Author: enigmaticblue <enigmaticblue@yahoo.com>
Rating: Mild R for adult themes and language.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters except for Tim. He's mine. Of course, I don't make money off of any of them. Oh, and the title is from a Patti Griffin song of the same name.
Archive: Anywhere that already has my stuff. Anywhere else, just ask.
Summary: Spike leaves after a slightly altered "Seeing Red," and doesn't come back. This fic is set about five years or so later.
A/N: A few things before we get started.
1) This fic is not Spuffy. Even if you don't normally read anything not Spuffy, I hope you'll stick with me, because I think it'll be good. Who knows? You might surprise yourself by actually liking a different pairing.
2) This fic is darker than my usual. I'm going to be exploring some pretty adult themes including prostitution, sexual abuse, and suicide. It's not going to be graphic, and I'm going to be sensitive, but I wanted to give fair warning.
3) I don't think I really have to say this, but I will anyway. I am not trying to make any kind of political statements with this fic. I'm doing Spara because I like the pairing and for no other reason. Personally, I think sometimes you just fall in love with someone, regardless of gender.
Dedication: For Speaker-to-Customers, who said he wanted me to
try my hand at Spara, and for Heather, who thinks I can write anything,
bless her heart.
Chapter 12
"There is an alchemy in sorrow. It can be transmuted into wisdom,
which, if it does not bring joy, can yet bring happiness." ~Pearl Buck
They hadn't talked about it, but Tara knew Spike's errand was more than a little dangerous. If his duplicity was discovered before he was safely away, the vampire would have a rather nasty fight on his hands. While Tara was certain that Spike could take care of himself, that didn't prevent her from worrying about him.
She had been rather impressed at the fake crystal he'd created. When the two were set side by side, there was no discernable difference. The replica even had the same aura of dark magics, created by the spell Spike had wrought. So really, Spike had a good chance of success. There was no reason to be concerned.
Except that she'd been expecting him for over an hour now.
Tara sighed as she sat, her stomach clenching with hunger. She ought to just go get something to eat. Spike had mentioned going out once he returned, but it was getting late, and she was starving.
Just as she'd made her decision to head out, she heard the click of the lock and Spike stuck his head through the door. "Hungry, luv?"
"Starving," Tara replied. "You were supposed to be back an hour ago."
He shrugged. "The negotiations took a bit longer than I thought." He entered the room fully then, revealing two bags of food. "Got a bit of everything nearly," Spike explained. "Wasn't sure what you'd like."
"Anything right now," Tara said, grabbing one of the bags and pulling out little cardboard boxes. She was amazed at the variety Spike had gotten—several different entrees and appetizers with a range from vegetarian to beef. "I take it you didn't have any trouble selling the crystal."
"Bit of dickering over the price, but no," Spike said through a mouthful of pot sticker and chili sauce. One might be able to call the glint in his eyes evil. "When the wanker tries to use it for the spell, it'll probably blow up on him, so I won't even have to worry 'bout him comin' after me."
She shook her head. "I suppose that's one way to do it." Tara had never really thought of Spike as someone who would hunt demons on his own. He had always been Buffy's shadow or reluctant ally. This was a different Spike, however, as he kept reminding her constantly.
"You gonna soak in the hot tub with me tonight?"
Tara sighed. "I bought a swim suit today, so yes." She gave him a smug little smile. "I also got one for you."
"There was no need for that," Spike protested, but she caught the pleased look on his face. It took so little to touch him. Things she would do for a friend as a matter of course seemed to shock him. He gave her a suspicious look. "'s not one of those Hawaiian numbers, is it? 'cause I'm not wearin' it if it is."
"It's navy blue." Tara grinned at him. "I thought about orange, but I didn't really want to find out if you'd go skinny dipping."
"Good thing, because you would have," he replied. "We'll finish up here an' go in. Should be nice."
Tara wasn't sure how excited she was about it. The hot tub sounded nice, but it required a swimming suit, and she hadn't been in one of those since she'd dated Willow, the summer before Glory. "Should be."
~~~~~
Tim was as relaxed as he ever was. The party seemed to be going well. About half a dozen people had shown up, including Ryan, Meredith, and her boyfriend, Curtis. A dozen pizza boxes lay scattered around and the soda was flowing freely. A couple people had brought six packs of beer, but it wasn't enough for anybody to get drunk, although a few were looking a little buzzed. Two guys were playing Halo 3, while another watched.
Meredith was feeding Luz bits of pepperoni and sausage from her pizza, and Tim was just hoping that the dog didn't eat enough of the greasy meat to make herself sick. The girl glanced up at him guiltily. "Is this okay?" she asked. "I didn't even ask you if you fed Luz scraps or not."
Tim shrugged. "No, it's fine." He gave her a fond look. "She'll eat just about anything."
"Where'd you get her?" Curtis asked, looking on with interest. "She's one great dog."
"In an alley," he replied, wondering how far he wanted to go with this story. Tim did have an edited version that he'd practiced. It wasn't an outright lie, but it avoided the more graphic details. "I guess it was about a year after I started living with Spike when I found her. She was just this filthy, fuzzy puppy. Somebody abandoned her, I guess. I brought her home and convinced Spike we needed to keep her."
