Spoilers: I suppose through BtVS S5, but I'm doing some rearranging.

Summary: This is a sequel to "The Great Advantage of Being Alive." If you haven't read it, this one really won't make any sense. In any case, Spike's trying to find out what it means to be a man, and to fight at Buffy's side. Buffy's struggling with what it means to be the Slayer. Dawn wants to know if she's real, and Glory just really wants her Key back.

Feedback: Yes, please.

Archiving: The Sandlot, The Crypt, and anywhere else that already has my stuff.Otherwise, ask and it shall be given to you.

A/N: The title comes from a Pablo Neruda poem. The line actually goes "all the graces of the daybreak" but I liked my pun.
 

A/N: "Anhedonic" refers to an inability to take pleasure, often used to describe symptoms of clinical depression. It's a psychological term. Oh, and the terms "Scruffy-Xander" and "Suave-Xander" are thanks to the episode transcripts at www.buffy-vs-angel.com
 

Chapter 6: Out Damned Spot
 

"They say that "time assuages,"—/Time never did assuage;/An actual suffering strengthens,/As sinews do, with age./Time is a test of trouble,/But not a remedy./If such it prove, it prove too/There was no malady." ~Emily Dickinson
 

Spike was feeling oddly—happy. Not that he was usually depressed, but there was always the underlying sense of guilt, an almost anhedonic sense about the day that cast a pall over everything. It was, in fact, so constant that its absence cast everything into sharp focus. The feel of Buffy's body as he woke, the play of light over his skin—he just felt bloody good.

More than that, he felt absolutely invincible.

There was no fear—no more overwhelming sense of his own mortality. Spike felt young and alive and incredibly happy to be human, more than he'd ever thought possible.

He even felt good enough for a quick morning shag with the Slayer, and went off to work whistling. Opening the gallery was almost fun, and he greeted Joyce with a smile and a peck on the cheek when she came in a couple hours later. "Well, you're in a good mood today."

"I am," Spike agreed. "'m feelin' downright chipper."

Joyce sighed, returning his smile weakly. "Do you think you have any 'chipper' to spare?" she asked.

Spike frowned. "You feelin' a bit down, luv?"

"Just tired," she said. "I never thought I'd say this, but I'll be glad when Buffy is back in the dorms."

He gave her a sympathetic look. "Girls a bit testy with each other, are they? Would've thought with the send-off I gave her, Buffy would have been on the relaxed side."

Joyce gave him a sharp glance. She didn't find his innuendo offensive exactly, but it was a bit surprising. Spike was usually a little more reserved when talking about his relationship with Buffy in her presence.

Spike saw her look and gave her an impish grin. "Sorry, mum. That was a bit raw."

"It was," she agreed, but found a smile pull at her lips. It was difficult to stay angry with Spike for long. It was like trying to be mad at Dennis the Menace. "You're a scamp," Joyce finally said, shaking her head, and trying not to laugh.

"An' that's why you love me," he insisted. "'m off to do inventory. Would you mind if I took off a bit early today? Got some errands I need to do."

"No, not at all," Joyce replied, watching him as he retreated back into the office. There was something different about Spike today, off. It wasn't bad, it was just—she sighed, rubbing her forehead. She was picking things apart too much. Everyone was allowed to have a good day once in a while.

She thought of Giles' invitation over to his place for dinner later this week and smiled. Even she was allowed to have a good day. She just had to remember to ask Spike or Buffy to look after Dawn.

Though, if Spike was still feeling this good, she'd have to warn him to watch his tongue.

~~~~~

He leaned against the brick wall as though he were the only thing holding it up—as though it were the only thing keeping him together. It hadn't been this bad before, Spike was sure of it. Even in the Initiative, things hadn't hurt this much.

His heart hurt. His soul hurt. He felt like he was drowning. He wanted Buffy, and he was deathly afraid of her rejection when she saw him like this. He had to be strong for her. That's what she loved about him. That's what everyone loved about him. Spike was strong.

(But he wasn't, not really. No one knew how weak he was.)

He whimpered, waiting, unable to do anything but follow directions and hope that Tara would arrive soon. She would fix it; she would understand. He didn't know why, but he was sure of it.

She had to fix him before he saw Buffy again, so the Slayer wouldn't see him like this.

