Man of the World
Author: enigmaticblue
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Through Ats S5, Origin, then back to Ats S3, Loyalty.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, but if I did, they'd be a lot happier and I wouldn't have to take out student loans.
Archive: If you already have my stuff. If not, just ask, and I'll be happy to share.
Summary: Fred's death and the return of his memories leave Wesley a desperate man. He makes a dangerous bid to make things right, only to find that he's a stranger in a world that's no longer familiar to him.
"I want to be a man of
the world, blood in my veins and a hurt in my heart, hide in the street with
the noise and the dirt, and the one still looking for a brand new start. Oh,
I've been sleeping far too long, hiding out in a palace of gold. Show me one
thing before I'm gone that can't be bought and can't be sold. Show me how to
come alive, show me how to make you mine. 'Cause if
you'd only be my girl, I could be a man of the world." ~Marc Cohn, "Man of the
World"
Chapter 11
"Consciously or unconsciously, we all strive to make the kind of a world we like." ~Oliver Wendell Holmes
Connor was sleeping peacefully in his crib, the dim light of the reading lamp too low to disturb his slumber. Although Wesley had planned on looking at the new text he'd purchased—because he still hadn't been able to find time to begin his research—looking into Angel's curse seemed more important at the moment.
Wesley honestly didn't mind watching the baby while Angel was out with Cordelia. Even knowing that Gunn and Fred were also out on a date didn't trouble him too much, not with the memory of the evening with Tuff fresh in his mind. Wesley still cared for Fred, and the events of the past two years still weighed heavily on him at times, but it was all beginning to feel rather dream-like.
Sitting here, in Angel's hotel room, trying to find some way to anchor the vampire's soul, when he was the only one who remembered his failures—it was hard to believe that any of it had ever happened.
Wesley touched his fingers to his throat, where he'd once been able to feel the scar left by Justine's knife. It seemed strange not to even have the scars to show for those days anymore.
He carefully turned the page of the ancient text and wondered why he'd never thought to look for a way to anchor Angel's soul while at Wolfram & Hart. Perhaps it was merely because they'd always had some other emergency to focus on. Or perhaps they had blithely assumed that there was no way to anchor Angel's soul. The gypsy curse had returned it to the vampire by force, and only happiness would lift it. They'd never considered lifting the curse by anchoring his soul.
After their last experience with Angelus, however—after nearly sacrificing Faith in order to recapture him—Wesley was quite ready to be done with the bastard. However mixed his feelings for Angel might be, Wesley was certain of one thing: he never wanted to encounter Angelus again.
Wesley closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the chair. He still had to figure out what he was going to get Tuff for her birthday on Sunday. It was almost ridiculous how much he was looking forward to seeing her again, particularly when he suspected that their relationship couldn't last. Not when he was forced to hide so much from her.
It was possible that it would work out; however, he still
remembered the expression on
He'd lost too many people he loved already.
With a sigh, he went back to his text. At least he'd figured out what he would give Tuff; Wesley wanted to give her something of himself, something he knew she'd love.
And when the worst happened, she would have something to remember him by.
~~~~~
Cordelia hadn't shrieked when the bats flew at her head, which she thought was a huge step for her. Of course, Mrs. Wilson was doing enough shrieking for the both of them. The bat problem was fairly easily dealt with, however. The woman had greatly exaggerated her "infestation," and there were only three bats; with Angel's quick reflexes, he managed to catch them in no time.
Leaving them plenty of time to enjoy their evening.
Wesley had promised to watch Connor, and Cordelia couldn't help but feel as though they were on a real date, particularly when Angel took her to get something to eat and then drove down to the beach. The top was down on the convertible, and the wind played with her short hair. She was planning on growing it out again; cutting it had been an interesting mistake.
They rode in silence for the most part, both of them a little wary of what conversation might bring. It felt momentous—the whole night felt as though it had the potential to change their lives.
Angel pulled the car to a stop at one of the promontories,
looking out over the ocean. The silence hung like a thick blanket over them.
Cordelia looked up at the stars, wishing that she could see more of them. The
stars you could see in
It was funny, but the one thing almost dying had taught her was that an acting career had never suited her. Cordelia thought that she might have enjoyed it, that she might have felt fulfilled if that had been the only life she'd known, but what she had now couldn't begin to compare.
"Are you happy?"
