Yesterday

Author: enigmaticblue

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters. If I did, the characters would have had a happy ending.

Summary: “I woke from a dream last night/I dreamt that you were by my side/Reminding me I still had life/In me/I’ll carry on/Every lament is a love song/Yesterday, yesterday/I still can’t believe you’re gone/So long, my friend, so long.” ~Switchfoot, “Yesterday”

A/N: Another one of my long-awaited request fics. Szandara asked for a post-Chosen fic with the original Scoobies, and bonus points if I worked Giles in. Here’s hoping that you like it, my dear friend. This is, by the way, sort of a prequel to something I’ve got planned for down the road. You know me, always planning.

“Buffy?”

She looked up to see Willow in the doorway. “Hey.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Buffy stood, offering her friend a reassuring smile. “How’s everybody else doing?”

“They’re okay.” Willow entered the hotel room and sat down on the bed. “It’s all starting to sink in.”

Buffy’s smile faltered; she knew exactly what Willow was talking about. After the first relief-filled moments, knowing that they had defeated a seemingly unbeatable foe, came the crushing realization of all that they’d lost.

“How’s Xander?”

Willow shook her head. “I don’t know. He’s not really talking.”

Buffy rubbed her temples. “Yeah.”

“Are you hungry? I think we’re going to get something to eat.”

She shook her head. “Not really. I just want to sleep right now, I think.”

Willow nodded. “I’m right next door if you need anything.”

Buffy smiled. “Thanks. Oh, where’d Dawn go?”

“She’s with some of the Slayers, watching television,” Willow replied. “You know we lost Amanda.”

Buffy hadn’t known; they had lost so many, and there was one death that seemed to swallow all the others. “No, but they were close.”

Willow nodded. “I should go. Are you sure you don’t want anything?”

“No, that’s okay.” Buffy watched her friend leave, then went to the bathroom, stripping off her clothing. She didn’t have anything else to put on, but that didn’t matter. All she wanted was to be clean.

Standing underneath the weak spray, Buffy lifted her face, letting the water wash the tears away as they fell.

~~~~~

Xander sat in the back of the bus, staring out the window without seeing any of the scenery. He felt a presence settle next to him, and he knew it was Buffy without looking over. “How’s it going?”

“Fine.”

He felt her hand on his. “I know it hurts, Xan.”

Xander knew she did, although he wanted to get angry. His pain was so overwhelming that he didn’t want sympathy or understanding; he wanted someone else to hurt just as much as he did.

Of course, rationally he knew that Buffy was probably hurting as much as he did, and Willow had been in the same place.

He blinked the tears away, reaching up under the eye patch with his free hand to scratch an itch. “If I hadn’t run,” he began, voicing the thought that had been going through his head the last couple of days. “We would have had a year of marriage. Even if…” He trailed off, unable to complete the thought.

“Even if she’d still died, you wouldn’t have wasted a year?” Buffy asked softly. “I know.”

He was relieved that she didn’t try to soothe that regret away; Xander knew that it was going to haunt him for a long time to come. Forcibly pulling his thoughts away from Anya’s death, he looked over at her. “How are you?”

Buffy’s smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. “You know, everyone keeps asking me that.” Her expression sobered, and Xander realized with a pang that it had been a long time since he’d seen her smile—really smile. So long, in fact, that the somber face she wore now looked natural.

“Maybe it’s because we’ve finally figured it out,” he said gently. “You guys were pretty close.”

Buffy blinked rapidly as she tried to pull herself together. “Yeah. We were.” She looked past him to the desert flashing by out the window. “You want to hang out once we stop for the night? Just the three of us.”

He knew who she meant immediately. “Do you think we can pull Kennedy away from Willow’s side?”

Wry humor curved her lips. “She might be a Slayer now, but I think I could still kick her ass.”

The mental picture was enough to put a smile on Xander’s face.

~~~~~

“Where are you going?”

Willow sighed. She had been hoping that they wouldn’t have to go through this. Kennedy was always so worried that she would miss something important, or that she would be left out, she tended to get incredibly jealous of the time Willow spent with her friends.

While Willow understood, it was getting old.

“Xander, Buffy, and I are going out for a while,” Willow said.