~~~~~

Willow was seriously puzzled by Xander's phone call, but she grabbed Tara, and they headed over to the Espresso Pump to locate Spike. The ex-vampire was around the side of the building, next to the payphone, hugging himself tightly and looking as though he were about to burst into tears at any moment. The two girls exchanged a look and hurried over to him.

"Hey, Spike," Willow said gently. "You okay?"

"'m fine," he mumbled, inching away slightly.

Tara, who had a better grip on how to deal with crazy—or even slightly crazy—people, moved to flank him, though not so noticeably that he'd be scared. "Spike, you want to tell us what happened? Where's Xander?"

"Left," he said shortly. "He had to follow himself."

Tara glanced over at Willow, seriously concerned, and then gazed at Spike, her blue-hazel eyes widening. "Willow, he's hurt really badly."

Willow frowned. She could see scratches on his hands, and some of the skin looked raw, but other than that he seemed fine. He still had the bruise on one cheek from the vampire attack, and the cut on his cheek from the night before, but Willow was pretty sure that wasn't what Tara was referring to. "What do you see, sweetie?"

"Something's happened," she said. "His aura is completely disjointed. It's like he's not completely there."

Willow's eyes widened in alarm. "But he was fine last night! Buffy was going to walk him home."

"I think we should call her," Tara said firmly. "But we need to get Spike back to a safe place right now."

Between the two of them, they managed to get Spike back to Tara's room. The blonde witch took charge of Spike as Willow called Buffy's house. As Tara wrapped a blanket around Spike's shoulders, and fixed him a cup of tea, Willow listened to the phone ring. "Darn," she muttered. "No one's picking up."

"Try Giles," Tara aid,an uncharacteristic confidence in her voice. "Maybe he can help."

Willow's eyes widened. "Or maybe it's an aftereffect of Spike getting hit by that blast. It doesn't make any sense, though. Xander sounded fine on the phone, and he got hit too."

Tara turned to Spike, who was taking small, desperate sips of tea, as though he was ready to fall apart any second and the hot liquid was the only thing holding him together. "Spike, can you tell me what happened last night?"

He shook his head. "Got hit. Stayed with Xander." He whimpered. "'s never been this bad before, Glinda. Not even at the beginning. Thought I was better."

"You are better, sweetie," she assured him. "We're going to fix this." Something he said made her frown. "Willow? Why don't you call the gallery and let Mrs. Summers know Spike's not coming in. She's probably worried."

Willow winced. "Probably. I can't believe I didn't think about that." She called the gallery as Tara watched with knowing eyes. She had a pretty good idea of what had happened, but she didn't want to say anything until she had proof. "Mrs. Summers? It's Willow."

There was a pause, and then Willow started to explain that Spike was sick and wouldn't be in, but she was interrupted about halfway through. "Wait, Spike came in today? Was he okay?...Oh, well, would you mind putting him on the phone?...He left?...Okay, no, it's probably fine. If you see him, though, I really need to talk to him. I'm at Tara's. Thanks."

Willow turned to look at her girlfriend. "Mrs. Summers said that Spike came in at his usual time this morning in a really good mood." They shared a look. "You know," Willow said slowly, "I really think we need to talk to Giles about this."

They called ahead both to warn Giles that they were coming and to have him start on the research right away. "If Spike was affected, something similar probably happened to Xander too," Willow commented. "It would make more sense than Xander just leaving Spike on his own." She glanced over at the ex-vampire, who was walking in between them. There was an almost frantic look in his eyes, and both girls knew he was deep inside himself—and it wasn't pleasant.

