Rated: PG-13
Summary: Spike leaves after "Dead Things," wanting nothing more than to get Buffy out of his head. Wesley's still an independent contractor after the events of "Loyalty." And the Slayer's still living in the land of denial.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters featured
below except for Nika. She's all mine. And I'm not making any money off
of her either, so please don't sue.
Chapter 17: December 2005
The festivities had begun to gain steam in Nika's house. Over the past three years, from the first gloomy Christmas, to the most recent, the holidays had become a rather special time. With no visions to interrupt them, Wesley and Spike could more or less control the kinds of jobs they took. This year, Dawn and Connor were spending as much time at Nika's house as they were at the Hyperion, which meant things were a little more crowded than usual.
Unlike that first Christmas with just Spike and Nika, both missing loved ones fiercely, there was a large tree in the living room, being decorated with lights and tinsel. Dawn was giggling at Connor, as she'd strewn his hair with the silvery filaments, and he was pretending to be annoyed as he tried to pull it out. Wesley and Spike were trying to maintain a manly distance, although the ex-Watcher frequently stole kisses from their hostess, managing to maneuver her under the mistletoe as often as possible.
Moments like these, Spike recognized the utter hominess of Nika's little place. Each person who was present belonged there in some indefinable sense, whether they'd been present for months or years. It was Nika's gift, to make people feel welcomed and valued.
He only wished he didn't feel like such a fifth wheel.
The doorbell rang just then, and Spike pushed himself up off the couch. "I'll get it," he said. No one else responded, too caught up in their respective partners. He sighed. "Right. The soulless vampire might as well not be here," he mumbled.
When he opened the door, Buffy was standing there, looking nervous. "Hey, Spike."
"H'lo," he replied. Spike had talked to Buffy a few times on the phone in the past few weeks, but they had largely backed off. Their argument had scared both of them to a certain extent; neither one wanted to go back to what their relationship had been in the past.
Oddly enough, it had been that night that had touched off the fires of longing in both of them, just as it had been that night that sealed their lips even more completely.
The vampire realized they had been standing there for several beats, and he hastily stepped back from the doorway. "Sorry. Come in," he invited.
Buffy stepped inside, grateful that while Spike looked surprised to see her, he wasn't displeased. "Is Dawn here? I stopped by the dorm, but her roommate said she might—"
"Buffy!" Dawn came skidding out of the living room to give her sister a hug. "It's about time! Come see the tree!" Breathless with delight, Dawn started dragging Buffy into the living room, with Spike ambling behind them.
Whatever their positions had been before the doorbell rang, Wesley and Nika were now sitting decorously on the couch, their entwined hands the only sign of public displays of affection. Connor was sprawled on the floor, having removed the tinsel from his hair and gotten it back on the tree. Dawn, who was almost hyper with the thoughts of the holidays and three weeks off school, made the re-introductions at a furious pace, and pointed out exactly what she had done to help.
"It's great, Dawn," Buffy said sincerely. She hadn't seen her younger sister this excited about Christmas since before their mother had died. Buffy couldn't help but catch a little of that spirit herself. She turned to look at Spike, and caught him looking at something above her head.
Mistletoe.
She glanced over at Dawn, who was looking very pleased with herself, and the two adults on the couch were looking amused. No help there. Buffy looked back at Spike and waited.
He moved slowly, the limp hardly noticeable tonight. Buffy couldn't help but notice both the longing and the wariness in his face. Communicating only with their eyes, Spike leaned down and kissed her.
It wasn't an earth-shattering kiss. In fact, if it had been anybody but Spike, Buffy would have written it off altogether. Except that it was Spike, and the last kiss they had shared had been anything but sweet and soft, and this was all of that. Besides, it was Spike.
