When It Don't Come Easy

Author: enigmaticblue

Rating: PG-13

Archive: If you already have my stuff, if not please ask.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, and I'm certainly not making any money off them, more's the pity.

Summary: Going rapidly AU during the events of Entropy in BtVS S6, Spike makes a couple of wishes that will change everything. What is Buffy going to do when presented with a very different Spike—who doesn't feel quite the same way about her anymore?

A/N: This fic presupposes my short stories, The Lonely Hearts Club and The Way to a Poet's Heart. You don't have to have read those; just know that in this 'verse Spike and Tara have become pretty good friends.

Chapter 5: Moving On

"You were almost kind, you were almost true/Don't let me see that other side of you/You have learned in time that you must be cruel/I'll have to wait to get the best of you/Poisoning everything you say/Don't you, don't you?/Wonder what difference does it make...Either way/You were almost kind, you were almost true/Why give away that other side of you/Happens every time, so it must be true...Were you ever kind, were you always cruel?/Who's ever seen that other side of you?" ~Guster, "Either Way"

"I really like it," Dawn announced, as though that was all William needed to hear. In a way, he supposed that it was; other than Dawn's, the only opinion that mattered was Tara's.

He glanced at Tara. "What do you think?"

"It's nice," she said, looking around at the spacious interior. "It's a really good deal, too."

William turned to look at the apartment manager. "Could we have a moment, please?"

The woman smiled. "Of course. I'll be right outside."

Once she had gone, William turned to Tara. "What is it?"

"Nothing," Tara said quickly. "There's no reason not to take it, William. It's a nice place, and you're getting a good deal."

He nodded, finding the bare white walls and neutral carpet depressing; there was so little character in the straight lines and right angles. William could remember his own home, filled with comfortable furniture and warm colors; this place was a far cry from his childhood home, or even the dank crypt he'd yet to empty out. "Then I will take it, if you think that I should."

"It's up to you," Tara replied.

William shrugged. "I need a place; this will do. I suppose I'll need furniture as well."

"Oh!" Dawn said excitedly. "Can I help you pick it out?"

William had a feeling that now that Dawn had decided to be his friend, he was going to be hard-pressed to get rid of her—not that he wanted to. "As long as your sister doesn't mind you spending so much time with me," he replied.

Dawn sighed but didn't argue. "Fine. I don't see what Buffy could object to, though. Not with you being able to go out in the daylight, and all that."

"Just be sure to ask her," William ordered. "What next?"

Tara was the one to answer. "You'll have to fill out the application, and she'll probably want references. Since you don't have any, we'll have to figure something else out."

"You could co-sign," Dawn suggested.

Tara shook her head. "I don't have enough assets to co-sign an apartment application, Dawn. There's no way they'd decide that I would be able to pay William's rent on top of mine."

"What about as a roommate?" she asked. "You guys could live together."

William watched Tara's face carefully for her reaction; he liked the idea, but he didn't know that she would want to share an apartment.

Tara shook her head. "I don't think so, Dawnie. I'm sure that William wants his own space."

They left after that, taking the application from the apartment manager with a promise to drop it off within the next couple of days. Dawn went home, leaving Spike and Tara to walk to his crypt to pick up clean clothing for him.

Once William had thrown most of his belongings into an old duffel bag, they headed back to her apartment. There wasn't much that he'd wanted to keep. Nothing seemed to quite suit him anymore; even the clothing belonged to another man, but William wasn't going to let it go to waste when it fit him and was perfectly serviceable.

"You know, I wouldn't mind if you wanted to share expenses," William offered once they'd reached Tara's apartment. He hadn't wanted to discuss the possibility of sharing a flat outside where anyone might overhear them.

Tara hesitated. "I don't know if that's a good idea."

William frowned. "Why not? Unless you'd rather not live with me. I would understand if you don't."

"What if you want to have someone over?" Tara asked.

William frowned. "There are two bedrooms, and I'm planning on getting a sofa," he pointed out. "If we do have an overnight guest, they would have somewhere to sleep."

Tara's lips twitched suspiciously. "No, William. If you want to have someone spend the night."

"Like Dawn?" he asked, still not quite getting it. "I don't think Buffy would allow that." At Tara's pointed look, he reconsidered, his eyes widening as he realized exactly what she was talking about. "Oh!"

She laughed gently at the look on his face. "You might not want a roommate around then, you know."

William shook his head. "I don't think so. I can't see myself doing that."

Tara's gentle touch on his hand was comforting. "Why not?"

"In the first place, who would want to?" William asked. "And in the second, I can't see myself having relations with a woman I don't care for, and I have no interest in falling in love again. After everything...I won't put myself in that position."

