Part 3: Life's Vise

Later that evening, Rahne was again reminded of her difference from the others at Xavier’s. First, she was embarrassed when Boomer, Rogue, and Dazzler were drooling over some muscular heartthrobs on MTV. The two older women made some comments that implied that they had experienced things that Rahne always thought should be reserved for marriage. She did not share the casual attitude towards sex that most of her peers had. She’d even heard Boomer speak of things that made her blush.

What is it that they want, anyway? Why don’t they just call the program’s producer and ask him to send the men on over, if they’re so infatuated? Is that all they desire in a fellow—a stout body? I can’t understand any of them. Look at the way they dress…they all flaunt their bodies. I’m still not comfortable with wearing the skintight battle costume, but Boomer would probably fight evil mutants stark naked if she had Rogue’s body, or Dazzler’s. Maybe I’d be less self-conscious if I had hers. Is it just my imagination? Are they really so immoral, or am I being immature?

If Dani were still here, she would understand, she thought. She felt like she would never relate to the other girls like she did to Danielle. Dani always accepted Rahne for who she was. Rahne knew she could have discussed any of this with her, but not with the others. They would either say things to make her feel stupid or, even worse, try to change her.

Maybe change is what I need, she thought. But I don’t want to be like them. They are my friends, and they are good people, but I can’t turn my back on my beliefs and throw myself at men like they do. Am I fooling myself?

Her mind drifted to Sam, then Doug, then Rictor. The three of them were certainly past history for her. She could count very few times when she was actually tempted to act upon physical desire with any of them, and she almost regretted never giving in.

Before long, the inoculation will wear off and I’ll be condemned to having the form of a werewolf, maybe forever. Who would ever marry such a lass? I may only have my human body for a few more weeks. Does that mean I should run off and hop into bed with someone, like some strumpet? If most girls were in my situation, what would they do?

All at once the other three noticed Rahne standing in the doorway and went quiet. No one said a word, to each other or to Rahne, until finally Dazzler asked Rogue to change the channel—much to Boomer’s disappointment. It was obvious that she made them feel uncomfortable, so she left. As she turned the corner, she could hear that they had returned to the previous channel after she left. She heard Boomer’s muffled voice say something about a nun, then all three of them laughed. Knowing that they were having a joke at her expense, she had to make herself not go back to the TV room and give them an earful. She knew they would just shun her more.

As if there were not enough troubles in her mind, she wandered from there into the library, where Sunspot was complaining to some of the other men about a high-profile minister who had pleaded guilty to committing several crimes and was in prison.

“Can you believe the fat idiot is actually trying to get a pardon on the grounds that he is God’s spokesperson? He said that if they keep him locked up, God will send them to hell. Anytime someone is ignorant enough to take their religion that seriously, they should be given a psychiatric evaluation just to be sure!”

Rahne had heard enough by now to make her lose her temper, but she knew from experience that it was pointless to try and defend the faith in a conversation about hypocrites and phonies.

She decided to bite her tongue, and drudged up to her room feeling completely alone in the world. The people who meant the most to her were all unavailable now. Moira was far away in Scotland. Danielle was in Asgard with the Valkyries. Doug was dead. Warlock was dead. Illyana was a child now, restored to her true age. Sam was too busy with other things to notice her anymore, and Rictor had just kind of faded away.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out her pocket bible. It was tiny, but a true treasure to her.

She read a passage from Psalm 12:

“Help, Lord, for the godly are no more; the faithful have vanished from among men.” And from Psalm 31:

“Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; My strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak. …I am the utter contempt of my neighbors; I am a dread to my friends…”

She turned to the front cover and read the dedication:

“To: Rahne Sinclair

From: Doug Ramsey, with love always”

Doug had given her the bible as a Valentine’s Day present. It was not very expensive- none of the students had access to much money, let alone time for a job- but it had a cover that protected it from fire and water. It was thin enough to be neatly concealed in either street clothes or costume, yet it contained the Psalms, Proverbs, and the New Testament. Her complete bible was on her desk but it was the dedication in this one that she read whenever her self-esteem was low.

Doug’s death was still a horrible pain to her. Of all the people You could have taken, she asked God, Why did it have to be him? You could have killed so many bad people, or people not half so nice as he was. He was kind, considerate, and noble…a true gentleman. He liked me, too. We could have become so close. We were just startin’ out when he was gunned down, but we had such a special link. After he died, it seems I started losing everybody…You had to take away every last person who loved me! Why?

A tear rolled off her cheek and onto the pocket bible, directly on the words that Doug had penned with his own hand. Knowing it was likely to smear now, she desperately blotted it with her shirt. She buried her head in her pillow and prayed for God to end her life.