The kiss lasted a mere breath, and Spike pulled back to look at Buffy expectantly. He half expected disgust, resignation, annoyance, but found nothing of the sort. Instead, the Slayer looked almost—euphoric. As though they'd had the kiss to end all kisses, and he knew that wasn't true. Personally, his favorite was the one right after Sweet had left. Not only a great kiss, but he had believed at the time that it had changed things between them. Her kissing him was supposed to mean that she had feelings for him.
She'd disabused him of that notion pretty rapidly.
Now, when Buffy looked up at him, he might as well have been the only person in the room, and she reached up and brushed a stray curl off his forehead. The moment might have stretched out into eternity, until Dawn cleared her throat. "That was disappointing," she commented acerbically. "You couldn't have done a more thorough job, Spike? That was a wimpy kiss."
"Dawn!" Buffy admonished, shooting a quelling look at her sister.
Spike was right behind her, in both meanings of the phrase. "Bit, you're treadin' on thin ice." He frowned at her menacingly. Somehow Dawn had gotten it into her head that all he and Buffy needed was a push in the right direction, and they'd end up living happily ever after. Spike knew better.
"Let's go out," Nika said, realizing rapidly that her house wasn't built to hold six people, especially when there was attempted match-making going on.
Wesley and Spike's eyes met. "Shall we go to Caritas?" Wesley asked mildly.
Spike raised an eyebrow. They hadn't gotten a chance to talk about what had happened with Angel, but it seemed as though Wesley was in no great hurry to get back in the fold. The other man had exorcised the fear of meeting Angel though, since he didn't seem intimidated by the thought of running into the vampire. "Yeah, why not?"
Dawn grinned. "Great! It's good Buffy's here, because now everybody has a partner."
Spike and Buffy looked at each other uncomfortably. "We're just friends, Dawnie," Buffy reminded her sister, and herself. She thought she'd played that card convincingly. She didn't see the others' knowing looks when Spike put his hand on her back as they walked out the front door, especially when she didn't bother trying to remove it.
~~~~~
Caritas was as busy as it normally was on a Thursday night. Most of those present probably didn't have a clue that Christmas was coming up, since it tended to be a human holiday. Both Buffy and Spike were feeling slightly out of place, since Dawn and Connor had their arms wrapped around one another, and Wesley and Nika were holding hands. Buffy didn't think she'd mind making contact with the vampire—not after that kiss, certainly—but he had both hands shoved in his pockets, and his shoulders were slightly hunched. The line between his brows told her he was thinking pretty hard about something, and she had to wonder if it was her or something else entirely.
Buffy wasn't quite as self-involved as she'd been to believe he would be thinking of her all the time.
There had been a time when "self-involved" would have defined her, however, and she knew that it wasn't that long ago, either. Besides having rather badly neglected Dawn, she had completely disregarded Spike's feelings. She had come back from the dead and had used his unswerving loyalty to make herself feel better. The song he'd sung under Sweet's influence had reminded her that he had feelings as well, and that had pissed her off. He'd called himself her willing slave, and that was what she wanted. She didn't want to be reminded that he loved her, that being so close to her and knowing what she was doing would hurt him.
Maybe, in the end, she'd wanted someone else to hurt as badly as she did, and her friends were off limits. Maybe she'd just been too absorbed in her own pain to care about anyone else's. Maybe the fact that he was supposed to be an evil vampire had made it okay to use him.
In the end, she'd chased him away, and now his world no longer revolved around her. Instead, he, Wesley and Nika had found their own orbits around each other, a complicated dance where no one was the center. The amazing thing was that their world seemed to expand easily to include the others who came into contact with their group.
Buffy wondered if it was big enough to include her as well. She wondered if she and Spike could rebuild the shattered remains of their relationship into something they could both live with.
Lorne swept up to them as soon as he caught sight of the group looking for a table. "Nika, my little lark, tell me you're singing tonight."
Nika smiled at him apologetically. "Sorry, Lorne."
