't a good enough reason for him to be at the Bronze. "Look, I, uh, know we haven't gotten to spend much time together lately, but—" He took a deep, unnecessary breath. "You have to tell me what I'm doing wrong."

Buffy stared at him. "What are you talking about?"

"I've—I've never dated anybody before," he admitted in a low voice. "I don't know how this is supposed to work."

"I don't—" Buffy stopped, realizing what exactly Spike was saying. "Nobody?" When he shrugged, obviously unwilling to go into further detail, she sighed. "Okay. Well, then, I guess we start with the basics."

"And those are?"

"Do you like movies?"

Spike shrugged. "Yeah, sure."

"Dancing?"

"I guess."

"Being with me?"

"You know I do."

"Those are the basics," Buffy said. "Anything else, we make up as we go along."

Spike eyed her. "Then what was Willow doing at my place this morning telling me you weren't very happy?"

"Willow did that?" Buffy asked, frowning. "We talked the other day, and I admitted that I wasn't happy, but that was because I wasn't getting to spend enough time with you." She took a step closer to him. "The time we have spent together in the last few weeks is all dealing with emergencies, and now with the Mayor on the bad guy list, I don't think that's going to get better anytime soon."

Spike's hand found hers. "You know you're important to me, right?"

"I think I've been getting that vibe," Buffy replied. "Same goes here. The last few months—I don't know what—"

"Hey, guys?" Willow's voice cut off the rest of Buffy's words. "I think maybe the plan has changed."

~~~~~

Wesley knew it was late, but his apartment felt too empty to stay there. Besides, there was always more research to be done, more history on the Hellmouth to peruse.

The scream came just as he reached the library doors, and there was a part of him that wanted to run the other direction. He squashed that part fairly quickly, however, dropping his briefcase and running towards the screams, rather than away from them.

He didn't have a stake, but he did have a cross and a vial of holy water, and those would have to do. There was no time to retrieve any other weapons.

The scream came again, and Wesley realized that it was coming from inside one of the girl's restrooms. He barreled through the door, managing to get himself between the vampire and Cordelia, holding the cross up in what he hoped was a threatening manner. "Back, creature of the night!" The vampire gave him a dirty look, and he summoned up the last dregs of courage. "Leave this place!"

"Don't wanna," the vampire—who looked startlingly like Willow—replied.

Wesley fumbled in his jacket pocket for the holy water and shoved it at her. The vampire sighed and turned. "Fine. Whatever."

He heaved a huge sigh of relief when he realized that she really was leaving. The relief was short-lived, however. The hand on his shoulder had him shrieking and spinning around, ready to face the next threat.

Which was apparently Cordelia.

"I'm sorry," Cordelia said apologetically.

Wesley shook his head. "No, it's fine, really. Men in battle. On edge, all of that." He wasn't sure that was very convincing, and so he quickly changed the subject. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," Cordelia replied. "Thanks to you!"

It was the first time a woman had ever literally thrown her arms around him, but Wesley couldn't say that he minded. Her approval felt good. It was the first time somebody had been happy to have him around since he arrived in Sunnydale.

"Oh, uh, well, happy to be of service," Wesley managed to stutter out once Cordelia had pulled away. He frowned. "Was that—"

"Willow?" Cordelia finished for him. "Yeah. They must have gotten her." She looked him up and down, liking what she saw. She'd come to the school to try and find Wesley anyway. It looked like her night wasn't going to be completely pointless. "So, are you doing anything tonight?"

Wesley stared at her, wondering if perhaps he shouldn't be doing something about the vampire. Then, he realized that Buffy probably didn't want him interfering anyway. "No, I wasn't doing anything at all."

~~~~~

"You look good."

Willow glanced over at Spike, who had fallen into step next to her. They had parked a couple blocks away from the Bronze, not wanting the sound of the cars to give away their approach. "Don't lie." She tugged at the leather corset her evil double had been wearing.

"Wasn't lying," Spike said, smiling. "Won't say that look suits you, but you look good."

Willow was quiet for a moment. "Do you think Oz is okay?"

"Sure he is," Spike replied. "Boy's sharp, and not so big that he's going to present an easy target."

That got a smile out of Willow. "Yeah, I guess." She was surprised to feel a hand on her arm, and she turned to meet Spike's eyes. "What is it, Spike?"

"I'm glad you're alright," he finally said, unable to think of another way to say it. The idea that he would have had to stake Willow—well, it turned his stomach.

She smiled at him. "Me too."

They were outside the Bronze now, and Willow adjusted her top. "Okay, here we go."

"Play it safe, Will," Buffy told her. "If you get any idea at all that they've figured out what's going on, give the signal, and we'll be there."

"I promise I won't do anything that could be remotely interpreted as brave." Willow straightened her shoulders.

"What's the signal?" Xander asked.

"Me screaming," Willow replied, heading inside.

Giles and Xander headed around to the back of the Bronze, while Buffy and Spike stayed out front. The plan was for Willow to go in, impersonate her evil twin, and send as many vampires outside onto their waiting stakes as possible.

