When It Don't Come Easy

Author: enigmaticblue

Rating: PG-13

Archive: If you already have my stuff, if not please ask.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, and I'm certainly not making any money off them, more's the pity.

Summary: Going rapidly AU during the events of Entropy in BtVS S6, Spike makes a couple of wishes that will change everything. What is Buffy going to do when presented with a very different Spike—who doesn't feel quite the same way about her anymore?

A/N: This fic presupposes my short stories, The Lonely Hearts Club and The Way to a Poet's Heart. You don't have to have read those; just know that in this 'verse Spike and Tara have become pretty good friends.

Chapter 2: Bruised Hearts

"Do you always have to tell him everything/on your mind?/You know that too much honesty can be/so unkind...You always try to find what's holding him/away from you./But do you ever see your anger standing there/Right between you?/And every time you throw him to the wall/why are you surprised to see he's breakable?" ~Fisher, "Breakable"

Tara had no idea what she was going to do with him. Letting Spike crash on her couch for the night was one thing; letting him stay indefinitely was something else altogether. Obviously, there had been another wish made, but Spike—no, William—had been in shock, and in no condition to recreate the scene for her.

She supposed that talking to Anya would be the next logical step, although she wasn't sure she wanted to leave William on his own. He'd been set completely adrift, even though he wasn't completely clueless. From what he'd said, his memory loss was more a result of his understandable disorientation than because he had no recollection of events.

It was weird to lie in bed, though, knowing that there was someone else close enough to call—particularly when that someone was male. Not since she'd left home had Tara slept so close to a man.

Oddly enough, it probably would have been less weird if it had actually been Spike sleeping in her living room.

Tara frowned, hearing movement from the main room, and rose to see what was going on. A quick glance at the clock told her it was either very early or very late, and certainly time to be sleeping.

It looked like she wasn't going to be getting much sleep at this point.

"Sp—William?" she called.

He froze, his head coming up sharply, a guilty expression on his face. "I-I'm sorry."

William had been in the process of opening one of her cupboards, and Tara moved to the kitchen. "Did you need something?"

"A drink of water?" he asked. "If it's not too much trouble."

"It's no trouble." Tara retrieved a glass and filled it with water, watching as he drank thirstily. "Couldn't you sleep?"

"No." William stared at the now-empty glass, rather than at her.

Tara hesitated. "Was the couch not comfortable? Because if you want my bed..."

"No!" he said quickly. "No, I couldn't take your bed. It's just—it doesn't feel right."

She went to sit on the couch, noting that the sheets and blanket she'd gotten for him were tangled. Apparently he'd been having just as much trouble sleeping as she had been. She waited for William to join her before asking, "Do you remember any more now?"

William shifted slightly. "I remember everything," he admitted in a low voice. "It's that I don't feel the same way about things, you see."

Tara grimaced. "I don't see."

She heard his sigh. "I'm not explaining it very well," William admitted. "It feels as though I have been a passenger inside my own mind for all these years, and now I'm the one in control. You were the only person I could remember who had treated me kindly who might be able to help, and about whom I felt the same way as Spike did."

Tara began to see what he meant. "So you're saying that we're still friends?"

"Yes." William's face was earnest, his expression very much like one Spike had worn during their last conversation. They had been discussing poetry, which was rather ironic when you thought about it. "We are friends, then?"

"Of course," Tara replied. "Do you—do you know what happened?"

William was quiet for a long moment. "I—Spike—made the wish for Anya. She was so sad, you see, and I thought that—Xander, isn't it?—deserved a taste of his own medicine. Anya told me that I could only make one wish, and I thought she might need it more than I did."

Tara frowned. "What happened? I know that Buffy broke up with you—with Spike, but that was weeks ago now. I thought you were doing okay."

"She said that she thought my—Spike's—feelings were real. For him."

Tara didn't bother trying to hide her wince. That had been cruel, and the only reason she could think of behind Buffy's words would be to try to force Spike away. Well, the Slayer had managed to get rid of Spike, although Tara had to wonder if Buffy would be pleased with the results. "So you went to the Magic Box," she prompted.

