When It Don't Come Easy

Author: enigmaticblue

Rating: PG-13

Archive: If you already have my stuff, if not please ask.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, and I'm certainly not making any money off them, more's the pity.

Summary: Going rapidly AU during the events of Entropy in BtVS S6, Spike makes a couple of wishes that will change everything. What is Buffy going to do when presented with a very different Spike—who doesn't feel quite the same way about her anymore?

A/N: This fic presupposes my short stories, The Lonely Hearts Club and The Way to a Poet's Heart. You don't have to have read those; just know that in this 'verse Spike and Tara have become pretty good friends.

Chapter 9: Familiar Strangers

"I don't know your face no more/Or feel the touch that I adore/I don't know your face no more/It's just a place I'm looking for...I don't know your thoughts these days/We're strangers in an empty space/I don't understand your heart/It's easier to be apart/We might as well be strangers in another town/We might as well be living in another time/For all I know of you now." ~Keane, "We Might As Well Be Strangers"

Dawn was plotting; it was something she was pretty good at. The entire problem, as she saw it, was that William never really hung out with anyone except for her and Tara. Although that was fine, as far as she was concerned, it meant that he wasn't meeting anybody new.

Even if William wasn't in love with her sister anymore, Dawn didn't think that was any reason for them to completely avoid each other.

She had considered and discarded calling them both and pretending to be in trouble, thereby having them run into each other while ostensibly trying to rescue her. The problem with that idea was that they were sure to be pissed off at her, and that was the last thing she needed. Knowing Buffy, she would be grounded for forever, and William would be stiffly polite to her for the next week until he got over it.

No, Dawn needed to do something even sneakier than that, but she wasn't sure what it might be.

At least, she didn't know until she went to the Bronze with Buffy and Willow, and saw William and Tara leaving. "Hey, are you guys taking off already?" she asked. "You should stay."

"You should," Willow urged, looking at Tara. "That would be great."

William glanced at Tara. "You can stay. I think I'd better get home."

Tara looked torn. "William..."

Dawn frowned, suddenly noticing the wounded light in William's eyes. "What happened?"

"Nothing happened," William replied. "I'm just tired; that's all. I think I'm just going to go home, but you should stay, Tara."

Unexpectedly, Buffy spoke up. "You shouldn't walk home by yourself, William." When he looked like he was about to protest, she added, "I was going to patrol tonight, anyway. I'll walk you back."

Dawn could see that he wasn't terribly thrilled with that idea, but there wasn't any way he could decline her offer politely, and William was always polite. At least, Dawn hadn't seen him be rude to anybody yet.

"Very well," he finally said. "I'll see you later, Tara. Good night, Dawn, Willow."

"What was that about?" Dawn demanded as soon as Buffy and William were out of earshot.

Tara sighed. "We ran into Xander earlier, and I think he blames William for how he feels."

Willow winced. "Well, Spike was the one to make the wish. Not that he didn't deserve at least a little bit of it," she quickly added at seeing the look on Tara's face. "It certainly doesn't give Xander the right to be mean to him."

Tara shook her head. "Xander's hurting, and he wants to make other people hurt, too. I've seen it happen before."

Dawn realized that Buffy had left her with Willow and Tara—which wasn't a bad thing, except that she was already starting to get very "together" vibes from them, and that left her the third wheel.

"Dawn?"

She turned to see one of the guys from her school standing there. Dawn hadn't seen Eric all summer, and he'd grown about six inches—and somehow gotten a lot cuter. "Hey, Eric."

He gave her a shy smile. "You here with someone?"

"Uh," Dawn hesitated, looking back at Tara and Willow, both of whom made shooing motions with their hands, clearly encouraging her to go have fun. "Not really. What about you?"

"Just some friends," Eric said, looking over at a table full of other classmates. "Do you want to come sit with us? We've got room for one more."

