Man of the World
Author: enigmaticblue
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Through Ats S5, Origin, then back to Ats S3, Loyalty.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, but if I did, they'd be a lot happier and I wouldn't have to take out student loans.
Archive: If you already have my stuff. If not, just ask, and I'll be happy to share.
Summary: Fred's death and the return of his memories leave Wesley a desperate man. He makes a dangerous bid to make things right, only to find that he's a stranger in a world that's no longer familiar to him.
"I want to be a man of
the world, blood in my veins and a hurt in my heart, hide in the street with
the noise and the dirt, and the one still looking for a brand new start. Oh,
I've been sleeping far too long, hiding out in a palace of gold. Show me one
thing before I'm gone that can't be bought and can't be sold. Show me how to
come alive, show me how to make you mine. 'Cause if
you'd only be my girl, I could be a man of the world." ~Marc Cohn, "Man of the
World"
Chapter 16
"The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder." ~Virginia Woolf
Cordelia exchanged a look with Angel, then went back to watching Wesley unpack his supplies. "Maybe you should just tell her, Wes. It would probably make it easier on her, hearing it from you."
"I plan on telling her, Cordelia," Wesley said, his precise words telling her exactly how annoyed he was at the moment. "I don't have any desire to bring an end to our relationship any sooner than necessary, however."
"You don't know that it'll end," Cordelia said. "Tell him, Angel."
Angel raised an eyebrow. "Tell him what?"
"You've met Tuff," she said. "I doubt she's going to freak out."
Angel considered that for a moment. "She might," he pointed out.
Cordy glared at him. "You're not helping."
Fred and Gunn had been silent onlookers up to this point, but now Fred spoke up, "My parents took it pretty good," she pointed out. "Maybe it'll be fine."
"Sure," Gunn said, adding his two cents. "She's cool, Wes. She'd probably be a lot more pissed at you if you don't tell her yourself."
Wesley looked at them with impartial irritability. "Could we stop discussing my relationship?" he demanded. "I will tell her, in my own time and my own way, and I do not need you lot meddling unnecessarily."
"We wouldn't meddle 'unnecessarily,'" Cordelia said, mimicking him. "We only meddle when absolutely necessary."
The expression on Wesley's face had Gunn and Fred standing up. "You know, I think I'm feeling the need for a cup of coffee," Gunn said. "Anybody else?"
"Why don't you go with them, Cordy?" Angel asked. "I'll bet Connor would enjoy the sunshine." He handed the baby to her, and left to get Connor's stroller.
She gave his departing figure a look that said she was none-too-happy about being dismissed from the conversation. "How much longer, Wes?"
"At least an hour," he replied, obviously attempting to control his annoyance. Wesley knew his temper was short, both due to his conversation with Lilah Morgan and his sleepless night. He'd gone straight from Wolfram & Hart to his supplier, where he'd picked up everything he needed for the spell. He'd then spent the remainder of the night ensuring that he had what he needed to guarantee that the spell worked, as well as making the last-minute adjustments. "I still need to get everything set up."
"You want coffee, Wesley?" Fred asked.
"If you wouldn't mind," he replied. "But no whipped cream, please. Just coffee."
"You got it," she replied cheerfully, following Gunn out of the hotel into the bright morning sunshine.
Cordelia looked like she wanted to say one more thing, but instead she sighed, rolled her eyes, and wheeled Connor's stroller out.
"Don't." Wesley didn't bother looking at Angel; he knew his friend well enough to know what the expression on his face would be.
"Did I say anything?" Angel asked.
"You were going to."
"No, I wasn't." Angel leaned against the counter. "Cordelia's said it all."
Wesley chuckled, gripping the counter. "She does seem to know best."
"I wanted to thank you for doing this," Angel said quietly. "You didn't have to."
"Why wouldn't I?" Wesley asked, a little surprised at his words. "This will make all of us safer, including your son." He met Angel's eyes. "This gives you a chance at real happiness."
Angel smiled wistfully. "There would be some who would say that I don't deserve it."
"There are those who might have said the same about me," Wesley replied.
Angel gave him a keen look. "And you aren't doing the same for yourself now, Wes?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," he said flatly.
"Cordelia's right," he said softly. "There's no reason to think that Tuff would take it that badly, and you know we'd help explain things to her. Do you really think knowing the truth will change how she feels about you?"