"Yes, and Anya and I spoke at length, and we drank," William admitted. "Then I made the wish, and as I was leaving, she asked if I didn't want something for myself."

Tara was beginning to see where this was going. "And you made a wish, thinking that she couldn't grant it."

"Yes, I wished I could be the sort of man Buffy could love, or that I could stop loving her." William shrugged. "I don't know why this happened, though."

Tara could understand it. Vengeance demons were amazingly literal at times. Dawn had wished that no one would leave her, and the curse had resulted in no one being able to leave Buffy's birthday party, even though that hadn't really been what Dawn wanted. Spike had wished to be a man, although probably not in the literal sense, and here he was—human.

That last half of his wish, though... "Do you still love her?" Tara asked.

William gave her a puzzled look. "Love who?"

Tara thought she had her answer. "Never mind. What happened after that?"

He touched his bruised lip gently. "I-I wasn't paying attention to where I was going," William admitted sheepishly. "I ran into a group of men who said that they wanted my wallet. I knew that I didn't have anything, so I tried to run, and then I had to fight." He gave her a sweetly rueful smile. "I'm not very good at it anymore."

"You got away," Tara pointed out pragmatically. "So it could have been a lot worse."

"I suppose," he said doubtfully.

"Were they human?" Tara asked, thinking about the chip.

He hesitated, then nodded. "I believe so; I don't think I would have escaped otherwise. I ran straight here."

Tara gave him a reassuring smile. "You did the right thing, William."

"You don't mind me staying?" he asked.

She shook her head. "No. You should try to get some sleep."

William sighed. "I don't know that I'll be able to. I don't feel all that tired."

Tara would have encouraged him to watch television to see if that wouldn't help him relax, but she didn't have a television, and she wouldn't have been able to afford cable even if she had. She hesitated, and then asked, "Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No, you should get some rest if you can."

The words were bravely said, but Tara could see the longing in his eyes, and she knew that she would have preferred someone to stay with her had she been in William's situation. "I'll stay."

She settled next to him on the couch, somehow unsurprised when William's hand came to cover her own. Tara moved so that they were holding hands and tried to remember the last time she had done this with a man. Maybe right after her mother had died, but there had been a desperation to all her encounters with the opposite sex then that wasn't there now.

Instead, there was only a comfortable silence, and Tara wondered if this wasn't what having a brother should have been like, instead of the twisted mess her relationship with Donny had become. "It's going to be okay," Tara promised him, feeling suddenly that it might be.

Whatever came of her relationship with Willow, Tara still had family, even though it wasn't quite what she'd expected.

