When It Don't Come Easy

Author: enigmaticblue

Rating: PG-13

Archive: If you already have my stuff, if not please ask.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, and I'm certainly not making any money off them, more's the pity.

Summary: Going rapidly AU during the events of Entropy in BtVS S6, Spike makes a couple of wishes that will change everything. What is Buffy going to do when presented with a very different Spike—who doesn't feel quite the same way about her anymore?

A/N: This fic presupposes my short stories, The Lonely Hearts Club and The Way to a Poet's Heart. You don't have to have read those; just know that in this 'verse Spike and Tara have become pretty good friends.

Chapter 15: Expect the Unexpected

"I talk to you as to a friend/I hope that's what you've/come to be/It feels as though we've made amends/Like we found a way/eventually/It was you who picked the pieces up/When I was a broken soul/And then glued me back together/Returned to me what others stole/I don't wanna hurt you/I don't wanna make you sway/Like I know I've done before/I will not do it anymore/I've always been a dreamer/I've had my head among the clouds/Now that I'm coming down/won't you be my solid ground?/I look at you and see a friend/I hope that's what you wanna be/Are we back now where it all began?/Have you finally forgiven me?..." ~The Perishers, "Sway"

Willow sat down across from Tara tentatively; she still hadn't decided whether or not to take Giles up on his offer, and she didn't know what Tara's reaction to her continued reluctance was going to be. She had decided to finish the semester at the very least, and maybe the school year. She was supposed to graduate in May, and taking a semester off hadn't been in her plans.

"I haven't made a decision yet," Willow blurted out immediately.

Tara audibly sighed. "It has to be your decision, Willow. I'm not going to pressure you."

"I just—I thought that this was what you wanted me to do," Willow said.

Tara shook her head. "I wanted you to think about it, sweetie."

"You said this was the way we could start over," Willow replied.

Tara pursed her lips in that mannerism she had when she was annoyed. "No, I think you wanted to know how I could trust you again, and I suggested that you get some training. I think, if you got some training, you'd understand why I was so upset in the first place."

Willow wanted to say that she understood why Tara had been upset, but she had a feeling that it wasn't what the other woman wanted to hear. "Where does that leave us now?"

"Pretty much where we were before," Tara admitted. "I appreciate that you're at least thinking about it, though."

Willow let out a laugh tinged with bitterness. "It was so easy in the beginning. What happened?"

"We got older, life got more complicated." Tara shrugged. "It was easy in the beginning because we didn't have as many things to deal with."

"We had plenty to deal with," Willow objected.

Tara shook her head. "But it's different when you're together. You see more sides of a person, and you have to figure out if you can live with them the way they are."

"And you decided that you couldn't live with me."

"No, I decided that I couldn't live with the way you practiced magic," Tara corrected her. "There's a difference."

Willow, at this distance from her own actions, could recognize that. She could honestly say that she looked back on what she had done to Tara and to Dawn with horror, that she was no longer quite so proud of herself for having brought Buffy back to life. It no longer seemed like such a great accomplishment, not after watching Buffy struggle for over a year to get her bearings.

Not when she gave serious consideration to what Buffy had been forced to give up.