"Yeah," Tara said thoughtfully. "Maybe they both got split in two? Spike did say that he stayed with Xander last night."

"Maybe," Willow replied, smiling a little. "It would definitely be interesting to see how the two Xanders are when one of the Spikes is like this. I wonder what exactly happened?"

~~~~~

Buffy had been in the shower when the phone rang and hadn't wanted to try picking it up. Her mom had already left for the gallery, and Dawn was spending the day with a friend, so Buffy's plans involved pretty much doing nothing. She was caught up on her reading and her homework, Toth was nowhere in sight, and she'd had a night with Spike that she wouldn't soon forget. He was definitely an athlete in bed.

Thinking about the previous night had her forgetting all about hearing the phone, so she never even thought to check the message machine. She probably would have seen the blinking red light sooner or later, but the doorbell rang just as she was putting the finishing touches on her hair.

The sight of Spike was enough to put a smile on her face. "Hey, luv."

"Aren't you done at the gallery a little early?" Buffy asked, raising an eyebrow.

He smirked. "Decided to play hooky. Your mum can handle things for the rest of the afternoon."

"Is that right? So what are you doing here?" Buffy asked, knowing very well what his goal probably was. The glint in his eyes was clue enough.

Spike's smile grew wider. "Thought we could spend some quality time together," he replied. "Maybe catch a movie, eat popcorn, neck in the back."

"As long as it includes lots of necking," Buffy replied, grabbing her purse and heading out the door, with no thought of Toth or of the message on the answering machine.

~~~~~

Spike could hear their voices, and he knew they were talking about him, knew he should be paying attention so that he could help as much as possible, but it was so hard. All he could see was blood.

His mother's—he had killed his mother.

Drusilla had been there. She'd wanted to be there, had encouraged him to cut ties with his humanity once and for all. He had turned her to keep his mother with him; Spike had wanted to be hers forever, and then he killed her.

All he could see was his mother's glowing eyes and the feeling of her dust drifting over him. He'd damned her; he had damned himself.

~~~~~

"It's called a ferula gemina," Giles said, showing them the pertinent page in the book. "As far as I can tell, Toth was planning on using his rod device to split the Slayer into two halves—one with all the characteristics of Buffy Summers, and one with all the characteristics of the Slayer."

"So Spike got split into two people too," Willow said, glancing over at Spike. "Why is he so—"

"Guilty?" Tara asked softly, completing Willow's thought. "That's a part of him all the time, but normally the other parts of his personality can control it."

Giles nodded. "What we've got is the psychologically weaker half of Spike. The stronger half is the one Buffy walked home last night, and I'd be willing to bet we can say the same thing for Xander if he was also affected, as it seems he was."

"But where is Xander?" Willow asked. "It's not like him to call up, say 'Hey, Spike's in trouble,' and then just disappear."

Giles frowned, and then went over to sit next to Spike on the couch. When he spoke, his voice was gentle. "William, I know this must be overwhelming right now, but we need your help. Do you know where Xander went?"

Spike focused on Giles with difficulty. "He followed himself."

"He got distracted," the ex-Watcher muttered. "Which would certainly indicate that he is the weaker half. I don't know where he'd be, however."

"Well, if he followed himself, logically he'd go to work," Willow said hopefully. "Once he figures out something crazy is going on, he'll show up, though. I mean, it's Xander."

Giles pursed his lips. "Yes, but what about Spike?" He cast a doubtful look at the shaken man on his couch. "I hate to say it, but Xander can probably take care of himself—both halves—but I can't say the same for Spike. And if anything should happen to either of them, they both die."

"The other Spike would be with Buffy," Tara said. "We should try and find her."

Giles hesitated. "Perhaps, although she was supposed to be coming by in a bit for training. With any luck, she'll show up before long with Spike in tow."