The four of them were standing around in the kitchen while everyone else played or watched the game in the living room. "How'd you wind up with Spike?" Ryan asked.
"Fluke, mainly," Tim said quietly. "I wasn't seeing eye to eye with my folks and he gave me a place to crash. When things didn't get better, they pretty much let him have custody."
"Sounds like my parents," Curtis said. "They couldn't wait to get me out of the house."
Meredith shrugged. "My folks are okay. We don't always get along, but they're cool."
There was a moment of uncomfortable silence. Every one of them had a story, some more painful than others. Ryan changed the subject. "So why didn't you invite Dawn tonight, Tim?"
Tim looked surprised. "I did. She said she had some studying to do. Why?" The other three at the table exchanged looks. "What?" Tim asked more insistently.
"We saw her going into one of the frat houses on our way over here," Meredith said. "Curtis lives on campus, so..." She trailed off.
Ryan grimaced. "Look, man, I wouldn't have even said anything, but I thought you and her were together. I thought—"
"She was hanging all over some other guy," Curtis supplied. "We wondered if you two broke it off or something."
Tim frowned. "No, we aren't together, but—Are you sure it was Dawn? It could have been somebody else, right?"
"It was Dawn, Tim," Meredith said quietly. "I'm sure of it. I've had a couple classes with her. That's one of the reasons I was surprised she was at the party last week."
Tim swallowed hard, his eyes going to the white scar on the inside of his forearm. They weren't dating, and he'd had no illusions about that even being a possibility. He'd thought they were friends, however, and friends didn't lie about stuff like that. "So she blew me off then."
"Sorry, Tim," Curtis said softly. "That sucks."
He shook his head. "I guess my first impression was right."
~~~~~
Tara had never been thin. She'd never been dissatisfied with her figure—nor had she been particularly fond of it. Her body had simply been her body. There was so much more to a person than physical form that Tara had always viewed it merely as wrapping. Some wrapping was nicer than others, of course, but it wasn't all that important.
Not that she wasn't physically attracted to different people. Tara had thought Willow beautiful, and there had been others she had met whose physical beauty caused her to do a double-take. But Tara understood that it was what lay underneath that counted.
Perhaps her way of viewing things had been informed by her own development. She'd been big boned as a child, developing early. By the time she was twelve, her breasts had been larger than most girls' her age, pendulous and heavy. Tara had gone from a girl to a woman in one summer, at least physically.
It had been her brother who paid the most attention.
When she was thirteen, Tara had reached her full height, and she had been voluptuous—Rubenesque, some might have said. Donny had been the first to touch her.
He'd never completed his assault. Her father had come upon them as her brother had one hand shoved under her shirt, one hand down her pants. Donny had received a scolding for touching her in such a way.
Tara had gotten her father's belt for enticing him.
So she knew that bodies meant little, even though they could bring pain and possibly unwanted attention. Tara had, after all, spent six years making certain her brother could not complete his assault. That did not explain why she felt self-conscious standing in front of Spike in her bathing suit—a simple one piece that had seemed to flatter her curves in the store.
Spike, however, was all chiseled muscle, white skin pulled taut. He looked like some carved marble statue, and although it had been a very long time since Tara had felt any sort of attraction to a man, she felt something now. Something that was just a little more than simple admiration of his form.
Her self-consciousness vanished at his frankly appreciative gaze. "You look like a bloody recreation of Venus." When Tara flushed, Spike started apologizing. "Didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, Glinda. I don't—"
"No, it's okay," she replied. There was a warmth in her belly that came from being admired—whether the eyes were male or female didn't really matter. She smiled at him—the smile of a woman who knows her own beauty.
The hours for the pool were already over by the time they got there, but Tara followed Spike inside the iron gates anyway. Sometimes it felt good to break the rules.
She watched Spike settle into the hot tub with a sigh of contentment and quickly followed his example. "I didn't know you liked this sort of thing."
"What's not to like?" He lifted an eyebrow. "Hot water, bubbles, attractive female..." The leer was in jest, and she took it as such. "Haven't been able to do this in a good long while."
Tara let out a long breath, letting the heat relax her. "Can I ask you a question?"
Spike laughed. "Is this another one about before I was turned?"
"No, it's one about why you haven't dated since Buffy," Tara replied.
He shook his head. "You don't pull your punches do you?" When Tara looked ready to apologize, he waved her off. "No, 's alright. I'll let you know when 'm not goin' to answer." There was a long pause, during which time Tara was very nearly certain Spike wasn't going to respond. "This is goin' to sound cliché, but I just never met the right person," he finally said. "Could ask you the same about Willow." Spike gave her a serious look. "Birds should be knockin' down your door."
"I loved Willow like you loved Buffy, Spike," Tara replied simply. "It's hard to find someone who can compare. And I don't trust easily anymore."
Spike opened his mouth to speak and then snapped it shut again.
"Go ahead and ask."
"But you trust me?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Even knowin' what I did."