"You might feel that way now, but that could easily change," Tara pointed out. "If you meet the right person—"

"That will be a decision for a later date," William said firmly. "If you are concerned about bringing someone home, however, I would understand. I—"

Tara shook her head. "No, not really. I imagine that we could work that out." She frowned, thinking about the possibility. "I'm subletting this apartment until next month," Tara said. "After that, I would have needed a new place anyway. I had thought..." She trailed off, not saying what she had thought, although William could hazard a guess. "This might just be the perfect opportunity," she finished.

"Are you certain?" William asked. "If you're unsure, I don't want you to agree simply to spare my feelings. I am quite capable of handling the truth."

"I know you are," Tara replied. "I think it would be nice to have a roommate; I'd gotten so used to it that living by myself has been kind of lonely."

William's smile was genuine. "Thank you."

He was terribly grateful not to feel so alone; it was the first time he'd had a true friend, the first time he'd been able to count on another person.

~~~~~

Giles took a deep breath after Anya finished the entire story. "So you're telling me that Spike made two wishes, which resulted in you being happy and him being human?"

Anya nodded, impressed at his ability to put it so succinctly. "Exactly."

"Have you seen him?" Giles asked.

"Who?"

"Spike."

Anya shook her head. "No. I don't know where he went after he made the wishes, although I can imagine it was quite a surprise. I know that Spike didn't expect for it to be granted."

The Watcher began polishing his glasses for what would be the tenth time during the course of their conversation. "I can imagine not. I wonder how he's handling it, and what he's like," Giles mused. "It must have been rather difficult to deal with."

"It was." Anya still remembered the disorientation and dissatisfaction that had come with being human again; after so long as a demon, she hadn't remembered even the most basic of things, although she thought that Spike might have an easier time of it. His human self would at least be older than the teenaged body in which she'd found herself stuck, and from what Hallie had said, Spike had money now. Probably more than he'd had before, since he'd been perpetually broke as a vampire.

"I'm sorry," Giles said. "Of course you would know." He stood. "I should give Buffy a call and let her know that I'm in town. I'd like to see her while I'm here."

"How long are you going to be here?" Anya asked, feeling a curious lurch in the pit of her stomach at the thought of Giles leaving again. She'd missed working with him while he'd been gone. Anya hadn't realized how much she'd enjoyed his presence, even when he was annoying her.

Giles shook his head. "I have no idea. I'd thought to stay at least until you returned, but you're obviously here, and there's really no reason for me not to go back to England."

"Of course there is!" Anya objected, before she could think better of it.

Giles frowned. "What would that be?"

Anya didn't know that she wanted to tell him that she had missed him; while Giles had mentioned being worried about her, he'd said nothing of wanting or missing her company. "We all missed you," she finally said, deciding that it was a nice compromise.

His stern features softened. "I missed everyone here, too." Giles glanced around the interior of the shop. "I suppose I could stay for a week or two; there's nothing pressing in England that would require my presence."

Anya didn't question the fact that, as happy as she'd been since Spike made his wish, Giles' decision made her that much happier.

~~~~~

Just getting through the day was a struggle. Xander normally enjoyed his work, but he found himself taking frequent breaks in order to keep himself under control. There were moments when he would remember Anya and it would all hit him again.

"What's up?" Mike called as he was heading to the Porta-Potty for the fifth time that day. "You not feeling good?"

Xander shook his head. "Must have eaten something that didn't agree with me last night. I'll be fine."

"Why don't you take off early?" Mike suggested. "I'll cover for you."

Xander nodded gratefully. "Thanks, man. I appreciate it."

He left the site, thankful for the reprieve, although he knew that he couldn't take too many more opportunities like this; he couldn't afford to lose his job on top of everything else. The worst part was that, knowing how Anya felt, Xander knew that there was nothing he could do to make it better. Before, he'd thought that maybe he could fix things. He'd figure out the right words to say, the right thing to do, and it would all get better.

Now he knew that it wasn't going to get better; Anya hated him. Hell, Xander hated himself.

After what Buffy had said, about not feeling as though she could handle it all, Xander had a better idea of why she might have been acting so strangely the last few months. When nothing in your life felt right, when it all felt meaningless—as though you'd destroyed everything good, everything worth living for—well, he got it now.

Not that Buffy had destroyed anything, but the principle was the same.

Although his apartment was less than inviting without Anya waiting for him, Xander really didn't have another place to go. He didn't want to talk to anyone, and he didn't want to endure anyone's attempts to cheer him up, or to inflict his gloom on the others.

