Useless Desires

Author: enigmaticblue <enigmaticblue@yahoo.com>

Rating: Mild R for adult themes and language.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters except for Tim. He's mine. Of course, I don't make money off of any of them. Oh, and the title is from a Patti Griffin song of the same name.

Archive: Anywhere that already has my stuff. Anywhere else, just ask.

Summary: Spike leaves after a slightly altered "Seeing Red," and doesn't come back. This fic is set about five years or so later.

A/N: A few things before we get started.

1) This fic is not Spuffy. Even if you don't normally read anything not Spuffy, I hope you'll stick with me, because I think it'll be good. Who knows? You might surprise yourself by actually liking a different pairing.

2) This fic is darker than my usual. I'm going to be exploring some pretty adult themes including prostitution, sexual abuse, and suicide. It's not going to be graphic, and I'm going to be sensitive, but I wanted to give fair warning.

3) I don't think I really have to say this, but I will anyway. I am not trying to make any kind of political statements with this fic. I'm doing Spara because I like the pairing and for no other reason. Personally, I think sometimes you just fall in love with someone, regardless of gender.

Dedication: For Speaker-to-Customers, who said he wanted me to try my hand at Spara, and for Heather, who thinks I can write anything, bless her heart.  

Chapter 23

"Love is everything it's cracked up to be...It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for." ~Erica Jong

"I don't see why you're nervous," Anya said bluntly. Of course, Giles thought, Anya was rarely anything but blunt. It had been a trait he admired.

It was harder to appreciate when you were on the receiving end.

"There is a very good chance that we'll run into Xander while we're in Sunnydale," he pointed out patiently.

Anya gave him an incredulous look. "Rupert, I don't even like Xander anymore. I'm with you. You're a much better lover, and you're always respectful."

Giles couldn't find much to argue about in that assessment. He credited extraordinary good luck that she'd deign to be with him in the first place. When he'd run into her for the first time in years at Buffy's funeral, they had struck up a conversation by default. Willow and Xander had been hovering together, and Tara had been comforting an inconsolable Dawn, leaving them to their own devices.

Eventually, they had moved their conversation from the house on Revello to Giles' hotel room, and the upshot was that Anya ended up returning to England with him. She had long since given up the running of the Magic Box. That was solely Tara's responsibility and had been since Anya had become a vengeance demon again.

Giles often wondered what had possessed him, that he should fall in love with a demon. He had a greater appreciation these days for Buffy's tendency to fall for men of the undead persuasion. The Watcher had also found that it was possible to live in the land of denial indefinitely. It was easier to pretend that the woman he loved had a normal job, rather than being someone who wreaked vengeance on hapless men.

Well, not so hapless, really. Anya was a little more discriminating about who she took on and what she did to them these days. What she had lost in blood and guts she made up for in creativity and imagination.

So now he found himself heading back to Sunnydale with Anya on his arm, knowing that everything had changed. Buffy was gone for good. It had been almost a year at this point, and Giles was just now coming to accept that fact.

Willow had decided to stay with the coven. She was not ready to be out on her own, and he wondered if she ever would be. Her power was still too great to be unfettered. Perhaps with age she would learn control—and when to release control, which was the more difficult lesson.

It wasn't so much that Giles was concerned that Anya would take one look at Xander and leave him. She was quite vocal in her appreciation, and that was always a balm to his ego. No, it was more that he was concerned about what Xander's reaction would be, and what Sunnydale would be like now that everything had changed.

Some of the best years of his life had been spent as a Watcher there. It hurt to know how much had changed.

"I'm not concerned about you going back to Xander," Giles replied. "You're much too intelligent a woman for that. It's simply..."

As he trailed off, Anya easily filled in the blanks. "Everything has changed."

She stunned him with her perceptiveness. "Yes. Everything is different now."

"Sometimes change is good, Rupert," Anya said quietly. "Not that Buffy dying was good, but—what we have is good."