Kennedy frowned. “Why? Is there something going on?”

Willow took a deep breath and reminded herself that her girlfriend was still young. “No. We just haven’t had much time to hang out recently.” When Kennedy’s expression didn’t clear, Willow continued, “We’ve known each other since high school, and Buffy and Xander just lost people who were really important to them.”

The distaste in Kennedy’s eyes was clear. “A vampire?”

“He saved the world,” Willow pointed out, feeling a pang of remorse. If she had been more understanding, if she hadn’t been so caught up with the magic and her own problems right after Buffy had come back—

Well, anything could have happened. The truth was that Buffy and Xander’s grief was, in a way, her fault. If she hadn’t brought Buffy back, the First Evil wouldn’t have been able to gain a foothold, and so many people would still be alive.

Although Buffy wouldn’t be. Willow couldn’t quite bring herself to feel sorry about that.

Kennedy shrugged. “It doesn’t bring back all the people he ate.”

Willow gave her a tight smile. “No. And nothing I do will ever bring back the man I killed. I’ll see you later.”

She just barely managed to keep from slamming the door behind her on the way out. Willow wondered how long this relationship was going to last, now that they weren’t facing the end of the world.

Willow knocked on Buffy’s door, smiling at Dawn when it swung open. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Dawn stepped aside to let her enter. “Buffy’s almost ready.”

After the altercation with Kennedy, Willow wasn’t sure how Dawn would feel about Buffy leaving her alone for the evening. “Are you okay with this?”

Dawn shrugged. “As long as you bring her back in one piece and a better mood. She’s been pretty down.”

Willow shook her head. “I never claimed to be a miracle worker.”

“Yeah. I know it just takes time. I have my own regrets with him.” For a moment, Willow could see just how deeply Spike’s death had affected her as well. “Where are you going tonight?”

“Wherever,” Willow replied. “We just needed to get away from it all. We haven’t had the chance to do the post-apocalypse party yet, and it’s been too long.” She felt sorrow stab at her; they hadn’t done it since the showdown with Adam and the Initiative. The following year, Buffy had been dead, and the year after that, she’d been on her way to England.

Dawn smiled as Buffy emerged from the bathroom. “Have fun!”

“I’ll see you later.” Buffy followed Willow out the door. “So, where are we going?”

“Xander was going to do some research,” Willow replied. “It had probably better be in walking distance.” She glanced around the parking lot of the rundown motel. “I’ll be glad when we get to Cleveland, so we can start making plans.”

Buffy nodded. “It’ll be good not to be on that bus everyday. I still don’t know what Giles is thinking about doing for the long term, though.”

Willow sighed. “There are a lot of new Slayers out there. We’re going to have to do something about them.”

“I know.” Buffy rubbed her forehead. “I think I could sleep for a week. Or maybe a year.”

Willow frowned. “Do you not want to do this, Buffy? We could go out some other time.”

She shook her head. “I haven’t been able to sleep since—” She stopped, then started again. “There’s no point.”

“Oh, right.” Willow wasn’t sure what to say in response, but she was saved by Xander’s arrival.

“There’s a diner a few blocks from here,” he said. “The manager said it had pretty good food. The bars in town sound a little scary.”

