By enigmaticblue  <enigmaticblue@yahoo.com>

Rated: PG-13

Summary: Spike leaves after "Dead Things," wanting nothing more than to get Buffy out of his head. Wesley's still an independent contractor after the events of "Loyalty." And the Slayer's still living in the land of denial.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters featured below except for Nika. She's all mine. And I'm not making any money off of her either, so please don't sue.
 

Part V: Reasons Revisited
 

"This is my life/It's not what it was before/All these feelings I've shared/And these are my dreams/That I'd never lived before/Somebody shake me 'cause I/I must be sleeping/Now that we're here/It's so far away/All the struggle we thought was in vain/All the mistakes, one life contained/They all finally start to go away/Now that we're here/it's so far away/I feel like I can face the day/I can forgive, and I'm not ashamed/To be the person that I am today/These are my words/That I've never said before/I think I'm doing okay/And this is the smile/That I've never shown before/Somebody shake me 'cause I must be sleeping/I'm so afraid of waking/Please don't shake me." ~Staind, "So Far Away"
 

Chapter 25: March 2006
 

The hardwood floor of Buffy's living room seemed to glow in the dim lamplight as she and Nika chatted amiably, both curled up on the couch. The Slayer had decided to keep most of her mother's furniture, partly to save money, but also because she still wanted reminders of their old house. Even in this new place, with her mom's things surrounding her, Buffy sensed Joyce's presence. It was comforting.

"This place looks really good, Buffy," Nika complimented. They were having their first meeting to discuss Buffy's pregnancy and Lamaze classes, which Nika was teaching. Nika usually required her first-time clients to take some kind of classes, feeling that it let them know what to expect.

Buffy looked around the living room herself, smiling. "It's been fun to get things fixed the way I want them," she admitted. "It's the first time I've had the opportunity to do that."

"And Dawn?" Nika asked. "Is she going to be staying here?"

"This summer," Buffy said. "Dawn promised to help me with the baby for the first few months, but she's going to get her own place after that."

Nika gave Buffy a knowing smile. "With Connor?"

"No, thank goodness," Buffy replied, laughing a little. "Which means I can hold onto the fantasy that my sister isn't having sex yet. On the other hand, I have it from a very reliable source that they're planning on getting apartments in the same complex."

Nika laughed. "I take it that the fantasy is weakening."

"Oh, no, I'm holding onto it with both hands," Buffy replied. "Just like Spike is. He told me he didn't want to know for fear he'd have to do something about it."

Nika burst out laughing. "I wondered why he hadn't gotten overprotective yet."

"Yeah, it's because he's refusing to be observant," Buffy said wryly. "That, and I think he didn't want Dawn to feel like she had to choose between him and Connor." The Slayer turned pensive. "Spike's lost out too many times to want to chance it."

The other woman didn't respond to Buffy's obviously self-directed comment. "How have you been feeling lately?"

Buffy shrugged, knowing that Nika was referring to her pregnancy. "Good. I mean, I'm not getting morning sickness anymore. The mood swings aren't a lot of fun, but I'm dealing. So far everything's pretty normal."

"Have you decided if you want to know the sex yet?"

Buffy smiled. "It isn't up to me, apparently. Everytime I go in for an ultrasound, the baby's moved so they can't tell whether it's a boy or a girl."

Nika laughed. "That can definitely happen at times. Have you decided on a birthing coach yet?"

"I—I don't know," Buffy said hesitantly. "I mean, it's a lot to ask."

"I'm sure Willow or even Dawn would be happy do do that for you," Nika said gently. At the look on Buffy's face, she said softly, "And that's not who you want to ask."

"No," Buffy agreed. "How wrong would it be to ask him?"

Nika shook her head. "I don't think it would be wrong, Buffy. The worst he could do is say no."

"Yeah, that wouldn't be so bad," Buffy murmured her tone slightly sarcastic. "I don't even know how big a part he wants to play in this. We're taking things slow, but being with me comes with an entirely different kind of baggage now. I don't even know if Spike likes kids, let alone babies."

Nika gave her a look. "I think you're overlooking something."

"What's that?"

"That it doesn't matter how Spike feels about kids in general, or even about babies. It matters how he feels about your baby." Nika sighed. "You're worried that he'll decide you aren't worth the effort?"

