DISCLAIMER: One last time here: Marvel characters belong to Marvel, and are being used without their consent. Any other characters are ours (wow, there's just SOOO many of them!). Ask before you archive, we aren't making any money off of this (I wish!), yadda, yadda, yadda.

Whew! This story sure was getting long! And now, for the climactic ending! WARNING--this part has graphic singing. Not for the faint of heart! Plus, if you have back or any other health problems, or if you are pregnant, please read this chapter at your own risk. We advise you to check with your doctor before doing so. Thank you.

The Management.

THE XAVIER BUNCH, PART 9/9

By Denise Keppel and Krista Schneidereit

(They practice cheers the rest of the afternoon. Everyone decides to go to the Brady's house after school to make more plans. When they get home, the Bradys tell the Professor and Moira what happened.)

Jubilee: And then, it like, started POURING! And everyone is going, "Weird, huh?"

Alice: My Stormy came through for you! She's an amazing woman! <sigh!>

Moira: She does seem tae be.

Sam: So, Uncle Charles, can y'all make it Friday night? We need ya help.

Professor: Yes, Sam. I'll be there. What exactly did you need me to do?

Emma: I could use a little assistance because I'm in charge of directing the plays. Jean will be in the suit to help. Besides, we need to distract the other team, and since Betsy's a cheerleader, I'm the only telepath left! I'm not sure I can do all of this myself.

Professor: Sounds like a big job. Of course, I'll come as well. It'll work out, you'll see. (Suddenly grunts and brings his hand up to his temple.)

Moira: Charles! Arrre ye all right, love?

Jubilee: Bathroom's up the stairs, the first door on the right, Rhane. And the toilet's working now, too. Alice fixed it.

Rhane: I dinnae need a bathroom, Jubilee!

Jubilee: Just checking--YOW! (She is interrupted by Alice's spoon on the table.)

Alice: Girls, girls! That's enough! Come on, I think it's time for all of you to head on home for dinner. I don't have enough here for everyone.

Jubilee: Oh, Hank! I don't want you to go! <sniff!> (She throws her arms around him to hug and kiss him as Rhane runs upstairs to the bathroom.)

Professor: Alice, you're serving meatloaf again, are you not?

Alice: Yes, sir Mr. B. I'm making the kids eat every last bite of it. And I made spaghetti with meatballs, salad, broccoli, spinach, and chocolate cake.

Professor: How about you go and eat with Storm and we'll do as best we can?

(Upstairs...)

Rhane: I'm sorry I didnae miss yuir shirt, Sammy. (Sam takes the shirt off and smiles.)

Sam: That's hunky dorey shugah, Ah need t' get faster. I'm only the reporter for the school paper, not a football player. (Slips his hand around her waist.)

(In Marvelverse...)

Tabitha: I don't care what you say, I don't care what you do, but this needs to be done. (She kicks Franklin, and the counter starts to fast forward.)

(In Bradyverse, now Friday evening...)

Jubilee: I can't believe it man, here it is the big game and it doesn't feel like we've stopped running around since Wednesday night!

Betsy: I can't thank you enough for the clothing spell Amanda.

Amanda: Since we've stayed the past two nights at your house working on getting ready for this game, it felt like the least I could do.

Kurt: Good thing Hank and I can sleep upside down, off the ceiling fan.

Jubilee: That reminds me, Brian--sorry about Logan. I hope you can sit down again soon.

Brain: That's okay, I liked how Lockheed got ahold of him for me. I do hope he can sit soon. <snigger!>

Meggan: Now that was entertaining!

Sam: (On the phone.) Listen ta me Trish, if ya wants ta make editor, ya have ta take some risks. Come ta the game tonight and see what happens, Ah'm telling ya this is BIG! (pause) Okay, don't come. Ah'll make editor, ya hack! (He slams the phone down in her ear.) Square!

(At the pep talk, in the locker room...)

Scott: Hit 'em hard and hit 'em fast.

Banshee: And leave them on their-- (Seeing Wisdom entering.) --butts.

(In the stands...)

Moira: Sooo...'tis a game where two teams fight oover a piece o' skin?

Alice: No, Mrs. B, a pigskin is a football.

Moira: So these men fight tae hold a ball?

Alice: No, they want to go all the way with the ball.

Storm: So they get the ball and hit a homer? How many semesters does this thing have?

(On the field, at the breakout point.)

Emma: Think, Bobby, what it means to me when you get a touchdown! (Bobby runs though the paper.)

Bobby: Let's RUMBLE!

(In the stands...)

Moira: Okay, boxing is where two grown men fight oover a purse. Och, that must be yuir faaavorite sport, Alice.

Alice: Anyways, they can kick it though a those posts over there.

Storm: Why is it all men's sports involve getting a ball though a hole?

(On the field...)

