Useless Desires
Author: enigmaticblue <enigmaticblue@yahoo.com>
Rating: Mild R for adult themes and language.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters except for Tim. He's mine. Of course, I don't make money off of any of them. Oh, and the title is from a Patti Griffin song of the same name.
Archive: Anywhere that already has my stuff. Anywhere else, just ask.
Summary: Spike leaves after a slightly altered "Seeing Red," and doesn't come back. This fic is set about five years or so later.
A/N: A few things before we get started.
1) This fic is not Spuffy. Even if you don't normally read anything not Spuffy, I hope you'll stick with me, because I think it'll be good. Who knows? You might surprise yourself by actually liking a different pairing.
2) This fic is darker than my usual. I'm going to be exploring some pretty adult themes including prostitution, sexual abuse, and suicide. It's not going to be graphic, and I'm going to be sensitive, but I wanted to give fair warning.
3) I don't think I really have to say this, but I will anyway. I am
not trying to make any kind of political statements with this fic. I'm
doing Spara because I like the pairing and for no other reason.
Personally,
I think sometimes you just fall in love with someone, regardless of
gender.
Chapter 19
"In real love, you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person." ~Margaret Anderson
Dawn felt a moment of panic upon waking, realizing that she hadn't gone to sleep in her own bed even though that's where she found herself. With a sense of desperation, she tried to remember what had happened the night before. She had been watching TV, and Tim had come by, and he had told her what had happened at the party and then—
She let out her breath, figuring that she must have gone to sleep at some point on the couch. They hadn't said much to one another. In fact, all Dawn really remembered was watching TV with her head on his shoulder. Tim had seemed to sense her need to not be alone, and yet to be silent.
When she emerged from her bedroom, Dawn immediately spotted Tim stretched out on the couch, one arm thrown over his face. His shoes and belt lay on the floor next to him, and he'd pulled the afghan off the back.
Dawn felt a flood of tenderness for him that was new. She had never honestly thought that Tim would be the kind of guy she'd fall for. She had always pictured herself as finding some college guy, maybe pre-law or pre-med. They would finish their degrees together, and have careers. Or maybe he would have been a business major. The main point was that he'd be handsome and successful and intelligent.
Tim was handsome and intelligent, but he wasn't in school, and he'd never given any indication of being interested in getting a degree. His tattoos made it fairly apparent that he wasn't interested in the traditional sense of success, that he belonged to a different world.
Dawn suddenly wanted to be a part of his world with an aching intensity. She wanted him to like her.
A groan startled Dawn out of her thoughts. Tim sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes. "Hey, Dawn," he mumbled. "Hope you didn't mind me staying. It was pretty late."
"No, it's okay," Dawn replied. "Thanks. For staying, you know."
He shrugged. "No big deal. It didn't seem like you wanted to be alone."
"I didn't."
He stood. "I get that." Stifling a yawn, Tim reached for his belt. "I called Spike last night after you fell asleep and let him know what happened. I think Tara's cooking dinner tonight if you want to come over."
"That would be nice," Dawn replied. "It's—it gets too quiet here."
Tim remembered long afternoons and evenings of being at home alone while his parents were at work. He understood how empty a place could become when you were the only one there. "So what are you doing this weekend?" he asked. "Next week's Spring Break, right?"
Dawn shrugged. "I think I passed the make up tests, but I still have those projects to work on, and I have at least two papers that I should write. It's going to be a pretty busy week."
He shrugged. "Well, if you want to get together sometime, I can always bring a book. I don't mind just hanging with you while you do homework or whatever."
It was about the sweetest offer anyone had ever made. Dawn had never had anyone make a suggestion like that before. "Tim—I don't know."
Tim frowned. "What don't you know?"
"I don't know if we should do this."
