Useless Desires

Author: enigmaticblue <enigmaticblue@yahoo.com>

Rating: Mild R for adult themes and language.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters except for Tim. He's mine. Of course, I don't make money off of any of them. Oh, and the title is from a Patti Griffin song of the same name.

Archive: Anywhere that already has my stuff. Anywhere else, just ask.

Summary: Spike leaves after a slightly altered "Seeing Red," and doesn't come back. This fic is set about five years or so later.

A/N: A few things before we get started.

1) This fic is not Spuffy. Even if you don't normally read anything not Spuffy, I hope you'll stick with me, because I think it'll be good. Who knows? You might surprise yourself by actually liking a different pairing.

2) This fic is darker than my usual. I'm going to be exploring some pretty adult themes including prostitution, sexual abuse, and suicide. It's not going to be graphic, and I'm going to be sensitive, but I wanted to give fair warning.

3) I don't think I really have to say this, but I will anyway. I am not trying to make any kind of political statements with this fic. I'm doing Spara because I like the pairing and for no other reason. Personally, I think sometimes you just fall in love with someone, regardless of gender.

Dedication: For Speaker-to-Customers, who said he wanted me to try my hand at Spara, and for Heather, who thinks I can write anything, bless her heart.  

Chapter 24

"We can only learn to love by loving." ~Iris Murdoch

When Giles arrived with Anya, he found Tara looking rather smug and Spike looking much the same as he always had. The two men stared at one another for a long moment, and then Giles nodded stiffly. "Spike."

"Rupert," the vampire replied with a slight twist of his lips. He graced Anya with a full-fledged smile. "Anya. You're lookin' lovely as ever."

The vengeance demon smiled, accepting the compliment as her due. "Thank you, Spike. You're looking well yourself."

There was a long, awkward silence, since no one really knew quite what to say. "Tara says you're keeping tabs on the Hellmouth, Spike," Giles finally said, breaking the silence.

Spike shrugged. "Doin' my best, I s'pose. Someone's got to, right?"

"Yes, well, I'm afraid that the Council doesn't have the resources to spare for Sunnydale right now," Giles stated.

With a lifted eyebrow, Spike asked, "Doesn't or won't? Seems to me like this town isn't real high on their list of priorities now that there isn't a Slayer here."

"That's true enough," Giles replied with a sigh. "I would like to talk to you about staying on, however. We could certainly use your help."

"Don't really care about that," Spike said, off-handedly. "Long as Tara's here, I'll keep things in check. No sense in lettin' the vamps get out of hand when I'm right here, yeah?"

Tara, who had returned to the kitchen to put the finishing touches on dinner, blushed as she overheard his words. Spike was staying in Sunnydale, for her. He was going to make sure the Hellmouth was under guard, again for her. Not that she needed his help—she'd been doing just fine on her own—but she still got a little thrill.

"You look good," Anya commented.

Tara turned to smile at the other woman. "So do you. How are—you and Giles?"

"We're good," Anya said. Then more firmly yet, stated, "Actually, we're really good. I never thought I would fall in love again after Xander."

"Neither did I. After Willow, I mean," Tara replied, pulling the casserole out of the oven. "I especially didn't expect for it to be with Spike."

"Aren't those the best kinds of romances, though?" Anya asked. "The unexpected ones?"

"I suppose they are," Tara replied, thinking not only of Spike, but also of Willow. Both had seemed to occur out of the blue. Her eyes met Anya's in a moment of shared understanding. "I'm glad you came with Giles this time, Anya."

Anya smiled. "You know," she announced. "I think you are a very nice person."

~~~~~

Tim was feeling rather nervous. He supposed it was only natural when meeting a girl's family for the first time, but the circumstances around Dawn's case were unique. Tara and Spike were family, but he'd made their acquaintance before hers. This Giles guy, however, was not only owner of the shop (and therefore his boss in a very removed sense), but also the closest thing Dawn had to a father figure.

Somehow, Tim didn't think he was any father's ideal of a boyfriend.

"It's going to be fine," Dawn assured him. "There's no way that you could freak Giles out more than some of my sister's boyfriends."

Tim was willing to let himself be distracted. "Really?"

"Well, there was Angel," Dawn said. "He was a vampire with a soul, who then turned into a monster when she slept with him."

"Ouch," Tim muttered, thinking about how shitty that had probably been.

Dawn moved a little closer to him. "Pretty much. In fact, Angel tortured Giles, so you can see why Giles wouldn't like him."

"Makes sense," Tim replied. He was beginning to relax slightly. A few tattoos were nothing compared to being undead, he supposed. "What about her other boyfriends?"

"Well, there was the Parker incident," Dawn said wryly. "He was almost as bad as Alan. And then there was Riley, who got himself sucked on by vampire 'hos because he wanted to feel needed or something. Whatever the excuse, it was stupid."

Tim didn't have any trouble agreeing with that. "Sounds like it. You're sister was interesting, wasn't she?"

"She was," Dawn replied softly, suddenly turning serious. "I really miss her."

Tim squeezed her hand. "I wish I could have met her," he replied. "She sounds like she was almost as cool as you."

Dawn blushed and then smiled. "Well, she was the superhero in the family. I'm just a mystical Key."

"Like that isn't special enough," he said. "So what is this 'key' business anyway?"

They were at Tara's house by now, and Dawn shook her head. "That's a really, really long story, but I promise to tell you the whole thing soon. It might freak you out completely, though."

"You afraid I'm going to run off?" Tim asked incredulously. "I was practically raised by a vampire."

Dawn laughed a little. "No, I don't think you're the running kind."

"Really not," Tim agreed. He was staring at her lips, and he wanted to kiss her. Tim also knew that Dawn probably should be the one to initiate anything romantic, given her recent history. She would need to feel like she was in control; he understood that.

Dawn simply smiled. "So, you ready for this?"

"As I'll ever be."

