When It Don't Come Easy

Author: enigmaticblue

Rating: PG-13

Archive: If you already have my stuff, if not please ask.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, and I'm certainly not making any money off them, more's the pity.

Summary: Going rapidly AU during the events of Entropy in BtVS S6, Spike makes a couple of wishes that will change everything. What is Buffy going to do when presented with a very different Spike—who doesn't feel quite the same way about her anymore?

A/N: This fic presupposes my short stories, The Lonely Hearts Club and The Way to a Poet's Heart. You don't have to have read those; just know that in this 'verse Spike and Tara have become pretty good friends.

Chapter 7: Reparations

"How I wish I could surrender my soul;/Shed the clothes that become my skin;/See the liar that burns within my needing./How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold./How I wish I had screamed out loud,/Instead I've found no meaning./I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain/All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble./Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray./I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble./It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain./How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;/Hold memory close at hand,/Help me understand the years./How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell./How I wish I could save my soul./It's so cold from fear." ~James Blunt, "Tears and Rain"

"Buffy."

His eyes were so cold; Buffy could hardly believe that it was the same man in front of her. Dawn had been right, though—Spike and William were the same person.

She hated coming to him, hated having to ask him for anything at all. Still, she had a demon to kill, and Xander and Willow were coming with her as backup. Even if Willow couldn't do magic, she could at least hold a crossbow; Buffy just needed someone else there to provide a distraction.

That meant that someone needed to be with Dawn, however, and Tara and Spike were the only people she trusted.

No; it was William now. She had to remember that.

"I need a favor," Buffy said, forging ahead before he could refuse without hearing her request. "I've got a demon to take care of tonight, and I need someone to stay with Dawn."

His expression softened considerably. "Of course. I'll be happy to stay with her."

"Thank you," she said. "Look, I can probably pay you."

"No." William shook his head, and Buffy could see that he'd let his hair grow in the past weeks; it was longer now, and curly. It was no wonder that he'd always slicked it back; the current style softened his appearance a great deal. "I don't need to be paid to look after Dawn; it's my pleasure."

Buffy nodded, giving him a brief smile. "I'll walk her over on our way. The best time to catch this thing is after dark, so we're waiting for the sun to go down."

"Why don't I pick her up?" he suggested, unbending slightly. "That should save you a trip."

"Thanks," Buffy said again, wondering at how easy it was to show a little gratitude to this man, who was a near stranger to her; after all, she didn't know him anymore, not like Dawn and Tara did. It made her wonder what had really changed, because Spike had often helped, and she'd rarely expressed any kind of appreciation.

"It's no trouble," William replied. "As I said, spending time with Dawn is my pleasure."

She nodded, not knowing how to take her leave. She'd come over to his apartment, since that was where both William and Tara could be found these days, and neither had a phone yet as far as she knew; he hadn't invited her inside, however, and Buffy didn't know what to do with herself. "I'll see you later tonight. Around 9:30?" she said finally.

"Of course."

The sound of the door closing seemed to echo in her ears long after she'd left the building; Buffy had to wonder if that's how it had felt to Spike—as though she was continually putting walls and doors between them.

The more time that went by, the more Buffy realized that she missed Spike. It wasn't just the sex, although she had missed that enough to take matters into her own hands more than a few times. Mostly, it was just Spike that she missed; the way he moved, the way his voice dropped when he was trying to seduce her, the way he held her when he thought she wasn't paying attention.

She just missed him, although not enough to regret breaking it off with him; that had needed to be done, and it probably would have been better never to have started it in the first place. She'd known it was wrong to use him, but Buffy had gone ahead and done it anyway, telling herself that it didn't matter because he was a vampire and therefore couldn't feel.

The lies rang hollow now; she couldn't even make herself believe them anymore.

~~~~~

"I don't need a babysitter!" Dawn protested, angry that Buffy had even asked William to take care of her in the first place. She was fifteen, soon to be sixteen, and she didn't need to be watched.

Buffy sighed audibly. "Dawnie, it's not that I think you can't take care of yourself; it's that you're my sister, and there are plenty of bad guys who would come after you for that reason alone. Please, just go hang out with William tonight. You've said that you like being over there often enough that I figured you wouldn't mind."

Dawn frowned, recognizing that Buffy had a point, but not wanting to acknowledge it out of principle. "I guess I could go. William got cable, so it won't be horribly boring."

Buffy smiled. "Thank you. He's picking you up in an hour."

Dawn watched as Buffy left her room and then flopped back down onto her bed, wondering how she could work this new arrangement into her scheme. She'd been trying to get Buffy and William in the same room for a month, but to no avail; neither one was cooperating with her.

She just knew that they were perfect for each other, if only they would see it.

Of course, she'd felt the same way when William had been a vampire and obsessed with her sister, but Dawn hadn't actually considered doing anything about it then; Spike and Buffy seemed to be together often enough that she hadn't needed to contrive a means to put them together. These days, they rarely spoke, and William stayed mostly to himself, the only exceptions being herself and Tara.

In truth, Dawn was worried about him; William didn't seem very happy, and he didn't really do anything. He read a lot, and he hung out with her and Tara when they were available, but other than that...

Well, Dawn suspected that he was more than a little depressed; having recently seen the look on Buffy, she knew it well.

What he needed was to get out of the apartment, maybe get a job. Get out among other people, for sure. Dawn thought that he needed to get back to the business of living, but she didn't blame him for being out of practice. It had been a while, after all.

She was just going to have to give him a little nudge in the right direction, that was all.

