Man of the World

Author: enigmaticblue

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: Through Ats S5, Origin, then back to Ats S3, Loyalty.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, but if I did, they'd be a lot happier and I wouldn't have to take out student loans.

Archive: If you already have my stuff. If not, just ask, and I'll be happy to share.

Summary: Fred's death and the return of his memories leave Wesley a desperate man. He makes a dangerous bid to make things right, only to find that he's a stranger in a world that's no longer familiar to him.

"I want to be a man of the world, blood in my veins and a hurt in my heart, hide in the street with the noise and the dirt, and the one still looking for a brand new start. Oh, I've been sleeping far too long, hiding out in a palace of gold. Show me one thing before I'm gone that can't be bought and can't be sold. Show me how to come alive, show me how to make you mine. 'Cause if you'd only be my girl, I could be a man of the world." ~Marc Cohn, "Man of the World"

Chapter 19

"For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Wesley awoke slowly, his eyes blinking open to see two pairs of dark eyes watching him worriedly. He was most concerned for Tuff, however. "Are you—"

"I'm fine," she replied, touching his forehead hesitantly, then withdrawing. "I need to make a phone call."

She disappeared from view, and Wesley looked around, realizing that he was in his own bedroom. "How did I get here?" he asked Angel.

"Tuff called me," the vampire explained. "We were on our way when she phoned, and we drove you back here. After she told us what happened, we didn't think the hospital would be your best option."

"No," Wesley agreed, pushing himself into a sitting position with some difficulty. He still felt weak from the Briklin's onslaught, and he had no idea how he'd managed to survive. The demons fed on emotions and memories, and he remembered feeling its touch before losing consciousness from the resulting pain.

He still couldn't believe he'd been stupid enough to get caught; Wesley had known what Lilah's intentions were. If he'd waited for Angel and the others, he wouldn't have risked Tuff being killed. "What happened?" he asked quietly.

"We were hoping you could tell us," Angel replied. "Tuff said some demon touched you, and she thought you were dying. The next thing she knew, there was a bright light in the room and everyone was unconscious except for her."

"I don't know what exactly happened; if I had to guess, I would say that the Powers want to be sure that my knowledge regarding the future stays right where it is, and they've taken steps to ensure that it does." He swung his legs over the side of the bed, moving slowly, though he otherwise felt fine. "I should speak with Tuff. I'm sure—"

"She said to tell you she was going to head home," Cordelia said, hearing the last part of his sentence as she stuck her head through the doorway. "Tuff said she was exhausted, and that that she'd call tomorrow." Cordelia was looking at him with a great deal of sympathy, which told Wesley everything he needed to know.

If Tuff had had her doubts before this fiasco, there was certainly no way she'd want to be with him now.

"Of course," Wesley replied with a strained smile, glancing at the clock. The sun would be coming up soon, and he sighed. "You'd better get back to the hotel before sunrise," he told Angel. "There's no point in staying."

"Are you sure?" Angel asked. "Fred and Gunn are watching Connor, Wes. We can stay as long as you need us."

"I'm quite sure. I think I'm just going to get cleaned up and then sleep a while longer." Wesley managed to make his voice sound firm.

"If you're sure you'll be okay," Cordelia said, leaning into Angel when the vampire came to stand next to her.

If anything, that only helped cement Wesley's desires; as glad as he was for his friends, he didn't think he could stand to be around a happy couple right now. "I'll be fine."

They left then, and Wesley buried his face in his hands. He knew that he might have handled things better. He should have made certain that Lilah couldn't harm Tuff; he should have waited for Angel and the others. His fear had clouded his mind, however, preventing him from thinking straight.

Hell, he'd known he was walking into a trap, and he'd done it anyway, putting himself exactly where Lilah Morgan had wanted him. Wesley hadn't even asked Angel what had happened to the lawyer or the guards; he assumed that they hadn't presented an obstacle to their leaving, but whether that was because they were dead or merely incapacitated, he wasn't sure.

He rose slowly from the bed, making his way to the bathroom, feeling the familiar weight of grief. When he'd lost Fred, Wesley had mourned for lost opportunities he'd never have a chance to seize; in losing Tuff, he knew he would mourn both the present and the future. He knew exactly what he'd be giving up.

Too late, Wesley had realized that he loved her.

Perhaps it was better this way. She was certainly safer without him in her life. He was a fool to have allowed himself to be with her in the first place, of that much he was certain.