Glancing at the clock, he noted that it wasn't quite three in the afternoon; that made it a little early for a drink, but he wasn't going anywhere. Xander popped the tab on a can of beer and settled down in front of the television, planning on spending the rest of the day on his couch, trying to lose himself.

The knock on the door had him sighing, but Xander knew that he ought to open it. If it was Buffy or one of the others needing his help, then he probably ought to go, if only because it was another instance of not wanting to screw something else up.

Xander couldn't afford to lose his friends, just like he couldn't afford to lose his job. They were the only things holding him together at the moment.

"Hey," Buffy said as he opened the door. "How are you doing?"

"I've been better," he admitted. "What's up?"

She shrugged. "I came by to see how you were, and to see if you want to give me a hand with patrol tonight. It might help to get out of the house."

Xander hesitated, torn between agreeing and telling her that all he wanted was to be alone. "I guess I could go."

"Great," Buffy replied. "You want to get something to eat?"

He didn't; then again, if he stayed in his apartment, Xander knew that he'd end up drinking, which would only result in his getting drunk, and he wouldn't be much use to Buffy then. "Sure. Let's get out of here."

~~~~~

Willow opened the door for Giles with a big grin. "Hey!"

"Hello, Willow," he replied, stepping inside and regarding her with concern. She reminded him of the girl he'd known years ago, before she'd begun dabbling in dark magic. "You're looking well."

"I'm trying," she replied. "It's been hard to stay away from the magic, but it's getting easier."

Giles wasn't certain that staying away from magic was going to solve Willow's problems; more likely, it would only mean that, when she fell off the wagon, it would be a spectacular fall. At the same time, he didn't want to belittle the strides she'd made, if only because he remembered what it was like moving away from using magic to further your own goals.

That kind of power tended to get its hooks into you, until it was nearly impossible to leave it behind.

"If you need any help, you know I'll be happy to lend a hand," Giles said.

Her eyes went distant. "I'm fine, but I'll let you know."

"Of course," he said. "Is Buffy back yet?"

"She's out with Xander," Willow said. "The wish is making things hard on him, and Buffy's worried that he's going to get himself into trouble." She hesitated, then added, "Plus, I think Spike's reaction is bothering her."

Giles' eyebrows went up, and he followed her back into the kitchen. "Have you seen him?"

"I haven't," Willow said. "He's staying with Tara, though, and Buffy ran into them earlier today."

Giles wasn't expecting that. "He's staying with Tara?"

"They're friends," Willow explained, making a face. "I don't know if it's a good idea for him to be staying with her, since we don't know what he was like as a human, but—"

"He's nice," Dawn said from the doorway. "And if you guys had really known Spike, that wouldn't be such a surprise." She looked at Giles. "Hi."

Giles was a little surprised at the coolness of her greeting. "Hello, Dawn. How have you been?"

"Things have been crappy," she replied bluntly. "So how long are you staying?"

"I haven't decided yet. I imagine I'll stay as long as I'm needed," Giles said.

Dawn gave him a look so full of skepticism that he was taken aback. "Yeah, right. We needed you before, and you didn't stick around. Why would you stay now?"

"Dawnie," Willow chided her.

Dawn rounded on her. "What?" she demanded. "Why should I care if Giles is back if he's just going to leave again? That's what happens: people leave, and then they expect you to deal with things you can't handle. I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay. It's not."

"Dawn," Giles began. "If you'll tell me what's been going on, I can—"

"Leave again?" she asked snidely. "No, thanks."

Giles could hear her heavy footfalls as she ran up the stairs; stomped up the stairs, to be more accurate. Dawn was obviously not pleased to see him. "What else has been going on, Willow?" he asked.

Willow hesitated. "It's been bad," she admitted, "but nothing that we couldn't handle."

"Somehow I'm not sure I believe that," Giles replied. "Why don't you start by telling me why Dawn is so upset?"

Willow shook her head. "I don't think I know the entire story, but I'll tell you what I do know."

~~~~~

Buffy dropped Xander back off at his place after patrol, glad that he seemed to be in a slightly better frame of mind after an evening of fighting demons. In a way, it had been just like old times, with her slaying and Xander providing the occasional quip; it had been a long time since she'd patrolled with her friends, and Buffy had appreciated the company.

Particularly since Xander's presence had helped her to keep her mind off of Spike's absence.

It was only now beginning to hit her that Spike was gone—really gone, as in never coming back. The man who had taken his place was not Spike, and Buffy would never see him again; it was a disquieting thought.

Knowing that Spike wasn't out there, in love with her—obsessed with her—made it easier to remember how he'd sat with her when she'd first returned; he'd made it so easy to be with him.

