Subject: [SpikesSalvation] Normal's A Place in Illinois- Chapter 3
Date: Mon, 17 Nov 2003 11:45:18 -0800 (PST)
From: Jerusha Hancock <enigmaticblue@yahoo.com>
Reply-To: SpikesSalvation@yahoogroups.com
To: SpikesSalvation@yahoogroups.com


Chapter 3: Wanting What You Can't Have

A/N: Lyrics for the song at the end of the chapter are mine, even if I suck at 
writing music.

"Now I don't want to beg you baby,/
For something maybe you could never give./
I'm not looking for the rest of your life,/
I just want another chance to live." ~Patti Griffin


They were halfway through the movie, some comedy about space aliens that Xander 
had picked up, when the phone rang. Buffy rose to answer it, and Xander called 
after her, "Do you want us to stop the movie, Buf?"

"Just a second," she replied, picking up the handset. "Hello? Oh, hi, Giles."

Xander held up the remote and pointed to the TV, raising his eyebrows in 
question. Buffy shook her head and waved them on, taking the phone into the 
kitchen. "Sorry, Giles. I just needed to get to a different room."

"Is this a bad time, Buffy? I can make it quick." She heard the concern in his 
tone, and wished she could tell him once and for all that he didn't have to 
worry about her. But that was what he did. He was as locked into his role as 
her Watcher as she was into her role as the Slayer.

"No, we were all just watching a movie. I've seen it before, anyway, so no 
biggie." She tried to make her tone as light as possible. "Isn't it a little 
early in the morning, even for you?"

"As a matter of fact, it is," he replied. "I had an early meeting, however, and 
thought I might be able to catch you."

"So what's up?" she asked cautiously. She really wanted to know why he was 
calling before she dumped any news on him.

"Well, actually, I'm coming back for a visit," he replied. There was a long 
pause. "Buffy? Are you all right?"

"Of course," she said. "Why wouldn't I be okay? Except for the fact that I'm 
trying very hard not to pass out from shock. There isn't some apocalypse that I 
should know about, right?"

He chuckled. "I know it's been a while since I've been back for a real visit, 
but I plan on staying a couple weeks. I know you have that extra bedroom since 
Willow moved out, and I hate to invite myself, but I thought it would be a good 
chance for us to get reacquainted."

Buffy closed her eyes. "Yeah, about that room. There's actually someone staying 
there right now."

The surprise in Giles' voice was evident. "Who? Did Willow move back in then?"

"It's Spike," she said bluntly. "He came back a few days ago."

"And he's staying at your house, Buffy?" Giles asked incredulously. "After 
everything you told me, do you really think that's wise?"

She sighed. She could hear something like disappointment in Giles' tone, along 
with the requisite worry. "It's different, Giles. He's—he's human. He has a 
soul."

The long silence told her everything she needed to know, and a small part of 
her wished she could see his face. She had a feeling it was one of those Kodak 
moments. "Giles?"

"I'm sorry, Buffy. I could have sworn you said Spike was human," he said.

"He is. And he has—well, he had malaria. He's still not in the best shape." 
Buffy rubbed her eyes tiredly. "He's changed, Giles. It's like—it's like 
something inside him is broken. I was hoping you would know something, be able 
to tell me something that would help."

"So you were going to tell me about this sooner rather than later?" her Watcher 
asked, a bit of wry humor in his tone.

Buffy wasn't in the mood for one of his lectures. "I'm serious. He was really 
sick, and I've just been trying to deal with all of that, plus work, plus 
everything else. I haven't had a lot of breathing room until today, and I 
really didn't want to deal with this."

"I'm sorry, Buffy," he replied, sounding as though he really meant it. "From 
what I know, it took Angel over a century to get to what he was when you met 
him. That Spike would be feeling a bit raw over his soul and his humanity is 
not surprising. Rather the contrary, in fact." He hesitated. "I'm still coming 
out. Besides seeing you, I have responsibilities at the Magic Box I've been 
neglecting for far too long. I can certainly get a hotel room or something, 
however."

