Cold As It Gets

Author: enigmaticblue

Rating: PG-15

Archive: If you already have my stuff, otherwise just ask.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in this story. Need I say more?

Summary: Set in a very AU world after the BtVS S6 episode Grave and the Ats S4 episode, Orpheus. Spike never shows up in Sunnydale, Faith sticks around in L.A., since there's no First Evil to worry about in Sunnydale, and Angel and Connor manage to prevent Jasmine from rising. The AI gang is left fragmented until the Powers That Be decide to intervene.

"To the end of the earth, I search for your face, for the one who laid all of our beauty to waste. Threw our hope into hell and our children to the fire. I am the one who crawled through the wire. There's a million sad stories on the side of the road. Strange how we all just got used to the blood. Millions of stories that will never be told, silent and froze in the mud. I know a cold as cold as it gets. I know a darkness that's darker than coal. A wind that blows as cold as it gets. Blew out the light of my soul...I know a cold as cold as it gets. I fight a war I may never see won. I live only to see you live to regret everything that you've done." ~Patty Griffin, "Cold As It Gets"

Chapter 10

Angel hadn't known what to think when he'd seen Fred coming out of Spike's room that morning. He'd known that it was a possibility. Fred had once had a crush on him, and so Angel recognized that she didn't have a problem with the fact that Spike was a vampire.

If he was going to get upset, Angel supposed he was as much to blame as anyone else. After all, he had been the one to tell Fred to look after Spike, and vice versa.

Still, it concerned him.

Angel brooded about it all day, turning the situation over in his mind, trying to figure out who he should speak to, if anyone. Nothing really penetrated until Connor stuck his head into the office. "I'm going out."

Momentarily gratified that Connor had even thought to let him know, Angel couldn't help but be curious as to what his son was up to. "Where to? Do you want some company?"

Connor flushed. "Dad—" He sounded more like a teenager in that moment than ever before. "It's kind of a date."

"A date?" Angel sat up straight. "With who?"

"A girl I met at the mall the other day," Connor replied. "We're going to the movies."

"What's her name?" Angel asked suspiciously, feeling as though this was happening too quickly. Cordelia would have known what to say, but he had no clue.

Connor shrugged. "Her name is Sarah."

It was a perfectly normal name. Probably attached to a perfectly normal girl. "You met her at the mall? When was this?"

"Spike and Fred took me to the mall," Connor admitted reluctantly. "He and Fred went off on their own, and I met some other kids. They were nice. Sarah's nice."

"How are you getting there?" Angel asked.

Connor shifted uncomfortably. "I'm going to get there how I usually get there. I have to go, or I'm going to be late."

Angel dug around in his pocket, pulling out his wallet, handing Connor two bills. "Make sure you pay for the movie. Girls expect that. And if you need a ride home, call the hotel. Someone will be here."

"I can take care of myself," Connor insisted, but Angel thought he heard a pleased note in his son's voice.

Angel smiled, almost unwillingly. His son wasn't a baby; Connor was a young man. Dating. As long as he was happy, though. That's all Angel could ask for. "I know you can."

"Thanks, Dad," Connor said, dashing out the door before Angel could reply.

Spike came swaggering into the office a few minutes later. "Your boy stop in and see you?"

Angel glared at him, although it was more out of habit than any real malice at this point. "Your doing, I suppose?"

"I gave him a few pointers and pushed him in the right direction," Spike replied. "He needs to be around people his own age, Angel. He's just a kid."

"I know that."

"So why isn't he in school?"

"School?" Angel asked blankly. "Are you serious? You do realize that it's just been within the last few months that he's actually spoken to me, right?"

"Kids should be in school."

"I was working up to it."

"He's not going to be a kid forever."

"You think I don't know that?" Angel demanded. "A little over a year ago, I was changing his diapers, and now he's dating!"

Spike gave him a look that was full of sympathy. Angel could hardly believe it. "I'm sorry. That must have hurt."

"More than you can imagine."

"You'd be surprised," Spike murmured.

Angel leaned back in his chair. "Why haven't you gone back to Sunnydale, Spike?" At the hurt that flashed across the other vampire's face, Angel added, "I'm not saying I want you to go. It's just—I know how you feel about Buffy, and you aren't one to give up."

"No, I'm not," Spike agreed. "I didn't give up, Angelus. I changed."

"The soul?"

"Hurts like a bitch," Spike said. Angel knew exactly what he meant. "It's also allowed me to see some things I didn't particularly care to look at before." He shrugged, a graceful gesture. "I'm not what I was."