Not having to worry about Spike and his obsession should have been a comfort, but it wasn't; in reality, it hurt. The expression on William's face had hurt, as had finally realizing that he didn't want her anymore—although not because Buffy still wanted him. She felt the same way she had after seeing him at Xander and Anya's wedding with his date; jealous and angry that he was trying to move on. Maybe she didn't want him, but Buffy didn't want anyone else to have him, either.

And yes, she did know just how irrational that was.

Buffy wearily climbed the few steps to her front door, pushing all thoughts of Spike and his demise out of her mind. There was nothing she could do about it now, anyway; even if there had been some way for a Slayer and a soulless vampire to be together, that point was moot, and William very obviously didn't feel like giving her a chance.

Buffy honestly couldn't say that she'd have taken the chance if given one.

Opening the front door as quietly as possible, Buffy slipped inside, not wanting to disturb any of the house's sleeping occupants. It was late, and she knew that Dawn and Willow both had to be up early the next morning.

"Hello, Buffy."

The voice startled her, and she whirled to face its source; she hadn't expected to see Giles, and certainly hadn't expected him to simply show up at her house. "Giles?"

"How are you?"

Buffy stared at him, uncertain of her answer. There was part of her that wanted to lie, to tell him that she had been just fine without him; there was another part of her that wanted to tell him everything.

"I'm okay," she finally said. "How are you?"

"I'm well," he replied. "I hope you don't mind me dropping in like this."

"No, of course not," Buffy was quick to assure him. "When did you get here?"

"Earlier today," Giles said. "I heard about Xander and Anya, and I became concerned about the shop. I wasn't certain what I'd find when I got here."

Buffy laughed, but there was an edge of bitterness to the sound. "I'll bet you didn't expect this."

"No, I should say not." He followed her into the living room and sat down next to her on the couch. "Willow told me a little bit about what's been going on."

"What did she tell you?" she asked. If Willow had already told Giles everything, then she wouldn't have to fill him in, which would be a relief.

Giles gave her a look full of sympathy. "About your job, for one thing. Why on earth are you working there?"

"It was just supposed to be until school started up again," Buffy replied, leaning her head back against the couch, feeling horribly tired. "And then I didn't get my application in on time, so I got stuck there."

Giles frowned. "You don't have to be stuck there, Buffy. There are other options."

"Like what?" Buffy demanded. "I'm a college dropout, Giles. There aren't any other options."

"That's ridiculous," he said sharply. "You mean that you're not willing to look for other alternatives because you're too busy wallowing in your own misery."

Buffy stared at him with wide eyes, remembering that Spike had something quite similar. "Giles—"

"I'm sorry, Buffy," Giles interrupted her. "I realize that I told you that I wanted you to make your own decisions, but I never meant..." He trailed off. "I'm sorry."

Buffy shook her head. "No, it's okay. You—you're probably right. Sp—someone else said almost the same thing to me not that long ago."

"'Someone' meaning Spike?" Giles asked. "Don't tell me that we actually agree on something; I'm not sure I could bear it."

Buffy laughed a little, knowing that had been her Watcher's intent. "He accused me of being a martyr."

"Is it true?" Giles asked.

She shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe. I didn't think it was, but then..." Buffy trailed off, remembering that other reality where her parents had been alive, and she had been insane. There were days when she wondered if she'd made the right choice.

"Willow said you've seen him," Giles said, apparently sensing her need to change the subject.

Buffy nodded. "Earlier today. He was looking for an apartment with Tara." She gave Giles a look that was full of wry humor. "Spike—William—is apparently over me in a big way, so we don't have to worry about him being obsessed with me anymore."

Giles gave her a pointed look. "And you're fine with that?"

"Of course," Buffy said quickly. "It's one less thing for me to worry about." She didn't want to talk about her twisted relationship with Spike right now. Her Watcher didn't need to know that she'd been sleeping with the vampire. Buffy had disappointed him enough for one evening. "How long are you staying?"

"At least a week or two," Giles replied. "I want to be sure that Anya is okay to continue running the Magic Box, and I'd like to have a chance to visit." He hesitated, then added, "I also think that something ought to be done about your financial situation. You might be of age, but Dawn is not, and your father should be contributing to her support."

"Good luck," Buffy muttered bitterly. "Dad's pretty much gone AWOL at this point."

Giles grimaced. "Perhaps, but it's worth checking into. In any case, there's nothing in England that would demand my immediate attention, so I can stay."

"That would be good," Buffy admitted. "I've missed you."

Giles smiled and touched her shoulder in a fatherly gesture. "I've missed you as well."