Giles took her hand. "Yes. This is very good."

~~~~~

Tara told herself that she wasn't nervous. Dawn had flatly refused to come. "I have a class," she'd explained. "Besides, I don't want to have to explain what's been going on."

She understood. Giles was the nearest thing to a father-figure that Dawn had, even if he had been somewhat distant since the Slayer's death. Having to explain to your father what had happened to her would be difficult under the best of circumstances. In the end, Tara had reluctantly agreed to tell Giles what had happened, knowing that it would probably be easier.

Dawn was trying so hard right now to turn her life around that Tara had no problem wanting to make things a little easier.

Tim had been very quiet when she'd seen him earlier, answering her questions distractedly. Tara knew he'd taken Dawn with him to the beach party, and she also knew that it had gone rather well. Dawn had sounded very much like her old self when she'd described their date to Tara, gushing over the small details with girlish glee.

There had been nothing there to account for Tim's more somber mood. Nothing except for Dawn's comment when Tara asked how she was holding up. "I'm fine, Tara. There are other people who've had a lot worse things happen to them, so I figure it's time to fix my mistakes and move on."

Tara sighed. Spike had been rather scarce the last couple days. She had felt the change in him soon after Giles' call. It wasn't anything she could put her finger on, but Tara thought perhaps that the vampire was withdrawing slightly, preparing himself for the worst when Giles got into town.

While it hurt, she did understand. Tara had a great deal of respect for other people's scars.

The blonde witch watched as Giles and Anya came towards her. Even though they weren't touching, she immediately sensed the closeness. More than that, Giles seemed more relaxed, happier than he'd been in a long time.

The smile of greeting he gave her was warm and genuine, as was the brief hug. "It's good to see you again, Tara."

"Same here," she said, turning to Anya with a smile. Although they'd never been close, Tara felt a bond of kinship with the other woman—or demon now. They had been the least of the Scoobies. "Hi, Anya."

Anya surprised her by accepting Tara's embrace. "Hello. You're looking—" The demon's sharp eyes took in the faint signs of happiness. "—very well."

"You too." There was an awkward pause as they all looked at each other and wondered what to say next.

Giles cleared his throat. "Did you close up the shop for the afternoon?"

"No, Tim's taking care of things." At Giles' slightly skeptical look, Tara added, "Tim took care of the shop while I was in L.A. He's very competent."

"I don't doubt it," the Watcher replied, relaxing slightly. "I know you wouldn't hire someone untrustworthy. Is Dawn—?"

"In class," Tara replied, watching the baggage carousel go round. "She didn't want to miss any more, otherwise she would have been here."

Giles frowned. "I see. You said she was in some trouble."

Tara was quiet. "She was. Dawnie's been working really hard at getting things back on track though. She wanted me to tell you what happened."

"Do we want to know?" Anya asked. "Or is this something that will require me to work? Because this is a vacation."

Tara smiled, knowing that behind Anya's seemingly self-centered question was a lot of heart. "I think Spike took care of the vengeance. Spike and Tim."

Giles drew in a deep breath and then let it out again with a sigh. "I see."

As quickly as possible, Tara sketched out the details of the story, including Tim's calling the cops and Spike's hunting party. "The last we heard, he took the plea bargain and is going on probation."

"That's ridiculous," Giles said, a touch of Ripper in his voice. "He ought to be spending a few years in prison at least."

Tara smiled wistfully. "I agree, but they couldn't prove that he actually used the drugs, or that he distributed them. Besides, it was a first-time offense and his parents have the money to hire the best lawyer around. We're lucky we got as much as we did."

Anya snorted. "All Dawn has to do is say the word, and I'll have his balls on a platter."

For once, Giles had no problem with her vengeance schemes. "I'm grateful that she came to you, Tara. At least she's going down a different path."

"Dawn didn't come to me," Tara replied. "She went to Spike."

There was a long silence. "Then what you told me is true."

"Even without the soul, Dawn probably would have made the same choice," the witch said. "She and Spike were always close."

Giles pursed his lips. "I remember that."

"How are you and Spike getting along?" Anya asked innocently, although there was more than a modicum of knowledge behind her eyes.

Tara gave the demon a slightly dirty look. "We're getting along just fine."

Giles decided to ignore what was going on right under his nose. It was, after all, what he was good at. "I would like to talk to him about his decision," the Watcher said quietly. "As well as his plans for remaining on the Hellmouth." His lips twisted in a wry grin. "The Council has been aware of the necessity to have some sort of protector here for quite a while now, although no one has come up with a constructive solution. This might just be what we've been looking for."

"I'm sure Spike will be thrilled to hear about it," Tara said, a certain amount of sarcasm in her tone. She was a little worried about Spike's reaction to Giles' request. While she didn't believe that the vampire was planning on leaving Sunnydale anytime in the near future, it wasn't something they had talked about. She wondered if Spike wouldn't decide that he didn't want to be tied down to her and then leave.

Tara couldn't imagine life without him at this point.

"I wasn't sure where you'd planned on staying," Tara said quietly. "You're both more than welcome to stay with me, if you like."

Giles shook his head. "I didn't want to intrude. I've already booked a room at the hotel."

"Then I hope you'll let me cook dinner for you tonight," Tara said, her hospitable nature driving her to make the offer. "It's the least I can do."

"That will be nice," Anya replied for the both of them. She had been fairly certain that this trip had the potential to be quite amiable, with Willow back in England and Buffy gone. As long as they didn't run into Xander, things would be fine. Because as secure as the vengeance demon felt about her relationship with Giles, she was also well aware of the potential for trouble.

Very well aware indeed.

~~~~~

Dawn recognized the signs of nerves when she saw them. Tim was fiddling with things—filling containers that didn't need to be filled, straightening signs that were perfectly aligned, dusting when he'd already done it. She had come to the Magic Box immediately after her last class, having finally caught up on all her reading and assignments.

It seemed that it might be time for a well-deserved break, and right in time for Giles' return to town, too.