~~~~~

Spike knew he should be doing something to help, something to help himself, but he was buried under the weight of his own guilt. Just breathing was difficult; hanging onto his sanity even worse. For a moment he'd thought he could pull himself out of it as Giles had asked his questions, but it was no good. He was slipping under.

Things hadn't even been this bad his first few days in the Initiative holding cell, when he truly had been mad. He had a bit more practice now, keeping things in check, but it seemed every control, every wall he'd carefully constructed, had disintegrated with a blast from that rod.

The temptation to slip out from under the eyes of his watchers was overwhelming—just find a nice cliff and hurl himself down. He wanted—

"Spike." Her voice was insistent, and she wasn't going to take no for an answer. "Look at me."

He forced himself to meet Glinda's eyes. Her face was soft with compassion. "It's going to be fine. Just hang on for a while longer, and then we'll put you back together again."

Her empathy almost hurt more than anger or disgust would have. "Don't be kind," he pleaded softly. "Please, don't be kind to me. 'm a monster."

"You're no more a monster than I am, remember?" Tara asked, speaking softly so the others wouldn't hear her. "You showed me that." She drew the trembling figure into her arms and held him as he wept, praying silently that Buffy would arrive with the other Spike soon.

~~~~~

Xander—the scruffy one—was having a bad time of it. Not only was he rapidly discovering that this other, evil Xander was far more capable of living his own life than he was, but he also had a nagging sense of guilt over leaving Spike in the first place. The other man had been in far worse shape than he was.

He ducked behind the corner of a building as his double walked into the apartment building he'd been looking at the other day. What on earth was he doing there? Was this double now taking over the apartment he wanted as well?

Xander snuck up to the third floor, creeping down the hallway and listening at the door. He couldn't believe it when the agent called him "Mr. Harris." He had an even harder time believing it when she hit on him. No one ever hit on him—and no one ever called him "mister."

He had to hide himself around the corner again when the agent came out, and then crept back down the hall, his curiosity getting the better of him. There was a small part of his brain that warned him that he really should find Buffy before his double did. It was the same small voice that triggered his guilt when he thought about leaving Spike alone for Willow to find.

Scruffy-Xander was so caught up in his thoughts, he didn't even hear the door to the apartment opening. It was hard to say which one of them was more surprised to see the other. Even though Scruffy-Xander had been following himself around all day, it was still a bit of a shock to come face to face with—well, himself.

Not allowing himself to think about it, Scruffy-Xander launched himself at his better-groomed half. Suave-Xander seemed to have gotten all the reflexes, however, and he threw Scruffy-Xander to the floor, punching him in the nose as soon as he got up again. "You can't do this to me! I won't let you get away with this!" Scruffy-Xander called after his doppelganger as he beat a hasty retreat.

Scruffy-Xander picked himself off the ground for what was surely the hundredth time that day. "I need Buffy," he groaned.

~~~~

Buffy wandered out of the movie theater, hand in hand with Spike. She wasn't sure if the movie had been any good or not, as she'd spent the bulk of it lip-locked with her boyfriend. "Not that I want the fun to end, but we should head over to Giles'. We were supposed to talk about hunting down Toth."

Spike brought their entwined hands up and kissed the back of hers. "Wish we could have a night off, luv. Maybe we should think about taking a trip, a weekend or somethin', just the two of us."

Buffy smiled and sighed. "I wish. Knowing my luck, the Hellmouth would blow up right when I started to plan something like that." Seeing his disappointed expression, she relented slightly. "But it never hurts to plan."

They walked to the Watcher's apartment, content just with the other's company. Spike couldn't remember being this happy. The entire day he'd felt really, really good—so guilt-free, in fact, that he had stopped to check to see if he wasn't tempted to kill someone. No urges to kill were present, but he honestly couldn't remember being this happy and being human. It was like a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

Buffy was ready just to walk into Giles' apartment when they arrived, but Spike tugged her back and reached past her to knock on the door with an amused smile. "Got to give the man warning, pet. You never know who he's going to be entertaining."