"I don't know," Wesley said hoarsely. "But there's no guarantee that it won't, and I don't know that I have the strength to lose her."
Angel gripped his shoulder. "You have the strength, Wes. I just hope that you don't have to use it."
~~~~~
Wesley was experiencing a strong sense of déjà vu as he finished his preparations for the spell that would hopefully anchor Angel's soul. He'd marked his circle in the hotel lobby in chalk and sand. This was not dark magic, as the actual curse was; Wesley had instead managed to find and alter what was essentially a protection spell. With luck, it wouldn't take so much out of him that he wouldn't be able to meet Tuff when she got off of work.
The best-case scenario was that he'd actually have enough power
to succeed with the spell; the back-up plan was to call
He heard Fred asking in the background, "How is this going to work?"
"If the spell works as I expect it to, Angel's soul will be anchored, and nothing will knock it loose, short of death," Wesley replied, even though he knew she wasn't asking him. "You might want to stand back."
"Are you expecting an explosion?" Cordelia asked acerbically, still unhappy with him for not listening to her earlier.
Wesley raised an eyebrow. "I'm not sure what to expect, to be honest."
"How are we gonna know that it worked?" Gunn asked. "If Angel loses his soul, it's a little too late to figure that out."
"It's taken care of," Wesley assured him. "I procured a drug that worked to produce artificial happiness in the past; the effect is temporary, but it should work well enough for us to know that the spell was a success."
"And if Angelus decides to lay low?" Cordelia asked. "He's sneaky."
"Angelus would rub the failure in Wesley's face," Angel corrected her. "Wes already talked to me about it, and we agreed."
There were no more objections, and Wesley took a deep breath. "You'll need to step into the circle, Angel."
The vampire did as he was directed, his expression calm and unruffled. Their eyes met across the distance, and Wesley recalled Angel's words after he'd explained the rest of the plan, before the others returned. "It's okay, Wes. I trust you."
Those words had meant something, but the achievement was hollow, in a way; in this world, Angel had never lost his trust, because Wesley had never betrayed him. That was why he'd come back, however, so Wesley simply had to live with whatever lingering disappointment there might be. This had been the only way to make it right.
And with this spell, he was taking one more step towards that end.
The spell was in Sumerian, which Wesley spoke fluently—as fluently as anyone spoke a dead language, anyway. He could feel the power moving through him steadily, and he began to think that he might be successful.
About halfway through the spell, Angel dropped to his knees,
gasping in pain, and Wesley could hear Cordelia call out to him. He ignored
her, unable to spare the energy to reassure the rest of them with even a
glance. Wesley could feel the spell taking its toll on him, and he realized
suddenly that he wouldn't be able to complete it; he was going to run out of
power, and nothing would be accomplished. They would have to call
Wesley reached deep for the power in one last desperate attempt to make it work, and felt the magic flow through him in a rushing torrent. He'd felt this before, when he'd gone back in time; the power felt the same—both painful and pure, as though he were being taken apart and put back together.
He had a sudden realization of what had been done to him—what had been given, and what had been taken away. Wesley knew in that moment that he had been called, that his life was no longer his own...and that he'd been given a gift.
Even if he had wished to leave this life, it would no longer be possible for him to do so.
Wesley completed the spell, shouting out the last few words through the pain and dropping to his knees as the power left him.
"You alright?" Wesley heard Gunn ask as the world grayed out around him. "Hey, English. You okay?"
Wesley nodded, strength coming back to him. "Fine. I just need a moment."
Fred and Gunn helped him up, supporting him to the couch. "Did it work?" Fred asked.
Cordelia jiggled a crying Connor as Angel tried to shake off the pain that the spell had brought on. "It felt like it worked," Angel replied. "If not, that was a lot of hurt for nothing."
"It worked," Wesley said, slumping on the couch, the last of the pain receding.
"How can you tell?" Cordelia asked.
Wesley shook his head. "I can tell."
"Do we still use the happy pill?" Gunn asked.
"I know I'd feel more comfortable," Cordelia replied. "No offense, Wes, but if it didn't work, I'm going to be the one waking up next to Angelus."
Wesley winced. "Of course; it's always best to double-check this sort of thing. Give me a moment, and I'll get it."
Fred was looking at him intently. "What just happened, Wesley?"