~~~~~

Xander and Willow tagged along behind Buffy, toting their weapons. Not that they were expecting to do much; Buffy had been very clear about the need for them to stay back, given the size and probable hunger of the demon. A crossbow was a long-distance weapon, though, and they could provide a distraction for the Slayer.

"So have you seen Anya at all?" Willow asked him in a low voice.

He shook his head. "No, it hurts too much, and I know she doesn't want to see me. We're done; there's no way she's ever going to forgive me for what I did."

Willow regarded it as an improvement that Xander didn't tear up at the mention of Anya's name, which was what he'd been doing for the first couple of weeks after Spike had made the wish. "Are you feeling better?"

"I can make it through the work day without wishing I could suffer a fatal accident," Xander joked, although it fell rather flat. At the look of horror on Willow's face, he quickly added, "I wasn't going to do anything about it, Will."

"You'd better not!" she threatened. "What would I do without you?"

Xander didn't respond to that question, knowing that any answer he gave would be less than positive; he'd been feeling as though the world might be able to get along just fine without him these days. "How about you and Tara?" he asked, changing the subject.

"I don't think she's ever going to trust me again," Willow admitted. "She keeps telling me that it's not about the magic, but I don't know what else I can do to prove that I'm not going to hurt her, other than staying away from it."

Xander hesitated. "I think I can understand where she's coming from, though. You were using magic to control things, Willow, and Tara's going to have to trust that you won't take control like that again, and that's going to take time."

Willow frowned. "But—"

"Hush," Buffy said from several feet in front of them. "We're getting close."

They quieted down, but Willow was left to think about what Xander had said; she didn't necessarily disagree, since she had taken control of Tara in a way, and she'd used magic to do it. That was just it, though; it had been the magic. Willow never would have hurt Tara if she'd been in her right mind at the time.

It was the magic, that's all, and Willow knew better now.

She didn't have much time to consider what Xander had said; the demon rose up in front of them, and Willow quickly understood why Buffy had wanted them to provide backup. The demon was a huge, two-headed creature; the Slayer couldn't hold off both snapping mouths at once, so Willow and Xander began shooting at one thick, snake-like neck with their crossbows.

They weren't great shots, but Xander managed to get its attention by sinking a bolt into its throat. The left head gave a squeaky roar and turned its attention to them; Buffy took advantage of its distraction, chopping away at the base of the right neck with strong overhand strokes with the sword she'd brought.

Willow sent her last bolt into its chest, but the thick hide prevented the quarrel from doing any real damage. Instead, the demon sent its head swinging from side to side, knocking both her and Xander over.

The creature bared its teeth in what looked like a satisfied grin and she panicked, murmuring the words of the first spell that came to mind. The thing froze in mid-snap, and Xander rolled out of the way to avoid its teeth.

Buffy took advantage of the respite, cutting off first one head and then the other while the thing remained frozen.

Willow released the spell, then let out a half-sob. She really hadn't meant to use magic, but it had been the only thing she could think of doing. If Tara found out, any reparations that Willow had managed to make would come undone.

Buffy and Xander turned to stare at her. "I didn't mean to," Willow assured them. "Really, it just happened."

"It's probably a good thing," Xander said slowly, looking at the carcass. "If you hadn't stopped it..." He trailed off, obviously thinking of the damage that the demon's teeth might have done to him.

Buffy nodded. "It's okay, Will. You did the right thing."