Angel's question came out of the blue, his voice soft. Cordelia kept her eyes on the sky. "Yeah, I am."
She sensed rather than saw his shift towards her, his arm slung over the seat back. Their positions reminded her of the dozens of times she'd been in her own car, a boy in the seat next to her. She'd never spent much time talking in cars back then, but even at that, it had been years since she'd made out in one. Cordy wondered what it would be like with Angel.
"What about you?" she asked.
Angel nodded. "Yeah, happier than I've been in a long time." Cordelia turned to him, lifting an eyebrow in silent question. "Not that happy."
She smiled in response. "Just checking."
Silence fell again, and while it felt big, it wasn't uncomfortable; it was amazing how comfortable she was with Angel, really.
"I wanted to talk to you," he confessed.
"I guessed it was something like that," Cordy teased.
Angel's expression grew sheepish. "Did Lorne talk to you?"
"No, but Wesley has." She smiled. "I got a preview of the future. It didn't look very bright."
She could hear him swallow. "Did that scare you off?"
"Hardly," Cordelia scoffed. "When have you ever known me to be scared?"
"The day after never," Angel replied. "You're one of the bravest people I know."
Impulsively, she leaned forward, brushing his lips with her own. Cordelia pulled back, watching him carefully to gauge his reaction. In response, Angel reached up to touch her cheek, then pulled her towards him for another kiss, this one longer and not quite as chaste.
"I guess that answers my question," he murmured when they'd broken it off.
She smiled. "What was the question?"
Angel sighed. "You're going to make me say it, aren't you?"
"It wouldn't be nearly as fun otherwise."
"I love you," he said. "Do you?"
"Love you?"
"Yes." The word was definitely impatient.
"Yes." Cordy pulled him back in for another kiss.
~~~~~
"What are you thinking about?" Gunn asked. He could see Fred's face in the light from the neon signs and streetlamps. She was looking out the window, and her expression seemed more wistful than he'd have expected after a day of fun on the beach.
"Nothing," Fred said, starting a little as his voice pulled her out of her thoughts.
Gunn turned his eyes back to the road, feeling as though he'd been rebuffed. She was so hard to read sometimes, and he was never quite sure what was going on in her head. There were times when he wondered what she saw in a man like him—a roughneck from the wrong side of the tracks. He loved her; there was no doubt about that.
But sometimes he had his doubts about how she felt about him.
"You're lookin' awful serious," he said, hoping to get a smile out of her, or possibly coax an explanation for that look on her face.
She turned and gave him a half-hearted smile. "I was just thinking."
Gunn was a little scared to push. If she was this hesitant about telling him what was on her mind, maybe he didn't want to know. He settled for teasing her. "Looks like hard work."
Fred didn't rise to the bait. "It's just something Wesley said."
"Yeah? When was that?" Gunn didn't like the sound of that.
"The other day, when you and Angel were gone."
Gunn frowned. "He didn't—"
"No!" Fred quickly said, cutting him off. "It wasn't anything inappropriate at all." She looked hurt that he'd even think that. "No, it's just that I asked him if he was mad, and from what he said..." She sighed. "I can't help but wonder what's coming."
"Wesley fixed it, though," Gunn objected.
Fred shook her head. "He fixed what went wrong before, but that doesn't mean other things won't go wrong."
"Fred, we don't know what the future is going to hold," Gunn said. "If you'd told me a couple of years ago that I'd be working with a vampire, I'd have said you were nuts. Some things fall apart; some things stay the same. Don't know that 'til you get there."
"Yeah, sure," Fred replied, shaking her head as if to clear it of the thoughts that were causing this shift in mood. "I'm just being silly; that's all."
"You ain't never silly," Gunn assured her. "It's only natural to wonder 'bout what's coming when someone you know's seen the future."
"That's all it is," Fred said. "Just wondering."
Silence fell again, and this time Gunn let it hang, wondering whether his words would do anything to reassure her. He couldn't help but wonder whether Wesley, in trying to save Fred and Cordy, had doomed their relationship.
~~~~~
"Okay, so how do you want to do this?"
Wesley raised his eyebrows, leaning back in the passenger seat of Tuff's truck. "How are we going to do what?"
"Today," Tuff replied. "I figure we've got two choices. You can come as my friend, which means that there'll be lots of questions about what you do and where you're from. If you come as my date, I can probably manage the evil death glare, and the questions will be more subtle. Maybe."