"No, we'll figure something out. I'll talk to Spike and Dawn and see what we 
can do. Xander's a lot further along on the basement, so we might be able to 
set something up down there." Buffy smiled reflectively. "I am glad you're 
coming, Giles. It's been too long."

"Indeed it has," he said warmly. "Let me give you the dates and the flight 
information now. We'll talk again as the date's closer. Is Anya there?" he 
asked, nonchalantly. "I thought I might ask her something."

Buffy rolled her eyes. About the only person who was oblivious to Giles and 
Anya's attraction to each other was Xander, but then, he was busy with his own 
life at this point. He and the ex-vengeance demon were friendly, but they 
weren't friends. "No, but I think she said something about necessary inventory 
when I asked her to come over this evening," she replied. "You might be able to 
catch her at the Magic Box if it's urgent."

"No, it's not terribly urgent," he replied. He rattled off the flight and 
arrival information for her, and Buffy wrote it on the wall calendar.

"All right," she said cheerfully. "I guess we'll see you in a couple weeks."

"Are you all right, Buffy?" he asked gently. He knew her so well, she thought, 
even thousands of miles removed.

"I think I will be," she responded. "I thought I was done with this, you know. 
Everything I was feeling. I thought I'd just deal and move on. It's never that 
easy, is it?"

"I wish I could tell you that it was," Giles said quietly. "I'll do what I can 
for you, but this is something you'll have to figure out for yourself, I'm 
afraid. There's not even much I can do in the way of advice anymore."

"I know. I'll see you in a couple weeks, Giles." She hung up the phone and 
leaned her head against the doorjamb.

"Is everything alright, Slayer?"

She turned to see Spike looking at her with that same look in his eyes he'd had 
that night in the Bronze after Giles had left. As though he'd wanted nothing 
more than to take every burden she bore and shoulder them for her. "Giles is 
coming for a visit in a couple weeks," she replied, not answering the question. 
"He was thinking he was going to stay here."

Spike looked puzzled. "He'll stay in my room, then," he said, matter-of-factly.

"Spike, he didn't know you were here. He thought the room was unoccupied. Or at 
least, he thought a room was unoccupied," Buffy explained patiently.

"Doesn't matter. I'll sleep on the couch while he's here." He regarded her with 
a sort of wistfulness that Buffy couldn't quite interpret.


She smiled at him. "Thanks, Spike. I'll pass it along, let him know he doesn't 
have to stay in a hotel or anything."

"That's alright then," he said. He looked at her again for a long moment, hands 
shoved deep into his pockets, as though he were afraid to touch anything. 
"Think I'll be heading up to bed now, Slayer. I'm a bit knackered."

"Spike—" she called after him. He turned to look at her, waiting patiently. 
"Never mind. It's nothing."

