DISCLAIMER: These are Marvel's characters, used without permission, Harmony's ours, we're not making any money, blah, blah, blah, blahhhhh....

LITTLE MISS FIRECRACKER, PART 2/2

By Denise Keppel and Krista Schneidereit

Note: Full lines of dialogue surrounded by asterisks * * denotes telepathy.

(Rogue flies out the window and picks Logan up and throws him inside. Cerebro comes alive and says: "Warning, Danger alert. Rogue is having PMS. Do what she says, and maybe nobody will be hurt." Rogue then cleans up the puddle using Logan's behind.)

Jubilee: (She and Meltdown are taking notes.) See, Professor, we are learning something here. Using your powers remind every male in the room that you can hurt them, and like man, they will do what you want.

Meltdown: (To Jubilee.) See, you could use this on lame lips over there and...

(Logan realizes that Jubilee was kissing Bobby and starts to foam at the mouth. While this might have meant that the mansion had a new ice sculpture, they were interrupted by Harmony.)

Harmony: This is fun! Let's see what happens when every woman in the room has PMS!

Jubilee: No way! Watching Wolvie beat the crap outta Bobby is ten times more fun!

Rogue: Let me help, shugah. (Makes a fist.)

Logan: Who am I to argue with a lady... (Under his breath.) ...with PMS!

Jean: Me, too. There's still some cobwebs up inside that light fixture on the ceiling... (A pink TK cloud begins to form at her forehead.)

Betsy: I haven't fried anyone's brain lately... (Her psychic knife appears.)

Storm: Speaking of which, Elisabeth, I am in the mood to fry someone, as well... (Lightning crackles around her hands.)

Meltdown: Sounds good to me! (Tosses up a time bomb and catches it.)

Jubilee: Yeah! Let's "celebrate"! (Shooting off some fireworks.)

Bobby: <gulp!> <ahem!> (Backs off as the X-Ladies and Logan advance toward him.) Uhhhh, girls- I MEAN ladies... let's talk about this rationally, shall we? (He starts sweating small ice cubes.)

Logan: Hey! I ain't no skirt! (Growls as the foam reappears at his mouth.)

Gambit: Oh, good goin' Bobster! Now y' done it! Leas' it be him an' not me!

Rogue: Keep it up, an y'all're next, shugah! That goes for all o' ya!

Bishop: Mommy! (Jumps behind a chair. Only his eyes and forehead show above it.)

(Logan leaps at Bobby, claws extended, growling ferally. The Professor realizes the Harmony is a mutant and quickly seizes control of her brain. Jean sends Scott a look that almost melts the Iceman. Betsy looks at Warren.)

Jubilee: See, if Logan would let me date... (Xavier changes control. The men start to act like Donahue.)

Warren: Say, Logan, old chap. Why don't we sit down and discuss why you are so worried about Jubilee's dating?

Scott: And then we can discuss why an older man would date teenagers.

Hank: I'll go get some tea. One lump or two? (Takes a head count.)

Cable: And after that, my father and I can bond.

Bishop: First, let's us discuss how to support Gambit and Rogue.

Sam: Ah think Ah'm gonna cry. This is so sweet.

Logan: Let it out. We're here to support you.

Jubilee: If they group hug, I'm leaving!

Betsy: I want to be the first to apologize for the way I've treated you. I should have been your friend, not planting hayseeds around your room, Sam.

Remy: Gambit want to apologize for painting your neck red.

Jean: (To the professor.) How did you know she was a mutant?

Xavier: By the body build. (He switches emotions again.)

Jean: Her body build?

Jubilee: You were scopin' her bod? Whoa, you're not as lame as everyone says you are!

Xavier: <AHEM!> If that was your version of a compliment, Jubilation, perhaps you should keep your comments to yourself!

Remy: (smugly) Yeah, petite. If'n ya don' got nothin' good t' say, don' say nothin' at all.

Bobby: Well, at least we should be grateful the Prof. was scopin' Harmony and not Jubilee.

Sam: That's disgustin'! She's younger than mah sister-- (He stops abruptly. All eyes turn to Bobby.)

Bobby: (Faux innocence shoulder shrug.) What? I thought we were supposed to be being supportive to each other! How about a nice group hug? (Displays a wide toothy grin and holds out his arms. General squabbling and arguments erupt around the room. Pillows and other small objects are being flung/propelled through the air. Pushing and shoving has started as Hank returns with the tea. Everyone is slapping and/or beating on Bobby.)

Hank: This ignominious repartee is indubitably not apropos! Pernicious emotions are direly detrimental to an individual's cerebral constitution and corporeal vitality!

All: (All squabbling stops. Everyone blankly stares at Hank, gaping.) Whaaaaat?