"I meant it, you know," Buffy said quietly, her eyes trained on the door.

Spike glanced over at her, keeping his voice just as low. "Meant what?"

"What I said earlier."

"I don't think you got to finish it."

"About not knowing what I'd do without you around," Buffy said softly. "I meant it."

"You'd have managed," Spike replied. "Maybe not all that well, but you'd have been okay."

Buffy watched as the door opened and a vampire came out, looking from left to right. Spike's hand shot out of the shadows and grabbed him, holding on tightly so Buffy could stake him. When the dust had settled, Buffy took up the conversation again. "Maybe, but I'm glad I didn't have to manage without you."

There was a long silence, and Spike said quietly. "I don't know how to do this, luv. Haven't felt like this in a very long time, and I'm not sure I like it."

Buffy thought she might understand what Spike was saying. It was hard to feel as though you had no idea what was coming next, or what your next move might be. With Angel, it hadn't really mattered. Rather, she hadn't given it much thought. Now Buffy knew that life had a tendency to throw curve balls at you, things you weren't prepared to deal with.

She understood, but she didn't know what to say. "I don't know what we're going to do any more than you do, Spike."

Spike's hand found hers and squeezed briefly. "Guess we probably ought to stick together then."

"I guess so."

They turned as one to face the next vampire that emerged from the building. It was always business before pleasure.

~~~~~

"What are we doing?"

The words were whispered into the darkness of a bedroom, and they held a note of anxiety that Giles didn't like to hear, even though he understood. He had no idea what they were doing himself. "I think we're enjoying one another's company."

Joyce blinked at the sudden light from the lamp he switched on. "Do you think we should tell Buffy?"

They had been meeting at least a few times every week, sometimes at Joyce's house, but more often at Giles'. One memorable tryst had been held in the back room of the gallery after hours. He made her feel young and irresponsible again. He made her feel like a woman, instead of just Buffy's mom.

She didn't want to give this up, but she wasn't sure she should try to hang onto it either.

"Do you want to tell Buffy?" Giles asked, suddenly terribly afraid that Joyce was going to break things off. They hadn't spoken of their feelings for one another. Giles knew that he was very fond of Joyce, and he thought she might care for him. On the other hand, he knew that Joyce took her role as Buffy's mother as seriously as he took his role as Watcher.

Joyce sighed. "Honestly? No, I don't, mostly because I'm afraid of what it'll do to your relationship with her."

Giles blinked. "What about your relationship?"

"I'm her mother, Rupert," Joyce reminded him. "We will always have a relationship. I imagine she'll get over my betrayal fairly quickly."

"Do you really think she'll see it as a betrayal?" Giles asked in surprise. He didn't think Buffy would be thrilled, exactly, but that was a rather harsh way of putting things.

Joyce just smiled. "It would be a reminder that you and I are people. That's never something a child is happy to discover."

He hadn't thought of it that way. "I suppose you're right. So what do you want to do?" Giles swallowed hard. "Do you—do you want to end this?"

"Are you kidding?" Joyce asked incredulously. "I've felt more alive these last few months than I have in years. I'm not giving it up. It might be selfish, but so be it."

Giles laughed softly in relief. "That's quite reassuring, since I feel much the same way."

"I really do care for you."

"I was just thinking the same thing myself," Giles responded, brushing a piece of hair out of her face. "So we're not going to tell Buffy?"

"I was thinking about waiting until she goes off to college," Joyce replied with a smile.

Giles returned it. "That sounds like a plan."

~~~~~

Oz had been completely unwilling to leave her side, although Willow really didn't mind. Her parents were out of town, so it wasn't like she had to worry about getting caught with a boy in her room.

She lay with her head on his chest, listening to the slow, steady thumping of his heart. She'd been so glad to see him in the Bronze, knowing that he was in one piece and safe. Willow wondered if his heart had threatened to burst out of his chest as hers had, wondering when the vampires would catch on that she wasn't who she said she was.

"You were really brave tonight."

His words echoed strangely through his chest and in her head. "Not really."

"Trust me on this."

"Okay." Willow would trust Oz with anything. "I was really scared knowing you were in there."

"I don't know what I would have done if that had really been you."

Willow clutched him tightly. "Do you really think I have that in me, Oz?"

"Have what in you?" he asked, not quite understanding.

"Being—that." Willow didn't know how to put it. "You know, being evil."

"You?" he asked. Oz actually looked incredulous. "Are you kidding me?"

Willow made a face. "It's just—she was me."

Oz was silent for a minute. "Willow, that wasn't you. I don't know anyone less evil."

"Thanks." Willow put her head back down, listening to the steady beat of Oz's heart. "Thanks for staying tonight."