He looked up at her. "What do you mean?"
"You looked—different, while you were doing the spell." She looked a little frightened.
Wesley glanced at Gunn, who looked away uncomfortably, and then at Cordelia, who seemed to be engrossed in her efforts to comfort Connor. He turned to Angel, who met his eyes, unafraid. "You were kind of glowing."
"Oh." Wesley sighed. "I suppose it's an after-effect of the other spell I did." He pushed himself up. "I'll go get those pills."
He went back into the office, pausing inside the doorway and wondering if they would always look at him like that—if this was just going to be one more reason he didn't quite fit with his friends anymore.
"I thought it was pretty cool," Gunn said from behind him.
"What was?"
"The glowing. It was just unexpected, you know?"
Wesley turned to look at him. "When I did the spell, to come back in time, the being I called told me that I had been chosen. I wasn't sure what they meant until now; I never would have been able to do that spell before."
"Then maybe it's a good thing, whatever happened," Gunn replied. "It's just going to take some getting used to. I mean, it's not like it's a big deal. We work with a vampire, and Cordy's half demon; the fact that you glow anytime you're doin' a spell isn't really that special."
Wesley laughed, shaking his head. "I suppose you have a point."
"'Course I do," Gunn retorted. "You ready to do this?"
Wesley nodded, reaching into the pocket of the suit jacket he'd slung over the back of his chair. "You'd better get the tranquilizer gun."
"You got it."
Wesley's hand closed over the small bag of pills, and he smiled. If there was one thing he couldn't regret, it was being able to repair his relationship with Gunn, or at least make a beginning on it.
It certainly didn't hurt that they weren't after the same woman this time around.
~~~~~
"Okay, remind me to send Wesley flowers. Or maybe I should bake him something." At the expression on Angel's face, Cordelia sighed, "Okay, buy something that I didn't bake." She was draped over his bare chest, both of them sprawled on his bed.
Angel lifted his head. "Why are we talking about Wesley right now?" he asked plaintively. They had just spent the last several hours enjoying the fact that his soul was now secure; it hadn't taken but a few minutes before the drugs began to take effect, and Angel had remembered the sensations well. Unlike last time, however, when Rebecca Lowell had slipped him a dose in his drink, Angel's soul was right there.
Angel had merely felt really, really good for a while, and very interested in the free babysitting that Fred and Gunn had offered when they'd realized that his soul was safe.
Spur of the moment as it was, Angel couldn't have planned it better if he'd had more time. Although, knowing Cordelia, he'd probably better start making plans pretty soon.
"We're talking about Wesley because he's the guy that made tonight happen," Cordelia pointed out patiently. "I'm just saying we should get him something nice to say thank you."
Angel considered that for a moment. "Fine, but can we talk about it later? Preferably after the others get back with Connor. I don't want to waste another moment."
Cordelia propped herself up on one elbow. "I thought you needed a minute to recover."
Angel rolled them both over so that he was above her. "We took a minute."
She laughed delightedly. "God bless vampire stamina."
"You'd better believe it."
Cordelia forgot all about a thank-you gift for Wesley.
~~~~~
It was Wednesday before Tuff realized that something was wrong. When Wesley showed up at her office on Friday afternoon and suggested they spend the evening together, she'd quickly agreed. He'd spent Saturday and Sunday with her as well, and while they had both gone back to work Monday morning, they'd gone to a movie that night, and out to dinner on Tuesday.
At first, Tuff had chalked it up to him simply wanting to spend time with her—which it might still be. She was beginning to suspect that there was a little more to it than that, though. Tuff thought she'd wait to see if Wesley said anything to her on Wednesday, but when he went on as usual, and then showed up at the hospital once again on Thursday, she knew she had to say something.
"Okay, Wesley, what's up?" she asked over appetizers at one of her favorite bistros.
"What do you mean?" he asked, looking perfectly innocent.
Tuff glared at him. "Don't do that. You know exactly what I mean. You've insisted on spending every free moment with me for the last week, and while I'm definitely not complaining, I know there's a little more to it than you wanting to spend time with me."
"Why does there have to be more to it?" he asked, appearing hurt. "I like spending time with you."
