When It Don't Come Easy

Author: enigmaticblue

Rating: PG-13

Archive: If you already have my stuff, if not please ask.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, and I'm certainly not making any money off them, more's the pity.

Summary: Going rapidly AU during the events of Entropy in BtVS S6, Spike makes a couple of wishes that will change everything. What is Buffy going to do when presented with a very different Spike—who doesn't feel quite the same way about her anymore?

A/N: This fic presupposes my short stories, The Lonely Hearts Club and The Way to a Poet's Heart. You don't have to have read those; just know that in this 'verse Spike and Tara have become pretty good friends.

Chapter 6: The Weight of Regret

"Some days I'm bursting at the seams/With all my half remembered dreams/And then it shoots me down again/I feel the dampness as it creeps/I hear you coughing in your sleep/Beneath a broken window pane...On winter tress the fruit of rain/Is hanging trembling in the branches/Like a thousand diamond buds/Waiting there in every pause/That old familiar fear that claws you/Tells you nothing ain't no good/Pulling back you see it all/Down here so laughable and small/Hardly a quiver in the dirt/This ain't no love that's guiding me." ~David Gray, "Ain't No Love"

Getting the apartment set up had been a welcome distraction for William. Although both Tara and Dawn had school, they'd helped as much as possible, and he had been too busy to think much. Now, however, he was mostly finished with everything, which left him with little to do but think.

William was bored enough to consider writing poetry again.

Even though there was no real need for him to work, at least on a financial level, William was discovering that merely sitting around wasn't enough. Although there were those who might have believed that Spike had done little enough as a vampire, the truth was that Spike typically had something going every night. If he wasn't carousing or playing poker or hustling people at the pool table—or any number of similar, less than savory activities—he was with Buffy. Or following Buffy, or patrolling with Buffy.

These days, all of those activities were out of the question, and so William found himself at loose ends. He had no idea what kind of employment he might want to seek, or what he might be suited for now. It would still be a couple of weeks before Tara moved in, since she had to wait until the regular tenant returned from her semester abroad, and so he hadn't been able to broach the topic with her yet.

It was on a day when the weather was too beautiful to stay indoors that William ventured out for a walk. The midday sun was warm on his back, and he was grateful that he'd allowed Dawn and Tara to talk him into buying new clothes; his old black on black ensemble would have been too hot for a day like that. The blue jeans and white Oxford were much better suited to the California spring weather.

He was strolling up the street, giving some thought to getting something to eat, when he heard a familiar voice exclaim, "Good Lord! Spike?"

William still answered to that name. He remembered everything, after all, and there were times when he still felt like Spike. Turning, William saw a middle-aged man coming out of a shop just off of the main thoroughfare where he'd been strolling. He frowned; the man looked familiar, but he couldn't place the name with the face.

The man came out to meet him. "They told me, but I suppose I didn't truly believe it until just now."

The name came to him, and William's eyes narrowed. If he remembered correctly, Buffy's Watcher had gone back to England, and he was a little confused to see him back in Sunnydale. "Mr. Giles, yes?"

"Of course," Giles responded, sounding a little surprised. "I—of course. Tara said that your memories weren't completely clear."

"They're clear enough," William said, a bite to his tone. "What can I do for you?"

Giles looked rather disconcerted at the abrupt response. "I was wondering if I might have a word with you. Your transformation from vampire to human is unprecedented."

William hesitated, not knowing that he wanted to talk about it; however, it seemed impolite to refuse. "Certainly."

He followed Giles back into the shop, surprised to see Anya. This was the Magic Box, and she worked at the Magic Box, which hadn't crossed his mind when he'd watched Giles come out of the shop.

"Hello, Spike," Anya said cheerfully. "How are you doing?"

"It's William now," he replied. "And I'm doing quite well." William hesitated. "I had been meaning to ask you about the wish that I made," he began. "You said that you could only grant one."

Anya nodded. "Yes, but Hallie was still here. She thought that she owed you something, so she granted your second wish."

William went still; he immediately knew who Anya was talking about. He had seen Halfrek at Buffy's birthday party, and although he had recognized that he'd seen her somewhere before, he hadn't known where or who she was to him.