"Even then." Tara moved her hand through the water, the ripples she created invisible against the current created with the bubbles. "I don't know, Spike. I guess you just strike me as a trustworthy guy."
"Demon."
"Man." Her tone was almost sharp. "You shouldn't put yourself down like that."
"'s what I am, luv," Spike said simply. "'ve been a vampire for a long time now, so I should know."
"But you're so much more!" Tara blurted out. "You're—"
"What?"
She was silent. Spike was more than just a demon, but he was right. There was a demon that lived within him. Tara had to wonder if it was his self-deprecation that led him to say what he did, or her refusal to accept him as he was that caused her to deny it. If that was the case, she needed to rethink things. "You're my friend. Demon, man, it doesn't matter."
Spike was surprised to realize that Tara meant it. The fact that he was a vampire meant nothing more to her than he could not go out into the sunlight and he drank blood on occasion. Like Tim, she accepted him for all that he was. "Ta, luv."
He watched her through the steam that drifted up from the surface of the water as she lay her head back against the side and closed her eyes. Spike didn't think he'd ever felt for another woman what he felt for Tara. He wanted her, of course; he was certainly attracted to her physically. But she was out of his reach—and through no fault of his. It wasn't that he was somehow beneath her. Men just weren't her style.
It was love, he knew. Not the all-consuming passion he had felt for Buffy, but a more gentle feeling. She was his friend first, and it was that thought that led Spike to reach out and touch Tara's hand where it floated in the water.
Her eyes fluttered open and for a moment, Spike thought perhaps he had crossed some line. Instead, she simply moved her hand so that their fingers could intertwine.
Spike had never known simply holding someone's hand could bring so much satisfaction.
"Are you glad you came back to Sunnydale, Spike?"
He smiled, his expression enigmatic. "Yeah, Tara. This time I am."
~~~~~
Tim heard Spike enter the apartment moments before daybreak. Sleep had been elusive, and he kept wondering if this was the way things would always be. If he'd always fall in love with girls who wouldn't love him. Who wouldn't even like him.
He watched listlessly as Luz sprang up from her spot on the floor, nudging the door to his room open so she could greet the vampire. There were soft whines of greeting, and then Spike pushed the door open to look at him. "You awake already?"
"More like still," Tim said wryly, and Spike caught the note of pain in his voice that had been absent for a while.
There was a long pause, and then Spike asked, "What happened?"
"Nothing."
Spike sighed. "'m goin' to make some coffee. You getting up now or are you goin' to try and sleep?"
"I'll get up." Tim pushed himself up, listening to the sounds of Spike and Luz in the kitchen. He stared at the scars that lined the inside of his arm. The colored ink was a different way to do it, Tim supposed. It still marked him, but it was less self-destructive and a lot prettier. He'd thought Dawn understood.
"You want to tell me about it?" Spike asked once he'd made his way to the kitchen.
Tim shrugged. "Nothing happened, Spike. I had a party here last night, that's all."
Spike looked around the apartment, noting the lack of destruction. "'m guessin' either the party was a huge success, or it was a total failure."
"Success," Tim replied, his fingers going to the star on his arm.
Spike frowned. "Tim, tell me. You're getting me worried now."
"I invited Dawn, and she didn't show."
Spike blinked, realizing what was going on. "Tim, I'm sorry. Dawn is—"
"A liar," Tim said flatly. "She said she was going to come, and then she told me she had to study for midterms. Meredith and Curtis saw her going to a frat party hanging all over a guy." He looked up at Spike. "She lied to me."
Spike hissed in a breath. He really did understand how Tim was feeling, having been through something similar with Dawn's older sister. "Yeah, looks like she did."
"Is it always going to be this way?" Tim demanded. "I—she's the only one I've ever told about the cutting, you know, and she just blew me off like that. How would she react if I—How could I tell any girl about that?"
Spike didn't have an answer for him. His own love life was not one he could draw comparisons from. Or rather it was, but they were not hopeful. His track record with women seemed to indicate a dismal future.
Except for Tara, but she was just a friend.
"I don't know, lad," Spike finally said. "I'd say you just haven't met the right girl yet, but—well, I haven't either. That's prob'ly not what you wanted to hear."
Tim was blinking rapidly, and Spike could see he was on the verge of tears. His undead heart broke for the boy. Tim didn't need this, and his past made him especially vulnerable to slights of this sort. Dawn probably had meant to spare his feelings by lying, but if there was one thing Tim couldn't handle, it was being lied to.
It was one of the reasons Spike had probably done so well by Tim. He was always brutally honest when it came to relationships.
"This is goin' to sound stupid, but give it some time," Spike said quietly. "We've only just got here, and if we need to go somewhere else—"
Tim could hear the pain in his voice and knew that it was from the thought of leaving Sunnydale—and Tara. Spike would pack up and move again for him. That said something. "No," Tim said quietly. "I mean, Tara's here, and I'm starting to meet people and all. It'll be fine."
Spike only hoped he was right. He had no desire to pick up the shattered
pieces of Tim's heart once again. It hurt both of them too damn badly.