Dawn gave him a bright smile. "Sure."

~~~~~

"You didn't have to escort me home."

"Part of the job description," Buffy replied, not knowing what else to say to him. He was so different these days that she hardly knew how to respond.

William shrugged. "I'm sure you have better things to do."

"Other than make sure you don't get turned again?" Buffy asked. "Not really. I figure preventing someone from becoming a vampire is even better than dusting the ones that are already turned."

He nodded, acceding her point. "How have you been?"

Apparently, William did small talk, which was odd. Spike never had, unless he was trying to get her to go out on a date, or trying to distract her from his real purpose. "Good. You know, it's the usual thing. Work, slay, sleep."

"Tara said that you were going back to university this fall," William said.

Buffy shrugged. "Buffy finally gets her act together. I guess it took me long enough."

"You've had quite a bit to deal with as of late," William pointed out. "You shouldn't be so hard on yourself."

Buffy wondered how on earth he could be so kind to her, especially given the fact that he seemed to have no feelings for her at all—unless it was disdain. "Maybe," was all she would admit to, even though there was a part of her that wanted to explain, to apologize.

She'd used William's name when she broke up with Spike; Buffy had to wonder how he felt about that now.

"This is our apartment building," William said as they came up to his apartment building. "Thank you for the escort home."

"My pleasure," Buffy replied, watching as he unlocked the door. "William?" she called before the door could shut behind him.

He turned in the doorway, his face in shadow, his expression unreadable. "Yes?"

"I—thank you."

William frowned. "For what?"

"You and Tara have been a huge help this summer, with Dawn," Buffy said honestly. "You guys have been a good influence on her."

Buffy watched as he froze, going completely still. "I—" He stopped, apparently speechless. "The pleasure has been mine."

"If there's ever anything I can do for you, let me know," Buffy said, then watched as he nodded shortly and ducked into the building. She let out a long breath, smiling to herself. That small kindness had felt good.

Maybe she should do that more often.

~~~~~

Tara kept an eye out for Dawn, knowing that Buffy wouldn't want her little sister left alone. She would probably need Willow and Dawn to drop her by her apartment before they walked home later—unless she went back to the Summers' house with Willow.

If the other girl made the suggestion, Tara wasn't sure she'd refuse.

As though Willow had read her mind, she asked, "Do you want to come home with me tonight?"

Tara hesitated. "I don't know if that's such a good idea."

Willow's face fell. "Okay."

Tara could see that the other woman was fighting her first instinct, which was to try and convince her that getting back together was a good idea. "It's not that I don't want to," she hastened to assure her. "It's just that I don't think that rushing back into things would be a good thing."

"We haven't rushed anything," Willow protested. "We've been taking things slow all summer. I mean, if you don't want to, I understand, but I just don't know what else I can do to convince you that I'm better."

Tara thought that she might be convinced if Willow stopped treating her problem like it was a sickness, rather than the tendency to wrest control from others and nature. It showed a frightening lack of respect for the natural order, and for the autonomy of others. At the same time, Tara was equally certain that Willow had only the best of intentions.

And she knew what they said about good intentions.

It was against her better judgment, and Tara was afraid that she was going to kick herself in the morning, but she nodded. "I can come over tonight."

Willow's luminescent smile should have been all Tara needed to assure herself that this was a good idea, but it somehow wasn't enough.

~~~~~

William glanced up from the morning paper as Tara came through the front door of the apartment. "How was your night?" he asked mildly.

Tara just shook her head. "I'm going to shower."

He frowned as she left the room, suddenly very worried about her. Between the two of them, Tara was the one who was usually calm and collected, and if she was upset, there was something big going on.

William started the kettle for tea, planning on making something soothing. He also began getting out ingredients for a simple breakfast, just eggs and toast. Tara had been working on teaching him his way around the kitchen, and he'd come a long way over the course of the summer. He was, at least, unlikely to burn anything these days, and could even follow a recipe if it was clear enough.

Tara came out of the bathroom with her robe wrapped around her and her hair in a towel; William was no longer uncomfortable with her being in such a state of undress—possibly because he saw women on the street showing more skin. The other part was that they were so comfortable together these days that it didn't even register.

She was like family.

"I've got tea," he called. "And I'm making breakfast." Tara stared at him, and William could see that she had been crying. "Tara?"

"Give me a minute," she managed to choke out. "I'll be there in a minute."

He nodded. "Take your time, love."

Fifteen minutes later, Tara was seated at their small table, a towel draped over her shoulders to catch the dampness from her still-wet hair. "Thank you," she murmured as she sipped her tea, now composed.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

William didn't press; instead, he bent his head over his paper again, pretending to pay attention to the news of a world that no longer made sense to him. He had a feeling that Tara would speak to him eventually, even if she didn't explain in detail.

Sure enough, after she'd eaten her eggs and a couple of pieces of toast, Tara sighed. "It was weird."

There was a part of him that wanted details; there was another part that didn't want to know anything at all. William swallowed his next question for the more neutral, "Are you okay?"

"Not really," she admitted. "I thought that we were perfect for each other, William. Willow is the only person I've ever really been in love with, but last night was just—awkward."

He hesitated, then tentatively said, "I don't think I understand."

"I don't know that I understand," Tara confessed with a bitter laugh. "I just know that nothing felt the same as it did before. I couldn't let go completely."

William frowned, beginning to understand. "You still don't trust her, and it's interfering in your relationship on every level."

An expression of relief crossed Tara's face. "That's it exactly, but I don't want to let this go. I'm not ready to call it quits forever."

William frowned, thinking about what he might do in the same situation, what he might want. "Perhaps you need a gesture of good faith," he suggested. "Something that Willow could do that would prove she's changed, or that she wants to change."

Tara considered that for a minute. "That's not a bad idea."

"I do occasionally have good ideas," William said with a smile.

She met his eyes, her focus suddenly on him rather than herself. "He was wrong, you know."

Thrown off by the sudden change of subject, William raised an eyebrow. "I beg your pardon?"

"Xander," Tara replied. "He was wrong. You're a good man."

William's expression was wistful. "Thank you."

Too bad that he couldn't quite bring himself to believe her.