"I know." It was the only concession Willow was prepared to make at the moment, even if it wasn't going to move them forward.

~~~~~

Tara returned to the apartment feeling the weight of Willow's expectations; she wanted to know when or even if everything was going to be okay, and Tara honestly wasn't sure. Although, as time went by and Willow didn't use magic to speed things along, Tara was beginning to believe that things had changed, that Willow wouldn't use the same tactics again.

It was a slower process than what either of them wanted, however.

She went to make herself a cup of tea, and was just pouring herself a cup when William walked in, his nose sunburned and his eyes alight. "Did you have a good day?" Tara asked, already knowing the answer.

"I did," he said mildly, as though he wasn't fighting to keep his grin from bursting out. "How was yours?"

"It was good." Tara shrugged. "I met Willow for a drink."

"And she still hasn't agreed to go for training?" he asked, sobering.

Tara shook her head. "I honestly don't think she will. Willow's too convinced that she can figure things out on her own, and that what happened was an aberration, instead of a pattern."

"Perhaps Willow is right," William ventured. "I doubt that she'd risk losing you again."

Tara shook her head. "It's not about me right now, William, it's about everybody else. The entire world, if you like. She doesn't understand what magic is meant to be used for, and that's going to end up getting someone hurt. At first, I didn't think it was that big of a deal, and then..."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

Tara sighed. "When we first started going out and practicing magic together, I was so impressed by Willow and her abilities, I didn't really stop and question what kind of approach she was using. It wasn't until Dawn asked us about resurrecting Joyce that I realized that Willow didn't understand. And it wasn't until we had our first fight that I figured out she didn't react well to people disagreeing with her."

William frowned. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," Tara admitted. "I still love her, William—so much. I'm even beginning to trust her again, but I'm still afraid that the next time something comes up where we don't agree, or where she doesn't think that the laws of nature apply to her, she'll do something that I can't live with."

"Tara, you will never know whether or not Willow is able to control herself the next time a situation comes up like the one you describe." William took her hand in both of his in a comforting gesture. "Even those we know best have the capacity to surprise us, for good or ill. There are times when one must simply make the leap."

Tara raised an eyebrow. "This from the guy who said he was never going to fall in love again?"

"I said no such thing," William protested. At her look, he glanced away sheepishly. "Fine, I may have said something to that effect, but I did not mean it. Besides, things have changed."

"What changed?" Tara asked.

"Buffy admitted that I—that Spike had had feelings for her," William replied. "Also, we—we had a very enjoyable time together today, that's all."

Tara smiled. "So you're in love with her again?"

"No, of course not," William responded impatiently. "It's much too soon for that. We are friends, however, and I think we could be more in time."

"You haven't given up on love after all, huh?" Tara observed.

William shook his head. "It makes one feel so hollow inside, you know, to believe that one could never love again. Life seems senseless in a way. I can't live like that."

"I know." Tara had watched William try to tamp down on that passion—the joie de vivre that had so characterized Spike—and it had been slowly killing him. This mood suited him much better, sunburned nose and all.

With any luck, this was only the first step in helping William to finally find his true place.

~~~~~

Dawn flopped down on Buffy's bed right next to her, without waiting for an invitation. "How was it? And I want details."

Buffy glanced up from her magazine. "About what?"

"You know about what!" Dawn said, pointing an accusing finger. "Come on, Buffy! You were with William for hours!"

Buffy shrugged. "We had a nice time. End of story."

Dawn sat back, appearing perplexed. "If that was your reaction, I really hope you let him down easy," she finally said. "Because if he gets attached to you, and you act like that—"

"I'm kidding!" Buffy exclaimed, knowing that there was every chance that Dawn could take news of her reaction back to William, which didn't suit her plans at all.

Particularly since she was only acting like it wasn't a big deal to get a rise out of her sister.

Dawn glared at her. "Come on, Buffy. William's my friend, and you're my sister, and I want to know how your date went. Start from the beginning."

"Well, I got up this morning and had juice—"

"Buffy!"

Buffy decided that she'd teased Dawn enough. "William picked me up, and I took a picnic basket—because I'm good at picnics—and then we went to the beach."

"So far, so good," Dawn said, bouncing a little bit on the bed. "Then?"

"We ate lunch, and we talked," Buffy replied.

"About what?"

"Everything." Buffy got a dreamy smile on her face. "About my job, and his job, and books he'd read, and movies I've seen. Just everything."

Dawn frowned suspiciously. "You have that tone of voice."

"What tone of voice?"

"That tone of voice you have when you're getting all googly eyed over somebody." Dawn gave her sister a serious look. "Please tell me you really like him, because if you don't, it's not worth building him up just to knock him down again, Buffy."

That comment stung, but Buffy knew that she couldn't fault Dawn for doubting her motives, especially after what she had told her regarding Spike. Dawn knew that Spike had been in love with her—and Buffy could admit that the vampire really had loved her now—and using someone who had feelings for her had been wrong.

It didn't reflect the kind of person that Buffy had believed herself to be—or maybe it had at the time. In truth, Buffy had hated herself and the world, and Spike had been the only one she could hurt without repercussions.

She had forgotten that there were always consequences to every action.

"I'm not in love with William," Buffy admitted, "but I could be. He's—he's really something, you know?"

Dawn frowned. "Because he's like Spike?"

"Yes," Buffy said slowly. "In a way, but also because he's not like Spike. With Spike, it was harder, you know? Because of what he was, and what I am, and the fact that he could be a complete ass sometimes. William is easier to like in a lot of ways."

Dawn gave her a sympathetic look. "But you liked the challenge with Spike."