~~~~~

It wasn't as bad as it could have been. The conversation was slow in spots; silences often hung when no one knew what to say. Giles didn't say anything to antagonize either Spike or Tim, however, and Spike was similarly on his best behavior.

The soul probably helped with that a bit.

The Watcher was a little stiff around Dawn, but that wore off after a while, and he started to warm up to Tim after it became obvious how much they liked each other. The boy's gentle spirit was clear in the way he spoke and interacted, and Giles couldn't help but notice.

Spike, on the other hand, seemed remarkably unchanged, although he seemed to possess more self-control. If Tara hadn't been so certain that Spike now had a soul, Giles would have remained unaware of the change.

After a few hours and a good meal, everyone had relaxed. Giles finally thought the time might be right to address the issue of payment. Even though Spike was committed to remaining in Sunnydale, Giles had authorization to offer him payment to do so. There was no harm in ensuring the vampire's cooperation.

Besides, Giles had the feeling that any financial aid he might extend to Spike would eventually find its way to Tara or Dawn. That seemed rather apparent.

"The Council is prepared to offer you a deal, Spike," Giles said quietly after a lull in the conversation. "Payment in exchange for making sure nothing opens the Hellmouth."

Spike frowned. "Already told you I was stayin'," he objected. "Why would you think I'd need payment?"

"I don't think you do," Giles replied mildly. "I simply thought it might be nice for you to have a regular stipend. Besides, the Council is unaware of your present...attachment."

Spike gave him a wary look, and then a slow grin broke out over his features. "You're sayin' that you lot are goin' to be payin' me for somethin' I want to do anyway?"

"Something like that."

Spike exchanged a look with Tim, who snorted. "That sounds too good to be true," the young man commented. "There isn't a catch?"

"No catch," Giles assured them. "Other than the fact that we need someone here now that there isn't a Slayer available. The current Slayer is needed elsewhere, and when Tara mentioned your presence and the fact that you had a soul, you seemed a perfect solution, Spike. We had no idea that you might stay without some kind of compensation."

Spike laughed. "Shows how much you lot know. Yeah, sure. I'm not turnin' down a steady stream of dosh. Somebody's got to pay the rent."

"Very well," Giles said. "Then I presume we have a deal."

"Why not?" Spike asked flippantly. "Not like my plans are changin'." He shot Tara a look that was full of promise. "I'll stay as long as Tara's here."

~~~~~

Tim and Spike had both stepped out to the back porch to have a smoke, and Anya was helping Tara in the kitchen, leaving Dawn alone with Giles. Dawn had the feeling that the others had left for that purpose alone, to give her time to talk privately with her sister's Watcher.

Their relationship was an odd one these days. They'd never shared the closeness that had formed between him and Buffy. In fact, Dawn had the sense that Giles had always regarded her as more of an annoyance than anything else. Perhaps things had changed the last few years. He'd certainly been more than kind after Buffy's death, helping her to sell the house and invest both the proceeds and the insurance money. Even after Giles had left for England again, he would call her once or twice a month to check in.

As time passed, however, both of them had let their relationship go. Even if he was the closest thing to a father figure she had, Giles would always be Buffy's Watcher first and foremost.

"Tara told me what happened," he said quietly, once they were alone.

Dawn glanced down at the carpet, staring at the various flecks of color. "Yeah."

"I'm so very sorry," he said quietly. "I wish I had been here. Perhaps I would have been able to do something, or—"

"It wasn't anyone else's fault," Dawn replied quietly. "I'm even beginning to believe that it wasn't mine."

Giles tried to smile, but couldn't quite manage it. "I'm glad to hear that. Are you and Tim—"

"Sort of," she replied. "I mean, we're friends. I think it could be more in time."

Giles did manage a smile this time. "He seems like a very nice lad."

"I think he is," Dawn replied. "He understands, and he's been...Everyone's been really great."

Giles was quiet for a long moment. "I miss her, too, Dawn. Every day."

Dawn nodded. "I know. I just—I know."

Tentatively, Giles put his arm around her shoulders, uncomfortable but feeling as though it was the thing to do. Dawn simply rested her head on his shoulder, smelling his familiar aftershave. It wasn't her mom, or Buffy, but it was comforting all the same.

It was, in some strange way, like coming home.