Buffy pasted a bright smile on her face. “Let’s go. I could eat.”

~~~~~

She was glad to be back with her friends, but she would have given her right arm to have Spike with them. He would have looked bored, and pretended not to care, and he and Xander would snipe at each other. Willow would have probably played peacemaker, and Buffy would have elbowed him in the ribs every time he made a smart ass remark.

Tears stung her eyes. She just missed him so much.

“What can I get you folks?” their waitress asked.

“Coffee and—” Xander squinted his good eye, trying to see what kind of pie was on the menu.

The waitress smiled at him. “It’s peach, if that’s alright.”

“That would be great,” he said.

“Um...” Willow stared at the menu. “Pancakes for me, please.”

“And for you, honey?”

Buffy stared at the menu without really seeing it, hearing Spike’s voice in her head. “You need to eat, Summers. Won’t do for you to waste away on my account.”

“Bacon cheeseburger and fries,” she said. “And a diet Coke, please.”

“You got it.”

Xander offered her a crooked grin. “Hungry?”

“A little.” She shrugged. “I haven’t been eating much lately.”

Silence descended once again, and Buffy realized that she didn’t know what to say. So much had been left unsaid the last couple of years that she didn’t even know where to start without an emergency to deal with.

“Have you heard from Faith?” Willow asked.

Buffy nodded. “She called just before you got there. She’s going to stay with Wood and the girls at the hospital for another day, and then they’ll fly out to meet us.”

“Why didn’t we fly?” Xander asked. “It would be a heck of a lot better than riding that bus.”

Buffy shrugged. “Giles said that the Council’s resources aren’t inexhaustible, and he wants to know how much is going to have to be spent getting us up to speed.”

“How are we going to do this?” Xander asked in a low voice. “We’re not just talking Slayers here in this country; they’re going to be all over the world.”

“I know.” Buffy swallowed. “It’s—it’s too big right now to think about it. I guess…” She trailed off, knowing that sooner or later they would have to part ways. Before, Sunnydale had held them together, but that was no longer the case. “I guess we go where we’re needed.”

“Can I call Africa?” Xander said, a half-smile on his face telling them that he wasn’t being completely serious.

“Africa?” Willow asked skeptically.

Xander shrugged. “I’ve always wanted to go.” He looked at Willow. “What about you? Where would you go?”

She hesitated, pushing her red hair behind her shoulders. “I don’t know.”

The waitress returned, and Buffy glanced over, noting with a sense of irony that her nametag read, “Anne.” “Here you go,” she announced, putting Xander’s pie and coffee in front of him. “And the rest of it will be out soon.”

“Thanks,” Xander said, picking up his fork.

Willow glanced over at her. “What about you, Buffy? Where would you go?”

She picked at the crack in the red vinyl seat, staring at the cheap Formica table top. “I don’t know. I never even thought I’d leave Sunnydale.”

Willow looked wistful. “Remember playing ‘Anywhere But Here’ back in high school?”

“You wanted to go to Italy with John Cusack,” Buffy said, smiling.

“You were on a beach with Gavin Rossdale.” Willow grinned. “You could go to the beach.”

“I’m not sure that’s what Giles had in mind when he talked about starting up the Council again,” Buffy said wryly. “And Gavin isn’t my type these days.”

Silence fell again, tinged with melancholy. “How are you and Kennedy doing?” Xander asked, valiantly trying to keep the conversation going.

Willow shook her head. “I don’t know. I think we’ve got some adjustments ahead of us.”

The rest of their food arrived, and they all busied themselves with eating, ignoring what had yet remained unspoken.

“How were things between you and Anya at the end?” Buffy was the one to ask the question, thinking that she might already know the answer.

Xander put his fork down, staring down at the remains of his pie. “They were okay. We weren’t—together or anything, but…” He spent a moment composing himself. “I thought we’d have time to work it all out,” he confessed.

“I know.” Buffy looked at her meal, blinking the tears back. “I waited too long.”

Willow put her hand over Buffy’s. “Waited too long for what?”

“To tell him how I felt.” She corrected herself. “Feel.”

“I know,” Xander said hoarsely, meeting her eyes. “If I had known—”

There were a hundred ways to finish that sentence, Buffy knew. “Yeah.”

Willow’s hand gripped hers harder. “What are you going to miss the most?”

“The way he understood me,” Buffy said without having to think about it. She looked across at Xander. “You?”

His expression was nostalgic. “The way she spoke her mind. Anya never pulled her punches.”

“I miss the way she would hold me,” Willow whispered.

Buffy knew that her friend was referring to Tara, and she was reminded of how the three of them had joked half-heartedly about being romantically doomed in high school. It hadn’t been funny at the time, and now that it appeared even more true…

“We shouldn’t have kicked you out,” Xander blurted out.

Buffy stared at him. “What?”

“When we—you know. I remember when Spike got back.” He let out a snort. “He kicked Faith’s ass, and then he tore us a new one for turning our backs on you. I would never tell him this, but he was right.”

Buffy shook her head. “I was closing myself off from you guys.”

“You were doing the best you could,” Willow corrected her. “I think we get that now.”

“Are we good?” Xander asked.

Buffy nodded. “Yeah. I can’t do without you guys.”

Xander smiled crookedly. “Yeah, I’m not much good without my friends either.”