~~~~~

Daniel didn't even bother training him, since there wasn't much to learn. "Best thing about this job is that you're surrounded by books all day," Daniel commented. "Feel free to read whatever you want, as long as you return them in the same condition."

"Thank you." Being surrounded by so many books made William feel as rich as Midas. He'd been quite the collector when he'd been human the first time, but Spike hadn't done much reading in the intervening years. Not that he hadn't read at all, but it hadn't been a high priority for him.

"Only thing better is fishing," Daniel said. "You been fishing recently?"

William shook his head, pulling himself out of his reverie. "I've never gone fishing," he admitted.

Daniel snorted. "You never went with your dad?"

"No. He didn't do much fishing, and he died when I was fairly young." William touched the spine of a well-worn copy of Heart of Darkness, thinking that it might be a good book to start with; he certainly felt as though he had a "heart of darkness."

The old man gave him a sharp look. "Then your mom raised you."

"Yes," William said, not knowing what more to say. He didn't want Daniel's pity.

"She's not around anymore, either." It was a statement, rather than a question, and William was grateful for Daniel's matter-of-fact attitude. "I lost both my parents when I wasn't much older than you are now."

That was all that he said, but it was enough to form a bond of sorts. After some discussion, it was agreed that William would work four mornings a week to allow Daniel to do the fishing that he loved, along with working full time during any vacations he might take. "I don't expect you to work Christmas day and the like," Daniel said. "I always shut the shop up for that sort of thing."

It promised to be an easy job, with the ready access to so many books, and the comfortable atmosphere, enough to make it enjoyable. William left the shop that day feeling a little more optimistic about things.

On a whim, William stopped in at the Magic Box on his way back to the apartment. He couldn't remember if it was Tara or Anya working, but he wasn't disappointed to see Anya. "William!" she said with a smile. "How are you?"

"I'm well," he replied, and for the first time it wasn't a lie. "How are you?"

Anya gave him a big smile. "I'm great."

"That's good to hear." William wasn't sure what else to say; although it had seemed polite to check in with Anya, he didn't know what else to say.

"Are you still angry with Hallie?" Anya asked. "I could have told her not to grant your wish if I'd known what she was up to. Although, it's suitable vengeance, so I can't fault her for that."

William frowned. "Suitable vengeance for whom? Her?"

"Hallie?" Anya asked, surprised that he hadn't understood. "No, of course not. Unless you had a vengeance wish against her."

William's eyes narrowed, thinking of all the vengeance he wouldn't mind wreaking on her. She had ruined his life twice now, although he thought that in both instances it might all come out right in the end. That hadn't been the person he'd been thinking of when he'd made the wish, though. "You meant Buffy, then."

"Of course," Anya replied. "It's really perfect when you think about it."

He shook his head, taking a seat at the wooden table at the center of the shop. "I don't think I understand."

Anya gave him a pitying look. "William, your wish removed any obstacle there might be for Buffy to be with you. She likes you, and now you don't like her. It's bound to hurt."

William snorted, a sound that caused him to sound a lot more like Spike in that moment. "She doesn't like me." Even as he said it, his expression turned uncertain as he recalled her gratitude of the previous evening.