Wesley thought about it for a moment, then asked, "What would you prefer?"
"I want you to be comfortable," Tuff replied.
He leaned forward, giving her a soft, slow kiss. "Happy birthday, by the way," he murmured. "And I imagine I'd better come as your date if we're going to be kissing."
Wesley watched, fascinated, as the flush crept slowly up her face. "That works for me," she replied.
"Do you want to open your present now or later?" he asked, handing her the wrapped gift, smiling as he watched the wheels turn in her head.
She suddenly laughed. "Now. I never could wait." Tuff tore into the paper, but stopped abruptly as she saw what she held. "Oh, Wesley..."
"It belonged to an uncle of mine," he explained softly. "Dickens was one of his favorites, and he passed the book along to me when I graduated from—from school." He couldn't very well tell her he'd graduated from the Watcher's Academy. The book was one more reminder of his past failures, rather than the treasured possession that he knew Tuff would consider it to be.
"It's not a true first edition. It's the first printed in one volume, but..." Wesley trailed off, realizing that she had tears in her eyes. "Tuff?"
She swallowed. "This is an amazing gift, but it's too much. It's from family, and—"
"I want you to have it," he said firmly. He gave her a rueful smile. "It's what they had for me, you know. Great expectations. I know you'll treasure it, and it ought to be valued."
Tuff stroked the cloth-bound cover, tracing the letters in the title. "I love it. Thank you."
"You're quite welcome." Wesley held her gaze as her hand came up to stroke his face, her dark eyes serious and somehow sad.
Tuff smiled, tucking the book behind her seat where it would be safe. "We need to get going. I probably shouldn't be late to my own party."
~~~~~
She was a little nervous about bringing Wesley to dinner, if she were to be honest. Tuff wasn't worried about him embarrassing her or anything like that; if anything, she was concerned about her family scaring Wesley off, because they could be overwhelming.
Tuff was still feeling a little overwhelmed by his gift. There was no way he could have known that Great Expectations was one of her favorite books, which made it even more meaningful. She wanted to know what had caused him so much pain that he would willingly give away that kind of treasure. There was a part of her that still wanted to give it back, because it felt like too much. As a book buff, she had some idea of how much a book like that was worth, but she knew that Wesley wasn't thinking about monetary value.
She also wondered whether by giving her the book he was saying goodbye, as though he was giving her something to hold onto that would last because he didn't believe that their relationship would.
Deliberately, she pushed those thought to the back of her mind. It was her birthday, and Wesley had given her an amazing gift. Whatever it might mean. She was going to have a good time and worry about the future later.
There was certainly no point in worrying about it now.
"Tuff!" Her mother was the first to greet her, enveloping her in a hug. "Happy birthday!"
"Thanks, Mom," Tuff replied, squeezing tight. Pulling back, she turned to Wesley. "Mom, this is Wesley Wyndam-Pryce. Wesley, this is my mom, Helen."
"It's a pleasure to meet you," he said, shaking her hand.
Tuff hid a sigh as her mother gave him the once-over, a look of approval on her face. "It's nice to meet you. Come in. There are appetizers in the living room, and dinner should be ready in about an hour." Helen turned to her daughter. "Perhaps you'd like to get Wesley a drink?"
It was an ill-concealed attempt to get Tuff alone for long enough to find out exactly what her relationship with Wesley was. Really, Tuff loved her mother dearly, but sometimes she could be so—motherly.
"Do you want a beer?" she asked.
"Please," he replied, looking completely relaxed.
Tuff was impressed. Here she was, abandoning him to the wolves, and he looked like he was at a tea party. She felt a smug grin pull at her lips, knowing that her brother especially was going to find himself stymied in his attempts to intimidate Wesley. "Be right back," she promised, pointing the way to the living room and following her mother into the kitchen.
"That was cruel, you know," she said as soon as they'd reached the big kitchen. She opened the refrigerator for the beer she knew was there. "Leaving him alone with Tony this early in the game."
"I talked to your brother," Helen replied complacently. "He promised to restrain himself since it was your birthday."
"That was kind of him," Tuff said, unable to keep the sarcasm from her voice.
"Well?"
"Well, what?"
Helen sighed and fixed her daughter with a quelling look. "You know what, and you didn't tell me he was that good-looking."
"I'm not that shallow," Tuff protested. "Wesley's more than a pretty face." At her mother's raised eyebrow, she couldn't help but giggle. "Okay, I'm a little shallow, and he came as my boyfriend."