"You also have a job where you work very irregular hours," Tuff pointed out. "Often during the evening, and yet you've been with me every night. Again, definitely not complaining, but there's something going on." When he winced, Tuff felt a thrill of fear. "Is it something to do with the people following me? I know you said that you took care of it, but—"
"It's taken care of," he assured her, reaching across the table to take her hand. "I promise, it's nothing to do with you."
Tuff wanted to shout at him out of frustration. She liked Wesley—no, she loved him—and she honestly didn't mind that he couldn't or wouldn't discuss his work with her. She could appreciate that much of what he did had to remain confidential, but that didn't mean she liked feeling as though he was lying to her. "Wesley—" she began.
He cut her off. "I'm sorry." His voice was low, and he sounded genuinely apologetic. "There's something I've been trying to get up the nerve to tell you, but I'm afraid I'm something of a coward."
"You're not a coward," Tuff shot back. "I know that for a fact. As long as it doesn't have anything to do with you dating other women, I think I can take it."
"No, there's no one else," he said, giving her a half-hearted smile. "It's difficult, though. There's so much about my life that you don't know."
Tuff squeezed his hand. "You think I don't know that, Wesley? I know that you haven't told me everything, but we haven't been dating that long. I figured it would come in time."
"Yes, well, it seems that time has come," Wesley said. "And I don't know how to say it."
She hesitated, then said, "I was
meaning to ask you this, but I wasn't sure you could take the time off. My
parents have this time-share condo in
Wesley appeared relieved. "Thank you. I think I might take you up on that offer; it's—well, it's a long story, although I don't know that you'll believe half of it."
"You'd be surprised at what I'd believe," Tuff replied. "Truth is always stranger than fiction, right?"
She didn't know how right she was.
~~~~~
Wesley had been spending as much time as possible with Tuff for two reasons. The first was his fear of what Lilah might try; he didn't want Tuff facing whatever Wolfram & Hart might throw at her alone. The second was that he was certain that once she knew the truth, she wouldn't want to risk a relationship with him, and Wesley wanted to spend every moment he could with her before that inevitable end.
He'd wanted to wait for the right time to bring it up, to tell her that he hadn't told her the whole truth about what he did for a living, nor how he'd grown up. He'd wanted to spill the whole ugly truth in her lap, but he hadn't been able to hope for the best.
Cordelia had called him on it when he'd shown up at the Hyperion again on Monday morning, after having spent the weekend with Tuff. "I wanted to thank you," she'd said, catching him off guard. "For what you did for Angel."
"It was nothing, Cordy," he replied. "It was the right thing to do."
"Yeah, it was, but you have a lot on your plate right now," she said. "Especially after turning into a big, English light bulb."
Wesley looked away. "Yes, well..."
"It's okay, Wes. I think everybody was a little surprised, but we got over it." She sat down across from him. "You really like her, don't you?"
"Who?"
"Tuff. You wouldn't be hesitating to tell her the truth if you weren't so afraid of losing her."
Wesley took his glasses off, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "I like her a great deal."
"You love her," Cordelia corrected him.
Wesley stood, unwilling to face her. "I think I could love her very easily," he replied. "She's an easy person to love."
"But?" Cordelia prompted.
Wesley shook his head. "It was never meant to be permanent. She didn't know about my life; I'd hoped she wouldn't find out. I never thought..."
"You never thought you would care for someone after losing Fred?" Cordelia asked.
"Something like that." Wesley turned to her. "I'm going to tell her. I just—I want to spend a little more time with her first."
Cordelia's expression was unusually somber. "Well, I hope she surprises you, Wes."
"Me, too," he'd replied. He'd been disappointed far too often to truly have hope, however.
Tuff surprised him, though, first by pointing out that something was wrong, and then with her patience. She seemed to instinctively understand that he needed a little more time, and while he could see her frustration, it seemed as though she wasn't going to push him.
Wesley wondered how much of that was because she cared about him; he dared not think that she loved him. He wondered if he was taking advantage of her affection by putting this off yet again.
He would tell her this weekend; Wesley wouldn't delay it any longer than that. He would meet his fate, and he would live with the consequences.
They were both quiet on the drive back to her apartment, and Wesley was still preoccupied when he pulled up in front of Tuff's building. "I'll walk you in."
"You can't stay?"
"I'd better not," Wesley replied regretfully. "As you said, I haven't been spending many evenings at the hotel, and if I'm going to be gone this weekend, I'd probably better make an appearance."