"It's not his child," Buffy said. "Human guys run from pregnant women. What's a vampire going to do?"

~~~~~

"It's just that I don't know what she wants," Spike lamented. "Don't even know if she wants me."

Wesley raised an eyebrow, certain that most of Spike's mood could be blamed on his typical melodramatic self where it concerned Buffy. "Spike, she kicked one of her oldest friends out the door for you. Why on earth would you think she didn't want you?"

"'s the baby," Spike finally admitted in a low tone. "I don't know anythin' 'bout babies, unless you count the best way to eat 'em, an' that's not goin' to cut it. She could get a human guy, an' maybe—maybe it would be better."

Wesley sighed, wondering if Nika was having any better luck counseling the Slayer. He'd never thought he would be handing out relationship advice; it was ridiculous when you thought about his history. (Except for Nika, and he blamed extraordinarily good luck for that.) "Do you want the child?" he asked patiently.

Spike gave him a sharp glance. "What has that got to do with anything?"

"If you're going to be with Buffy, you're also going to be with her child," Wesley pointed out. "The question isn't, 'are you prepared now?' It's 'do you want to be prepared?'"

Spike frowned, staring into his beer as if the liquid held the answers to all his questions. "Dunno. But I want to be with Buffy."

"Then if you're honest, that's the answer to your question," Wesley said gently.

Spike shook his head. "Even if she wants me to stick around—an' I'm not entirely sure she does—" he said, holding up a hand to forestall Wesley's arguments. "'m not daddy material. Once she figures that out..."

Wesley laughed. "And I am?" he asked, looking at Spike in disbelief. "If Nika believes that I can be a father to a child, Buffy certainly might think the same of you. Besides which, you've already proven that you can handle an adolescent. I've heard they're worse than babies."

"'m a vampire, mate," Spike reminded him, his tone a touch rueful. "It's just like bein' a teen."

Wesley gave him a knowing look. "Then perhaps you've started to grow up." He stood. "Come. Our informant just arrived. If we're lucky, we can get this job done tonight."

~~~~~

They were finishing that night's job when Spike asked, "So what do you think I should do?"

"About what?" Wesley asked, wiping his ax-blade on one of the demon's shirts.

"About Buffy."

Wesley sighed. He couldn't help but long for the days when Buffy was a distant memory, and Spike was trying to get over her. At least then the conversation didn't always revolve around the blonde Slayer. "I don't know, Spike," he replied, as patiently as he was able. "Why don't you ask her?"

Spike looked unsure. "You think?"

"I don't think. I know." Wesley faced the vampire and gave him a stern look. "If Nika and I had actually talked to one another about our feelings, rather than assuming and dancing around the issue, we might have been coming up on a year anniversary."

He let the unspoken insinuation hang. If he and Nika had wasted a year, then Spike and Buffy had wasted three times as much time. Spike nodded. "Right. Talk." He hesitated. "How?"

"Take her out to a nice dinner, man!" Wesley exclaimed. "Wear a tie, make a reservation, bring her flowers. Then ask her what she wants from you where it concerns the baby. It shouldn't be that hard."

"You don't know Buffy," Spike muttered, thinking about the other times he'd tried to talk to her. It had never ended well.

Wesley shook his head at the other man's obtuseness. "Just do something, will you, and then move on to another topic?"

Spike smiled wryly. "Sorry, mate. Didn't realize I was borin' you."

"You aren't 'boring' me," Wesley quickly replied. "On the other hand, it would be nice to talk about something other than the Slayer and how she feels about you."