Buffy frowned at him. "I really hope you're not insinuating what I think you're insinuating. Because the thought of either my mom or Giles having a sex life is nauseating enough. To think of them together is enough to prevent me from sleeping for a week."

Spike might have had a smart-assed remark to make in return, but Giles opened the door, giving both of them relieved looks. "Oh thank heavens," he said. "I was about to have Willow do a locator spell."

He stepped aside to let them enter as Spike and Buffy both gave him strange looks. "We went out to the movies, Giles," Buffy said. "It's not like we were gone..." She trailed off when she saw the figure huddled on the couch next to Tara. "What—"

"That's what was concerning me," Giles said. "Apparently, the rod that Toth was firing at you was a ferula gemina. It was meant to split you into your Slayer-self and your Buffy-self. When it hit Spike and Xander, we believe it split the two of them."

Spike was watching himself, realizing with a sinking feeling exactly where all that guilt had gone. That was the problem—it wasn't gone. It was sitting right in front of him. Buffy's voice pulled him out of his horrified silence. "Then what did it do to Spike and Xander?"

"It distilled the separate parts of their personalities into two separate bodies—one made up of strengths, the other of weaknesses. In Spike's case—"

"That's my guilt, an' the fear," Spike said quietly. "Bloody hell. I thought—I just thought it was a bloody good day. I never—" He looked at Giles. "What happens if we don't go back together?"

"You can't not return to your conjoined state," Giles said gently. "Should anything happen to one half, the other half cannot survive." He watched as Buffy went over to kneel in front of the man on the couch. "Besides," Giles said in a low voice, "would you leave yourself like that? Would you leave anyone like that?"

Spike shook his head, unable to speak past the lump in his throat. The guilt was his to bear, and he needed everything he was to deal with it. He watched as Buffy tried to talk to his other half, and the weak Spike pulled back from her touch, muttering about being unclean.

"Do we know where Xander is?" Buffy asked in a flat voice.

Giles shook his head. "One of the Xanders was with Spike this morning at the dump. Apparently, he called Willow from a payphone and then had her pick Spike up while he followed himself." The ex-Watcher sighed. "You know, life is quite confusing enough without adding in identical twins to the mix. I thought it best if we put Spike back together first and then began looking for Xander."

Buffy nodded. She gave the strong Spike an apologetic look. "I think Giles is right."

He nodded stiffly. "Long as we can get it done quick-like."

Xander came in through the door just then, not bothering to announce his presence. "I've got an evil twin."

The others exchanged looks. "He's not evil," Willow said. "And he's you. We'll explain it on the way to the Magic Box."

Xander frowned. "Wait a sec. I've got an evil twin running around, and you're just going to—" He stopped as he realized he was in the presence of two Spikes. "There are—"