Hank: (Sighs contentedly in satisfaction.) Works every time. (Smiles as he sets down the tea. Looks at Bishop.) One lump or two?

Bishop: Uhhh... (Still trying to figure out what Hank said earlier.)

Hank: (Holds up one finger on one hand and two on the other.) How many?

Bishop: (Points to the two fingers.) That one.

(Hank finishes distributing the tea and conversation picks up again.)

Storm: My, but this tea has an odd taste. But pleasant in its own unique way.

Warren: Yes, different and a little strange. For tea, anyway. But I like it. Can't put my finger on precisely WHY, but I like it.

Hank: Thank you. It's my own...special blend.

Rogue: Aren't YOU going to have any, Hank?

Hank: Ahhhh....no.

Betsy: (Setting her teacup down on the coffee table.) Whyever not, Henry?

Hank: I'm....not thirsty. But I'm perfectly content to sit here and converse with all of you.

Professor: *All right, Hank. WHAT is going on?*

Jean: *Yes, Hank. What's happened here?*

Hank: (sheepishly) *I put a drug in the tea that suppresses negative emotions- hence, no PMS with the ladies, and no fighting with the men. Everyone will act cheery--*

Jean: (Setting down her cup with a small clink and giving Hank a LOOK.) *WHAT?!?*

Hank: *Drink your tea, my dear.* (smiles)

Professor: *Are you afraid this drug will affect you as well?*

Hank: *No, that's not it.*

Professor: *Then why not have any?*

Hank: *Uhm...tea tends to go right through me...*

Jean: (Almost choking on her tea.) Ha ha ha ha!! <snort!> Heee ho ha ha ha!

(Everyone looks at her.)

Jean: Ah haha hahaha ha! <giggle!> heee, hee heeeeeeeeeeee!

Rogue: Oooooooo-kay!

Sam: So, Harmony, yoah a mutant, too?

Harmony: <giggle!> Yup. <Hee, hee, giggle!>

Sam: O.K. What exactly is it that y'all can do?

Harmony: Well, Ah can do some things what aren't legal anywheres else but Neworl'gs. (Gambit perks up, and is slapped by Rogue. As he shakes the molding out of his hair, she continues.) Ah can also fix a motor blindfolded, clean, and skin a chicken in under a minute. Shoot, ya hunt it, Ah cook it.

Rogue: Can you predict the winnin' football teams? Ah'm Southern.

Harmony: Auburn all the way.

Xavier: I meant the mutant powers.

Betsy: Then, Scott should have talked. He's your puppet. (Everybody laughs.)

Bobby: Okay, I've got a joke for you. How many Scott clones does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer, one, but the Professor must tell him to do it. (laughter)

Rogue: Come on, tell another one.

Bobby: What do Scott and a drill have in common? They are both boring. Get it? (laughter) Okay, okay. What has happened to Logan's nose? I don't know, but when he remembers he'll let us know!

Logan: BHAWOR, <snort!>, Brahahahaha. (Starts to pee on the floor. Rogue stands up, and he cleans it up.)

Hank: So Harmony, what is your mutant power?

Harmony: <giggle!> Ah can control somebody's hormonal level. For example, Scott heah, (She looks at Scott, who starts bawling.) or Jubilee, (Gets so hyper she starts to swing off the ceiling fan.), or Gambit (Crosses his legs and sweats). Gambit wasn't that hard. Ah can also alter a person's mood. (Quicksilver enters the room, and starts to laugh.)

Quicksilver: Where's Cable and Meltdown?

Bobby: (The drug is wearing off.) They slid out of here when Rogue had major PMS. (He points to the hole in the wall, that was made by Gambit's head.)

(Joseph enters the room. Harmony stands up.)

Harmony: YOU!

Joseph: Do I know you?

Harmony: I thought you were dead! I KNEW it was too good to be true!

Joseph: OH, thanks! (Rolls his eyes.) I feel SO much better about myself, now!

Harmony: Ah can make ya feel better! (Flashes an evil grin.)

Remy: Now DAT'S a mental image what'll be in MY head all day...

Rogue: Sicko! (Smacks him upside the head.)

(Harmony starts to attack Joseph mentally.)

Joseph: (Holding the sides of his head in agony.) Aaaaaaaagggghhhhh!!!!

Hank: I thought you said you alter hormonal levels!

Harmony: Ah do. But... (Her evil laugh turns deeper as the Shadow King emerges.)

King: I alter minds! Dear sweet Harmony was merely a pawn in my little game! And now, I shall have my revenge on both Magneto and...

All: Joseph!!!

King: Whatever! Do you mind? Where was I?

Bobby: <ahem!> "I shall have my revenge on both, uhm, Joseph and..."

King: ...revenge on both MAGNETO and Xavier!