"I might have if my head hadn't been so screwed up," Buffy said. Dawn was quiet, and Buffy could almost hear the wheels turning in her head. "Go ahead and say it."

"Do you still miss being in heaven?"

"Not as much." Buffy shook her head. "I don't think it'll ever be something that I don't miss."

"But you don't want to die?"

"No," Buffy replied. She didn't say that she looked forward to death now, knowing what awaited her. If heaven still awaited her.

~~~~~

William picked up the phone on the second ring. "Hello?"

"William? It's Buffy."

"Hello." He found himself smiling for no reason except the sound of her voice. "How are you?"

"I'm good," Buffy replied. "How's the sunburn?"

He laughed self-consciously. "Much better, thank you."

There was an awkward pause, and then Buffy said, "I was wondering if you wanted to come over tonight. Dawn and I were going to watch TV and eat take-out."

William hesitated. "I don't know. Tara..."

"You can invite Tara, too," Buffy said quickly. "It's more a group thing than a date, but I've got a back porch if you want to get away from everybody. I think Willow might end up being there, but she couldn't give me a definite answer."

"I have to work until six, but I can come over afterwards," William replied. "I need to leave for work now, but I'll leave a note for Tara."

"Okay," Buffy said. "I'll see you after you get off work, then."

William smiled. "Yes. It—it will be good to see you again."

"Same here." Buffy's tone was fond, and William said goodbye with a smile on his face.

He drove to the bookstore with a smile on his face, humming a tune from his childhood under his breath. It was hard to believe that Buffy was actually pursuing a relationship with him, but that's what it looked like.

She liked him; he was sure of it.

William unlocked the shop and began straightening things up. He wasn't expecting Daniel to come in, since the older man had decided to take a week off to visit his son, who lived in a nearby town. Daniel had talked about taking his grandsons fishing every day.

Just the week before, Daniel had said, "It's been the perfect weather for fishing, William. We'll close the shop up for the day, and I'll take you fishing. You'll love it."

William thought that he might; it was a nice idea, anyway.

He'd just finished sorting the previous day's trade-in paperbacks into piles when a middle-aged man entered the store. "Can I help you?" William asked.

The other man frowned. "William, right?"

William nodded cautiously. "I'm afraid you have the advantage."

"I'm Aaron," he said. "Daniel's son."

"Of course," William said, his smile faltering. "Daniel has mentioned you. Is—is everything alright?"

Aaron shook his head, clearing his throat. "No. No, not really. I—Dad passed away a couple of days ago. He just didn't wake up, and we've been making preparations..." He trailed off.

"Oh," William said weakly. "I'm—I'm very sorry for your loss."

Aaron nodded. "We—my brother and I—were talking today, and we both remembered that Dad had hired someone to take of the store, and we thought someone had probably better let you know." He hesitated. "I'm really sorry, but we don't know what we're going to do with the store, and we're closing it for the time being."

It took a moment for Aaron's meaning to sink in. "Oh, of course. I understand." William reached for his keys. "You'll want—"

"If it's not too much trouble." Aaron met his eyes for a moment, and then he looked away again. "I know this is probably a shock, but we just don't—"

"No," William said quickly. "No, of course you want to be sure that everything is secured." He handed his key to Aaron. "I am truly sorry for your loss. Your father—was very kind to me."

Aaron nodded shortly. "Yeah, he was a good guy."

William wanted to ask when the funeral would take place, but he didn't dare when the other man seemed so hesitant to even speak to him. He wondered if it was because Aaron had essentially fired him, although the circumstances were beyond his control. It made sense for the family to close up the shop, particularly when they didn't know whether or not they would keep the business.

He left without saying more, bypassing his car in favor of his own two feet. William felt the need to walk, to clear his head. Although he didn't need the money, strictly speaking, he was back to having nothing to do with his time.

Perhaps this meant that it was time to make real plans for his future, to decide what he wanted to do from here.

William sat down on a park bench, not really seeing or hearing the small children playing under the gaze of their watchful mothers; he was too caught up, thinking about Daniel.

Burying his face in his hands, William let the tears come, hoping that no one around would see him and know that he was crying.

This was what being human meant, and there was a part of him that hated it.

~~~~~

"Hey, Buffy," Xander said. "I thought I'd drop by tonight."

Buffy couldn't begrudge Xander's presence. She knew that he didn't have a lot to do with his evenings, other than drink. He appeared to be sober now, though. "Come in. Just so you know, William is supposed to come by in a while, and I think Tara might come over, too."