"Two Spikes," Giles finished. "Yes, Xander, just as there are two of you, but it is imperative we put Spike back together as quickly as possible. You'll just have to wait to get your explanation." Giles paused. "By the way, what did you do with the other Xander?"

~~~~~

Buffy watched as Tara got Spike settled in one of the chairs at the table in the Magic Box. He wouldn't let her touch him; he kept insisting that he wasn't worthy. The other Spike—the one she'd spent both night and day with—had retreated into the back of the store as Giles set up the pentagram. Xander was watching everything from the stairs with an intensity Buffy thought felt odd. It was Xander—and yet it wasn't, just as Spike was and wasn't.

She headed off to the back of the shop to find one half of her boyfriend, finding him standing with his hands in his pockets. They'd had to stop by his apartment on the way over so he could change back into his clothing of the previous night, and Buffy could see the tension in his shoulders.

"Spike?"

"I don't want to go back," he admitted in a low voice. "I know I have to, but—"

She came up next to him, tucking her hand into the crook of his elbow. "It's nice being guilt-free, huh?"

He shook his head. "It was more than that, luv. I was guilt-free as a vampire, an' it's a different feelin' entirely. 's almost like I got my innocence back, like 've got a soddin' clean slate."

Buffy winced at the raw pain in his tone. "Why didn't you tell me it was that bad, Spike?"

"What was there to tell?" he asked. "I could tell you that 'm still miserable half the time an' the happy face was a mask, but what good would that do you, or me?"

She gave his arm a little shake. "It would let me know what's going on with you, stupid. Maybe I couldn't help, but I could just be there. That's something, isn't it?"

"You're already there, luv," Spike replied softly. "You, an' Joyce, an' Dawn, an' the others. If I lost that, I think I'd go crazy. 's what helps me get by each day. Didn't think I needed to tell anyone about it on top of everythin'."

Buffy sighed. "Just promise me you'll let me know when you're having a bad day, okay?" she asked. "I want to help. Maybe I can give you a little extra TLC," she added with a sly smile.

"How could I resist an offer like that?" Spike asked. Giles's voice called from the front, letting them know they were ready.

Spike followed Buffy back up to the front reluctantly, allowing Willow to direct him to stand in the pentagram. "Okay, side by side," she said, as Tara positioned the other Spike, who was nearly catatonic at this point. "Close your eyes."

Both Spikes did as directed. "Let the spell be ended."

Spike knew immediately that Willow's brief incantation had worked. The wave of relief that he felt was nearly as great as the descending grief and guilt. He staggered slightly under the load of both at once, and Buffy hurried to his side to steady him. "You okay?"

"I'm good," he mumbled, then pulled himself up straight, feeling the mask descend again like an old friend. "Let's find this other Xander, shall we?"

~~~~~

Finding the other Xander proved to be easier than they thought. Once Suave-Xander explained that he had meant to meet up with Anya at the new apartment, they all headed over, thinking that Scruffy-Xander might manage to find his way there, especially as that was where the two halves had run into one another in the first place.

Explaining to Scruffy-Xander, before he shot his other half, that he did not have an evil twin, nor had Toth taken his shape, was a different story altogether. Spike finally stepped in, tired and irritable and not in the mood for long, drawn-out explanations. "Give me the gun," he insisted.

"But—" Scruffy-Xander protested. "He's hypnotizing people."

"No, he's not. I got split too, so I know what 'm talkin' about," Spike said shortly. "Gun. Now."

Scruffy-Xander reluctantly handed over the gun just as Toth burst through the door, leveling his ferula gemina at Buffy. "Bugger this," Spike snarled as Buffy leapt out of the way and Toth put a scorch mark in the carpeting. "Bloody bastard." He fired two rounds, hitting Toth square in the chest and staggering him. Buffy used the distraction to snap the demon's neck.

The Slayer looked over at Spike with a raised eyebrow. "That's a really good way to get the cops called."

"I don't care," Spike said, his tone surly. "'m tired of gettin' messed with."