He chuckled. "Yeah. Been a bit of a broken record, haven't I?" It was a rhetorical question. "I'll try something. Don't know what yet, but I'll get it figured out.

~~~~~

Getting it figured out wasn't easy. It wasn't as though Spike didn't know what women wanted. He'd seen the movie, watched TV, even been around women his entire existence. (Both alive and dead.) The difficulty lay in the fact that he'd loved precisely three women in his long life, and the bulk of the time had been spent with Drusilla. Romance for her had been a fresh human heart; she had completely disregarded his necklace, which was probably a more typical token of affection.

(Although, perhaps her glee over Angel's gift had more to do with her fascination with Angelus, or perhaps she was just crazy enough to prefer a bleeding heart to something pretty. With Dru, it was hard to tell.)

It was the same thing when he had chained Buffy up in the crypt. He'd been smarting over her rejection, and then he'd had to make a split second decision when Dru had tasered her. Impulsive acts never turned out well for him. Spike could make a plan and carry it out with the best of them—after all, he'd gotten the Gem of Amarra, hadn't he?—but when he got impatient and scrapped the plan, things fell apart.

So the chains had been a really bad idea, but they weren't really meant to hurt or scare her. Spike had just wanted the Slayer to stay in one place for long enough to hear him out, instead of walking away in a huff. It had worked with Dru, after all.

What did a human boyfriend do anyway?

When he put the question to Dawn, the girl shrugged. "I don't know, Spike. You do whatever you want to do. Do something she likes."

Spike gave the girl a look. "Somethin' she likes? Patrolling?"

"No!" Dawn said quickly. "Something different. Special."

The vampire still wasn't exactly sure what that was supposed to mean. Dawn gave him an exasperated look. "Do the same thing with Buffy that you would do with me, Spike. You seem to have a handle on friendships. It's the same thing, basically, only with more kissing."

"The only things Buffy an' I have done in the past is shag and fight," Spike said, a touch of bitterness in his tone. "What the bloody hell am I supposed to think?"

Dawn had to admit he had a point. Her sister's repertoire of conversation seemed to be fairly well limited. "You guys do okay talking," she said, trying to be encouraging. "That's all you've been doing lately."

"But—" Spike paused. "'s different. "I need to ask her something, an' I want to set it up right."

Dawn tried to hide a grin. Personally, she found Spike's dithering rather adorable. He was so confident and cocky in other situations that seeing him so unsure now just told her how important it was to him. "Make reservations and take her out to dinner then," she advised. "She'll like that, especially since she's eating for two now."

"I'll give it a shot then, luv," Spike replied. "You and Connor still doin' okay?"

"Oh, yeah," Dawn replied, the dreamy smile on her face telling Spike exactly how "okay" she was doing. "It's going really well."

He gave her a slightly sour look, belied by the twinkle in his eyes. "You two aren't up to anythin' that's goin' to make me go postal, are you?"

"That's none of your business," Dawn replied pertly. "Suffice it to say that Connor and I made it through our first fight intact, which is saying something."

"Not that I don't like the boy, but—"

"What do I like about him?" Dawn asked thoughtfully. "Well, he's cute. Big plus there," she said grinning. Spike rolled his eyes at her, and she replied by sticking out her tongue. "Other than that, it's mostly that we have a lot in common. We like the same kinds of things, and he's really nice. Oh, and we both understand having a freaky family. We can talk to each other about things that are going on without sounding completely psycho."

Spike smiled. "That sounds like enough reason to me."

Dawn was quiet for a moment. "Spike?"

"Yeah, luv?"

"I love you."

He looked over at her, surprised. "Love you too, Bit, but what was that for?"

"Showing me an example of the kind of guy I want so I knew a good one when I saw him."

Spike was rendered speechless. All he could do was smile softly and touch Dawn's cheek in wordless thanks.

~~~~~

"Hey, Nika."

Nika turned to see Dawn entering the kitchen from the basement. "Hello, cariad. Did you stay the night?"

Dawn shrugged. "Yeah. It had been a while, and Spike and I had a lot to catch up on." She sat down at the kitchen table. "Besides, Connor had some sort of family deal last night, and I didn't really want to spend my evening with Angel."

Nika put a cup of coffee down in front of the girl, her eyebrows raised in question. "He's better than he was," Dawn explained, "but he's still all broody. And he keeps asking both of us about you and Wesley."

"He's asking about us?" Nika inquired sharply.

Dawn nodded. "Not in a bad way. Just asking if you guys are doing okay, and if Wesley has killed any big bads. That kind of thing. Like he wants to be friends."

Nika gave an indelicate snort. "Too bad."

They sipped their coffee in companionable silence for a while. "Nika? Can I ask you a personal question?"

The other woman looked across the table at Dawn, weighing her request with due consideration. "Of course, Dawn, though I won't promise to answer."

"How do you know when you should have sex with somebody?"

"Is this about Connor?"

"Kind of." A little line appeared between Dawn's brows. "I mean, we're definitely headed in that direction, but Buffy—watching my sister has made me just a little cautious. I just thought you might—I don't know, have some ideas."

Nika sighed, thinking for a moment, taking a sip of her coffee to give herself time to think. "I will tell you what I believe, cariad, but this is something every woman must determine for herself. Your sexuality, your body, is a gift that you give to your lover, whomever he might be. Between two people who care for each other, sex can be an incredible gift. It can also be merely physical, and it can become sorely twisted. You must decide what sex will be for you in your relationship with Connor. Is it something that he will appreciate and treasure, or is it something he feels is his due?"

Dawn smiled. "I think it would be a gift, you know. We haven't said 'I love you' yet, but it's coming. Even if it doesn't last, I think I'll always love him."

Nika reached across the table to grasp Dawn's hand, giving it a squeeze. "It is a difficult decision, love, though not everyone would agree with me. I have loved three men in my life, and I have not regretted any of it. That is something I am quite proud of."