Professor: *I have one of those headaches again. Something is...blocking me... Can't communicate telepathically very easily. Jean?*

Jean: *It's all I can do to try to direct the ball. And I seem to be delivering it to the other team more often then not. (An evil grin comes over Professor's face.) Oh no, Onslaught has control of him. Quick, Emma!*

(Marvelverse...)

Cable: (On the telephone.) Okay, that two copies for Mystique and ten for Sabretooth. Remy's ex girlfriends want two apiece. Including your order, Sam's mother's order, and Cordelia's order that makes two hundred copies at $59.95 apiece. Oh, Theresa wants one? Okay.

Tabitha: (On another phone.) The Guild of T'ieves wants 50, and Belladonna wants 15--twenty if Gambit drops his pants. What's the total?

Cable: (Consulting his charts.) If you include friends, families, lovers and leavers...1,258. Plus the political people want a few. I've reserved a few hundred for the missing heroes. Did you call Ms. Tilby? (Tabitha starts to gag.)

Tabitha: Not yet, shall we call the Hellfire clubs? (Clearly Harmony still has an effect.)

Cable: Sure, right after you call the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Imagine having a house of our own, and money to rebuild it! (He steps over Artie, Leech and the twins.) This will work out for the best.

Tabitha: (Glances over at the TV.) Wait, the Chipmuks are losing! This isn't good for sales!

(Bradyverse...)

Emma: *No help here, I'm blocked... Well okay, I can do something...* (Distracts other team by lifting her shirt.) Bobby, do it for me, big boy! (Bobby catches the ball and starts to run towards her. In his hurry, he runs offside and straight into the line ref.)

Logan: (Sitting on the sidelines.) Grrrrrrr... Neuter that guy!

Jean: Let's give it a try... (Directs the football directly into Coach O's groin and knocks him unconscious.)

Emma: Once again Bobby! (This time he runs to the goal posts, and the team scores their first touchdown!)

(Marvelverse...)

Cable: TTTTOOOUUUCCCHHHDDDOOOOWWNNN! YES! (The score is now 21-6.) And Jubilee lets off fireworks! (Something forms on the television.)

Luna: Unca Cable lookie at what I gots! (Comes in with her beaker full of 'Barney killer' and her Abu.) ARRRGGGG! ONSLAUGHT!!!

(Bradyverse...)

All Cheerleaders: Yeah, go team, go! (Jean hops around in the Chipmunks suit as they cheer. The other team, however, is not happy at all.)

Havok: Look at the pansies playing with a GIRL on their team! Is that the only way you guys can score? Wooooo-oooo! Hey, baby! (He and the other team members start leering at Rogue and making rude comments.)

Caliban: Shut up, or you will anger me!

Havok: Ooooh, jeepers, I'm sooo scared, guys! Look at me, I'm shaking! (The Marauders laugh at Caliban, who glares angrily. Rogue kicks the extra point. The ball sails in a neat arc between the posts. As Rogue watches it, Havok knocks her over.)

Rogue: <ooof!> (She lands on her back. Sits up, shaking her head.) What in the world- -?

Havok: Welcome to football, babe!

Rogue: (Gets up angrily.) Oh, yeah? Welcome to footBALL! (She kicks him in the groin.)

Havok: (Falls to his kness and holds himself as he writhes in pain.)
OoooOOOoOOOoaaAAaaaUuUuuuuugg GGAaaHhhh! OH OH OH OH OWWWWW!!!

(Back in the stands...)

Moira: Och, our wee son scored a touchdown, Charles! An' there's th' extry point. Och, me Rogue can kick with th' best o' them. <sniff!> Oi'm sooo proud! <gasp!> Och, that puirrr wee laddie. (Stands up, shakes her fist and starts shouting.) Guid for ye, Rogue! That'll teach ye tae mess with me daughter, ye bloomin' hooligan! <sniff!> (She sits down and blows her nose noisily in a handkerchief.) Charles? CHARLES?

Storm: Professor Brady? Look, he must be in shock, he's not responding.

Alice: He does look sort of...spaced out or something--Stormy, look! It's Jubilee's boyfriend! Go, go, GO--yes! Another touchdown! My goodness, how did they manage TWO of them so quickly?

Moira: <sniff!!!!> Isnae this sooo exciting? Me wee bairrrns--playing football!

Professor: <groannnn...> Oh, my head! What happened?

Moira: Charles! Are ye all right, love?

Professor: Yes, I-- (He pauses, in a listening mode.) That was Emma. She and Jean have been picking up some strange interference on the astral plane.

Alice: Oh, no! The Marauders' coach must be regaining consciousness! (The ball is kicked and a Marauders player catches it. He starts running for the Chipmunks' endzone. As the play continues, Hank is celebrating his touchdown. He's so excited that he picks up Leech, who is holding the water bucket, and throws him up into the air. Unfortunately, Leech cancels out Jean's powers and lands on top of her head, knocking her out.) No! Jean's down! Stormy, we have to do something. No one's covering that guy!

Storm: Let me handle this. (She creates a wind that sweeps the ball out of the player's hands.)