He put a friendly hand on her arm and drew her slightly to the side. "Please, you have to help me out here. You don't know what I've had to put up with. People have been singing the worst of the 90's and murdering Barbara Streisand for the past two weeks. If I don't hear something resembling music soon, I'm going to go nuts."
Nika looked at the green-skinned Host and smiled. "You know I don't sing karaoke."
"I have a guitar in back all tuned up with your name on it." Lorne was close to begging at this point.
"The same arrangement?"
Lorne looked over the group and looked skeptical. "You have a few more in your party than usual, sweetheart."
"Only three of us can drink alcohol," Nika pointed out reasonably. "And Spike sings one song."
"Wait just a bleedin' minute," Spike protested, pushing himself up to where Nika and Lorne were standing. "'m not singin'."
Nika and Lorne ignored him. "If you can get Sweetcheeks to sing, you're on," Lorne replied. "But I want at least one from you."
"You'll get two," she replied equably. "I'm in the mood tonight."
Lorne gave her a piercing look, and then a beatific smile broke out over his green face. "Good for you, sweetie. You deserve a little happiness. Soon as you're ready, you just let me know and I'll clear the stage."
Lorne swept off, and Spike turned Nika to face him. "'m not singin'."
"We have an arrangement," Nika coaxed. "We sing, we drink free tonight."
"I have the dosh to pay for our drinks," Spike said stubbornly. "An' I don't sing karaoke."
Nika shrugged. "You won't be singing karaoke. I play, you sing."
Wesley threw himself into the fray. "Angel sang."
"'m not Peaches," Spike replied rather stiffly.
"Badly," Wesley added, seeming not to notice Spike's response.
Dawn took her turn. "Oh, come on, Spike. It's not like you don't have a good voice."
Spike looked at the faces surrounding him, shrugging in defeat. Truth be told, he knew he'd probably have to sing at some point, but he'd wanted to put it off as long as possible. "I don't have a bloody destiny or a soul," he finally grumbled. "An' I don't soddin' care if 'm on the right path or not, so Mr. Green Jeans can just keep his bloody readin' to himself. Plus, it wouldn't hurt if someone could mention how good I sound to Peaches."
Dawn grinned. "I think I could arrange to let something drop the next time I see Angel."
Spike heaved a long-suffering sigh. "Fine. So what are we singin', Nika-luv?"
As Spike and Nika headed off towards Lorne and the stage, the others went to get a table. Buffy found herself in the unusual position of being alone with Wesley, since Connor and Dawn had moved off towards a smaller table nearby for some alone-time. "So, uh, how have you been?" she asked awkwardly.
"Quite well, actually," he replied, a touch of surprise in his voice, as though he couldn't quite believe it himself. "And yourself?"
"Good," Buffy said, feeling a bit surprised herself. "I've been good."
There was a pause that wasn't altogether comfortable. "I hear from Spike that you two make quite a team," Buffy offered. "Sounds like we've both come a long way."
"Indeed," Wesley replied, his lips twisting up into a pained smile. "I hope you can forgive me for being an insufferable twit."
Buffy grinned at him. "If you can forgive me for being impatient and pretty rude at times."
"I think I could manage that."
~~~~~
"So what are we doin'?" Spike asked, resigned to singing in front of a crowd and hoping that Nika would be able to play something he knew that wasn't so much shite.
"'When A Man Loves a Woman?'" Nika suggested slyly. At Spike's horrified look, she modified her response. "Just kidding, cariad. What about 'Behind Blue Eyes?'"
Spike gave her a disgruntled look. "Very funny."
She shrugged. "I know it, and I figured you did too. I know you listen to the Who."
He grunted and finally shrugged. "Fine. Let's get this over with."
Lorne had already brought out the guitar, and Nika ran her fingers over the strings, checking to make sure it was tuned. "This is a nice instrument," she commented.
Spike raised an eyebrow. "When did you learn how to play, luv? Didn't know you could."
"Girl's got to have some secrets," Nika replied. "You ready?"