"Do what?" Tim asked. He stiffened slightly. "Is this the 'let's just be friends' speech? Because if it is—"
"No!" Dawn said quickly, hating that it had come out so wrong. "I mean, yes. Sort of. It's just that I don't think I can do anything other than friendship right now. It's not you, really, it's—"
"You," he said, his jaw tightening. "Don't sweat it. Friends is great."
"Except it really isn't," Dawn said. "I want us to be friends, Tim, but that doesn't mean I'm ruling anything else out. In fact, I'd be happy if it turned into something more. I just—I don't want to lead you on and make you think I'm ready for something that I'm not. But that's now."
Tim stared at her. "You're saying..."
"That I really like you, and I want to get to know you better," Dawn said as clearly as she was able. "But that I need some time before it gets romantic." She blushed. "If that's even where you were going. That probably sounded really self-centered. I'm sorry. I just assumed. I should have—"
He silenced her with a gentle finger on her lips. "I like you too, Dawn, and I want to get to know you better. As for where this is going, we'll go as slow as you want. I've got time."
"Why can't all guys be like you?" Dawn asked plaintively.
Tim, knowing it was a rhetorical question, simply brushed her hair back from her face. "So I'll see you tonight at Tara's?"
"For sure," Dawn replied, feeling the brush of lips on her forehead before he left. His sweetness warmed her to the core.
~~~~~
The shop was usually quiet in the morning, with only the occasional customer dropping in. Spike had pretty much refused to let Tara out of his sight for the past few days, preferring instead to hang about the shop with her. While Tara had never hated her job, having Spike there illuminated just how boring things had been without him around.
At the moment, she was going through the previous day's receipts while Spike glanced through the morning paper. It was such a domestic scene, one Tara had never thought to find the vampire a part of, but she was grateful that he was there.
"Anything interesting?" she asked, knowing what Tim had reported the previous night.
Spike grunted, flipped a page, then got a satisfied smirk on his face. "'s on page three. Drug bust on campus. They didn't release his name, but I'll bet that Tim's friend puts it in the school paper."
Tara came over to stand behind him so she could browse the article. The story went on to give some statistics on what rohypnol was typically used for and how often it showed up, as well as tips for women to prevent being taken advantage of. "Are you still going to go after him?"
Spike gave her an incredulous look. "Just because they arrested the git doesn't mean he won't do it again. I plan on makin' sure he believes I'm goin' to be right around every corner for the rest of his bleedin' life."
Tara had a hard time arguing with that. Now that they knew both that Dawn really had been drugged and that it had been Alan, she was much less inclined to prevent Spike from going after the boy.
He was a bully, and Tara had never liked bullies.
"As long as you leave him in one piece," she cautioned.
Spike grinned. "He'll survive. More than that, 'm not goin' to promise."
She sighed, shaking her head, deciding that it wasn't worth it to argue the point. As long as Spike didn't kill him. The ringing of the phone had her leaving his side. "The Magic Box. This is Tara. How may I—"
The voice on the other end was eminently familiar. "Hello, Tara."
"Giles!" She hadn't heard from Giles in a couple of weeks. They tried to touch base at least once a month, but the Watcher had largely left the running of the store in her capable hands. "How are you?"
"Quite well, thank you," he replied. "And you?"
"I'm fine," she replied. "It's good to hear from you."
A little more warmth edged into his tone. "Likewise, Tara. I'm sorry it's been so long since I've called. The Council has kept me busy these last weeks."
They made small talk for the next few minutes, exchanging news and shoptalk. Tara had told him about Spike returning and hiring Tim not long after they had arrived in Sunnydale. Although Giles had voiced his doubts, in the end he'd allowed her to do what she liked.
Tara had no desire to hide her relationship with Spike from the older man. Even though she respected him a great deal, Tara had struggled too hard to become her own person to truly care what he thought. Or, even though she might care, it wasn't going to keep her from doing something she felt was right for her.
Even so, she wasn't in a huge hurry to let Giles know that she was with Spike now either. It wasn't really any of his business.