He remembered now, all too clearly.

"She owed me nothing," William said coldly. "She should have left well enough alone."

Anya gave him a sympathetic look. "Are you not happy being human? I know it took me a while to get used to, and I'm certainly glad that I'm a demon again."

William caught the pained expression on Giles' face, though he didn't know why the other man would be thrown by Anya's gratitude for the return of her demonic powers. "It's fine," William said, not wanting to air his concerns in front of these strangers; while Anya had been nice enough to him, he still remembered the disdain that Giles had expressed for Spike. William had no desire to find out if that translated to his current incarnation as well.

Anya stiffened. "I have to go," she announced suddenly, and then she was gone.

William frowned at the spot where she'd been. "What was that about?"

Giles sighed. "Anya's duties call her away now and then," he explained. "Would you care to have a seat?"

William wasn't sure that he would like that at all, but he sat at the round table in the center of the store without protest. He could always leave whenever he liked.

"How are you doing with this change?" Giles asked, with genuine concern. "I can imagine that it would be rather bewildering."

William relaxed slightly when he heard the real sympathy in Giles' voice. "The first night was the worst," he admitted. "It's been easier since then, although I'm still trying to figure out what my purpose might be."

He was a little surprised that he'd admitted that last bit to the other man, but Giles merely nodded. "I can understand that," was the Watcher's noncommittal reply. "If there's anything I can do for you, please let me know."

William looked at him suspiciously. "I don't understand. I thought that you hated Spike."

"You're not Spike any longer," Giles pointed out.

William stood, suddenly angry. "I am more Spike than not. Perhaps I have a heartbeat and a soul, but those are meaningless."

"They aren't meaningless," Giles objected. "You have a chance to do something worthwhile with yourself, William."

"And Spike did not? Is that what you think?" William turned, disgusted. "If you think that the sum of a man is in the possession of a soul or the beating of his heart, you're a fool. A man is the sum total of his actions. If you'll excuse me."

He glanced up, ready to leave, surprised to see Buffy and Willow standing just inside the door to the shop; William hadn't even heard the bell above the door jangle. His eyes met Buffy's, and he saw something there that he hadn't expected—sorrow.

William thought that she would have been glad to be rid of Spike and his obsession.

"I should go," he said, brushing past the two girls as he left the Magic Box. Dawn and Tara had apparently been following them, because he saw them as he exited the building.

"William?" Tara called. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he said quickly. "Mr. Giles and I simply had a disagreement, and I really ought to be going."

Tara hesitated. "I promised Willow that I'd have dinner with her tonight; otherwise—"

"Think nothing of it," William said. "I'll be quite alright."