"Yeah." Spike followed her up on stage, feeling oddly nervous. He didn't like baring his soul for anyone—metaphorically speaking, anyway. Spike didn't mind singing in the car with the radio cranked up when he had the DeSoto. He didn't mind singing in the shower, or to his CD's when he plugged something hard and heavy in. Sweet's spell and Lorne's unique talent, however, ensured that he would be literally singing his heart out. Look how well that had ended the last time.
At least he'd be singing an old classic this time, rather than the truth—and he could tell the Host to get stuffed if he tried pulling any of that destiny crap on him. "I'll follow your lead," she said softly, striking the beginning chords. Spike took a deep breath and reminded himself that he could get drunk for free after this if he cared to. That had to be worth something.
Across the room, from his place on stage, he caught Buffy's eye, and started to sing.
~~~~~
Spike's voice floated across the room, the flavor of it dark and smoky, and Buffy smiled as she recognized the tune. It was perfectly appropriate, really.
"No one knows what it's like
No one knows what it's like,
But my dreams they aren't as empty,
"He does have a good voice," Wesley commented. "Had you heard him before?"
Buffy nodded. The sight of Spike on stage, beginning to lose himself in the music, his rough voice—sent a bolt of desire straight below the belt. It was getting ridiculous, how much she wanted him. What made it more ridiculous were the "don't touch" vibes that were zinging back and forth between the two of them. Spike had made it pretty obvious that he wasn't ready for anything but friendship.
Buffy forced herself to look away and answer Wesley's question. "There was this demon that Xander summoned. It cast a spell, made you sing all your deepest thoughts and feelings. Kinda creepy."
Wesley shuddered, not liking the idea of being forced to sing, much less forced to sing of his feelings. Right now it might not be so bad, but it wasn't that long ago and he would have been singing a dirge. "That doesn't sound—pleasant."
"It wasn't," Buffy replied briefly, and then added thoughtfully. "Spike saved my life."
"He has a habit of doing that," Wesley agreed.
Buffy caught her bottom lip between her teeth. "Can I ask you a question?"
Wesley looked at her with some surprise, the second verse of the song floating in the background. The crowd was mostly quiet at this point, listening to Spike's singing and the melancholy chords of Nika's guitar. "Of course, though I won't promise to answer."
"How come you and Spike are such good friends? Last I knew, you were pretty suspicious of Angel," she said. "And—Spike doesn't have a soul, or the chip anymore."
Wesley gave her a knowing look. "You're wondering why I can accept him when your friends find it so difficult." He considered the question. "Part of it is that I had worked with Angel for a while and had at least accepted that certain vampires could change." Wesley shrugged. "Perhaps it also has something to do with the fact that when I first met him, Spike was living with Nika and was obviously doing nothing that could be considered evil. Your friends had a different first impression, I believe."
Buffy nodded wryly. "Yeah, something like that. But he changed. He stayed with Dawn the summer I was—away." She looked into Wesley's blue eyes, not having a clue why she was confessing her thoughts to him rather than one of her friends. Maybe it was because he still wore the mantle of Watcher in her mind, and now he had the experience and the weary look to go along with it. "I'm just wondering why you can accept the changes he's made and my friends can't."
"And what you're going to do when they return and demand your loyalty to them over Spike?" Wesley asked quietly. Despite his disastrous sojourn in Sunnydale, he had a decent handle on the group dynamics of Buffy and her Scoobies. It was true that those on the outside had a clearer picture of such things than those in the know.
Wesley finally shook his head. "Only you know the answer to that question, Buffy. I will tell you this, however. Spike has made changes that should have been impossible, but they are real. He might be a vampire, but he has a better grasp on the meaning of loyalty and love than most humans I know. I have been honored to be his friend." He turned his piercing gaze to her. "I believe you have a chance to make things right between the two of you, or to break the connection completely. I hope for his sake that you choose the first."
