Subject: [SpikesSalvation] Phoenix Dreams- Chapter 22 Date: Fri, 31 Oct 2003 13:28:37 -0800 (PST) From: Jerusha Hancock Reply-To: SpikesSalvation@yahoogroups.com To: SpikesSalvation@yahoogroups.com Chapter 22 "Uh, hi," Buffy said nervously as William opened the door to his apartment. He smiled, equally nervous. "Come on in. Glad you could make it, luv." William stepped aside to let her enter. "Dawn should be right behind me. She thought she might have to leave early, so we thought we'd take separate cars." Buffy tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and handed him the bottle of red wine. "I hope you like." "'m sure I will," he smiled. "Hope you like lasagna. My specialty." "It smells fabulous." There was a long, awkward pause, and Buffy finally said, "So, Angel has Ty tonight?" William glanced over at her, gesturing to the table set for three. "Yeah, it's a regular thing. You wouldn't think it of the big poof, but he and Ty are fast friends. Though, I think he an' Emmie were takin' Ty to a movie tonight. Nice to see those two are finally getting along." "They were fighting?" Buffy asked. She hadn't really gotten that vibe from either of them. He shook his head. "No, but they've been fightin' this thing for about the last year. Could see it comin' from about a mile away, you know." Buffy didn't know, but then she hadn't been around. "You know, Spike—" She broke off. "Sorry. William." "No," he interrupted. "S'okay if you call me Spike, Buffy. Sounds right comin' out of your mouth somehow." She smiled relflexively. "It feels right," she admitted. She might have said more, but there was a knock on the door, and then Dawn was there. The evening went better than any of them had hoped. There was the usual talk over dinner, of things they were doing, of things they had done, all in the recent past. Dawn talked about how graduate school was going, as well as how she liked working with Wesley in archives. Buffy talked about the other Slayers and living in L.A., and basically how it felt not to be in the middle of trouble more than half the time. And William talked about his job and working with Angel and his son, with an unmistakable note of pride in his voice. But when dinner had been consumed, as well as a couple glasses of wine a piece, the talk turned to the past. "It was hard to lose you," Dawn said. She was sitting on one of William's arm chairs, a glass of wine in her hand and a far-away look in her eyes. "I mean, I really thought I hated you for the longest time, and when you died, I realized how much I didn't. How much I'd missed you." There was a long silence, and Buffy whispered. "You think you have all the time in the world, even when you know it's probably the end." She took a swallow of her drink, looking over at William's thoughtful face. They had just gotten done explaining that last year to him, Buffy telling him things that even Dawn hadn't known about. About how he'd come after her and found her in that house. How they'd spent the last three nights together, just holding one another. How they had loved each other. "I really never thought you would be the one to die," she said. "I mean, I'd already died twice, I couldn't really think about living through another apocalypse. And you were supposed to be invincible. You were the one that stayed." He shook his head. "I don't remember much at all. There are bits and pieces that I've dreamed, and sometimes I'll remember those, but—" William glanced over at Dawn. "We played cards together. And you said you'd set me on fire." Dawn laughed and looked a bit sheepish. "Two totally separate occasions, I promise. We were really close the summer after Buffy died. You looked after me, and then when she came back..." Buffy winced. "Everything went to hell. That wasn't entirely Spike's fault." "No." Dawn looked over at her sister. They still had their secrets, but they'd talked about that summer finally, and about the aftermath of Buffy's return. She and Buffy shared a look, and Dawn stood. "I think I should probably go. I need to be up early tomorrow." Neither Buffy nor William asked what she had to be up early for since it was Friday night. They were both feeling the need for some privacy. William followed her to the door. "Don't be a stranger, Dawn," he said. "You need anything, just let me know." Dawn stared at him. "Same goes here, Spike." Impulsively, she reached out and grabbed him in a tight hug, something they'd never had a chance to share while he was a vampire. "I'm glad you're around, in some form or another. I missed you." He didn't reply except to run a tender hand down her hair. Doing so felt like a missing piece falling into place. "You're quite a woman, Li'l Bit." Dawn blinked back tears, surprised to hear the familiar nickname coming out of his mouth. "'Night, Spike." When he came back into the living room, he and Buffy shared a long look. "So, do you want to go first or should I?" she asked. He shrugged, uncomfortable. With Dawn there, he had at least a semblance of protection and distance from the fragments of his past that haunted him. Honesty being the best policy, he decided to move forward. "I have this dream," he confessed. "Where we're—we're in a bathroom. An' I hurt you. How much—?" "How much of that really happened?" Buffy replied gently. "Pretty much all of it. I won't lie to you, Spike. Things got really twisted between us at one point. But that's why you went to get your soul in the first place, because you felt so guilty over what you'd tried to do. Just for your information, vampires as a rule don't feel guilt, so that was pretty remarkable." William fiddled with his wine glass. "Why didn't you stake me, Buffy?" She bit her lip. She'd never been entirely sure of the reason herself, except that the only moment she might have been able to do it had been that moment she'd seen him again for the first time. And in that moment she was so stunned, and so happy to see him, that she wouldn't have been able to kill him. "I couldn't," she replied simply. "Like I said before, our relationship was really complicated. And there are things that I'm so glad you don't remember." When William would meet her eyes it was with the same vulnerability that Spike had showed at the end. Buffy suddenly realized that she knew this man possibly better than anyone else, because she had known Spike-with-a-soul, and that was who he was. He might not know it yet, but all the marks were there. "What are we doing, Buffy?" "I don't know," she admitted. "I'm still in love with Spike, and I always will be. And like it or not, you really are him. That's not a bad thing. But you're also a different person now, so I guess it's up to you. What do you want to do, William?" He shook his head. "There's a part of me that's tellin' me to run, that this won't turn out good, an' I've got a family, Buffy. I can't afford to go makin' poor choices like that. But there's this bigger part of me that just feels—complete when you're near me. As if everythin' is fallin' into place, all those missin' pieces I lost somewhere. An' maybe it's selfish, but I want to feel whole again, luv. I want you, an' I think a part of me has been missin' you forever." This was different, she knew. This wasn't about the passion or the sex or the lust, though all of that was there. This was about two grown-ups who had separate lives trying to figure out if they could make a go of it. She wasn't a kid anymore, and he wasn't a vampire, and so everything was different. "I want to be with you," she said. A smile lit up his face, and it was as though the sun itself had finally come out. "I want to be with you too, Slayer," he replied, almost shyly. And Buffy knew what he meant when he talked about missing pieces falling into place. "But we have this treasure in clay jars, so that it may be made clear that this extraordinary power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down but not destroyed." 2 Cor 4:7-9 ---------------------------------