Author's Note: This is basically my attempt to rationalize the attemped rape in 'Seeing Red'. We all know that Joss just got up one morning and decided 'Hey, why don't I make Spike do the one thing that's completely out of character for him', and now we're all stuck with it. There's also some venting about Spike's shiny new soul in this. Is anyone besides me pissed? And don't ask why I've suddenly become obsessed with 1st person POVs. Even I can't figure that one out...

I'm Evil. I am Evil. Really and truly Evil.

I don't think I've ever realized it before.

Of course, I've been going around saying I was 'evil' for the past one hundred plus years, but it never seemed to mean anything before. It's never struck me like this before.

So why is this time different?

Before I was 'evil' because I killed humans. All the time. And I didn't feel one damned bit of remorse for them. Still don't.

The thing is, that's not real Evil. I'm a vampire and bloody proud of it. Killing humans is what I am. It's what I do...or, at least, it was until I got this sodding chip.

So, I guess I've always been 'evil' to the Slayer and her little Scooby gang and humanity in general. But not to me. I was never Evil to me.

'Evil' eventually just came to mean 'not constrained by human morality' or something like that. So, I gleefully labeled myself 'evil'. Hell, it was what I was. I won't deny for a second that I don't give a damn about what humans think is 'good' and 'bad'. Those are their beliefs, not mine.

When I said I was 'evil', I was just saying that I didn't buy into all that human nonsense about morality. I was saying that I knew what I was, that I was a predator and I wasn't ashamed of it. I was asserting that I was a vampire. It was all their fault for making everything so damn black-and-white.

I tried to explain it to them, especially the Slayer. She never got it, though. She couldn't understand that because humans to me were just like cattle to her that I wasn't really being 'evil' when I killed them. It was just lunch.

But, of course, she's always been too high on her moral pedestal to even consider the idea that her definition of morality and 'evil' isn't the all-encompassing meaning in perpetuity throughout the Universe. Oh no, she's always right, and anyone who disagrees with her is wrong. She's infuriating that way, but it's part of why I love her.

If I do love her...

Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I love her. I always will. But, unfortunately, this leads me back to my original conclusion: I'm Evil.

You see, as long as I was only 'evil' by her definition, it was all right. It made it bleeding impossible to win her love, but I've always loved a good challenge. I just had to make her see that I wasn't really, truly Evil with a capital fucking 'e'.

I think maybe she even believed it for a while. I know I always have. I never realized just how wrong I was...

We vampires don't buy into all that good-vs-evil rot. We're free of it. That's part of what makes us so powerful, makes us able to do what we do. It's also why the Powers That Be have it out for us.

They've always seemed like snot-nosed brats to me: making huge sweeping pronouncements about the nature of reality that are over-simplified at best, demanding terrible sacrifices from those who they 'favor'... I mean, what kind of god forces an innocent young girl to send her own boyfriend to hell? I've never liked the Powers and their morality.

But that doesn't mean that just because I'm a vampire, I don't have any morals. Of course, I don't like to call them morals. And they aren't built on guilt or some other poncy human emotion.

In fact, it's basically just one simple rule:

That's about as close to 'morality' you can get as a vampire, but that's what the word means to me.

The only real Evil is whatever is so unfortunate to violate this primary rule of mine. Riley was Evil; Glory was Evil; hell, even Red was Evil, but it wasn't her fault. Sure, I couldn't always do something about it, but even I see Evil in the world.

And now I'm Evil.

I still don't know how it happened. We were talking, and for once she was actually being halfway reasonable. She was admitting things that she never would have before. That was the first time she'd ever acknowledged that she felt something, too. And then it went horribly wrong.

I think I just couldn't take it anymore. I'd had to put up with all her bullshit for so long, and then she finally starts to realize the truth right as she's kicking me out the door... That moment was the only time I'd ever gotten her to be honest with me, with herself. I couldn't let it end. I couldn't let her stop, or she'd never see the truth.

I didn't hear her cries at the time. I really didn't. All I knew was that she was teasing me again, holding out one little crumb and then snatching it back before I even got a good look at it. Something snapped. I wasn't me. I was...

I was exactly what she'd always said I was. I was Evil. I was a monster.

I am Evil. I am a monster.

I tried so hard. I wanted to be more. I love her. I wanted to be a man for her. She was right to deny that I ever could. I can never escape what I am.

I really thought love could change me. I thought I had a chance. And for a while, I was better. All I wanted was for her and the Nibblet to be happy. I didn't care about anything else, even myself.

But I couldn't stand it. To be that close to everything I've ever wanted and not to have it... I was greedy, selfish. Hell, I've always been that way. I want to be happy, too. I want love. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently, it is.

Now all I can hear are her cries. She begs me to stop, over and over again. Her pleas go on and on, repeating constantly in my head. I may not have heard them at the time, but surely I've heard them enough times afterwards to make up for it?

I know this is a vain hope. She will never forgive me for what I did. She never should forgive me for what I did. I can never forgive me for what I did. I wonder, is this what guilt feels like? Whatever it is, it's terrible...

One thing's for certain, I can never trust myself around her or my Li'l Bit again. I can't let anything hurt them, even me. I have to protect them...

The Slayer once told me that I was like a serial killer in prison. In a way it's true. I'm not free to make my own choices anymore. I've had human morality thrust upon me.

I was furious at first. I wanted nothing more than to rip out the Slayer's throat and then finish her friends off for dessert. I'm not sure when my opinion of them changed. But, before I knew it, it was their enemies that bore the brunt of my wrath. The chip just kept me in check, kept me from slipping.

The problem is that the chip no longer works on the Slayer. One of the two people on the planet that I never want to be hurt, and what do I do? What does my newfound love allow me to do?

I must be a monster. It's the only explanation. And it's my duty to protect them from monsters, even myself.

The chip doesn't work. The serial killer is free. So, all I have to do is put him back in prison. And this time, I'll make sure that he never escapes, that I can never escape.

Angelus was Evil. He needed to be locked away forever. Sure, it was tough on Angel, but it was either the soul or death.

I can't die. I can't abandon them. What if they need my help? What if something happens to Dawn again? What happens if just one more person leaves Buffy?

I can't leave. But I'm no better than Angelus. There's no guarantee that I won't hurt her again.

So I have to destroy the monster. I'll destroy the Evil, bottle it up so it'll never come out again.

And all I have to do to protect them is to destroy myself.

That's not so bad.

I can do it.

Because I'm Evil.

And I love them.