Buffy swallowed. "It's not just Spike I'm afraid of hurting, Wesley," she admitted. "It's me."
"The Slayer is asked to sacrifice everything for her calling," Wesley replied. "But there comes a time, as I have learned, when your own salvation becomes most important. If you fall into the darkness, how can you save anyone else?" He smiled gently. "And it's not just yourself you must think about, as I understand it. You must do what's best for your child, as well."
Buffy blushed slightly. "I asked Spike to look after my baby if something happens to me. You and Nika being there was at least part of my decision."
Wesley got a pleased expression on his face that held no little pain. "You know about—"
"Connor?" Buffy asked. "I got the full story. Willow tried to end the world though, and we forgave her. I tried to kill my friends. Xander's pulled more than a couple of stupid stunts. Let's not even mention Angel." She smiled at him. "I've heard a lot more from Dawn about what a stand-up guy you are, and that's good enough for me."
The song ended in the background, and Spike jumped off the stage to the applause of those around him. He strode over to their table, a swagger in his step. "Not bad, eh, mate?" he asked Wesley. "When are you goin' to get up there?"
"The day after never," Wesley replied firmly. "I've sung, and I don't intend to do so again. Besides, Lorne wanted to hear someone who could actually carry a tune. I don't qualify."
Spike shrugged, in rare good humor after his performance and the applause. "Suit yourself. What 'bout you, Slayer?"
Buffy shook her head. "Nope. No way. I'd have to be way too drunk to get up there, and that can't happen for another six months or so. In fact, let me just say now that it's not ever gonna happen."
Nika was up on stage re-tuning the guitar. One of the waiters adjusted the microphone so it was at her level where she sat on the stool. "A little tavern song for you," she said, a sly grin on her face. At the first chords, Spike and Wesley's eyes widened, and Lorne's jaw dropped. He'd come over to sit next to Wesley, and he blurted out, "She's going to sing that song? Nika's never done that before."
"Done what?" Buffy asked, perplexed. "What's she singing?"
"A bawdy song," Spike explained as she started singing. It only took one verse for Buffy to realize exactly what had the guys so shocked. The Slayer started looking around for Dawn, because she wasn't sure her little sister should be listening.
Not that the lyrics were terribly explicit, but the song was full of all sorts of sexual innuendo. By the second stanza, Wesley was a deep shade of red, though he had a rather pleased grin on his face. In case anyone had any doubt as to who Nika was singing about, she looked up and sent a saucy wink in his direction. Spike's grin just kept growing, and even Lorne was laughing in places.
The song was about a young woman extolling her lover's virtues, much as a man might. But what she appreciated had very little to do about the color of his eyes or hair. And it was enthusiastic indeed, which explained both Wesley's blush and his pleased grin.
By the end of the song, Nika had the whole place cracking up, and there were a number of folks, demon and human, calling for an encore when she finished. She smiled enigmatically, not bothering to let anyone know that she'd already promised Lorne one more. "I suppose I can do another, as long as I'm not hogging the stage." There were whistles and cries that she could go on hogging the stage all night if she liked.
Next to Wesley, Lorne smiled. "I haven't seen her this happy in years. I've got to hand it to you, Wes, you've been better than chocolate for that girl."
Wesley's tone was tender as he replied, "No better than she's been for me."
Lorne patted him on the shoulder. "I don't think you get it, Cupcake. Even when she was in here with her husband, those last couple months were no picnic for either one of them. Nika wanted a baby, and Danny couldn't give one to her, so she got down and he started staying away. It's probably one of the reasons he was killed."
"Did you—" Wesley began.
Lorne shook his head. "They had stopped singing long before I could let them know they were on the wrong path, my friend. What I can tell you is that you both deserve a happy ending. Keep up what you're doing, and you might just be one of the few who gets one."
Up on the stage, Nika was feeling out her fingerings for the next song. "One more then," she agreed. "This one is for the two people who taught me what it meant to live again. And for the man who made me want to sing."