~~~~~

Giles had been meaning to get a cup of coffee to take back to the hotel room, but he stopped at the sight in front of him. Willow and Buffy were seated across from Xander in a booth, and while none of them looked happy, they were certainly more cheerful than they’d been in the last couple of days.

He paused to watch them. Xander said something that had Buffy grinning, and whatever Willow added caused her to laugh out loud.

How long had it been since he’d seen Buffy laugh?

Giles was about ready to turn and leave when Buffy caught sight of him through the window. He could see her hesitate, then she waved him inside. He entered and slid into the booth next to Xander. “I don’t want to interrupt.”

“You’re not,” Willow assured him, although she cast anxious looks between him and Buffy. “We were just talking.” She hesitated, then added, “Xander and I were telling Buffy about the time Spike tried to stake himself.”

Giles shifted uncomfortably as Buffy busied herself with her hamburger.

“Can I get you something?” Anne asked as she approached their table.

“Just coffee for me,” Giles said with a smile. “Thank you.”

An awkward silence fell. “Where are we going after we get to Cleveland?” Xander asked.

Giles shook his head. “I’m not sure. There should be other Watchers and their Slayers joining us once we get there, those who escaped the First and didn’t make it to Sunnydale.”

“Then what?” Buffy asked softly. “The Slayers we activated will be scattered all over the world. They won’t have any idea of what happened to them.”

Giles sighed. “I realize that. I’m not sure. I have plans to contact the coven in England. I’m hoping they’ll be able to help us locate them.”

“Is the First done?” Willow asked. “I mean, are we going to have to worry about it coming back?”

Giles wished he knew the answer to that question, but the best he could come up with was, “I don’t know.”

“So we might have to do this all over again?” Xander asked bitterly.

Staring at the coffee cup that had suddenly appeared before him, Giles murmured a thank you, unable to offer any reassurances.

“If we do, we’ll get through it,” Buffy said quietly, but with conviction. “We can’t bring them back, but we can honor their memories.”

Giles didn’t have to ask whose memories they were supposed to be honoring. At least one of those was the man he’d tried to have killed—for Buffy’s own good.

The vampire who had saved all of them. He could appreciate the irony.

“I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to take a break,” he said, speaking to all three of them, but looking at Buffy as he said it. “You could, if you wanted.”

Buffy shook her head ruefully. “No, I don’t think so. There’s still work to be done.”

Giles could see the resignation in her eyes, and he wished it could be different. He wished that he could tell her that the fight was over; he knew that her fight should have been. Instead, they would continue to fight, for those who had died, that their sacrifice might not be in vain.

And for those who had survived, so that they might continue to do so.

Even though he couldn’t speak the words, Giles loved her for it.

“I’m still calling Africa,” Xander announced, breaking the silence.

Willow shrugged. “South America, then. I think I could pick up Spanish pretty quickly.”

Giles looked over at Buffy, who shrugged. “Anywhere that has a decent school for Dawn. She still needs to finish high school. Mom would never forgive me if I let her drop out.”

He smiled. “I think we might be able to manage that.”

“Who’s going to stay in Cleveland?” Willow asked.

Buffy shrugged. “I think Faith would probably agree to it. I’m not sure we can get her out of the country, what with the whole escaped-felon thing.” She looked at Giles. “I’m assuming we can do something about that.”

“I think so,” he replied. “I’ll start working on it as soon as we get to Cleveland.”

“Wait, how are they getting out of L.A.?” Xander asked.

Giles answered the question. “It’s a chartered flight. There’s no need to be concerned.”

Xander huffed. “I still don’t see why we couldn’t fly.”

“There wasn’t enough money for that,” Giles said, realizing that he probably ought to bring Buffy and the others up to speed on the Council’s finances—or what he knew, at least. He was looking at the basis for the new Council, the people who had the responsibility for the fate of the world resting on their young shoulders.

Perhaps they always had. “Heaven help us all,” Giles thought. He suspected that they were in for a very wild ride.