He showered, then dressed; although he was still exhausted, and felt slightly hung over from the Briklin's touch, Wesley didn't think he'd sleep. He didn't think he wanted to sleep, not wanting to face the dreams that might be waiting for him.

Instead, Wesley pulled out the book he'd avoided looking at for weeks now. There had never been the time to begin his research, what with trying to anchor Angel's soul and dealing with Wolfram & Hart. He opened the heavy tome and began reading, scanning the pages to find some reference to what he was presently dealing with.

There seemed to be no answers; the book was filled with vague references to sacrifices and chosen warriors that were no help at all. Wesley wanted to know what they'd done to him, and what he could expect in the future.

Then, about halfway through, Wesley found a reference to a spell that could be done to call the Powers—or at least one of their intermediaries. The spell was remarkably similar to the one he'd performed to go back in time, which was probably why he'd managed to call one of the Powers That Be rather than the demon or demi-god he'd been expecting.

It had apparently decided to answer his incomplete call for reasons of its own.

This spell was simpler, and could be performed by anyone, although there was no guarantee that anything would respond. Wesley had everything he needed to attempt the spell now; perhaps he would get the answers he wanted.

Or maybe it would kill him for his impertinence. Wesley didn't know that he cared.

He cleared the floor in his small living area, pushing everything back against the wall and sprinkling the salt for a binding circle. Measuring the herbs with precision, Wesley cut the palm of his hand again, letting the blood drip down into the small bowl over the rest of the ingredients.

Reading from the text, he spoke the words of the spell with a steady voice, feeling a sense of disappointment when nothing happened. Last time, there had been light and wind, and the power of the magic had been obvious.

Wesley closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He'd known it was a long shot; he supposed it shouldn't be a surprise when it didn't work.

Then he opened his eyes and nearly fell backwards when he saw what was in front of him.

As far as he could tell, it was the same lovely creature who had come the first time, telling him that he'd been chosen, that he would be its tool. That he would have to lose everything in order to save anything.

"Why did you call again?" it asked. "Have you not saved your friends? The future is open, and hope is secure."

"You did something to me," Wesley challenged. "You changed me."

"We protected you," it replied, its voice musical, giving the air of laughter. "Your knowledge of the future must be protected. They will not bother you again; the woman will not remember what she wanted with you. Her ambitions have been redirected."

Wesley swallowed hard, closing his eyes against its brilliance. "I see. What do you still want with me?"

Now the creature did laugh, sounding like chimes, and Wesley felt its touch on his forehead. "Be well, mortal. You have done all we required. You have restored the balance; be at peace, and use your gifts well and wisely."

This time the wind was a spring breeze caressing his face. When Wesley opened his eyes again, he saw Tuff standing in front of him. Her eyes were wide as she stared at the spot where the creature had been floating.

"Tuff," Wesley breathed. Her timing really couldn't be worse.

"I wanted to talk to you," she said faintly. "Your door was open, so I—" She took a deep breath. "Will you please tell me what that was?"

~~~~~

Lilah woke with a horrible headache, and with no idea how she had gotten where she was. It had something to do with Wesley Wyndam-Pryce—she'd needed information from him, but...

She shook her head. That couldn't be right. Wesley didn't know anything; he'd come to her office the previous week, and she'd had him scanned. The psychics hadn't sensed anything special about him. Lilah was wasting her time when she ought to be ensuring that her position within Wolfram & Hart was secure.

Of course, it would be stupid to go after Angel's son now; not only would the vampire come after her with a vengeance, but what could you do with a baby, anyway? It made a lot more sense to let Angel raise the brat and try again later, when he was older. Who knew? She might even be able to discover some way of corrupting him, some way to bring the kid over to their side.

Lilah looked around the small room, seeing the still forms of the guards on the floor as she pushed herself up. She didn't bother checking to see if they were still alive; if they weren't dead, they were definitely fired. It had been their job to make sure something like this didn't happen, and they'd failed miserably.

She wasn't quite sure what it was that they were supposed to be doing, but that she wasn't going to reveal. That would be a show of weakness.

Lilah pulled out her cell phone and called a cab, recognizing her location as one of the properties owned by Wolfram & Hart. Apparently, she'd been here on company business. While it bothered her not to remember, Lilah shoved the irritation aside; she could figure it out later, after she'd had a chance to change clothes. She always kept notes about her appointments at home, where no one else would be able to find them.

After all, a smart woman made sure she covered her ass, and that the means to do so didn't fall into the wrong hands.

By the time the taxi pulled up in front of the condominium, Lilah had already dismissed the odd circumstances surrounding her awakening, too busy plotting her next move.

One thing was for sure: she had to get rid of Linwood and Gavin.