The audience grew quiet as the faintly melancholy chords started up. The words and melody were reminiscent of a folksong, and Buffy could feel Spike go still beside her as Nika's clear voice rang out. She didn't blame him for being entranced; she felt the magic too.
"I thought I'd go up Poughkeepsie,
"There are those who know sorrow
"Then the skies, they fell open,
So I go up Poughkeepsie
Buffy was trying to hold back tears at the end of the song. How many times had she wanted to end it all? She'd resented coming back from the dead, but she'd been offered another chance. Maybe it was an opportunity she hadn't wanted, but it was one she'd learned to accept. Now she had another opportunity with Spike—he was part of her "world of hope," and she was suddenly ready to fight the whole damn world to keep it.
Her hand sought his under the table, and when she grasped it, Spike looked over at her in surprise. With a feeling of awe, he read the emotions in her eyes, and he reached over to wipe a stray tear off her cheek. "No more drowning, Buffy?"
"No," she whispered. "Not anymore. Not with you there."
Spike suddenly smiled brightly. "Never thought I'd be glad to be called an angel."
Buffy laughed and leaned into his shoulder. "I never thought I'd call you one."
~~~~~
Dawn and Connor headed back to the Hyperion from Caritas,
but Buffy gave Spike a lift home. Nika and Wesley had gone off together
soon after she'd finished her last song, saying something about taking
a ride. The Slayer didn't blame the other woman; riding on the back of
a motorcycle with a guy like Wesley Wyndam-Pryce would have appealed to
her too if she hadn't had her eye on a certain vampire.
She pulled up in front of the house, and they both sat quietly for a few minutes, neither willing for the evening to come to an end. "How long are you goin' to be in town for, luv?" Spike finally asked. He needed to break the silence before he gave into the little voice in his head that was telling him to shag Buffy silly in the back seat. Been there, done that—he wasn't going down that road again. Despite the Slayer's warmth towards him, he was still afraid that she would end up changing her mind.
"Just a couple of days," Buffy said, a note of regret in her voice. "Xander should be getting back into town on Sunday, and Giles and Willow will be back the day after."
"That's good," he said, trying not to choke too hard on the words. Buffy's friends would be around a lot more after this, which he couldn't help but think meant nothing good for him. With their constant presence in her life, Buffy wouldn't be quite so pleased to have him around. She wouldn't need him for anything any more.
She sighed. Buffy wished that her friends being back was good, but she'd gotten used to their absence, used to being able to make her decisions without worrying about what they would think. "Yeah." She glanced over at Spike and saw in the light from the streetlamp that he didn't look happy. "I wish I could stay in L.A. for Christmas," she confessed.
Spike looked surprised, then pleased. "Wish you could too, pet. Nika puts out quite a spread, an' her grandmother's comin' into town. From what I've heard, she's a decent sort."
"Why don't you come to Sunnydale for New Year's?" Buffy asked impulsively.
Spike shook his head. "Not so sure that's such a good idea. Your friends—"
"Will deal," Buffy said firmly. "You're my friend too, Spike, if for no other reason than your coming up to sign those papers with me."
"Lots more reasons than that," he murmured. He shook his head. "Dunno, Buffy. You shouldn't have to be fightin' with your friends over the holidays. Maybe you could get away, come back down to L.A. for a few days."
"And I will," she replied. "But I'd like you to come up."
Spike faced her, noting the determination in her gaze. "What are you tryin' to prove?"
"That whatever happens between us, it's going to be different this time." Buffy set her chin, and Spike recognized her "don't say no to me" face. "I don't know what you want, Spike. Heck, I don't even know what I want. But I do know I don't want to lose track of you again."
He smiled slightly. "So I'd be a welcome guest, then?"
"You'll always be welcome in my house."
It was the truth in her eyes that decided him."Right then. You just let me know when and where, Slayer, and I'll be there."
It was more than an agreement. It was a promise.