"How is Dawn?" Giles asked after a few minutes. "I know you said you had some concerns about her last time we talked." Tara bit her lip, not knowing how much to tell him. Catching her hesitation, and correctly guessing the reasons behind it, Giles asked, "What happened?"
"She's been in some trouble," Tara finally said slowly. "I think she's trying to make some changes though. It's not really something I feel as though I should tell you about."
Tara knew that he had probably pulled off his glasses and was cleaning them on the other end. "I see. Well, I suppose this might be the time to let you know that I'm coming back to Sunnydale on a visit."
"When will you be here?"
"I'll be arriving in a week," Giles replied. "I should probably also tell you now that 'Willow' won't be joining me."
Tara was quiet for a moment. "Any reason?"
"She said she didn't want to interrupt her studies, but I have the sense that she feels it's too great a risk at this time. 'Willow' still isn't quite ready to face—Sunnydale."
'Willow' wasn't quite ready to face her, Tara knew, and for the moment she felt only relief. "Tell her that we'll miss her, but that we understand."
"Have you spoken to Xander recently?" Giles asked.
His question surprised her, since the Watcher rarely asked after Xander. "No, why?"
"Anya will be accompanying me, and I realize that it might make for some awkwardness if Xander was present."
The embarrassed note in Giles' voice caught Tara's attention, and the truth hit her immediately. "I won't mention it if I see him, if that's what you'd like."
"That might be for the best," Giles replied quietly. "How is Spike?"
"He's good," Tara said, biting her lip to hold back the giggle at that double entendre. "He's pretty busy keeping the Hellmouth in check."
There was a long pause, and then Giles said, sounding terribly reluctant, "Please let him know that I'd like to talk to talk to him while I'm in town. I have a few things I'd like to discuss."
"Of course," Tara replied, quickly saying her goodbyes.
"What's the Watcher want?" Spike asked once she'd hung up.
Tara sighed. "He's coming to town."
"Well, won't that be pleasant," Spike muttered sarcastically.
Tara walked over to him, tipping up his chin with gentle fingers. "I love you," she said. "Giles being in town doesn't change anything. I'm an adult now, and fully capable of deciding who I want to be with."
It sounded almost too good to be true, but Spike decided against arguing with her. "Love you too, Tara."
She could still see the doubt in his eyes, and although she knew where it came from, it still hurt. Tara wondered if Spike would ever completely trust in her love for him.
~~~~~
For the first time in days, Tim and Spike were home at the same time. "You and Tara have been hanging out a lot," Tim said knowingly as they entered the apartment after having dinner at Tara's.
Spike was silent for a moment before saying reluctantly, "Yeah. We're—"
"Together?" Tim asked, sounding amused. "Spike, it's obvious that she really digs you."
Spike shrugged. "She said she loved me."
Tim's eyebrows shot up. "You guys are in love?" He grinned. "That's great." At Spike's silence, he frowned. "Isn't it?"
"Yeah, it's great," Spike allowed. "But—Buffy's Watcher is comin' to town."
"And you're afraid she's going to dump you when that happens?" the boy asked. "Tara's not that kind of girl. If she says she loves you, she means it."
"What about you an' Dawn?" Spike asked, quickly changing the subject. "You two seemed fairly cozy tonight."
Tim shrugged. It was his turn to look uncomfortable. "We're just friends. Dawn said she wanted to take things slow, you know?"
"She said that?" The vampire raised an eyebrow. "That typically means it's goin' somewhere after then."
"Maybe," Tim said doubtfully. "I don't think I'm her type."
"I don't think Dawn knows what 'her type' is," Spike said, his lips twisting into a half smile. "Speakin' of Dawn, 'm goin' huntin' tonight. Might see if I could hunt up that bastard that slipped somethin' in her drink. You wanna come with me?"
Tim had to think about it for all of two seconds. "Will you let me get a hit in?"
"I think that could be arranged."