"Wouldn't have it any other way."

~~~~~

Buffy watched as Spike shot up from his kitchen table. Giles had insisted on meeting them both here, away from the library and any prying eyes or ears. It was yet another evening where they were supposed to be out together, trying to get a handle on this dating thing, and now this.

"I won't," Spike said flatly.

Giles frowned. "Spike, I realize that this is difficult for you, but—"

"I told you that I bloody well won't do it!" Spike was nearly shouting, and Buffy didn't think she'd ever seen him this worked up. "We'll find another way to get the information."

"Giles, if Faith tries to take Spike's soul, we'll know she's working for the Mayor," Buffy pointed out, wanting to give the vampire a chance to calm down. "Like he says, we can find another way to get the rest of it."

Giles stood. "This might be our best chance," he argued. Turning to the vampire, he said, "I'm sure you've done things like this in the past. I don't see why—"

"Because I'm not doing it," Spike said roughly. "You asked, and I'm answering. No."

"Giles," Buffy said, shaking her head when it looked like her Watcher was going to try and argue some more. "Maybe you should go."

Giles didn't want to leave, not before he had Spike's agreement, but he also knew that there was no way that they could force Spike to do something like this against his will. He had to be willing, or there was nothing they could do.

"Fine. I'll see you both tomorrow sometime." He walked out, the front door closing behind him just loudly enough to make his displeasure obvious.

Buffy was silent, watching Spike as he paced around the small space. "What's going on, Spike?"

"Nothing."

It was almost a growl, and Buffy knew that he was on edge and angry. She stood, and Spike stopped pacing. "Look, I—"

"You should go," he said. "I'm not going to be good company tonight, Buffy. We'll try this again some other time."

"No."

It was a single word, and it rocked Spike back on his heels. "What?"

"No. I'm not leaving. I came over here to spend time with you, and that's what I'm going to do. If it means watching you pace, then I'll watch you pace."

Spike glared at her. "Buffy—"

"Tell me why you just about took Giles' head off for suggesting you play-act losing your soul with Faith," Buffy said. "Tell me that, and I'll go home, if that's what you really want."

Spike shook his head. "No, Buffy, I—"

Buffy moved closer, touching his cheek with her hand. "Please, Spike. What's wrong?"

"I can't." His eyes begged her to understand. "I just can't. Do you know how long I worked to be sure I wouldn't release that monster again? I wouldn't even know how to act, not without—"

He broke off, and Buffy suddenly got it. Spike didn't know how to pretend to be the monster without losing everything he'd worked for, without losing himself.

"Okay," Buffy said quietly. "Was that really so hard?"

Spike pulled back, busying himself with the tea kettle. "You aren't angry?"

"Why would I be?"

"You wanted me to do this," he replied. "And I couldn't."

Buffy sighed. "There might come a time when you ask me to do something, and I won't be able to," she pointed out. "It's hardly fair for me to hold that against you."

Spike stilled. "I never wanted you to have to see that side of me, luv."

"You think I haven't?" Buffy asked quietly. "I'm not stupid, Spike. I know that you killed those guys that were hunting Faith and me. I know that there have probably been others you've killed because of the demon."

"Because of the man," Spike disagreed. "I knew what I was doing, Buffy. I made a choice, and—"

"You killed them." Buffy raised her eyebrows. "I also know that you'd do it again in a heartbeat if you thought I was in danger."

"Sooner, actually," Spike replied.

"So I've seen it," Buffy continued. "But if you don't want to do this, then you don't want to do this. I get that."

He laughed. "Didn't think you would take it this well."

Buffy was quiet. "I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, Spike. I kept thinking that maybe, once this year was over, I could get out of Sunnydale, go to college, do a normal life."

"You could," Spike said. "You—"

"I'm the Slayer," Buffy interrupted him. "There's always going to be something. A new apocalypse, a new bad guy. The only thing that makes staying here truly bearable is the idea that you might be around."

"You know I will be."

"Even after the big end of the world thing?"

"Like you said, luv, there's always something," Spike pointed out.

She smiled at him. "So I figured that I had to be okay with you being who you are, or I had to decide that I wasn't."

Spike stared at her. "What did you decide?"

"Duh," Buffy said. "That I wanted you around." She moved to stand close to him again, her hand coming to rest where his heart would have been beating. "We've both got a job to do, but that doesn't mean we aren't human. Or people." Buffy made a face. "You know what I mean."

"Think I do."

"It doesn't mean that there are things that we won't want to do, but we have to do. And sometimes there'll be things that we don't want to do, and then we'll figure out a way around it." Her eyes held a challenge. "We're both really good at that."

"Yes, we are." Spike looked like he wanted to say something, but changed his mind, bending his head to kiss her. It soon grew more heated than any of their past embraces. "Buffy..."

She shook her head. "Don't. I just want to be close to you."

"You should get home. Your mom—"

"Won't notice," Buffy replied. "I told her I'd be out late and not to wait up. If she gets worried, she can call me here."

"And then come after me," Spike said wryly. "You sure about this?"

"I'm sure." She pulled his head down again. "Really, really sure."

After all, Spike was the guy she was in love with.