He glanced down at the floor. "G'night." Buffy watched him go, and wondered 
what she was going to do next.

~~~~~

Spike lay in the dark, wide awake. He'd had yet another nightmare. It seemed as 
though he would never be able to sleep soundly again. Some nights he was able 
to go back to sleep after he woke, but tonight wasn't one of those. To get his 
mind off the grisly images, he thought of Buffy. She had been rather cool 
towards him the last week or so. It seemed to him as though now that he was 
getting better, her concern had changed into distance. He had wondered if 
having a soul, being human again, would change things between the two of them, 
but all it had changed was the fact that she felt responsible for him now.

It was killing him to be so close to her and not to touch her, not to take her 
in his arms, but he considered it just penance for what he'd done. And he 
wasn't going be the one to make the first move. He couldn't be sure of what he 
saw, what he knew anymore. He'd been so certain that she'd loved him, and had 
ended up destroying any hope he'd ever had. No, this time she would have to be 
the one to call the shots, and if she wanted him to stay for a while, he'd 
stay. And if she wanted him to go, he would do that too. His humanity hadn't 
changed the way he felt for Buffy, but it had given him a bit more insight into 
why she'd been so reluctant to be with him in the first place, and he thought 
he might have a little more patience at least. He loved her; that wasn't going 
to change. He would wait for her until the end of the world.

The sound of the bedroom door opening broke the silence, and Spike lay still 
and silent. She stood in the doorway, her figure outlined by the dim moonlight 
streaming through the window. When she didn't move, he called to her. "Slayer? 
Is something wrong?"

She stepped into the room, closer to him. "Spike? I thought you were asleep."

"Couldn't sleep. Is there something you need?" he asked.

"I had a bad dream," she confessed, sounding like a little girl. "I just wanted 
to be sure you were okay."

He hesitated, knowing that he might be breaking some invisible boundary, but he 
went ahead anyway. "Come 'ere," he said, patting the bed beside him. When she 
didn't move, he hastened to clarify. "I'm not talking about shagging, Slayer, 
and I'm not starkers. With you and Dawn popping your heads in at all hours, no 
chance of doing that. Just thought you might not want to be alone."

She came to him then, climbing under the comforter he held up for her, moving 
her body so that it was tucked in close to his. He wrapped an arm around her 
middle, careful not to touch anything he shouldn't. She fit so perfectly with 
him. There had been few opportunities, if any, to spoon like this when they'd 
been sleeping with each other. She hadn't wanted it, and he hadn't pressed the 
issue, taking what he could get. He realized, with a sinking feeling, that he 
would still take what he could get. He was lost in her still.

"Thanks, Spike," she said quietly, into the darkness. "I needed to feel safe."

"You feel safe with me?" he asked, surprised.

She paused, then admitted, "Yeah. I do."

"Because of the soul."

"No, because of who you are," she said softly. "Let's face it, Spike. I was a 
bitch, and I drove you crazy. No, that doesn't make it right, and it doesn't 
make it my fault, but I know you didn't want what happened any more than I did."

"I'm sorry." The weight of sorrow on his words made her chest ache.

"I know. It's done. It's past. I forgive you."

Absolution should have felt like more than this, he thought. It should have 
felt good, and to a certain extent it did, but he realized that it would take a 
lot longer for him to forgive himself. And that it might never happen. Her next 
question surprised him. "Do you trust me?"

It would have been easier to lie. On the other hand, it was easier to tell her 
the truth when he didn't have to look her in the eye. "I'd trust you with my 
life, Slayer. But I don't trust this. I keep thinkin' I'm going to wake up one 
of these days and this will all just disappear."

"Oh. I guess I understand," she said almost sadly. "I don't know what I can 
give you, Spike. I don't even know what I'm capable of giving you."

His arm tightened around her. "I know. I'm not going anywhere, Slayer, unless 
you want me to."

Her hand found his in the dark, and she laced her fingers with his where they 
rested on her abdomen. "I think they should change that line. 'The only things 
that are sure in this life are death, taxes, and Spike.' Except that doesn't 
really work, either, does it? I mean, who says death is a sure thing?"

"I'd stay with you till the end of the world, but I need something from you 
too," he said softly. "Just throw me a crumb."

There was a long agonizing silence, and Spike thought that perhaps she wouldn't 
be able to give him anything at all, that she would get up and leave. Instead, 
she tightened her grip on his hand. "I care about you a lot. I missed you while 
you were gone, and I don't want you to leave now that you're here. I don't know 
what that means, but that's how I feel."

"If we do this, if we try again, I can't be your secret," he said. "If that's 
what you want to do. If you really want to start over again."

"No secrets," she agreed. "Are you sure you won't be ashamed to be seen with 
me?"

"Never happen," he replied, pressing his lips to her hair. "Go to sleep, 
Slayer. I'll make sure the bogeyman doesn't show his ugly face around here 
again." He held her as she drifted off to sleep, his breathing slowing to match 
hers, their hearts beating in tune. He didn't sleep for a long time.

~~~~~

"Hey, Spike," Xander greeted him as he came through the front door. "You coming 
with us tonight?"

Spike glanced up from the book he was reading, one he'd found on Joyce's 
shelves. "That would depend on where you're going, Harris."

Xander looked confused. "I thought Buffy would have invited you. We're going to 
the Bronze for some pre-Giles fun. Not that Giles isn't a barrel of laughs, but 
he isn't the kind of guy you take dancing, if you catch my drift."

Spike's face didn't change, though something in his eyes did. "No, that's all 
right. Still not quite feeling up to dancing the night away."

