Subject: [SpikesSalvation] Normal's A Place in Illinois- Chapter 4
Date: Tue, 18 Nov 2003 16:14:42 -0800 (PST)
From: Jerusha Hancock <enigmaticblue@yahoo.com>
Reply-To: SpikesSalvation@yahoogroups.com
To: SpikesSalvation@yahoogroups.com


Chapter 4: Searching for the Words

"You know it only breaks my heart/
to see you standing in the dark/
Alone, waiting there for me/
to come back./
I'm too afraid to show/
That it's coming over you/
like it's coming over me/
crashing like a tidal wave/
that drags me out to sea./
And I want to be with you/
if you want to be with me/
crashing like a tidal wave/
and I don't want to be stranded." ~Plumb


"Spike! Let's go, we're gonna be late," Buffy called. She waited as he climbed 
the stairs from the basement. "How's it working for you down there?" she asked.

"Fine, Slayer. I'll be right comfy." He looked a little uncertain. "You sure 
you want me along for this little mission?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "One person doesn't make a welcome party, Spike. And, 
since Dawn's babysitting, Xander had to work, Willow has class, and Anya had to 
work at the shop, you're it."

Spike shrugged. "Well, if you say so. But I'm driving."

"Wait just a minute," Buffy protested. "I'm perfectly capable of driving. Not 
only that, but it's my car."

"I've been driving longer than you've been alive, Slayer," he explained 
patiently, with a quirk of his scarred eyebrow. "I've never been in an accident 
I didn't want to cause, and I've never gotten a ticket. And I'm not ridin' in a 
car where you're in the driver's seat."

"You don't have a driver's license," Buffy pointed out triumphantly. "There's 
no way you're going to be driving."

"Used to be evil, remember? Lack of a driver's license isn't gonna stop me." 
Spike said with a smirk. "Besides, I told you, I've never gotten a ticket. 
We're not gonna get pulled over." He held out his hand for the keys, and while 
he had a smirk on his face, the look in his eyes told Buffy that he wasn't 
going to take no for an answer.

"Don't you trust me?" she asked, pouting slightly.

"Behind the wheel? Never."

Which was why she let him drive. She didn't mind going alone to pick Giles up 
from the airport, but she'd told the truth when she'd said that one person 
didn't really make a welcome party. And she wanted him along for other reasons 
as well. Whatever the night before had been, it was as close to a date as she'd 
been on in a long time, and it awoke in her feelings she was still trying to 
sort out. She knew she was still attracted to Spike, that had never been an 
issue, but she wasn't sure what she felt. Was she in love? Had she been in love 
with him before he left, and simply never admitted it to herself? Was it his 
soul, his humanity that attracted her to him now, or was it simply him? Until 
she figured it out, she wanted to be around him as much as possible, to observe 
him, try and figure out what it was that made him tick. And a part of her that 
whispered in the back of her mind told her that she might be able to put him 
back together again, to heal some of the damage that last year had done to both 
of them.

"Can I ask you a question?"

Spike looked over at her, and then turned his eyes back to the road. "Go ahead."

"Why do you keep calling me 'Slayer?'" she asked. "I don't think you've called 
me by my name more than once since you've been back. In fact, I don't think 
you've called me anything else." She watched his face carefully for any clue as 
to what he was thinking. Something there triggered a reaction in her. "Are you 
doing this to punish me somehow?"

"It's not about punishing you. In fact, it's not about you at all." Spike kept 
his eyes on the road. "Why don't we shelve this? Now's not the time."

"Now is the perfect time," Buffy objected. "If we don't talk about this now, 
we'll never talk about it. And with my luck, by the time we get around to 
talking about it, you'll have skipped town. So excuse me if I don't want to 
wait."

"I'm driving here, luv." His jaw was tight with anger, and Buffy was confused 
to put it mildly. Everything had been going just fine, and then she asked a 
simple question and opened a can of worms.

"I called the airport before we left. Giles' flight was delayed by thirty 
minutes. We have some time." Her tone of voice brooked no argument.

Spike flipped the blinker on, his lips set in a straight line. He pulled over 
to the side of the road and turned the car off. "Fine. Here we are. Let's talk."

Buffy turned to face him. "Well, you can start with why you feel it's necessary 
to keep calling me Slayer, as if I don't already know what I am, and then you 
can finish up by telling me why you're so bad moody. Come on, Spike. I thought 
things were going okay."

"It's so easy for you, isn't it?" he demanded. "Where do you get off accusing 
me of trying to punish you? I do something you don't like and I'm in the wrong, 
while if I say anything to you about something I don't like, you storm off. 
Well, it's not that easy, Buffy."

"Spike—" Buffy tried to interrupt, wanting to know where all this anger was 
coming from.

"Guess what?" he said. "It's not about you this time. This is about me trying 
to protect m'self. In all the years I've known you, the only piece of you you 
let me touch was the Slayer. I saw glimpses of Buffy, but I never touched her. 
I thought I could be a better man for you. I tried. You hated me, before and 
after I gave you every reason to, and I went over in my head a thousand ways to 
apologize, and none of them were any good. I thought I'd come back and you'd 
toss me out or put a stake through me, but I knew I had to try and make it 
right."