~~~~~

"So that's it?" Gunn asked, absent-mindedly tickling Connor until he giggled. "Wes glows and the bad guys get knocked out?"

"Something like that," Angel replied. He was itching to hold his son, but he knew that the others liked to have their turns. Connor definitely wasn't being shorted on love.

Fred grimaced. "And he and Tuff aren't together anymore?"

"That's what it looked like." Cordelia leaned back into Angel's chest, feeling horrible for her friend. It really wasn't fair; they'd all liked Tuff, and she was great for Wesley. Unfortunately, not everyone could deal with the kind of life they led. "She was pretty quiet when she left; I think she was still in shock."

"You can't blame her there," Gunn said. "First time I saw a vamp, I about wet myself."

Fred nodded. "Maybe one of us should talk to her. I mean, I could. I know what it's like to have your normal life turned upside down."

"Leave it alone," Angel said quietly. "Wesley and Tuff have to work things out on their own. He doesn't need us interfering."

"It wouldn't be interfering if we helped," Fred said.

Cordelia shook her head. "Give it a couple of days," she advised. "If they haven't worked things out by then, we can think about meddling."

There wasn't much to say after that, and Fred and Gunn soon left to fill Fred's seemingly-bottomless stomach. Connor was gurgling happily from his swinging chair in Angel's suite, and Angel settled down on the bed with Cordelia.

Cordelia glanced over at Angel. "It's going to be bad, isn't it?"

"It could be." Angel sighed. "I don't know, Cordy. You're probably the person closest to him."

She sighed. "Two weeks ago, I would have told you that there was no way Wesley would go back to wishing he was dead. Today, I'm not so sure about that."

Angel tugged her closer. "When are you going to move in here?" he asked, deliberately changing the subject.

"I can't leave Dennis," she pointed out. "That wouldn't be fair to him."

"But if we could find someone else to move in?" Angel asked. "I'm sure there would be somebody who would be happy with a ghost for a roommate."

Cordelia wrinkled her nose. "Let me think about it. If we can find someone, and Dennis is okay with it, maybe."

"You don't want to move in?" Angel asked, giving her a mock-pout.

"Did I say that?" Cordelia asked. "You have Connor, and I have Dennis. You know I have to take care of him. I feel responsible." Her expression turned thoughtful. "Wesley said he didn't know what happened to him in the future. I wonder if Dennis found a decent roommate."

"Now you don't have to worry about it," Angel pointed out. "You can find one for him."

"Mmm," Cordelia replied, enjoying Angel's lips on hers. Maybe that's what she could do to thank Wesley for anchoring Angel's soul—find some way to convince Tuff to give him a second chance. "We should wait until Connor goes to sleep," she reminded him.