As he made his way down the street, back to his apartment, William told himself that it was true; he would be just fine, given a little time.

~~~~~

Buffy stared at William's retreating back, then turned back to Giles. "What was that all about?" she demanded.

Giles sighed. "I offered my help."

"And that got you the cold shoulder?" Willow asked. "He must be even more prickly than Spike was."

Buffy supposed that they were all beginning to think of Spike and William as different people.

"William and Spike are the same person," Dawn objected, having heard the tail-end of Willow's observation.

Well, okay. Apparently, not everyone thought that way.

"What did you say, Giles?" Buffy asked.

Giles sighed. "I said that a soul and a heartbeat made a difference; William seemed to disagree."

"He's right," Tara said softly. "William really isn't so different from Spike, if you knew both of them."

When Giles looked at Buffy, the Slayer raised her hands defensively. "Don't look at me. I haven't said more than two words to him since Spike made that wish." She looked at Tara questioningly. "He is okay, isn't he?"

"I think so," Tara said, reluctant to offer any information that William hadn't given her leave to share. "There's an adjustment period, of course, but I think he's handling it as well as anybody could."

"Are you kidding?" Dawn asked impatiently. "He's going nuts, and he doesn't want anybody to know."

"How do you know, Dawnie?" Buffy asked.

Her sister rolled her eyes expressively. "Because I've been hanging out with him. How would you feel if everything you were suddenly went away? It sucks, but William's trying to deal with it."

Tara sighed. "That might be true, but there's nothing we can do about it unless William decides that he wants our help."

Buffy thought about Tara's comment for a long time that day and the next. It had been really nice having Giles in town; it had given her one more way to avoid thinking about Spike. Plus, Giles had been kind enough to help her file the paperwork with the court to order her father to pay child support for Dawn. Her Watcher had also suggested that she actually go in to see the social worker assigned to her case and seize the bull by the horns, so to speak.

The new caseworker had been nice, and refreshingly sympathetic; Buffy had walked out of their meeting feeling like she didn't have to worry about someone swooping in and taking custody. The social worker had pointed out that it might be better if their father had custody of Dawn, but had also stated that, if he wasn't willing to take it, then Buffy was the next best candidate.

Giles had also convinced her to quit her job at the Doublemeat Palace, telling her that he'd help out with the mortgage, among other things, until she found something better. While there weren't a lot of places that would hire her in Sunnydale, Buffy had had one interview at one of the nicer restaurants in town, and it looked like she'd be able to get a job there. She'd also managed to get her application for the fall semester at UC Sunnydale, and it appeared as though she'd be able to start school again then.

In short, her life was going better than it had been in months—which made the edge of melancholy that accompanied her all the more inexplicable.

Thinking about Tara's comment as it related to William, however, made Buffy realize that she missed Spike. She still didn't regret breaking up with him, but she missed his company on patrol, and on her back porch.

Buffy regretted everything about how she'd handled their relationship. She'd had sex with him because she'd wanted to feel, wanted him to make her feel, and had known that he would tolerate everything she dished out without complaint.

Or nearly without complaint. The one time he'd really tried to get in her way, she'd nearly killed him, and Buffy did regret that.

She kept remembering the night they'd spent in his crypt, right before she'd hurt him so badly in the alleyway outside the police station. Buffy had almost liked him then, could see the possibility of loving him. There had been moments like that, and those were the moments that she remembered now that Spike was beyond her reach.

That was why she mourned him quietly—because even if William did unbend enough to ask someone for the help that Dawn insisted that he needed, he wouldn't come to her.

~~~~~~

"Thanks for agreeing to have dinner with me tonight," Willow said. "I've missed you."

Tara smiled, feeling a little uncomfortable. The last thing she wanted or needed was for Willow to put any pressure on her regarding their relationship. "I've missed you, too," she replied honestly. "But I've been busy with finals, and trying to help William."

Willow nodded, and Tara could see from her expression that she was dying to ask a question. "What is it?" she asked.

"What's he like?" Willow asked. "I mean, you said he's like Spike, but..." She paused. "You like him."

"I liked Spike, too," Tara replied. "William is—he needs a friend. I know you've been in the same position before."

"Yeah, sure," Willow said. "It's just—never mind. It's not important. How did finals go?"

"Good," Tara replied. "I think I passed all my classes, anyway. I'll have to wait for grades to come out to know for sure how well I did, though."

Willow smiled. "Yeah, sometimes it's hard to know how things went." She paused, fidgeting in her seat. "Look, I know you told me that you were subletting until the end of the semester, and I wanted to tell you that Buffy's completely okay with you moving back in. If you wanted to."

This was what Tara had been afraid of; Willow's reaction to William when he'd first begun staying with her had cautioned her against jumping back into their relationship, and this was only reinforcing that anxiety. Because Willow still showed signs of wanting to control their relationship, the last thing she needed was for Willow to begin to exert pressure to move their reconciliation along faster.

Tara wasn't even sure that it was going to work out in the long run, even though she was willing to give it a try.

"I can't," she said gently.

Willow swallowed. "Oh."

"I'm not ready to move back in, Willow," Tara explained. "I've already made other arrangements."

To her credit, Willow didn't try to pressure her. "Okay. I—I understand if you're not ready. I want to give you whatever time you need, because I get why you would have a hard time trusting me after everything. I do. If you need anything, though, you know you can come to me, right?"

Tara nodded, saying gently, "I know. It's just that I'm not ready, and William can still use the company. Plus, it helped him to have another name on the rental agreement."