Helen smiled, but there was concern in her eyes. "Tuff, sweetheart—"
"We're friends, Mom," Tuff said simply.
She sighed and nodded. "As long as you're happy, dear."
"I am," Tuff said firmly. She just had to figure out how to keep it that way.
~~~~~
Wesley was a little more nervous than he looked, although only a little more. He'd already met Tuff's father, after all, and that was half the battle.
After meeting Helen Myers, Wesley had some idea of what Tuff might look like in another twenty-five years. She was a pretty, heavy-set woman who appeared to be aging gracefully; the lines around her mouth and eyes speaking more of laughter than anything else.
David Myers greeted him genially and introduced Wesley to Tuff's brother and his wife, Sadie. Their two oldest children were napping, but Sadie was holding the youngest, who looked to be about Connor's age. Wesley's experience with Angel and Connor had taught him that parents were generally easily distracted with questions about their children, and he filled up the time until Tuff returned easily enough.
It felt strange to be here with Tuff and her family, who all seemed happy to have him there and glad to be together. In a way, it reminded Wesley of when Fred's parents had visited. There had been the same comfortable feel of family, of being around people who had known each other for years, and who liked each other as much as they loved each other.
Tuff had been right about her evil death glare, because the one time Tony started to ask him about his family and background, she'd shut him up quite efficiently, quickly turning the conversation to other topics.
They had finished up lunch by the time the two older children woke from their naps, full of energy. Wesley couldn't help but wonder what it would be like when Connor was that age. Watching them, he had a feeling that not even Angel's enhanced speed would be quite enough.
"Hey, mister?" Wesley looked down to see the oldest boy, Thomas, tugging at his pant leg.
Wesley smiled. The little boy looked very serious for a five-year-old. "Yes?"
"Have you had sex?"
A stunned silence fell, and then Sadie was on her feet, apologizing profusely. "I'm so sorry, Wesley. I have no idea where he picked that up. He just—Thomas Myers! You know what I've said about asking people that question!" She picked him up and carried him out of the room, over Thomas' loud protests that "I just wanted to know!"
Tony appeared highly embarrassed. "We think he got that from a friend in pre-school. Really, we've talked to him about this sort of thing."
Wesley started laughing, shaking his head and waving off Tony's apology. "It's fine. Children will find some way to embarrass you."
Next to him, Tuff wasn't doing a very good job of controlling her snickering, and both her parents had very smug grins on their faces. Judging from their expressions, they were remembering moments when they had been embarrassed by their own children; they were enjoying the payback, apparently.
As if to confirm his suspicions, Tony glared at his parents. "Go ahead and laugh. He asked the head of my department why there was hair growing out of his nose at the faculty picnic."
David and Helen exchanged smiles. "That's nothing, darling," Helen replied, smiling. "You overheard your father and I getting ready for bed one night and repeated his proposition to one of the girls in your kindergarten. Luckily, your teacher and the girl's parents had a very good sense of humor."
Tuff grinned broadly. "You know what they say, Tony." She glanced at Zoë, who appeared to be ignoring all of them in favor of her dolls. "About payback."
Tony just smiled in the superior way of all older siblings. "Just wait until you have kids, Tuff. You'll be singing a different tune then."
"My children will take after me and be perfect angels," Tuff shot back.
Her parents' immediate laughter seemed to suggest that she wasn't telling the whole truth. "I've got a few stories," David said. "I'm sure Wesley wouldn't mind hearing them."
"And on that note," Tuff said, rising from her seat. "We should probably be going."
The goodbyes took a while, and Wesley quickly figured out why Tuff had suggested leaving when she did. By the time they got out the door, it was nearly an hour later, and Tony and Sadie followed them out with the children.
"It was good to meet you, Wesley," Tony called. "We should get together for a beer sometime."
"That would be nice," he replied, not knowing that it would be anything of the sort. Although he liked Tony, getting close to Tuff's family seemed counterproductive. There would just be that many more people to lose when the truth came out.
Tuff grinned at him when they got back into the vehicle. "So what did you think?"
"You have a very nice family," Wesley replied.
Her eyes turned serious again, and she nodded. "Yeah, I really do. Sometimes I forget how great they are. I'm really glad you came."
Wesley smiled, feeling a lingering sadness. "I am, too."