"Sure, if that's what you want," Xander replied, feeling a slight sense of 
unease. He still didn't like Spike, but there were times when it was nice to 
have another guy around, especially when you were surrounded by women.

Buffy came down the stairs and saw Xander standing by the door and Spike 
lounging on the couch. "Hey, Xander," she said cheerfully. "Spike? Aren't you 
coming?"

He glanced up sharply. "Didn't know I was invited," he said, a touch of ice in 
his tone. Xander, who wasn't completely ignorant when it came to the guy-girl 
thing, decided to beat a stratigic retreat.

"I'll be out in the car. Waiting. For whoever decides to come." He backed out 
the door quickly. He'd seen their fights in the past, and they had a tendency 
to be rather spectacular.

Buffy ignored the door as it opened and then closed. "Of course you were 
invited. Why would you think otherwise?"

"Maybe because you've never been that interested in having me tag along before? 
Or maybe it was because I didn't know you lot were going out till Harris asked 
me if I was coming. Take your pick." His eyes were pure Spike, and Buffy 
wondered what had happened to the guy who'd been living in her house the last 
couple weeks. At the moment, it was the old Spike who was standing in her 
living room.

She was about to retort with a scathing comment, when she realized that he 
really wouldn't know that it was a regular thing for them to go out on Tuesday 
nights that summer, since she didn't have to work the next day and Willow 
didn't have any morning classes. They'd dispensed with the ritual the previous 
week and moved the gathering to her house for rather obvious reasons. Buffy 
closed her eyes, both to rein in her temper and to try to figure out how to try 
and defuse the situation. "You know, Spike, you really need to stop taking 
things so personally. Did it ever occur to you that I just forgot to tell you 
because it's something we do every week?"

The anger in his eyes faded slightly, but he showed no indication of backing 
down. "Considering our track record, I was figuring on the whole neglecting to 
inform."

"We're not doing that anymore. Remember? We agreed." Buffy met his eyes, 
holding them with her gaze. "Why don't we start over. Would you like to come to 
the Bronze with us tonight, Spike?"

He hesitated, and for a minute Buffy was certain he was about to refuse. "Yeah, 
guess I will."

"Good," she said. "Xander's meeting his date there, Willow's bringing her date, 
and Dawn is going to be with friends. I'm relying on you to save me from 
feeling like the fifth wheel."

Spike smiled a little, and Buffy knew that it was going to be okay. "Always did 
want to be your white knight, luv."

Spike listened absently as Kelly talked about her day to an attentive Xander. 
Buffy had gone off to get something to eat, Willow and her friend were out on 
the dance floor having a grand time, and Dawn was sitting at the edge of a 
circle of teenagers gathered in a corner. Even though the ex-vampire had his 
eye out for Buffy's return, he was also keeping a careful eye on his Bit, who 
didn't look as though she were having as much fun as she should be. Spike knew 
all too well what it meant to be on the fringes, and it looked like that's 
where Dawn was getting shunted off to. He watched, and did nothing, knowing 
that it was simply one of those things.

His eyes found Buffy as she moved through the crowd gracefully, carrying a 
platter of buffalo wings. "You remembered," he said, grinning as she set them 
down on the table.

She snorted. "Of course I remembered. You probably missed the wings more than 
you missed me."

"My heart has always been yours," he said grandly. "But I'll admit the spicy 
wings were a close second." Spike flashed her a smirk. "I was feelin' a mite 
peckish."

Buffy sat down next to him as he reached for one of the wings. "You've been 
hungry for the last two weeks straight, Spike. What's new?" She watched as 
Xander pulled his date out onto the floor, and her eyes scanned the room. As 
was her habit, she checked the exits, looked the room over for any members of 
the undead who hadn't figured out that this wasn't their personal lunch box, 
and checked her friends' locations.

"How's the Niblet doin'?" Spike asked quietly, licking his fingers.

Buffy looked at him in surprise. "She's doing great, Spike. She's actually got 
some normal friends, she did great in school, she's making some money this 
summer working for Anya and babysitting. You know all that." Concern edged into 
her voice. "Why do you ask?"