Buffy sighed. "Okay, Xander-z, Anya, get out of here and head on back to the Magic Box. Spike and I will get rid of the body and meet you back there. Oh, and Xander's going to have to change back into the clothes he was wearing last night." She paused, looking from one to the other. "You both are going to have to be wearing the same clothes, I mean." She sighed. "I'm with Giles. This whole thing is way too confusing."

~~~~~

The next day, Spike was quiet and distant with everyone, and Buffy let him be. She thought he might need the time alone. On the other hand, she did want to see Tara, since the blonde witch seemed to know Spike's emotional state better than anyone. They met up on campus at the Grotto, and both sat down with their drinks. "How is he really, Tara?" Buffy asked. "I don't want you to spill any secrets, but I get the feeling he's hiding something from me."

Tara looked down into her herbal tea. "He's not hiding anything, Buffy. It's more that it's a struggle he feels he has to go through on his own."

"But—"

The other woman anticipated Buffy's protests. "I don't know if you could help him. He's dealing with a lot of guilt right now, and a lot of questions about himself and his future. It's not unusual for a man his age, but it's worse for Spike because he has over a hundred years of experience behind him. He looks like a man in his mid-twenties, but he doesn't feel it, and he's got the weight of his past to deal with too."

Buffy sighed. "But he's talking to you about it." It was a statement, not a question, and for some reason she couldn't feel jealous of the other woman. Not only was Tara gay, and with Willow, but she had a feeling that Spike would feel more comfortable talking to her about his struggles than anyone else. The Slayer wasn't sure why, but she was suddenly certain that she would feel more comfortable telling Tara her deepest, darkest secrets.

Tara shrugged. "Not really. A little, maybe. It's just that we—we understand each other. I couldn't even tell you why, but we do."

Buffy sighed, considering her answer. "As long as someone does. Do you—do you think there's anything I should do?"

"Just spend time with him," Tara advised. "Ask him questions. Now that he knows that you know a little of what he's kept hidden, maybe it'll be easier for him to talk. Other than that, I'm not sure there's anything you can do."

Buffy nodded thoughtfully. She had been so caught up in her own training with Giles, and her own struggle with finding out what it meant to be the Slayer, she hadn't given much thought to Spike's struggles. Things had seemed okay between the two of them, and she'd let it go at that. Maybe it was time she was more deliberate in her attempts to talk to him, that she spent more time finding out what made him tick. Before the last few days, she would have sworn that she knew Spike like the back of her hand. Now, she wasn't so sure.

She had forgotten that there was so much more to Spike than met the eye. It was time she went looking for deeper waters.

~~~~~

Buffy carefully carried two cups of hot chocolate outside to the back porch. "Hey. Mom stocked up on the little marshmallows for you."

"Ta, luv," Spike said quietly.

Buffy watched him, her sharp gaze hidden by half-closed lids. He'd been subdued since Willow had put his two halves back together, and not even the passage of time had helped. It had been a few days, and he still wasn't saying much. Even Joyce had commented on his mood with some concern, and Dawn was trying to be extra attentive. "Is being back in one piece that bad?"

Spike glanced up at the Slayer, and his face softened slightly. "Yes an' no, pet. The guilt is bad, but it had been so long since I'd been human, I almost thought it was just—"

"Part of being alive?" she suggested when he faltered.

"Somethin' like that," Spike admitted. "Never realized what it would be like to be human an' not have to live with it. An' I never realized how far I'd come."

Buffy leaned up against him. "You have definitely come a long way."

The silence stretched on between them for some time. "Buffy?" Spike finally asked. "Did you like me better..."

"No," Buffy replied in response to his unfinished question. "I did like you. It was like being with you in a really good mood, which was nice. But I love all of you, Spike. I love the part of you that's still swamped with guilt and feels dark, and I love the part of you that's strong enough to handle it. Seeing that other half—the half of you that's still catatonic from the pain of being human—makes me realize how strong you really are. It just makes me respect you for getting out of bed every day."

Spike blinked back tears. Buffy's affirmation was more than he might have hoped for. Even though he needed that part of himself, needed the guilt to remind him, to push him forward, to not allow him to become complacent with this life he'd been given. Spike liked to believe that his intimate association with death helped him to better understand life. He just wasn't sure that Buffy would understand that.

Spike was unprepared for her question. "Do you ever wish you were with Buffy-Buffy?"

"No," he replied softly. "You can't separate the Slayer from Buffy any more than you can separate Spike from William. We're the same, you an' I. We both know what it's like havin' two parts of ourselves that sometimes seem so different, an' are really integral to each other. 's one of the reasons I know you so well. You need bein' the Slayer as much as I need bein' Spike. You need bein' Buffy like I need William. It sets us apart, but maybe it makes us stronger in the end."

"Thank you," Buffy said quietly.

He looked over at her in surprise. "For what, luv?"

"For seeing me."

He smiled. "I could say the same thing, Buffy."

They drank the rest of their hot chocolate in silence, basking in the company of someone who knew them.