Warren: (Hovering in front of the possessed Harmony.) Oh, yeah? Not while we're here, Mister! How do you plan to do THAT?

King: Simple, you peons! (Grabs hold of Xavier and Joseph and drags them into the astral plane.)

Jean: Professor! (Touches her temples, eyes closed.) It's no use, they're gone! And he's put up a psychic barrier. I can't follow!

Scott: You did the best you could, Jean. Now we can only hope the Professor is up to the challenge.

Jean: Oh, Scott... (She hugs him and buries her face against his chest.)

Jubilee: (Sticking a finger in her mouth.) Oh, gross!

Logan: Well, he IS the most powerful telepath on the planet, Goggles.

Betsy: Jean, wait! Do you feel that?

Jean: Yes, I do! But what is it?

Betsy: I think it's the Professor...

Jean: No....yes...NO! It's--

(The astral plane rips open, and Joseph and Harmony's limp forms fall to the floor. Towering above them is a huge figure in red and purple armor.)

Onslaught: I AM ONSLAUGHT!!!

Jubilee: Cool! The Prof. finally lost it!

Jean: But what about the Shadow King?

Onslaught: (laughing) That weak fool? He let me out!

Bobby: Aw, shit...

Jubilee: At school, we discussed what to do when he came. We had two plans. Of course, M wanted to arm wrestle him, and Husk had her own ideas. But we agreed on two things.

Scott: As that is two more than we had, let's hear your suggestions. (They huddle.) I don't think that is going to work.

Jubilee: O.K., Mr. I'm so big and powerful! What do you plan to do?

Scott: (Pauses to think.) Jean, are they alive?

Jean: I sense Magneto -- Joseph. He's scared, but fine. The Professor is thinking, wait, I can read his thoughts. "I should have had a V-8." No, sorry, he wants us to get Onslaught mad, very mad. That way he can take over his mind.

Scott: Jubilee, do your worst!

Bishop: (To Gambit.) I see why you sold Avon. That is some wrinkle cream.

Gambit: You telling me dat I sold Avon! Gambit ain't no skirt.

Bishop: But at a hundred, you only look 75.

Gambit: Avon man calling! And t'ink of de male t' female ratio.

Jubilee: Like, boo, man. (Onslaught gets aggravated.) Nanny-nanny boo boo, can't get me! (She starts to run, ducking the psi blasts, which Bishop absorbs.)

Bishop: Scott, Bobby, Storm, hit him with everything you have! (Gambit starts to throw cards, the rest aim at Onslaught. Bishop channels the burst back at Onslaught. Jubilee starts to tell knock-knock jokes.)

Jubilee: Scott, I have no brain that's who! (Onslaught gets mad and moves. Scott's optic blast knocks down a wall.)

Onslaught: (Right by the telephone.) Thor, sore, be gone. (He picks up the telephone and a scream is heard.) His number's up.

Jean: *Professor, he just killed Thor.*

Xavier: *No he didn't, he just sent him to an alternate universe.*

(Bishop knocks down the ceiling and gets the roof. Captain America's number is dialed.)

Xavier: *They will relive the past.*

(Gambit sets the curtains on fire. And the Fantastic Four, who were looking into having Franklin join Emma's playgroup, disappear.)

Xavier: *They will be fine. But off hand, I'd say improve your aim.*

(Bobby misses and Scott slips, knocking a hole into the far wall. The Avenger's number is dialed.)

Onslaught: I've eliminated every ally stupid enough to give you his phone number on this phone.

Bobby: So much for friends and family. Next time we get AT&T.

Xavier: *They'll be back.*

Harmony: Ah know what to do. (She starts to affect every chemical in Onslaughts body. She starts to phase in and out of reality. Finally, she disappears with Onslaught. The Professor and Joseph wake up. Hank picks them up as Storm starts making rain.)

Scott: <sigh!> I guess we're ALL sleeping at the boathouse. And I wondered why nobody would insure the mansion.

Hank: I'll wonder how long we are going to be subject to hormonal problems.

Logan: How can that be?

Sam: She done wore out everything she had. We were exposed. Figure it out.

Betsy: But she's gone now, Onslaught too, so the effects of her power should wear off shortly. What else could happen now?

Hank: Well, I could always make some more tea...

All: WHAT?!?

Hank: Uhm, I mean, tea always soothes me! (Grins toothily to hide his nervousness.)

Rogue: Y'all mean ya drugged us?

Storm: Goddess! No wonder the tea tasted so strange!

Hank: *JEEEEEEEAAAANNNN....*

Jean: *You made your bed, now lie in it.* (smirks)

TO BE CONTINUED IN "REVENGE OF THE SHOWER ROD"

Be afraid. Very afraid...