Collide

By: enigmaticblue

Rating: PG-15

Disclaimer: The standard "I don't own; please don't sue."

Archive: Anywhere that already has my stuff; anywhere else just ask.

Summary: What if that house-demolishing in Smashed was a metaphor with a different meaning than the writers gave it? What if that night marked a release of a different sort? Goes seriously AU immediately after Smashed, and makes reference to my short story, "The Promise I'm Keeping," written for summer_of_spike.

Chapter 20: Home

"...Oh night that joined the lover/To the beloved one/Transforming each of them into the other/Upon that misty night/in secrecy, beyond such mortal sight/Without a guide or light/Than that which burned so deeply in my heart/That fire 'twas led me on/And shone more brightly than the midday sun/To where he waited still...I lost myself to him/And laid my face upon my lover's breast/And care and grief grew dim/As in the morning's mist became the light..." ~Loreena McKennitt, "The Dark Night of the Soul"

When Buffy opened her eyes, she realized that she'd passed out at some point during the course of their lovemaking. Or was it after? Perhaps she'd simply fallen asleep. It had been intense, that was for certain.

"You okay, luv?" Spike asked.

She stirred herself enough to look at him. "I'm good. A little sore."

He immediately appeared apologetic. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Buffy said.

Spike touched her neck, next to his bite mark. "Does it hurt?"

"Not that much," Buffy replied truthfully. "Slayer healing and all."

He nodded, not replying.

Buffy realized that they had moved from the floor to her bed at some point, and she dimly recalled the flames from the candles leaping and the sand of the circle glowing. "I didn't burn up the carpet, did I?"

"No, it looked alright," Spike replied. "Your sister and Tara made it back okay."

"They did the spell?"

Spike nodded. "Guess Willow broke down. Rupert stayed with her. He didn't come back here, so I'm guessing he either got a hotel room or stayed there all night."

"All night?" Buffy asked. "What time is it?"

"Near noon," Spike replied. "You were out for a while."

She sat up. "Wait, Dawn had school today. It's Monday. I—"

"I got her off," Spike replied. "Harris drove her."

Buffy settled back down in bed. "What did you tell her?"

Spike shrugged as best he could from his reclining position. "Told her that the spell took a lot out of you." He smiled. "It worked, you know. Dawn heard me yellin' at her to get her arse out of bed just fine."

"I'm sure she appreciated that."

"Probably not, but she was on time, so..." Spike trailed off. "Did you really mean it, Buffy?"

She didn't bother trying to play dumb. "I meant it."

"When?"

"When did I know? Or when did I fall in love with you?"

"Either. Both." Spike looked away. "I didn't think—I didn't know."

"I'm sorry." Buffy sighed. "I don't know when I fell in love with you," she admitted. "It just sort of happened. I knew when we had to break into your apartment, and I realized that if you weren't around anymore..."

"Yeah," Spike said quietly, running a hand down her cheek. "Wouldn't be good."

"No." Buffy gave him a sheepish look. "So when exactly did I make it to the bed?"

Spike smirked. "When I picked you up and put you in it, 'round about eleven. Then I had to let Dawn and Tara know you were alright. You were out cold." The smirk faded and softened. "Thought maybe I took too much, but you were pretty involved in what came after."

Buffy snorted. "You could say that. I think it was probably a combination of all of the above."

"All of the above includin' the mind-blowing sex?"

"Don't push it, buster," Buffy warned him, her tone indulgent. "You know very well just how good it was."

Spike's eyes grew serious as he asked, "What's next, luv?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "I do like your apartment, though. I don't think I got a chance to tell you that. It's nice."

"It's not much better than a hole," he objected. "But it's something. Thought you might be happier about Dawn going there after school, giving you a break."

"Only if you're okay with it," Buffy insisted. "I'm sure you have better things to do with your time."

He just raised an eyebrow. "Not really, luv. You forget that there's not much a vamp can do in the daylight hours."

"Sleep?"

"Don't need much sleep," Spike replied. "Never have."

She sighed. "Then I'll let you tell Dawn when she can come over. It's up to you and her to work it out between yourselves."

"What about the rest of it?" Spike asked.

Buffy ran a hand down the bare skin of his chest. He was cool to the touch again. It had been decidedly odd last night to be with someone whose body heat was at least as great as her own. She thought that she preferred Spike's usual cooler temperatures. "Does it matter?"

"Not as long as you love me."