He put his head down, no longer looking at her. "I get back and I get bloody 
Florence Nightingale. And you're lookin' at me like—" he broke off abruptly. 
Getting himself under control, he started again. "And then you're all cold 
again, and then you're in my bed, and then you're dancin' with me like nothin' 
ever happened. What am I supposed to think? I need some distance with you. I 
can't do this again. I'm not strong enough."

Buffy took in a deep breath. It was probably a good thing they were in a car a 
good distance from her house, and were expected at the airport, because if she 
had a choice, she'd probably walk away. He was broken, and she had been playing 
with him again. She didn't know what she wanted, but she'd expected him both to 
be constant in his affections for her, and to let her call the shots and set 
the timeline.

"Spike, I'm sorry. I haven't been fair to you," she said.

He laughed bitterly. "Yeah, well, I figured that one out a long time ago. This 
soul didn't just convince me of what a monster I was, Buffy, it also made me 
realize what you did to me. Didn't feel it before, not like I do now, and I 
know enough to know I can't go through it again. Like I said, 'm not strong. 
And I haven't changed all that much."

Buffy shook her head. "Spike, I think you're one of the strongest people I 
know. And you've changed, I mean—"

"You mean the whole bein' human, havin' a soul thing? Buffy, the soul's a 
leash, just like the chip was a leash. I'm still the same man I was." He 
refused to meet her eyes.

Buffy reached over and touched the side of his face and winced when he pulled 
away. "You're right. It wasn't fair to accuse you of trying to hurt me before I 
heard your side. And you're right to say I haven't been fair to your feelings. 
I know how you feel about me, and I was taking that for granted while I tried 
to figure out how I felt about you."

He shook his head. Now that they were actually talking about this, he wanted to 
stop. He'd heard this song and dance before, and he really didn't want to hear 
it again. "Buffy—"

"No, I let you talk. It's my turn." She gave him a wry little smile. "Besides, 
I'm actually talking about how I feel. If the world doesn't end in the next few 
minutes, I'd think you'd be happy." He couldn't help but smile back, and nodded 
for her to go on. "I hate to say it, but you're right. You're still the same 
Spike, and I'm still the same Buffy. Which definitely could be a bad thing."

Buffy took a deep breath and continued. "But we're not the same people we were 
a year ago, not really. I couldn't love you before because I couldn't trust 
you, but it wasn't about you being evil as much as it was about me not being 
able to trust another vampire to love me. I loved Angel, and I had to kill him. 
When he had his soul. He was the only man I've ever loved, the only one I ever 
said I love you to, and I had to stick a sword in him and send him to hell. So 
maybe you can see my problem in even thinking I might love another vampire."

"And now I'm human," he said quietly.

"Yeah, you are. And I can't even tell you what I feel about that or about you. 
But isn't that why people date?" she asked. "To find out if they like each 
other enough to love each other? And maybe you don't think so, but I think you 
might want to find out if I'm still a person you can be in love with. And I'd 
like to get to know you, too."

He finally met her eyes, and he saw that it had scared her to death to talk to 
him as she had, and that she really wasn't sure that he wouldn't reject both 
her and her offer out of hand. "Are you askin' me out? As in, public dating? No 
dark corners, alley ways, or demon bars kind of dating, but you tellin' all 
your friends we're goin' out kind of dating."

She smiled. "Yeah. No alleys unless you really wanna go. And definitely no more 
Willie's with the kitten poker."

"And no shaggin'."

Her eyes widened. "Did that just come out of your mouth? Because I could swear 
you just said no sex."

"That's what I said, and I mean it, luv. It might mean a lot of cold showers 
for me, but I need for this to be more than just a nice romp this time around." 
Spike was smirking, but there was pain behind his smile, and Buffy knew herself 
to be the cause of it.

"And you want to make sure I'm not using you again," she said softly. He didn't 
have to reply, and she continued. "That's fair. No shags until we're both 
ready."

Spike's lips twitched. "That's shaggin', Buffy. All right, then. You gonna tell 
Rupert that you're datin' an ex-vampire?"

"Of course," she replied, slightly stung by his tone of voice. As though he 
thought she didn't have the guts. She'd told him they'd slept together, hadn't 
she? He looked over and raised one eyebrow, and Buffy knew exactly what he was 
thinking. "Today, Spike. I'm going to tell him today."

"Right." He flipped the blinker on and pulled back out onto the road once it 
was clear.

"Do you think this'll ever get better?" she asked wistfully.

"What will get better?" he asked, his eyes once again on the road.

She shrugged. "Actually being able to get through a conversation without 
bringing up all those bad thoughts. Just being a normal couple."

"We're a couple?" He glanced over at her, and his face was a boy's face. And 
for a moment, all the years washed away, and they might have been any other 
couple on the way to the airport to pick up a friend. And he might have been a 
guy who got the girl of his dreams. And she might have been a girl who realized 
she'd found somebody who might end up being the one. But the moment passed, and 
they were Buffy and Spike again. Except that now she felt as though there might 
be a little hope for them.

"Yeah, silly. I think that's what we just decided."

"Are you sure this is what you really want?" he asked quietly. "You could 
probably do better."

Buffy studied his face for a long moment. "I think that's debatable."

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