With one last kiss, Angel broke off, laying back on the bed, Cordelia's head resting on his shoulder. As they both lay in contented silence, he couldn't help but wonder what the future held; Angel couldn't help but think it looked pretty bright for the three of them.

~~~~~

Wesley stared at her, his heart in his throat. "Tuff—"

"What was it?" she asked, stepping the rest of the way inside his apartment and closing the door behind her. "I mean, it looked kind of like an angel, or what I think of when I think of an angel. Are there angels?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "It was—it was a being."

"A good one?"

"I think so." Wesley swallowed. "I was trying to get some answers about what happened. I thought—I thought you went home."

"I did," Tuff replied. "I had to call my dad and let him know I was okay, and I wanted to get out of those clothes."

"Oh. Right." Wesley looked away from her, and the clock caught his eye. Hours had passed while he'd tried communicating with the Powers, though it had felt like only moments. "You—did you tell your dad about what happened?"

"Well, I had to tell him something," Tuff replied. "After I called in sick to work on Friday, he threatened to come over. I told him we'd been mugged, and that you took care of things."

"I'm sorry," Wesley said, his voice rough. "I never meant for you to get hurt."

"I didn't get hurt." Tuff took a step closer. "You were the one who—what did that thing do to you?"

"It sucks a person's mind dry," Wesley replied. "It's a bit painful."

"And then what happened?" she asked.

"I—it's a long story."

"Tell me."

Wesley realized that his breathing was ragged. "Are you staying?"

Tuff looked at him steadily. "Do you want me to? I ran away the other night; I'm not much help in a fight."

"I don't care about that," Wesley said, somewhat incredulously. "I'd prefer you stay out of the fighting, if you don't mind."

"Not at all." She took a step closer. "So, are you going to tell me everything?"

Wesley reached out and caught one of her curls in his fingers, feeling the dampness of her hair. "Yes."

It took him hours of explanation; Tuff had a hundred questions, and she didn't hesitate to interrupt him when she found something confusing. They ordered pizza when she insisted they eat. When he'd told her about losing Fred, about wanting to die, she had stopped his words with a kiss that seemed endless.

Now they lay in his bed, sticky limbs tangled together, his head on her full breasts. Wesley could feel her fingers combing through his hair. "So let me get this straight," she said. "You kidnapped Connor to save him, and that's what started this whole thing. That's what you came back to fix."

Wesley gave a grunt of assent. He'd talked himself out, and he was too comfortable to move, much less to speak.

"And you were in love with Fred." Her hand stopped moving through his hair. "It is 'were,' right?"

"It's past tense," he assured her. "She's in love with Gunn, and in this world, she might always be."

"And Cordelia was dead," Tuff continued, still trying to wrap her mind around Wesley's story. It sounded like a science-fiction novel, and not a particularly good one; the good ones had happy endings, in her opinion.

Okay, so maybe it was a good one.

"Yes."

"What about that woman?" Tuff asked, her voice dripping with disdain.

That was the one thing that Wesley had left out; somehow, he didn't think it was a great idea to tell Tuff he'd had an affair with the woman who had kidnapped her and nearly killed them both. He wondered about that; she'd had something of a fixation on him in that other future, too.

"She died," Wesley said softly. "She tried to help in the end."

Tuff let out a harsh breath. "I don't care. I want to hold a grudge. She almost killed you!"

She sounded so outraged that Wesley couldn't help but chuckle. "She nearly killed you, too," he pointed out.

"I was way more worried about you right then," Tuff replied. Wesley fell silent, stiffening slightly. Tuff went back to stroking his hair, sensing the tension. "What is it?"

"I was just wondering if this was goodbye."

"I was thinking it seemed more like hello."

"After everything, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to be with me," he said softly. "I put you in danger. I don't think it will happen again, but I can't promise you that it won't."

Tuff sighed. "No, I guess you can't." She pushed at Wesley until he moved off of her, and she laid down on her side so she could look him in the eyes. "I'm sorry I kicked you out the other night."

"You had every reason—" he began.

"It wasn't just about the fact that they were vampires," Tuff said quietly. "That was bad, don't get me wrong, and I'm still just a little freaked out about the fact that the monsters under the bed are real, but... It was more about the fact that you're a hero."

"No, I'm not," Wesley replied, frowning. "I'm just a man trying to do what's right. That's all. There's nothing especially heroic about that."

She smiled, touching his face. "We can argue about that later. The fact is that you're the hero, and I'm not the hero's girl." When his face darkened and he pulled back from her, Tuff reached out to grasp his hand. "You don't get it, Wes. I'm not the type guys like you normally go for."

Wesley shook his head. "I don't understand."

"I'm not very brave," Tuff said, listing off the reasons as she saw them. "While I can take care of myself, I'm not a fighter. I completely froze when those vampires attacked us. As soon as you left that night, I burst into tears, and I was crying when Angel showed up, too." She sighed. "I can't figure out what you could possibly see in me. Before I knew you were a hero, I just figured that I got lucky somehow, and after that, I thought it was only a matter of time before you decided you didn't need me holding you back."

Wesley's face had cleared as she spoke, and when she finished, he chuckled ruefully. "Remind me to argue with you about that later."

"About what?"

"Why you think you're not the type 'heroes' normally go for," Wesley replied. "As to holding me back, that couldn't be further from the truth. You make me want to press on."

Tuff blinked. That was about the nicest thing anyone had ever said to her. "Oh."

"Why did you come back?" Wesley asked gently, tracing patterns on her bare arm.

She smiled with heart-breaking sweetness. "Because I think I love you, and I knew if I walked away without giving it a shot, I'd hate myself for it."

Wesley felt his own smile growing. "I'm glad you came back, because if you hadn't, I'd have been tempted to kidnap you myself until I could convince you to give me a chance."

There wasn't much to be said after that.