Xander shrugged. "That's fine, unless you don't want me here."

Buffy gave him a curious stare. "I thought that you didn't like William."

Xander sighed. "Yeah. I apologized."

"Okay." Buffy knew that she sounded a little disbelieving.

"What I said wasn't very nice, and I shouldn't have taken out my anger on William," Xander said. "And, while I'm on the subject of apologies, I'm sorry."

"For what?" Buffy asked.

"For not really understanding why you were depressed." Xander shuffled his feet. "I didn't get it, but I get how you probably felt now, and I wanted to say that I admire you for not giving up."

Buffy blinked. "That's about the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Xander."

He gave her his patented lop-sided grin. "So, are we good?"

Buffy gave him a hug. "We're good. Come on in. We haven't ordered food yet, since William should be here soon."

They chatted idly about their jobs and Buffy's classes. When the doorbell rang, Buffy went to answer it, expecting to see William and a little surprised when she saw Tara. "Hey."

"Hey, Buffy," Tara said. "Did William beat me here?"

Buffy shook her head. "Actually, he didn't. I was expecting you to be him."

Tara gave her a sly smile. "Sorry to disappoint."

Buffy laughed. "Are we that obvious?"

"Only to people who know you well," Tara said. "William was on cloud nine Sunday night after he got back. I don't think I've ever seen him that happy."

Buffy could feel herself flushing. "That's nice," she said, knowing that it was a lame response, but unable to think of anything else to say.

They sat around and chatted for another hour before hunger got the best of them. "I'm sure William will be here soon," Tara said. "He said he was going to meet me here."

Buffy nodded uncertainly. "Sure."

When another hour had passed, and still no sign of William, Buffy watched as Tara called their apartment and left a message on the answering machine. "Hey, William. It's Tara. I'm at Buffy's house, and we're all kind of wondering where you are. Call when you get this, okay?"

"I'll call the store, too," Buffy said. "Maybe he got stuck or something."

There was no answer at the bookstore, and it was Xander who suggested, "Maybe we should look for him."

Dawn shook her head. "Where are we going to look? The only places William ever goes are here and his apartment and work."

"I can do a locator spell," Tara said. "I'll have to go back to my apartment for the supplies, though."

"I'll call the Magic Box," Buffy said. "If Anya's there, maybe she'll bring what we need. She likes William, so she might help us out."

"We'll still need something of his," Tara said.

Dawn stood. "I have a book that he lent me. I'll get it."

A few minutes later, Anya teleported into the middle of the living room with a plastic sack emblazoned with "The Magic Box." She handed it to Tara. "Here you go. There's no charge on it, since I owe Spike."

"It's William now," Dawn said.

Anya shrugged. "Same difference."

Tara set the bag down on the coffee table and began pulling everything out just as Willow walked through the front door. "Hey, guys," she said as she entered the living room. "What's going on?"

"William never arrived," Dawn explained.

"He's not at your place?" Willow asked, looking at Tara.

Tara shook her head, not looking up, her lips tight with worry. "He didn't answer the phone."

Willow came to sit next to Buffy on the couch, watching as Tara carried out her preparations with brisk efficiency. "You're doing a locator spell?"

"We didn't know of any other place he'd go," Buffy supplied. "Apparently, William doesn't get out much."

"In that, he's not that much different from the rest of us," Xander joked.

Anya raised an eyebrow. "I get out plenty."

Xander sighed. "The rest of us except for Anya," he corrected.

Tara started the spell, and the others quieted. Buffy watched as a small point of light formed above the surface of the map Anya had brought, and then it fizzled. "What happened?" Buffy asked. "What does that mean?"

Tara shook her head. "I don't know. I—it should have worked."

"Why don't you let me try?" Willow suggested. "Or we could try together."

Buffy watched as Tara met Willow's eyes, and an unspoken conversation seemed to take place between them. "You try," Tara finally said. "Maybe it's just me."

Willow's spell fizzled the same way, and Buffy was beginning to get really freaked out. "What does that mean, Will?"

Willow shook her head. "I don't know. I think..." She trailed off, and then looked at Tara.

Tara was staring at the tabletop, and she wouldn't look up.

Anya was the one to finally speak. "Either he's not in Sunnydale anymore, or—" She stopped, exercising uncharacteristic tact.

"Or what?" Buffy pressed.

"Or he's dead."