~~~~~

"Did you really mean it?" Tara asked softly. Everyone had gone home, and Spike had left to patrol, only to return a couple hours later. All the promise inherent in his embrace earlier had been more than satisfied.

Spike lazily ran his fingers along her arm, only to rest his hand on her stomach, just below her breast. She shivered as his thumb began to make slow circles on her bare skin. "Mean what, luv?" he asked idly, wondering what ought to come next.

Tara looked over at the vampire, who was as relaxed as she'd ever seen him. Spike's doubts had been completely banished, she realized. His new assurance had certain benefits for her as well, as he'd made certain that she was one happy witch. "That you'd stay in Sunnydale for me."

"What other reason would I stay?" he asked, puzzled.

"Dawn?" Tara pointed out.

Spike frowned. "I s'pose, but it's not a good enough reason, frankly. Dawn's got her own life, an' one of these days she'll move on. I'm not plannin' on followin' her around. She ever needs me, I'll be there, of course, but—'s not the same."

"No, it's not," Tara acknowledged. "I just thought—I wasn't sure how you felt."

He stared at her. "Told you I loved you."

"I know, but—" She sighed. "I wasn't sure it was the same."

Spike knew instantly what Tara was referring to, and he understood. Hadn't he expressed similar doubts? How was it that Tara could love Willow and then turn around and love him? "It's not the same," he replied thoughtfully. "It's—it's better, actually." At the surprise in her eyes, Spike continued. "You're not ashamed of me, pet. How could it not be better?"

Tara raised a hand to caress his face, rubbing the pad of her thumb over his full lower lip. "You are so important to me," she confessed. "I don't know what I would do if..."

"Nothin's gonna happen," he said fiercely. "I'm yours, Tara-luv."

He meant it, Tara knew, body, heart, and soul. Spike devoted himself wholeheartedly to whatever cause he'd deemed worthy, and for some reason, that was her. "You're mine," she replied softly. "And I'm yours."

~~~~~

Tim smiled at her nervously. "So here we are."

"Yep," Dawn agreed. "Do you want to come in? We could watch a movie."

He opened his mouth to refuse and then shut it again. Tim couldn't get enough of Dawn, of her presence. Every time he saw her, he fell a little more in love with her.

Tim didn't think he'd mind waiting forever if Dawn asked him to, just as long as she let him remain close by.

"Sure," he replied, following her inside her apartment. "I'd bet that Spike goes back to Tara's tonight anyway."

Dawn shot a curious look. "Do you mind?" She headed for the kitchen and opened the fridge. "Soda?"

"Yeah, thanks," he replied. "What do you mean?"

"Do you mind that they're together?" Dawn asked. "I know Spike's spending a lot of time with Tara. I just thought it might be weird for you, being in your apartment by yourself all the time."

"He's happy," Tim said simply. "Besides, Luz is decent company, and I've got friends. It's not like we hung out constantly before this or anything."

Dawn came over to sit next to him on the couch, handing him the soda can. "What was it like? Living with Spike?"

"I don't know," Tim frowned. "It's—it's hard to describe. Why?"

Dawn was quiet for a moment. "I used to have this fantasy," she explained. "Where I got to live with Spike. It was the year my sister came back—you know, from the dead. Things were just crazy, and I kept remembering how it was when Spike was taking care of me. I wished that I could live with him, or that he and Buffy would get together and he could come live with us."

"It was different," Tim finally said. "Different than living with my folks, I mean. I never really saw them. It wasn't like I didn't have everything I needed, but they were never there. They were always at work or out with friends or business associates or whatever. When I started living with Spike, he always wanted to know where I was going and who with. He—he cared."

Dawn smiled wistfully. "Exactly." She glanced over at him. "I promised I'd tell you about me being the Key, didn't I?"

"Yeah," Tim said. "Is it a long story?"

"You could say that," Dawn replied. "Will Luz be okay by herself for a while?"

Tim smiled. "I think she'll survive. So, what's the Key?"

"The Key," Dawn said, settling down on the couch, her arm and leg just touching his, "is me."