"Then I guess we'll figure it out as we go along."

~~~~~

Tara entered the Magic Box, wanting to return the book that she had borrowed for the binding spell, as well as the one they'd performed on Willow.

It had worked just as well as she'd anticipated. Dawn had broken through Willow's denial, and Tara's disappointment had put the cap on it. Giles had called her earlier, saying that he'd stayed with Willow all night, mainly because he didn't think it wise to leave her on her own. He had also spoken to her about going back to England with him, staying and studying with the coven.

Giles felt that Willow needed training, and some kind of outside control. People who could—and would—tell her when she was stepping over the line and prevent her from doing so. He had also suggested that Willow needed to find out who she was again.

Tara couldn't help but agree.

"Anya?" she called as she entered the store. Anya came out of the back, and Tara could tell immediately that she'd been crying. "What's wrong?"

The other woman managed a shaky smile. "Xander and I talked. He—he wanted to put off the wedding, but..."

"It's off for good?" Tara asked.

"He's not ready." Anya sighed. "I don't know if I'm ready, either, but I wanted this, you know?"

Tara nodded slowly. "Yeah, I know."

Anya shook her head. "It's fine, though. I mean, I'm mad at him, but not really. It's just hard."

Tara sighed, thinking of Willow. "I know it is."

They looked at each other, a shared understanding passing between the two of them. "I feel like it might be okay, though," Anya said. "I helped. It's not like..."

"Like you're just the girlfriend?" Tara suggested, knowing exactly what it was that Anya was getting at.

Anya nodded. "Exactly."

"You were a huge help," Tara said.

"Thank you." Anya smiled, liking the feeling that came from knowing she'd done something good, that she'd contributed. In fact, she'd been more of an integral part of things than Xander or Willow had been. It left her feeling rather smug.

"Where are you going to be staying?" Tara asked.

Anya shrugged. "I'll have to look for a new place."

"Do you want some help?"

Anya gave the other girl a measuring look and then nodded. "Yes. I think that would be very nice of you."

Tara smiled. The group was re-forming, although along very different lines.

~~~~~

Dawn had refused to go point-blank, and so Buffy had left her sister with Spike. After everything that had happened with Rack, Dawn was just as uncomfortable being alone as Buffy was leaving her by herself. Giles had called to let her know that he was planning on taking Willow with him back to England. He had suggested that Buffy come see Willow before they left if she wanted to talk to her.

Buffy wasn't sure that she did want to see Willow, but it seemed like the right thing to do.

The Slayer knocked on Willow's door, wondering who it was that would greet her. She didn't have to wonder for long. The witch immediately looked stricken when she saw Buffy. "Come in."

Buffy entered the dorm room, watching as Willow closed the door behind her. "Giles said you wanted to see me."

Willow lost what little color she had. "Buffy, I am so, so sorry. I don't—I don't even know what happened. It's just that I wanted to help, and—"

"I understand," Buffy said quietly. "I know that you were trying to do what you thought was best, but do you understand now that you were wrong, Willow?"

Willow nodded slowly. "Yeah. Dawn and Tara got through, loud and clear." She looked away. "I'm sorry. About the resurrection spell. I wanted you back, Buffy."

"It's not always about what we want," Buffy replied. "Sometimes it's just about making do with what we have."

"I think I understand that now," Willow said. "I do. I—I never meant to hurt you."

"I know, Willow." Buffy wondered if Willow really did understand that what she'd done was wrong, not because she realized how they all felt about it, but because she didn't have the right to control other people's lives. Buffy wasn't sure that she did, but maybe that would come with time and training.

For right now, it was enough that Willow had apologized for what she'd done. Only time would tell whether or not she'd actually learned her lesson.

"I'm sorry about Spike, too," Willow continued. "I know that the curse was wrong. Someone could have gotten hurt."

"Spike was hurt," Buffy pointed out.

Willow swallowed, nodding. "You'll tell him I'm sorry?"

"I'll tell him."

"And I called off the contract. No one should come after him now, at least not for money."

Buffy held in a sigh. Willow sounded like she did any time she made a mistake. Trying to bake cookies to make everything okay. It didn't seem as though Willow understood that she shouldn't have put the contract out on Spike in the first place. She didn't say any of that, though. All she said was, "Thank you. That will make things easier."

They stared at each other, and Buffy wondered when Willow had stopped being her best friend. She was closer to Spike at this point. Or Tara and Anya, who had put aside their own heartaches to help her save Dawn and lift the curse on Spike. Buffy knew that things had been changing for a long time, but she couldn't ignore the evidence any longer, or pretend that it wasn't true. It wasn't a passing phase. It was a fundamental change.

Even if Willow returned, even if she learned her lesson, things between them would never be the same again, not after her actions had hurt Buffy's family so horribly.

Buffy still loved her, but she didn't really like the person Willow had become.

"I should be going," Buffy said. "Dawn's been wanting me to stay pretty close."

Willow nodded, unable to meet the Slayer's eyes. "Yeah. I leave tomorrow, you know."

"Giles told me." Buffy paused. "Good luck, Will."