"You and Spike were together, weren't you?" Dawn asked.

"Yes," Nika said quietly. "We both needed something from the other. I needed to feel as though I was not alone, and Spike needed to know he was cherished. It was good."

"And you and Wesley?" Dawn asked. "How did you know you loved him?"

Nika sighed. "I knew I loved him when I realized what it would cost me to lose him. It is not a method of finding the truth that I would wish on anyone."

"No," Dawn agreed, thinking about her own losses and the pain they had brought. Losing Connor would be a pain all its own. "No. That would be a really sucky way to figure it out."

~~~~~

Buffy cast a cautious glance over at Spike, thinking about what a strange evening this had been. She wasn't having a horrible time, but there was a thinly disguised undercurrent of tension all through dinner and beyond. She knew why she was nervous—she hadn't yet asked him to join her as her birthing coach. Buffy hadn't the least idea why Spike should be so tense, however, as she thought he had himself and his life pretty well sorted out.

Maybe it was just the circumstances of their date. Buffy had done the dinner and conversation thing with most of her boyfriends, the human ones anyway. She and Spike had never gone out together, dated, or whatever you wanted to call it, though. The closest they had come was when he'd come up to Sunnydale when she'd signed the papers for Peter. She and Spike hadn't had time to get used to doing the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, even if that's technically what they were.

Though, it did seem stupid to call a century-old vampire her "boyfriend." The moniker just didn't seem to fit. Buffy sighed.

"You alright, luv?" Spike asked, breaking the silence. The park was quiet after dark except for the slight buzzing of the street lamps that he figured only he could hear. "Are you cold?"

"Huh?" Buffy was startled out of her thoughts. "Oh, no. Not really."

Spike took a deep, unneeded breath. He'd thought that by going for a walk he would work up the nerve to have "the talk," but it wasn't going so well. "You know, Buffy—"

"Spike, I think we need to—"

They both stopped, laughing nervously at having started speaking at the same time.

"You go ahead," Spike said graciously.

Buffy looked away. "It's just, I have to take these childbirth classes, and I thought maybe—" She was interrupted this time not by Spike, but by a scream. They acted together as one, splitting up and running to flank the area from which the disturbance was coming. In spite of being nearly six months pregnant, Buffy was still moving at full Slayer-speed, nearly flying across the ground.

Spike, who was normally exquisitely graceful, found himself stumbling over a tree root that seemed to come up out of nowhere. With a growl, his demon appeared, yellow eyes glowing, easily picking out the scene.

The mugger was human, Buffy realized in the split second she had to assess the situation. He was human and he had a gun, which he was using to threaten a young woman. If the Slayer had had the chance to really think about it, she probably would have realized that Spike was a better choice to take down the thief, especially as the vampire couldn't be killed by bullets. She didn't have time to think, however, and she hadn't really had the chance to witness Spike in action since he had his chip out. Most of the time she forgot that he could now hurt humans. So it seemed logical for her to step in and stop the guy.

After all, she had the element of surprise on her side, and the mugger certainly wasn't expecting a pregnant woman to come out of nowhere and snap his wrist like a twig.

There was a sharp crack as the bones broke, and the gun went flying. Spike was there in the next instant, human face firmly in place. He grabbed the mugger's arms roughly, taking a second to toss his cellphone at Buffy. "Better call the police," he said curtly.

Buffy could hear the tension in his tone, but she didn't have time to figure out the cause. She quickly dialed 911, pausing to comfort the girl, barely more than a teen, who was beginning to sob in reaction. Spike kept hold of the man, and Buffy glanced over at him, realizing that he was planning on taking credit for the capture. It made more sense, of course. The cops were hardly going to believe that a pregnant lady had managed to take down a full-grown man twice her size.

Sure enough, Spike succintly explained the situation to the cops when they arrived. The cops took their statements, glanced over their identification, and said they'd call if they needed anything else, leaving the two of them free to go.

Spike waited until they were out of earshot before speaking. "What the bloody hell were you thinking, Slayer?"

His voice was low, but intense, and Buffy's head snapped around at his barely contained rage. "What are you talking about, Spike?"

"Why didn't you let me handle it?" he demanded. "That bastard had a gun, and in case you've forgotten, you're not the one immune to bullets."

"He was human!" Buffy protested, realizing belatedly that was no longer a handicap for the vampire. "Okay, so I forgot the chip is gone, Spike. I didn't have a chance to think about it."

"That's no excuse."

"Spike!" Buffy was getting pissed off. He was being unreasonable. "What's your issue?"

"You could have been hurt," he pointed out. "You an' the baby. Thought you said you didn't have a deathwish, Slayer."

"I don't!" Buffy protested, her own temper steadily rising. "Look, Spike, I may be pregnant, but I'm still the Slayer, and I'm still perfectly capable of taking care of myself. If you wanted to take the guy down, maybe you should have moved a little faster."

Spike was beyond angry at this point, and he could feel his control slipping. He knew he was being irrational; he was well aware that he was dangerously close to saying something he was going to regret. Seeing Buffy take down the mugger, seeing the gun fly, he knew that if something had gone wrong he could have lost her in an instant. She'd been shot before, and Spike knew that the Slayer was not immune to bullets.

He was angry at her for being so seemingly careless, angry at himself for not moving faster, scared to death that he was going to lose her again, one way or another. "I was movin' as fast as I could," he replied, a hot bolt of shame sliding through him at his own weakness. "I don't see why you couldn't have waited a few more seconds."

"So you could play overprotective boyfriend?" Buffy demanded. "You don't have the right, Spike."

It wasn't what she meant to say, not really. Spike was as much her boyfriend as anything else, though that wasn't the title she'd give him. Buffy was angry and hormonal and just a little aroused as the fight escalated. In short, she was ready to have it out with all of their old passion.

Spike's blue eyes darkened until they were almost black, and his lips curled back in a sneer. "So is this it, Slayer? I haven't scratched your itch, so I mean nothing to you? Are we back to me bein' your toy?"

His accusation wouldn't have hurt so much if there hadn't been just a smidgeon of truth there. It wasn't all he was, but Buffy was a little tired of taking it slow. The fight had her, as Faith had often said, all revved up. Her right cross came out of nowhere, snapping his head back with force.

Spike's own fist came up and stopped. He stood, trembling, staring at her. His face stung where she'd hit him, but it hadn't really hurt. What had hurt was that they seemed to be back where they had started. He had promised they weren't going there again. Spike had sworn he wasn't going to be the Slayer's punching bag or her sex toy anymore.

Lowering his fist with effort, Spike took a step backward. Buffy felt as shocked as the vampire looked, and she was almost disappointed when he didn't hit back. If he had hit her, Buffy might have managed to feel justified after the fact.

"No," he said hoarsely, taking another step back. "'m not doin' this again. 's done." Turning on his heel, Spike called back over his shoulder. "You can see yourself home, Slayer, if you're so good at takin' care of yourself."

Buffy reached up to wipe silent tears from her cheeks. In one stupid move, she'd taken them right back to the alley, where they always seemed to end up. They had seemed to come so far, and she had screwed it all up again.