Anya nodded smugly. "See? It's funny how when someone's hard to get they become a lot more attractive. Xander seems to be similarly affected."

"Has he been coming around you lately?"

"Oh, he'll drift by the shop and stare through the windows," Anya said with apparent disdain. "He missed his chance. I'm not going to fall for someone that immature again."

William gave her a sharp look. "Do you miss him?"

"I miss the orgasms," Anya said bluntly. "I suppose you could say that I miss what we could have been, but I don't miss him. That part is over, thanks to that wish you made."

William thought about that on his way home, realizing that he felt the same way where it concerned Buffy. He missed the sex, and he missed what could have been between them—if she'd given him an honest chance—but he didn't miss her.

Not really.

"Honesty," he muttered, reminding himself not to be blind to the truth. William wasn't going to allow himself to be blinded again. In all honesty, there were moments when he missed Buffy, missed the camaraderie they'd had. When Buffy had first returned from the grave, there had been something there—something between her and Spike that had been soft and real.

William couldn't miss what it had turned into, and that was what first came to mind when he thought about Buffy—her expression one of anger as she pounded his face, her contempt when she threw the money at him. Her fists, her words—they were harsh, abrasive, and William couldn't live with that. Unlike Spike, he didn't thrive on pain.

William could feed on unrequited love for a while, but not on abuse.

~~~~~

Xander felt guilty; it was a new feeling where William was concerned. Mostly it was the sense that he'd crossed a line somewhere.

He wouldn't have had to sit with them; he could have walked out of the Bronze altogether. Instead, he'd made a complete and utter ass out of himself.

There. He'd admitted it.

Xander believed that humans and vampires were fundamentally different, and he didn't think that he was wrong on that one. That meant that he had to accept that Spike and William were two entirely separate people, though, which meant that he'd just intentionally hurt a human. A guy who'd never done anything to him.

Assuming, of course, that Spike and William were separate people. If they weren't, then Xander's words would be slightly (only slightly) more justified, and he didn't have to feel like such a bully. Accepting that they were the same people would mean changing his entire worldview, which Xander wasn't quite ready to do.

Every time he thought of that possibility, Xander remembered Jesse's face as he drove the stake home. If Spike, as a vampire, could have changed on his own, then surely Jesse could have changed.

Xander needed to retain his black and white perceptions. He needed to believe that there was good and there was evil, and the good guys fought the bad guys. The good guys did not fraternize with the bad guys.

The more time went by, however, the more holes got poked in that theory. Xander had experienced a level of darkness within his own soul that had left him reeling. Before that demon had shown up at his wedding, Xander would have said that he'd die for Anya without hesitation. Now, he knew that under the right circumstances he could kill her—also without hesitation.

What did that mean, really?

Xander had allowed his temper to get the better of him again, and he'd taken it out on William. And, while Spike had been a pain in his ass, Xander hadn't said much more than two words to William.

Xander knew that he probably should apologize, but it was the last thing he wanted to do.

"You're thinking pretty hard," Buffy said, glancing over at him as they wandered through their third cemetery of the night. "What's up?"

Buffy had invited him to patrol with her again, and he'd decided that accompanying her was a much better idea than staying home and getting drunk. Since the next day was Sunday, Xander could look forward to sleeping in, too.

"Just thinking about what an ass I can be," he admitted.

Buffy looked amused. "Is there a particular incident you're thinking of?"

"Very funny," Xander said sourly. "I'm being serious."

"So am I," she said. "I can't help unless I know what it's about."

Xander made a face. "I ran into Spike—William and Tara at the Bronze last night."

Buffy looked as though something had just clicked. "That's why he didn't want to stay," she said, as if to herself.

"William told you?" Xander asked.

The Slayer shook her head in surprise. "No, William just wanted to go home as soon as we got there. I wasn't sure why he was in such a hurry."

"That would be me," Xander said. "Chasing people away for no good reason."

Buffy looked sympathetic. "Been there, done that." She hesitated. "What's your big problem with Spike, Xander? Or what was your big problem, since he's not really Spike anymore."

"I just didn't like him." Xander had never really thought about the "why" of hating Spike. He just did, that was all.

That kind of an attitude wasn't going to work anymore, though, and Xander was beginning to get the feeling that if he didn't rein in his temper soon, he could end up losing a lot more than he was willing to give up.

A lot more.