That was all there was to say.

~~~~~

When Buffy entered the house, she could hear voices in the kitchen, and she followed the sound to its source. Giles, Anya, and Tara were all there with Spike and Dawn, and Buffy wondered what the emergency was. "What's going on?"

"Giles was just telling us about his travel plans," Dawn replied. "And Anya and Tara dropped by to see how Spike and I were doing."

Buffy smiled, coming to stand next to Spike. She could feel his hand come to rest at her back, and she leaned into him. "It was good of you guys to come over."

"I had a proprietary interest," Anya replied. "I wanted to see if the ritual worked this time."

"It worked," Spike said, an amused gleam in his eyes.

Giles looked a little sour. "So we can see." He glanced at Buffy's neck, and the healing wound. "Did you speak to Willow?"

Buffy nodded. "I'm not sure that she really gets it yet. I mean, she feels bad, and she apologized, but..."

"Willow doesn't yet have a good understanding of what magic ought to be used for," Giles said. "I'm hoping that the coven will be able to help with that."

"If she doesn't learn her lesson what are you going to do to her?" Dawn asked. "I don't want her coming back unless she's not going to hurt Spike again."

"Niblet—"

"I don't think you need to worry about that, Dawn," Giles assured her. "She's learned that lesson anyway. Buffy's made her wishes where Spike is concerned very clear."

Buffy could feel Spike's hand grip her waist as he pulled her just a little closer. Tara nodded her agreement. "Giles has told me a little about the coven, Dawnie," she said gently. "They aren't going to let her go until she's ready. If they feel as though she would be too great a threat..."

Tara trailed off, and Dawn moved to give her a hug. "I'm really glad you're going to be here. I think we got the better deal."

The woman smiled. "Thank you, sweetie."

"Where's Xander?" Buffy asked. "Is—"

"It's off," Anya interrupted. "I haven't seen him since we talked about it."

Buffy winced. "The wedding is off for good?" She turned to Giles. "Does Xander know that Willow's leaving? He'll want to talk to her."

"I called and left a message," Giles replied. "Whether he'll do anything about it, I don't know." He looked at Buffy and Spike, noting their closeness, the happiness in Buffy's face, her relaxed posture. She was looking better than she had in months, probably since her mother's death, and Giles decided not to bother with giving his speech about the dangers of embarking on another relationship with a vampire. It wasn't like Buffy was going to listen to him anyway. "I know this hasn't been a long visit," he said, "but perhaps once I get Willow settled I can come back for a couple of weeks."

Buffy's smile was radiant. "That would be really nice. We've missed you."

"Yes, well, I've missed all of you as well." Giles looked around the group, noting Spike's raised eyebrow. "And, as much as it pains me to admit it, that does include you, Spike."

The vampire smirked. "It hasn't been the same without you here, Dad."

Giles sighed, and then looked over at Buffy. "I know it's your birthday tomorrow, but perhaps we could have dinner tonight?"

Buffy nodded. "That would be good. It's probably better to skip the birthday this year anyway. I don't need any new emergencies."

~~~~~

Xander wasn't sure how to feel about all of this. Willow was leaving. He'd just been to see her, and it had been a bittersweet parting. He knew she needed help, but he didn't want her to leave.

"I think this is the best thing to do," Willow had said bravely. "And I think Buffy would prefer it if I wasn't around for a while."

Xander hadn't been able to disagree, not with everything that had gone on. The more he found out about what Rack had done to Dawn, and exactly what Willow's role in all of it had been, the less he could blame the Slayer for wanting to put some distance between them.

Willow had messed up big time, and everyone needed a chance to cool down.

So it was for the best, but Xander found himself struggling with what to do next. Willow, his best friend, was leaving. His relationship with Anya was over, even though their break up could have been much more acrimonious. He thought that they'd both realized that their doubts were too big to move forward at the moment. Neither of them was ready for the next step, but Anya wasn't willing to go back to how things had been. Xander didn't think he could blame her for that.

Buffy had Spike now, and Xander knew that he was going to have to get used to having the vampire around. Otherwise, he'd end up losing Buffy too. He was smart enough to know that.

Xander felt as though he didn't have a place anymore. What was he good for? He'd been a lot of dead weight during the last emergency. Spike, Anya, and Tara had been more involved than he was, and they'd done a good job without him. He wasn't really needed.

Still, Xander thought it was only right that he go over to Buffy's to make sure Dawn was okay. He wanted to see with his own eyes that she was unhurt. After all, Dawn was like a little sister to him.

When he arrived, however, everyone else was already standing on the porch, waiting for Buffy to lock up. They were all going out, and Xander felt even more out of place.

And then Dawn grinned at him. "Xander! Where have you been?"