Tuff nodded. "You don't have to walk me in, Wesley. I'll be fine."
"Humor me," he replied.
She rolled her eyes at him good-naturedly. "Fine, but just this once."
Wesley went around to the passenger side, opening her door for her and taking her elbow to assist her out, even though he knew she didn't need it. Truthfully, he just liked the excuse to touch her, and he had been raised with good manners.
It was one of the few things his father had given him that Wesley had no hard feelings about.
They were nearly to the door, Tuff pulling out her keys, when the vampires attacked. There were three of them, yellow eyes glowing in the darkness and teeth bared, and Wesley didn't stop to think about what he was doing; automatically, he pulled a stake out of his jacket pocket, shoving Tuff behind him.
He heard her scream, and knew for the first time that she'd seen their faces clearly. Wesley ducked the first one's punch, staking him smoothly before turning to face the other two.
They both charged at once, and Wesley let them grab him, carrying him away from Tuff. "Get inside!" he ordered.
She was fumbling with her cell phone. "Wesley—"
"Get inside!" he repeated, more forcefully still. "You'll be safe in there."
Wesley was relieved when she moved to unlock the door, taking his eyes from her for long enough to twist one arm free and punch one of the vampires in the gut. When the creature doubled over reflexively, Wesley brought his elbow down on the back of his neck.
He heard the jingle of keys and the click of the door closing just as the second vampire bore him to the ground. Wesley landed on top of the first one and thrust his stake through its heart, then swung his head up, feeling a sharp pain when the back of his skull connected with the remaining vampire's nose.
The vampire gave a cry of pain, falling away from Wesley and clutching at his face. Grateful he hadn't lost his stake in the fray, Wesley staked the third vampire, watching as he turned to dust.
He dropped his weapon and pushed himself to his feet, looking up to see that Tuff had come back out of her apartment building and was standing uncertainly a few feet away. "Are you okay?" she asked.
"I should be asking you that," Wesley replied, taking a step closer to her.
"I wasn't the one doing the fighting." Tuff's face twisted, and he realized that she was about to burst into tears.
Wesley moved quickly, pulling her into his arms. "It's going to be fine," he murmured. "They can't hurt you now."
"You—what did I just see?" she asked, her whole body trembling.
Wesley hesitated. "Let's go inside."
"I want to know!" she said, nearly shouting.
"You will," he promised. "But let's go inside."
Wesley followed her up the stairs, his thoughts bleak; he had a feeling that she wasn't taking this well, and that it wasn't going to get any easier. As soon as they were inside and Tuff had locked the door behind them, she asked, "What were they? And don't lie to me."
"I wasn't going to lie to you," he replied, feeling a flash of hurt. "They were vampires."
"Vampires?" Tuff asked, laughing, an edge of hysteria in her voice. "You're not serious."
"What do you want me to tell you?" Wesley asked. "Vampires and demons are real; you just watched me stake three of them."
Tuff took a step back from him, understanding beginning to dawn on her face. "This is what you do. When you said your firm deals with unusual cases, you weren't kidding, were you?"
"No," Wesley said. "I wasn't. I didn't lie to you, Tuff. I may not have told you the entire truth, but you can see why I wouldn't."
She shook her head impatiently. "So this is what you do? You fight demons and vampires. Do your friends know? Are they in on it, too?"
"We're all 'in on it,'" Wesley replied gently. "We take the cases that the police aren't equipped to handle. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't know how."
"And the law firm? Do they take 'unusual cases,' too?" Tuff asked.
Wesley nodded. "Yes, they do, although they're on the other side. Let's sit down," he suggested. "We can talk about this as much as you like, and I'll answer any questions you have."
Tuff backed up. "I think you should leave."
"Tuff, it's going to be fine," Wesley said, hearing the desperation in his own voice.
"No, it's really not going to be," she replied. "I think you should leave, Wesley. I need—I need some time. I don't think I can be around you right now, not after seeing—" She paused, visibly bringing herself under control. "You have to leave now."
"I'll go," he said, not wanting to upset her anymore than she already was, and yet not wanting to leave her alone, either. "Please call me if you want to talk."
Tuff just stared at him silently, and Wesley turned and left, feeling as though everything he'd ever wanted was slipping through his fingers.