She hadn't seen much of Tim since they'd gone to the beach on Friday. Dawn knew that withdrawal was a natural reaction after you'd shared such a big secret. Of course, knowing that, the girl had no plans to allow it.

"You going to Tara's for dinner tonight?" Dawn asked out of the blue, startling him.

Tim, who hadn't heard her come in, clutched at the counter. "Dawn. Uh, what?"

"Are you going to Tara's for dinner tonight?" she repeated patiently. "She's cooking dinner for Giles and Anya, and wants me to be there. I'm pretty sure you and Spike are invited too."

Tim hesitated. "I don't know, Dawn. You guys should probably get caught up before we intrude."

"It's not intruding," Dawn said, rolling her eyes. "You're practically family."

Tim frowned. "I don't think—"

"And if you don't want to come as family, you can come as my boyfriend," she continued relentlessly.

Tim blinked. "We're dating?"

"Well, we're definitely doing something," Dawn replied with an impish grin. "If we're not dating now, we're moving in that direction."

He blinked. Dawn had been extremely supportive after he'd told her what had happened to him, but there had still been the fear that she would pull back, that she would decide that being friends was enough. Instead, here she was informing him that they were dating already.

Tim had never actually had a steady girlfriend. "You're—" He swallowed hard. "Okay."

"I won't take back what I said, Tim." Dawn grabbed his hand impulsively. "I don't care what's happened in the past. We both—" She paused. "We've both been damaged, but that's okay, because we can be strong for each other."

He dipped his head and then nodded. "I'm not that strong."

"Neither am I," Dawn replied. "So I guess that makes us even."

"Even is good," Tim agreed. "I can deal with even."

~~~~~

Spike had seriously considered to refusing Tara's invitation for dinner. He didn't particularly want to see Giles again, and there were less than wonderful memories surrounding Anya as well.

Not that their brief time together had been at all horrible. It had been what it was meant to be—the eye of the storm. Solace. Warmth.

Until Xander came in and ruined it. Until Buffy had saved him and damned him all at the same time. All hope had died when Spike saw her face. The Slayer might have left him, but she would never forgive him for sleeping with one of her friends.

It was just another one of those instances where life was terribly unfair.

So Spike didn't have any desire to see the old gang. Xander had been an annoyance; Tara a pleasant surprise. The way his luck tended to go, Spike doubted that his reunion with Giles and Anya would be positive.

Still, Tara had invited him to come, and she had done so in such a way as to let him know that she wanted him there. Spike would need a much better excuse than he had in order to skip out.

"I'm glad you came," Tara said quietly, giving him a quick kiss on the lips as she opened the door. "Giles and Anya should be here shortly, and Dawn and Tim are planning on being here as well, just as soon as the shop is closed."

Spike raised an eyebrow. "Didn't know the Bit was bringin' Tim."

"She's trying to convince him that they're an item, and therefore he's required to be here," Tara said with an amused smile. "So far, I think it's working."

"Good for them," Spike murmured. He stood with his hands in his pockets, not having felt quite so nervous in the witch's company for weeks now. "You need me to do anything?"

Tara gave him a look. "You can make yourself comfortable," she suggested.

Spike looked away, refusing to meet her eyes. "Still don't get why you want me here tonight, Glinda."

"So I can prove once and for all that I'm not going to change my mind about us," Tara said, a touch of exasperation entering her voice. "I am not Buffy, Spike. I've had enough people want to hide a relationship with me to know how it feels, and I'm not doing that to you."

He frowned. "What are you talkin' about?"

"After Willow and I started seeing each other, it took her a long time to introduce me to the others," Tara explained. "Even as a friend. At the time, I was so happy just to have found her that I didn't argue about it, but looking back..."

Spike hurried to comfort her, as was always his first instinct. "She pro'ly wanted to keep you to herself, luv."

"Is that what Buffy said about your relationship?"

The tables had been turned so fast, Spike answered honestly, without thought of trying to save face. "No. I knew she was ashamed of it, but I just wanted to be with her. Thought it would be enough, that she would come around."

"How better to make you believe that I'm serious than to bring this all out into the open now?" Tara demanded. "I love you, and I'm not ashamed of that. You're worth me loving you."

Spike frowned, wonder beginning to kindle in the depths of his eyes. "What are you tryin' to say?"

"I'm trying to say that this isn't about me, Spike. This is about you. I love you because of who you are, not because of anything you can do for me." She suddenly smiled radiantly. "Except make me happy. You're really good at making me happy."

"So when Rupert arrives—"

"I expect to look like a woman who has been thoroughly kissed," Tara finished. "That should remove all doubt."

Tara honestly didn't care about removing Giles' doubt; it was Spike's she was concerned about. And as the last vestiges of fear vanished from his eyes, she felt her heart leap in her chest.

She had done that. She had put that look on his face—the look of a starving man finding himself in front of a feast, with all impediments removed. It was a power rush.

It also made her wish that their guests weren't arriving in ten minutes.