Chapter 14 - Concern

I did what Anya wanted. I stayed away. And it's the hardest thing I've ever done. 

I knew she needed me, and I let her down. Oh, don't get me wrong, I've let her down before, but at least then I didn't realise it at the time, or I thought I was doing the right thing, but this time? I did nothing.

Still, when my week was over, we went round to see what was happening. I felt I had to include Anya in the visit, show her that I was just going as a friend, but I didn't expect her to come. And that wasn't the only thing I didn't expect. I thought Buffy'd be down, struggling, missing me, but she wasn't. She seemed so much better. I started to believe that maybe they'd been right - Anya and Giles - that she needed to be left to take on her own responsibilities. And then again, it hurt. Just a niggling little hurt, but real just the same. It was like I was back to being the doughnut gopher, the member of the team who's most expendable.

She had a job. Not much, but it was a job. As someone who's toiled in the minimum wage market, I know what that's like. You hate the job, but at least you've got some sort of independence, you've got some self-respect. I know Buffy shouldn't have had to work, that being the Slayer should've been enough, but that's not how the world works. And she did cope with Slaying and High School after all.

Dawn seemed better too. She was really trying to support Buffy, pulling her weight as far as chores were concerned, at least that's the impression I got. But, there was another surprise in store - Willow.

I hadn't seen Willow either while I wasn't seeing Buffy, working on the assumption that I'd better avoid the house altogether. She was out when we were there, and when I asked, Buffy said she hadn't seen a lot of her lately. I got the feeling my two best pals had had some sort of falling out, but Buffy didn't say anything specific. I made up my mind to ask Willow when I saw her.

I was still wondering just what had happened between them, when Anya asked if Buffy had spoken to Willow yet. I quickly shifted my attention back to the conversation, wondering what was going on. Anya explained that Buffy had gone to the Magic Box to ask for her advice on money. I was surprised, and said so, but Anya just gave me that 'men are so stupid' look, and waited for Buffy to answer.

The reason for Buffy's attitude to Willow was soon obvious. Willow had refused to help Buffy by paying some rent. Well, colour me confused, 'cos I'd always assumed she and Tara had being paying rent all along. I remember thinking it was good of them to help Dawn out like that, not just by moving in, but by helping with expenses. Just goes to show how wrong you can be.

I didn't see Willow for a few days after that. I was at the Magic Box, waiting for Anya to finish up for the day, and Willow'd come in for some supplies. She was with Amy.

She started to chat, telling me about how different everything was now that Amy was back. She seemed to be getting a really big kick out of having another witch to, well, do whatever witches do together.

I asked her how she thought Buffy was doing.
"She's fine," was all she said, her face taking on a look that said it wasn't something she wanted to talk about.
"Isn't it great she's got a job?" I asked, looking for some positive comment.
"Not much of a job," she answered. "She's out all the time now, leaving Dawn and me to keep the house going."
"Well, maybe that's fair," I replied. "I mean, she can't have a lot of spare time between her work and Slaying."
"Look, Xander. She just needs to pull herself together. Ok, she was in heaven, but now she's back where she belongs. She's not really trying. I mean, she can't see how much I put into bringing her back, what we did for her over the summer. We all need to get back to normal, but that's not going to happen while she isn't trying for normal."
"She's fine, we're just going to have to give her some time," I answered.
"Maybe, but I'm running out of patience," Willow warned. "It's just, since she came back, she can't seem to see that anyone else has problems. Tara left me, and where was Buffy? Drinking in Spike's crypt like she's the one with a broken heart. It's like she's not all there - the bit of her that let her care for her friends is missing, but I know there was nothing wrong with the spell."

Well, what do you say to something like that? I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was bound to have been the usual Harris platitudes. It's funny, I can remember a few times when I've criticised Buffy - for running away, not telling us Angel was back, shutting out her friends, but I can't remember ever doing that with Willow. Right then, when I should've said something, I just couldn't do it. Telling Willow she's wrong - it's just not something I do. I don't understand why that is, but that's how I feel.

We spent about half an hour or so hearing the details on how Willow had suddenly realised how to change Amy back, and then about what they'd been up to since then. Amy seemed to have contacts in the Wiccan community in Sunnydale, and she'd been introducing Willow around. I admit I felt a bit twitchy at that. I mean, Tara seemed to know her way around the local Wiccans, so why didn't she know these people? Amy gave the impression that Willow's exploits were making her the big noise in town, and she wasn't exactly hurting by being with her all the time.

The Willow I knew had nightmares about having to stand up in front of people, of being noticed, and here she was, enjoying being the centre of attention. She seemed less like the Willow that I knew than ever before.

Once Willow had bought what she wanted, they left, and Anya and I looked at one another in confusion. There was something kinda unhealthy going on, but it didn't seem like Willow was in any mood for listening. I wondered if I should talk to Tara, see if she could work out what was going on, and when I suggested it to Anya, she sighed, then agreed.
"I suppose it'd be a good idea. We don't want Willow going out of control, and it'll keep you from worrying about Buffy."
She didn't seem too happy about it, more resigned, but I made up my mind to call Tara the next day.

Tara listened to what I told her, then asked for the names Willow and Amy had mentioned. I told her as much as I remembered, but it was obviously enough to worry her. She agreed to find out a bit more than she already knew about what Willow was up to, but said she couldn't talk to Willow directly. It was obvious that she was still hurting from the break up, but she was determined that she couldn't give Willow any encouragement to continue using magic without restraint. I just wished Willow seemed as hurt by things, but I'm sorry to say that the only thing I'd seen in Willow was resentment.

That evening, at home with Anya, I told her what we'd discussed. She was obviously concerned about Willow, but just as obviously wanted me to forget my other friends and concentrate on her, so I did. I had to admit that things were getting better between us, although it still seemed as though something was missing. Still, I reckoned that if we both tried hard enough, we'd find that whatever-it-was, and be good as new again.