"I know." He could see Spike's gratitude at his acknowledgment. It was so little, and yet that was all Spike had ever really wanted from him. Theirs was a complicated relationship, filled with as much love as hate, as much rivalry as affection. "Which is why I'm not going to tell you to be careful with Fred."

"Peaches..."

The warning in Spike's tone had Angel holding up his hands in surrender. "Did I say anything?"

"I think you just did," Spike said. "An' it's not like that."

"I saw her coming out of your room this morning."

"It's not like that," Spike repeated stubbornly, and Angel knew that he'd say no more on the subject. When Spike used that tone of voice there was no reasoning with him.

"I didn't say it was," Angel replied. "Which is why I'm not warning you off."

"It wouldn't work if you tried."

"I know." Angel hesitated. For the first time in a long time, he had no desire to interfere in Spike's relationship. If Spike and Fred hit it off, the only thing Angel was concerned about was that Fred didn't get hurt.

Needless to say, he wasn't terribly concerned about Spike.

"You don't have to worry."

Angel smiled. "Spike, I always worry."

Call him crazy, but Angel was glad that Spike wasn't leaving, that there would be one more thing tying him to L.A. Things had gotten better since Spike's arrival, and maybe that was mere coincidence, maybe it was just that they'd all begun to move on, but that didn't negate the fact that if Spike were to leave, it would leave a hole.

They had lost enough members of the team. They didn't need to lose any others.

~~~~~

"Have you heard about Spike and Fred?" Wesley asked casually.

Wesley was dragging him to another client meeting, although Angel could honestly say that he felt a little more interested now than he had in the past. Spike had reminded him that Connor still needed things, just as he had when he was a baby. It was in Connor's best interests if he made the agency a success. Wesley had been doing his best, but it might be time for Angel to put a little more effort in.

In short, Angel was beginning to feel as though life might go on without Cordelia, although he didn't know what to think about that.

Angel shook his head. "How does word spread so fast?"

"We're a very small, very tight-knit group, Angel," Wesley reminded him. "And Faith saw Fred going into Spike's room last night."

"I thought she was staying with you."

"Not last night," Wesley replied. "Then I take it you heard."

"I saw Fred come out of Spike's room." Angel decided to turn the tables. "So how are you and Faith?"

"We're fine, Angel," Wesley said. "I'm not sure that it's any of your business, either way."

"You're both friends, Wes," Angel reminded him. "And I don't want to lose either of you."

"I don't think our relationship is like that," Wesley replied. He sighed. "Although, to be honest, I'm not sure what our relationship is like."

"You love her." Angel didn't bother phrasing it as a question. He knew the signs when he saw them, and Wesley was beginning to care deeply for the Slayer if he wasn't already head over heels.

He couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy at that, knowing that they would pair up and move on, all of them. Even Spike, who had always been part of a duo or a team. Angel, on the other hand, had been alone for a long time before L.A., before Buffy. He had hoped, with Cordelia, that he would find someone to share at least a part of his unlife with, but it was obviously not to be.

Wesley shook his head. "I don't know. It's not that easy."

"It never is."

Angel decided not to say anything else. As Wesley had said, it was none of his business.

~~~~~

He wanted to be casual about it. In fact, Angel knew that he had to be casual about it. Broach the subject too abruptly, and Connor wouldn't give him any details at all. So he made sure he was in his office with the light on when his son got home, hoping that Connor would come in on his own.

Pretending to read while keeping one eye on Connor, he waited to see what the boy would do. Connor made it halfway up the stairs, and then he turned around and came back down. "Hey," he said, sticking his head into Angel's office.

"Hi. How was the date?"

"Good." Connor paused. "A little weird."

Angel leaned back in his chair. He wanted Connor to believe that he was available, that he wanted to listen. He wanted Connor to understand that he loved him. Angel wondered if he knew—really knew.

Somehow, Angel wasn't so sure that Connor did understand. Of course, it was only now, as a father himself, that he could begin to understand his own father's actions where he was concerned. The old man had loved him, had done his best by him in his own way. That was all any of them could ever do—their best.

There were so many regrets that Angel had. He wished he had told Cordelia he loved her sooner. He wished he hadn't lied to Connor about going to see Holtz. He wished that he'd been able to forgive Wesley sooner, that he'd understood.

Things were so different now. Angel had wanted so many things—to be with Cordelia, to see Connor grow up, to watch his friends be happy and grow old. He wouldn't get what he wanted, but he might be able to make something good out of what life had left him.

"Weird how?" Angel asked, wanting to extend his support.