William's only reply was to clutch her hand a little more tightly.

~~~~~

Buffy was feeling more than a little overwhelmed at the moment. Not only did she have the nerds to deal with now, but she also had to worry about Xander and whatever Anya had done to him. Of course, considering all the things that Anya could have done, depending on who she'd convinced to make the wish for her, he'd gotten off pretty lightly.

Although the Slayer was fairly certain that Xander wouldn't agree with that assessment.

Of course, all of that was piled on top of her day-to-day concerns: Dawn, work, slaying, bills—everything. Buffy was trying to make it work, she really was; after her trip into insane-o land and nearly killing everyone she loved, Buffy had realized that she needed to make some changes.

She was alive, so maybe it was about time she started living.

First, she had to take care of those stupid nerds and figure out what Anya had done to Xander, and Buffy thought that going to see Anya would probably be the easier of the two tasks. Fixing what had been done was a different story, but if Buffy had the information, that would be a good start for now.

Thankfully, Buffy had the day off from the Doublemeat Palace, and she went by the Magic Box that morning, hoping to find Anya there.

The vengeance demon was busy counting the cash in her drawer, and she glanced up when the bell above the door jangled. "Oh. Hi, Buffy."

The less-than-warm welcome had Buffy rethinking the ease of this mission. "Hey, Anya. I, uh, wanted to talk to you about something."

"Yes?" Anya asked, still counting her money, not bothering to look at Buffy.

"It's about Xander." Buffy watched the other woman; when she didn't get an immediate response, she sighed, "I think you know what I'm talking about, Anya."

"What do you want me to say, Buffy?" Anya demanded. "I'm not sorry. He deserves every second of agony."

Buffy bit her tongue and counted to ten, reminding herself that Anya was the wronged party, which meant that she deserved a little patience. "Okay. I'll grant you that Xander probably deserves a little misery, but he was already feeling bad before you made the wish."

"I didn't make the wish," Anya replied, sounding a little smug.

Buffy waited for her to offer more information and, when it wasn't forthcoming, asked, "Okay, so who did you get to make the wish for you?"

"Spike," Anya said. "He was really nice to me, too. A lot nicer than the rest of you."

Buffy felt her heart sink. It was possible that Spike had made the wish without knowing what he was doing, but something in the way Anya relayed the information made her doubt it. "What did he wish for, Anya?"

"He wished Xander would experience what I was feeling, so I didn't have to feel so horrible anymore," Anya replied. "And I don't. This morning was the first time I woke up without crying since Xander left me."

Buffy swallowed hard. As wishes went, she couldn't really argue with the justice of it; Xander had been the one who left Anya, and Buffy knew how that felt probably better than anyone. Still, Xander was her friend, and she had to try. "How long is it going to last?" she asked. "I hate to be the one to say it, Anya, but you would have felt better after a while. If this is going to last forever—"

"I imagine it will last as long as it would have for me," Anya replied. "So maybe it will last forever, or maybe he'll get over it, but I don't have to cry about it anymore, and I don't have to wonder what I did wrong, or whether he'll ever want me again, or whether anyone will ever want me again." Her eyes were fierce when she met Buffy's. "You tell me how that's wrong."

Buffy couldn't, and she didn't want to. She couldn't count the number of times when she'd wished that her pain would go away, and now Anya had gotten her wish.

Buffy only wished that she could have experienced some of that same relief for herself.

~~~~~

Xander curled in on himself, clutching his middle; instead of getting better, this morning he felt worse, as though he would never be happy again. He'd felt horrible after the wedding-that-wasn't, even worse once he'd had a chance to see just how much he'd hurt Anya.

But it hadn't felt like this.

Right now, he wanted to die, or maybe just to go to sleep and never wake up. Xander was certain that he'd never be happy again, so he wasn't sure what the point of living was supposed to be.

The knock on the door didn't budge him; he didn't want to talk to anybody.

"Xander? It's Buffy. I went and talked with Anya."

He just lay there, wondering if Buffy would go away if he didn't answer.

"Come on, Xander."

She wasn't going to go away. Xander dragged himself out of bed and over to the door, opening it for her. "What did she say?" he asked, knowing that he sounded short-tempered and not particularly caring.

"She said that Spike made a wish," Buffy began, but Xander wasn't going to let her get any further than that.

"Spike!" he snarled, his bad mood now having a target. "I told you that you should have killed him a long time ago, Buffy. That waste of space needs to be dusted, and I'll—"

"You don't get to touch him," Buffy snapped, her anger nearly tangible. "He wished that you would feel Anya's pain so she wouldn't hurt anymore. As wishes go, it was pretty damn tame."

Xander wasn't ready to let it go. "He shouldn't have made a wish in the first place. This was between me and Anya, and—"

"You hurt her, Xander!" Buffy exclaimed. "You really hurt her. What did you think she was going to do? Forgive you just as soon as you asked?"

Xander had hoped for it, although he hadn't really thought it would happen. What he had thought was that, while Anya might be angry, once he told her how sorry he was, she would at least consent to maybe talk to him again.

He'd kind of forgotten that Anya had been a vengeance demon, and that forgiveness might not be in her makeup.

"I know I hurt her, Buffy," Xander finally whispered, "but I don't know if I can keep going like this."

Buffy gave him a look that was full of both impatience and pity. "Sure you can. How do you think I've felt the last few months?"