Willow wasn't so sure.

~~~~~

"Here's one," Tara suggested, circling the advertisement in the paper. "I think it sounds interesting."

William read the job ad, giving her a dubious look. "I don't know."

"What's wrong with it?"

"Nothing," William admitted. There had been nothing wrong with the last three employment advertisements that Tara had shown him; it was just that the very thought of having to fill out applications and interview for a position filled him with dread. Since he had plenty of money, there was no real pressure to find employment, and right now the terror of active job hunting was stronger than his boredom.

"How's the Magic Box?" Dawn asked Tara.

The three of them were scattered around William's living room; Dawn was watching some show that William found rather inane and pointless, but he hadn't the heart to tell her to turn it off. Tara, meanwhile, was helping him look at employment ads in the hopes of finding him something to do.

William knew that he needed to do something with his time. It hadn't been an issue when he was a vampire, and when he'd been human, he'd busied himself looking after his mother's affairs and writing poetry. Both were out of the question now, as far as he was concerned.

Tara was spending most of her summer working part time at the Magic Box and taking summer classes; she wanted to graduate in four years, to reduce her loans, and also wanted to be able to lighten her load during her last year of college.

"It's fine," Tara said. "I enjoy helping people find what they need, and there are all kinds of interesting customers."

"Maybe you could get a job like that," Dawn proposed to William. "I'd bet you'd be good at it."

He grunted in reply, unconvinced. William honestly had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. The more time that went by, the more he realized that he was going to have to figure something out. He was going to age now; he was going to grow old with all that entailed. William had to start worrying about things like retirement and savings and investments.

Not to mention illness and health insurance. Tara had been making comments to him recently, subtly suggesting that he might want to look into doing something about making sure he could see a doctor if necessary.

Honestly, there was nothing that he could see himself doing for the rest of his life; it had been such a long time since he'd had to worry about anything like that, and times had changed so much since then.

"You'll figure it out," Tara encouraged him. "Just give it some time."

William summoned up a smile for her. "Of course."

The knock on the door spared him from having to talk about it any more, and Dawn quickly scrambled to her feet. "I'll get it," she announced.

He somehow knew that it was her, of course; who else would it be? Tara and Dawn were the only others that came by, and Buffy was bound to show up at some point that night to pick up her younger sister. There was a part of William that wanted to offer both of them a ride home.

He had purchased a car to replace the Desoto—sold to provide money after that long, awful summer, before Buffy had come back. Spike had known that Dawn would need money, and the witches weren't going to be able to do much. With Giles returning to England, Spike had been the only one with ready access to cash. He'd finally admitted that he wasn't leaving Sunnydale anytime soon, and sold the car.

William didn't regret that choice now, even though Spike had done it for love of a dead Slayer, rather than for the Slayer's sister. He would have done the same, solely to make sure that Dawn was taken care of.

The car he had now was rather unassuming, and although he could have afforded something a little more flashy, there was a part of him that didn't trust his new fortune. William sometimes dreamt about waking up a vampire again, about all the money he now had vanishing into thin air. It was a lingering fear that left him living modestly; fear and the frugality his mother had instilled in him. She had seen far too many families brought to ruin through profligate spending; she'd been determined that her own son wouldn't do any such thing.

So William had a car, and he could easily have driven Buffy and Dawn back to their house, but he wasn't going to offer his services; he still remembered all too well what being used felt like. Staying with Dawn was different, because he'd have done that on his own.

"You ready to go, Dawn?" Buffy asked from the doorway.

Dawn nodded. "I just have to get my stuff together." When Buffy didn't move from the doorway, her younger sister turned back to look at her. "Aren't you coming in?"

Buffy hesitated. "I'll wait out here."

"Come in, Buffy," William said, the manners that had been instilled in him from childhood mandated that he invite her inside.

"Thanks." She stepped inside, looking around cautiously. "This is a nice place."

William nodded. "It is, thank you. How have you been?" When in doubt, be as polite as possible.

"Good," Buffy replied, equally polite. "You?"

"I've been well." William had no idea what to say to her.

Dawn popped up between the two of them. "I'm ready."

"All right," Buffy said, not looking away from William. "See you around?"

She made it sound more like a question than a statement, and William felt compelled to respond. "Yes, I suppose you will."

"Bye, Tara!" Dawn called out as she left. Buffy echoed her farewell, and then the door shut behind them, blocking William's view.

Tara gave him a knowing look. "It's awkward, isn't it?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," William replied stiffly.

"William, I know what it's like to have to talk to a person you used to be in a relationship with," she reminded him.

William sighed. "It is awkward; I don't know what to say to her anymore. I don't know that I ever did."

"It just takes time," Tara said, repeating her earlier advice.

William supposed that he had plenty of that these days.

~~~~~

"Did you guys get the demon?" Dawn asked. The silence had seemed to drag on forever, and it had finally become so uncomfortable that she felt the need to say something.

"We got it."

That was it, and Dawn hid a sigh. "Anything interesting happen?"

"Willow used a spell to immobilize the demon so we could kill it."

Dawn stared at her sister. "I thought Willow wasn't going to use magic!"

"She wasn't; it just kind of happened." Buffy shrugged. "She kept Xander from getting hurt."

Dawn swallowed, suddenly very uncomfortable with the idea of Willow being in their house. The only reason she hadn't made a fuss about Willow continuing to live with them was because she had promised to stay away from the spells. "Buffy..."

"It was the heat of the moment, Dawn," Buffy assured her. "It's not going to happen again."

"You don't know that," Dawn objected. "If she slips in the middle of an emergency, she could slip when things aren't going her way."

Buffy glared at Dawn. "She did it to protect us, not to help herself. Don't make a big deal out of this. Willow feels bad enough already."

"Like she felt bad when she broke my arm?" Dawn asked.

"Dawnie—"

"No, Buffy," Dawn said. "You don't know that she isn't going to screw up again, and I don't want to be around for it when it happens."

"She's not going to hurt us," Buffy assured her younger sister. "It's fine."

Dawn shook her head. "We'll see," she said dubiously. "I don't think that Tara's going to agree with you on that one."

"Let Willow tell Tara herself," Buffy ordered. "This isn't any of your business."

Dawn didn't know about that, but she nodded anyway, knowing that Buffy was waiting for some acknowledgement that she had heard. "Fine."

Not that she was going to make any promises, because if Willow was going to go off the deep end again, Dawn wasn't going to be there for it. No matter what Buffy wanted.