Connor slumped in the chair. "She wanted to talk about me. About my family and everything. I didn't know what to tell her."

"What did you tell her?" Angel asked, trying to keep the concern out of his voice.

"I told her that I lived with my foster father in Africa until last year, when I came to live with my biological father." Connor smiled wryly. "Spike suggested the cover story. He said it would be easier to explain the social faux pas I was going to make."

Angel couldn't disagree with that idea. "What did you say about your mom?"

"That she died giving birth to me." Connor sighed. "I think that's what made it weird. She didn't say much after that, and then the movie started, and we didn't really get a chance to talk since her dad was picking her up right after."

Angel was quiet for a moment, and then he said, "It's kind of a sad story, Connor. I'm sure she just didn't know what to say."

"Is every girl going to be like that?" Connor asked. "Am I going to have to lie to everybody?"

Angel didn't want to tell him the truth. He didn't want to say that yes, Connor would most likely have to lie for the rest of his life. That there would be very few people who would be able to handle knowing who and what he was, and that it was a lonely life. Instead, he just said, "No, not everybody, but most people. They wouldn't understand."

"How do you do it?" Connor asked.

Angel shrugged. "You get used to it after awhile. You find people who know you, and then it doesn't matter so much. You make a family."

"That's not my world." The boy looked down at his hands. "It's never going to be my world."

"You don't know that." Angel could hear the intensity in his tone. "Give it time."

"How much time?"

"I don't know." He wanted to give him something more than that. "You know I'm always here for you, right? The door is always open."

Connor rose to his feet in one fluid motion. "Thanks."

Angel held in a sigh as Connor went to leave, feeling as though he hadn't gotten through yet again. He knew that this was what he needed to do—to continually tell Connor the truth, that he loved him, that he was here. One of these days, maybe Connor would believe it.

Cordelia would have understood. She would have been right there with him.

Oh, how he missed her.

Connor paused in the doorway. "Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

Angel watched him go, wondering for the hundredth time how a boy so beautiful could have come from him.

He was still lost in his thoughts when Fred stuck her head through the door. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I was just waiting up for Connor."

"He came in awhile ago," Fred informed him. "Didn't you see him?"

"We talked," Angel replied. "What are you still doing up?"

She shrugged, coming into the office and sitting down across from him. "I couldn't really sleep. I finally decided that maybe I could get something done besides tossing and turning. Wesley said he needed some help on the research for the Ellis file."

"You should get Spike to help you with that," Angel said. "He's a lot better at the research than he likes to pretend."

Fred raised an eyebrow. "Are we talking about the same vampire? Because he told me he was allergic to Latin."

Angel's lips twitched. "Spike just doesn't like sitting still all that much. He knows his Greek and Latin, and I wouldn't be surprised if he knew a few other languages and just refuses to admit it."

"What was he like?" Fred asked. "Before the soul. I've seen Angelus, and I wouldn't want a repeat, but I've been wondering what Spike would be like if the soul got loose, because that's a little scary. I mean, if he lost his soul, would he come after me, or—"

Angel shook his head. "I don't know. I don't think so, Fred. Once Spike decides to do something, there's nothing that's going to stand in his way of getting it done."

"You almost sound like you admire him," Fred stated. "I thought you'd..." She trailed off, obviously unwilling to voice what she thought Angel might do.

"You thought I'd tell you to stay away from him?" Angel asked. "Would it do any good?"

"Not really," Fred admitted. "Besides, we're just friends."

"Is that all you want?"

"I don't know."

Angel thought it was odd, to sit here talking to Fred about a man she liked—a vampire she liked, to be more specific. The fact that it was Spike made it that much stranger. At the same time, it felt right. He and Fred had a special relationship. In a very real way, she had saved him in Pylea, just as much as he'd saved her.

Angel wanted her to be happy, and he'd seen what Gunn's leaving had done. No, what the last year had done. They had all been hurt, and hurt badly.

They had all been left reeling and directionless, and Angel recalled Fred's words, that she wished that she could be like Cordelia, that she was sorry she couldn't have pulled them all together.

"I know things have changed a lot around here," Angel began tentatively. "But I wanted to thank you for staying. We wouldn't have survived around here without you."

Fred flushed deeply. "That's really nice of you to say."

"I meant it." Angel waited until she met his eyes, and then he smiled. "I'm really glad you stayed."

Although she didn't say anything, Angel could tell from the expression on her face that she believed him, and it gave him hope.

If he just kept trying, maybe—someday—it would work itself out, and Angel would have what he wanted.