Xander didn't know how to reply to that, so he crawled back into bed, thankful when Buffy left him alone. He wasn't sure he could handle the guilt of knowing that he was partially responsible for how she felt on top of everything else.

He just didn't want to think about any of it anymore.

Xander roused himself, thinking that he might know a sure-fire way of forgetting, at least for a little while. Maybe getting drunk at the Bronze wasn't the best idea ever, but if it helped to numb the pain, he'd take it.

~~~~~

Willow spotted Tara and smiled, hurrying her steps to catch up with the other woman. "Tara!" she called when it appeared that Tara hadn't seen her.

Tara's steps slowed, and she turned to give Willow a distracted smile. "Hey."

"Hi!" Willow said, wondering at Tara's distant air. "Is everything okay?"

Tara nodded. "Sure. I'm fine, it's just—something's happened."

Willow didn't like the sound of that. "What's going on?" Tara bit her lip, obviously conflicted. "If you can't tell me..."

"It's not my story to tell," Tara explained. "I mean, he didn't say I couldn't tell anybody, but I don't know how he would feel, and he's—"

"Who's he?" Willow asked, feeling a sense of relief. If it was a male causing this kind of distraction, then Willow could rest assured that it was truly just a friends thing, because Tara was definitely gay.

"You can't tell Buffy," Tara demanded.

Willow frowned. She wasn't sure that she could hide something from the Slayer, not after everything that had happened with her magic use. At the same time, she was equally certain that Tara wouldn't ask her to keep a secret that would put anyone in danger. "Okay."

"Walk with me?" Tara asked. "I have to get back; I don't want to leave him on his own for too long."

Willow fell into step beside her. "What's going on, Tara?"

"I've been hanging out with Spike recently," Tara admitted in a low voice. "We ran into each other at the grocery store after you and I—you know, broke up—and he was nice, so I invited him over for a cup of tea. After that, we would just hang out sometimes. It wasn't a big deal, really."

Willow had no idea where this was going, because she was fairly sure that Tara wasn't going to tell her that she was in love with Spike, or that he'd hurt her. That wasn't what her tone of voice indicated. "Did something happen?"

"You could say that," Tara replied. "Spike made a wish yesterday."

Willow's eyes widened. "He was the one that made the wish? We figured someone did, after Xander suddenly felt so awful, but—"

"He made two wishes," Tara said, interrupting her. "One for Anya and one for himself, but he didn't realize the second one would be granted. He's human."

"Oh." Willow's eyes got even bigger. "Oh! He's human? Really?"

"And he's not really Spike," Tara continued. "He's William."

Willow shook her head. "I don't understand."

"He's like what he was before he became a vampire," Tara replied. "It's hard to explain, but if you saw him, you'd understand. He came to see me last night because he didn't know where else to go."

Willow made a face. "He's like he was when he was human? Tara, I don't know if it's a good idea for him to stay with you. It could be—"

"Dangerous?" Tara asked, the warmth gone from her tone. "I know what I'm doing, Willow. I know Spike better than you do, and I've been taking care of myself for a while now."

Willow realized that she was in danger of jeopardizing the fragile truce they'd wrought. "I'm sure you do, Tara, but it's Spike. He's tried to kill us all in the past. Remember Adam?" Tara's lifted eyebrow told Willow that the other woman wasn't buying that argument, and she could understand why.

After all, Buffy had just tried to kill all of them, and they had all done stupid things to put other people in danger a lot more recently than Spike's failed negotiations with the demon cyborg.

"He's not like that," Tara insisted. "And besides, he's my friend, and right now he needs me. If you have a problem with that..."

"I don't!" Willow said quickly.

Tara shook her head. "I have to go, Willow. I promised William that I wouldn't stay away for too long. He's feeling a little lost right now, and I can sympathize."

Willow watched Tara walk away, feeling as though whatever connection they'd made the previous day had been lost. She didn't understand what had just happened, but obviously Tara felt as though she'd been insulted.

Willow wondered how long it was going to be two steps forward and one step back for them.