"Oh. Sure," Willow said, obviously uncomfortable with the mention of William; their last argument had been prompted by a discussion of him, something she obviously remembered. "It's just that I don't know what to do, Tara."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know what more I can do to make you trust me," Willow said. "I want to do whatever it takes to prove that I won't go back to the magic."

Tara frowned, saying a quick, silent prayer for patience. "It's not about staying away from the magic, Willow; it's about not misusing it. If I knew that you wouldn't use magic to make things go your way, if I knew that you would treat it with the respect it deserves, I wouldn't have any worries."

Willow frowned. "I don't understand."

Tara knew that she didn't; that was most of their problem, really. "I know. I'm sure it's just going to take time, but I can't tell you how much. Please don't try to push it."

"I won't," Willow said earnestly. "I want you to trust me again, Tara."

Tara wanted to trust her; she just wasn't sure that she could.

~~~~~

"Are you sure you can't stay any longer?" Buffy asked.

Giles wished that he could. Being back in Sunnydale felt a lot like being home, in a way that being in England hadn't, strangely enough. He no longer felt as though his presence was a stumbling block to Buffy dealing with things; maybe it never had been. Giles suspected that much of Buffy's apathy before his departure had been due to her desperate desire to hide the fact that she'd been in heaven, and not some sort of hell.

Buffy had been so desperate to protect her friends from the truth of their folly that she'd let everything else go.

Still, he didn't have a choice at the moment. Giles still had a flat in Bath, and he had his duties with the Council. There was the possibility that he would be able to relocate to Sunnydale on a permanent basis, but it was going to take some time and effort.

"I'm certain," Giles replied. "I will be back soon, though, and I'll expect frequent updates."

"Ditto from my end," Buffy said. "I'll let you know where things are with Dad."

"Good," Giles said. "Because if you can't get to him through normal channels, I might be able to pull a few strings."

She hugged him hard. "I wish I could take you to the airport, but—"

"Don't worry about it," he insisted. "I'll be just fine."

Buffy left soon afterwards for her shift at her new job; Giles hoped that it was better than working at the Doublemeat Palace, although he certainly didn't see how it wouldn't be. He wondered if Dawn was going to deign to say goodbye to him before he left; she'd mostly ignored him while he'd been there, obviously punishing him both for leaving and for his remarks to William.

Giles wished he'd handled that interaction better. He'd been doing a lot of thinking about William's words, and he'd found that he couldn't disagree. If Spike had been changing even before becoming human again, then Giles probably ought to have done more to acknowledge those efforts; good ought always to be encouraged, even when it came from an unexpected source.

He probably ought to have done a better job of maintaining contact with Dawn and Buffy, as well. Although he wasn't their father, he was the closest thing to it, and they didn't have anyone else looking out for their best interests.

Giles had forgotten somewhere along the way that even adults needed guidance at times; he himself certainly did. The only difference was that he didn't often know where to get it.

Of course, he'd already promised Anya that he would return soon to help her with inventory; he'd also given her leave to hire help, since she was frequently called away on vengeance-related business and couldn't control when she would have to leave.

She had surprised him with her kiss, and her quick explanation that she'd wanted to know if kissing him felt as good with her memories intact as it had without. Giles had, on occasion, wondered the same thing, and he hadn't been at all surprised to discover that her lips were just as warm, just as soft, and just as tempting.

He was going to be thinking about her kiss for a good long while, and it gave him one more reason to hurry back to Sunnydale, even though he had invited Anya to drop in whenever she felt like it.

With her ability to teleport, that wasn't a problem.

The sounding of a car horn from outside broke him out of his thoughts, and Giles realized that his taxi had arrived. He began gathering his luggage, then immediately dropped it again as Dawn came hurtling down the stairs to embrace him. "Come back soon," she ordered imperiously.

"I will," he promised, putting his arms around her awkwardly. It was only slightly easier to be openly affectionate with Buffy; Dawn wasn't his Slayer, and was therefore no real relation to him.

And yet he still cared.

Dawn released him just as abruptly as she'd hugged him, picking up one of the dropped bags and carrying it out to put it in the trunk. "Have a safe trip," she said, before disappearing back inside without waiting for his answer.

Giles looked at the familiar house and sighed, wishing that regret wasn't such a heavy burden.