"It's nothin', Slayer. S'pose I'm just jumping at shadows," he replied.

"I've never known you to be one to jump at shadows," she said. "In fact, if I 
remember correctly, you were the guy who ran after them to pick a fight. What 
is it?"

He hesitated. "She's on the fringe, Slayer. Look at her, watch the way she 
moves, the way the rest of them move around her. Were I still a vampire and out 
on the prowl, she'd be the one I'd go for. Those are the easiest to catch, the 
ones on the outside. Not saying she's in danger, I'm just wonderin' if she's 
happy."

Buffy watched her sister as he spoke, and she began to realize what he said was 
true. "How did I not see it?" she asked, glancing over at him.

"Not to be rude, but you've never been on the outside before. From things 
you've said in the past, you were popular before you became the Chosen One, and 
you were the leader of the Scoobies after that." His eyes grew darker and far 
away. "I've never belonged in my life. I recognize that look she's got in her 
eyes. And I hunted humans for over a century; I know what kinds to look for."

A sadness filled Buffy's face. "I wish I could do something for her."

"Can't, though," he replied. "This is something the Bit will have to struggle 
through on her own."

"I know. I think it's a mom thing, but I just want to protect her from all 
that, you know?" She smiled a little. "I remember when mom first found out I 
was the Slayer. She totally flipped, wanted me to stop. Asked me if there 
wasn't something I could do so I didn't have to do it anymore. I was so pissed 
at her for not understanding, but I think I get it a little now, why she lost 
it like that."

"Things like that you don't understand till you've got little ones of your own 
or a little sis to look out for," he said, smiling. "Your mum would be proud of 
you, Buffy.

She met his blue eyes with her own. "There are a lot of things I've done that 
I'm glad she doesn't know about." He didn't reply, and his hand moved as though 
to touch her, but he pulled back and looked away. He was afraid to offer 
comfort for fear that she would toss it aside as she had so many times in the 
past. Buffy took his hand. "Come on, Spike. Dance with me."

Not giving him a chance to refuse, she pulled him out on the floor. The first 
couple were fast, and Spike found that dancing with Buffy was a lot like 
fighting by her side. They moved as one, matching each other move for move. 
From the very first, it had been that way for them. They had been connected, no 
matter how hard they'd each tried to fight it.

He didn't remember Buffy dancing with him before. She hadn't even wanted to be 
seen with him in public, so it wasn't like they were going to get together at 
the Bronze for anything more than a little back corner necking, or, well, other 
things that could be done in dark corners. But he thought he'd take the dancing 
in public over a cloak and dagger quickie any day. The song switched to a 
slower one, and Spike was ready to leave the dance floor in case she wasn't in 
the mood, but she put her arms around his neck and pulled him close.

The band was a good one, with a female lead and three guys playing guitar, 
drums, and bass. He thought he remembered Buffy saying something about it being 
a local group that had been playing pretty regularly.

     "I'll be the first to admit I screwed things up,
     All my words like arrows pricking you
     Till you lay bleeding on the floor.
     And I'll be the first to admit it might be better
     To call it quits and let it go.
     And I'd like to say it might be better if
     We just went home.
     And I can't find the words that'll make you stay,
     But I can't find the strength to let you go.
     I think missing you might kill me,
     If I let you walk away.
     But in my own defense, let me just tell you,
     I've been bruised soul deep,
     And I've got scars you can't see.
     Let me make it clear I'd love to love you,
     You're the best thing to come along.
     But the last time I loved and it ended,
     I just about died.
     And I can't find the words that'll make you stay,
     But I can't find the strength to let you go.
     I think missing you might kill me,
     If I let you walk away.
     But if you'll just be patient with me,
     Let me find the strength to build my faith,
     Tell me again you'll never leave me,
     And I promise to say the words that'll make you stay,
     I promise you'll never want to go,
     'Cause I know missing you would kill me,
     If I let you walk away."

When the song was over, Buffy rested her head on his chest for one brief, 
beautiful moment. "It's getting late," she whispered. "We'd probably better get 
you to bed, Spike."

---------------------------------