~~~~~

Dawn wasn't quite sure what made sex so special. Her first time had been nice, but it definitely wasn't like the movies or the books either. There had been a lot of fumbling from inexperienced hands, awkward gropings, and giggling as things didn't quite work as they'd expected.

This, on the other hand, was very nice.

Connor was watching her, propped up on his elbow, a little smile on his lips. "I love you."

She scooted herself over so she was spooned against him. "I love you too," she sighed.

"Was it—" he stuttered a little, seeming suddenly insecure. "Was it okay?"

"It was good."

Connor was quiet. "I've never done this before, you know."

"I know. Me neither."

"This is nice, though." He stroked her cheek with his thumb, letting out a yawn. "I like being with you."

"Same goes," Dawn replied, yawning herself. She waited until Connor had settled himself back on the pillow before resting her head on his chest, feeling pleasantly sleepy.

"We're probably doomed, you know," Connor muttered. "When you think about it, your sister, my dad. We're completely screwed up."
 

"I'm okay with that, if you are," Dawn replied.

"Love you anyway," Connor murmured.

Dawn smiled. As she followed him down, she thought to herself, 'My love life could hardly get as screwed up as Buffy's.'

~~~~~

Wesley woke to the slamming of the front door. He pushed himself up slowly, wondering if it was a sound he needed to investigate.

"It's just Spike," Nika said, pulling him back down. "Probably angry about something."

The second bang, this time of the basement door being slammed, supported her theory. "Should we—?"

"No, not tonight," Nika replied. "We'll talk to him in the morning. It's best to let him cool off for a while first."

Wesley hesitated, thinking about it. He knew there were plenty of times when he had preferred to brood for a while before being inundated with questions and concerns. "Tomorrow then," he agreed, settling back down into sleep. His last thoughts were of the woman beside him, a grateful recognition of the security of their love.