"I went to see Willow before she had to leave," he replied awkwardly. "I wanted to see how you were, but if you all are going out..."

"Don't be silly," Buffy said. "We tried to call, but you weren't home. You're invited too. It's just an early birthday dinner since Giles is leaving tomorrow."

Xander looked around, and even Spike looked—not exactly welcoming, but he didn't appear to care if Xander did join them. Anya even managed a smile for him. "Is the hangover better?"

Xander winced at the reminder, and then resolved to do better. He'd helped get rid of the nerds. He could have helped this time too, if he hadn't drunken himself into a stupor. That was the last time he'd render himself useless. "Yeah, it is, thanks for asking."

"Are you coming, Xander?" Giles asked, trying to curb his impatience. "We really should be going."

Xander nodded. "Yeah, let's go."

It was different, of course. The group would never be the same again. As Dawn came to walk beside him, Xander relaxed. Maybe it was time to let go and move on.

~~~~~

Buffy wondered if she shouldn't be concerned, seeing Dawn and Spike conspiring during dinner. Of course, seeing the two of them, heads together, deep in conversation, was nothing new. They were close, and this thing with Rack had brought them even closer. Buffy wasn't sure exactly what it had been about the situation, but she didn't think she'd have been able to separate them with a crowbar.

She was really glad she had no intention of trying to do anything of the sort.

The dinner had been awkward at first, what with Willow's absence, and Xander and Anya's break up. Giles and Anya had ended up talking about the shop, however, and Tara had drawn Xander out in her gentle way, asking him about his work. Spike and Dawn were obviously planning something, which left Buffy to watch and participate in the conversations when she liked.

It hit her suddenly that she was happy. Really and truly happy. So much had been happening over the last couple of days that Buffy hadn't had time to do anything but deal with the emergency at hand. She hadn't had time to think about missing heaven, or not feeling as though she fit inside her life anymore, or wondering what the heck she was supposed to do next.

Buffy knew in that moment that she would be okay.

"Tara, do you think I could spend the night with you?" Dawn asked from her end of the table.

Tara raised an eyebrow, but she didn't say anything. She had a feeling that she knew exactly why Dawn was making her request. "I don't have a problem with that." Tara looked at Spike, who smirked. Tara shook her head and smiled. Anya and Giles had missed the exchange, since they were still debating on making a larger order for candles, but Xander winced and then dropped his head to look at his plate.

Buffy was impressed by her friend's restraint. She knew that Xander was trying really hard, and when he looked up again, she caught his eye and gave him a grateful smile. Xander grinned back at her in return, and then said, "You know, Buffy, I was thinking about your basement. I know there's still water damage down there. If you want, I could help you fix it. Maybe we could finish it off? That would reduce chances of that happening again."

Buffy hesitated. "I don't know, Xander. I'm not sure we can afford it right now."

"It wouldn't cost much," he said. "And I could cover some of it. I feel like it's the least I can do for you."

"We can talk about it," Buffy replied, her smile widening. "But that would be really good of you."

Xander nodded, satisfied that she would think about it anyway, knowing that if that were all he could contribute, it would still be something.

~~~~~

Buffy stepped into her bedroom, taking in a quick breath. "Spike?"

"Do you like it?"

He'd lit candles all around the room, and they provided a soft glow that gave his normally pale skin a warm color. The shirt he'd worn to dinner was half-unbuttoned, and Buffy could see that he looked nervous. Although why he would appear nervous was beyond her. "It's beautiful, but why?"

"It's your birthday, innit?" he asked softly. "Dawn said they usually turn out pretty bad, and this one hasn't gotten off to a very good start. Figured we'd start a new tradition."

She looked around the room, seeing all the signs of care that Spike had taken. "It's beautiful," she repeated. "No one has ever done anything like this for me before."

Spike took a step forward. "Maybe no one's ever loved you like I have."

"No, I don't think they have," she agreed.

Spike's face softened, his expression tender. "You know that I'd do anythin' for you, right? I'd change. I am changing. I want you to know that I'm always gonna be here for you an' Dawn. You don't have to worry about me, or the chip. You—"

"I love you." Buffy looked amused and touched at the same time. "And I know, Spike. I trust you."

He took a step closer. "So, this thing between us? I'm in it for the long haul, preferably forever."

"I can't promise you forever," she said regretfully. "But how about the next, oh, say seventy years?"

Spike swallowed, hardly able to believe what she was offering him, hardly daring to believe that this was real. It was everything he'd ever wanted from her. "I think I can live with that."

They came together, unable to resist the pull. It was just as good as it had been their first night, and every time after that, but this time they both knew where they stood, even if they weren't quite sure of what the future held for them.

Buffy knew she was as close to heaven as she could get, and she was content.