Remy: (From the bench.) FUMBLE!!! Ang'lo, get de ball! (Angelo whips his fingers out, quickly snatches up the ball and throws it to Essex, who easily catches it and runs into the Marauders' endzone.)

Betsy: Yay! Go, Nate! (She cocks her head.) He said they're calling a time out to discuss strategy.

Jubilee: Well, I hope they come up with something, and fast, because there's practically no time left on the clock!

(In the huddle...)

Hank: Guys--and Rogue--

Rogue: Thank ya, shugah.

Hank: --I hate to put undue pressure on all of you, but tieing this game WON'T be enough. We HAVE to win, or else what I saw in my head... <shudder!> Jeepers, I don't even want to think about that!

Remy: But, Jean is down! An' we need all de help we c'n get.

Emma: (From the sidelines.) *And Onslaught is awakening...*

Bobby: The only way we can win is to RUN the ball in for two points. Any ideas?

Hank: (Suddenly straightens up and snaps his fingers.) I've got it! Here's the plan, team! (He relays his plan to the rest of the group.)

Rogue: Groovy, Hank! This'll be perfect! (They take the field and prepare to kick for the extra point. Hank holds the ball for Rogue, who moves to kick it, but whips it out of the way just in time.)

Jubilee: HANK?!?!? (She throws her hands up to the sides of her face, shocked.) What are you doing?

Amanda: They're going for the win! They can get two points if they run it in!

(On the field, Rogue and Strong Guy start pummeling bodies as Pietro zooms into the endzone.)

Pietro: (Muttering to himself.) You can do this! You have to, the whole world is depending on you. (Hank throws the football to him.) The ball is my friend, the ball is my friend--eeep! (The football flies right into his face mask and sticks there.) <ooof!> (He pulls it out.) Hey, I caught it! Groovy!

Meggan: YES!!! Two points! We win! (She and the other cheerleaders start doing jumps. The Marauders can only stare in amazement.)

Harpoon: (In a squeaky voice.) We...LOST? I don't believe it...

Onslaught: (In a loud, thunderous voice.) WHAT?!?!?!? I cannot be defeated!

Kurt: Ach, scheiss...

Jubilee: (Gaping at the huge, ever growing figure looming over them.) Yeah, no fake! Hank, help!

Professor: My...my powers! I can't use them! (Onslaught begins to laugh maniacally and the sky turns gray. Once again, objects on the field begin to change shape and swirl into a rainbow of colors.)

(Marvelverse...)

Tabitha: Holy cow, Cable, look at the TV--yipes! (She yelps as the TV screen explodes open and Onslaught emerges from it.)

Luna: ONSLAUGHT!! Daddy!!! Help me!!!!!!!! WHERE'S DADDY?

Cable: (Whips out his gun and does a three-sixty.) Who? What?

Onslaught: You've foiled my plans one time too many, X-Men! Now I'll finish you--once and for all! Starting with these two peons! (He takes control of Bobby's six foot Barney.)

Tabitha: Oh, shit...

Barney: Over here! (Starts to sing.) I hate you!/ No kill me!/ Lookie here I've got Harmony. (Teleports a limp Harmony from the astral plane.)

Tabitha: Dude, I don't know if we should shoot him or feel sorry for him.

Cable: What, are you NUTS??? That...thing is evil incarnate! SHOOT HIM! SHOOT HIM!!! (He cocks his gun.)

(The part of Onslaught that is the Professor starts to make contact with Luna.)

Barney: So you can hiss,/ but there's nothing you can do./ Kill me, and you'll kill her too!

Tabitha: Shoot! (Barney moves in front of the sales records.)

Cable: Not there! (Tabitha gives him a hot foot and Barney runs in front of the VCR, where Bradyverse is in hysterics.) Can't ruin our big chance! (This time, Tabitha does exactly what millions of Americans want to do when she nails.)

Barney: EWWWWW!/ You hurt me/ and didn't get dear Harmony!

Cable: Forget the girl! (Steps over Franklin, who is still glued to the TV with the rest of the kids.) You'll never sing again! (Barney limps in front of the door overlooking the lake.)

Barney: You just might miss!/ And then what will you do?/ I'll survive and come back for you! (Cable nails him.)

Cable: We'll see!

Barney: (reeling) Watch Barney do/ will hurt you/ and all your friends too!/ So don't diss/ cause I know what I'll do/ I'll survive and come back as-- (Cable shoots him again and Barney falls screaming into the lake. As he is falling, Luna hits him with the Barney killer.)

Luna: ABU! (Runs to hug her monkey.) We did it! Barney is dead!

Artie, Leech, and Guthrie twins: Yeah! (Jump up, join hands and start to sing.) Ding-dong the witch is dead!

Tabitha: (Cradling Harmony's body.) I'm so sorry! I just thought that you'd be a fun date for Hank.

Harmony: Trust me, hon. Ah'm bettah off <cough!> dead <cough!> than alive when they get back. (She dies, never to return--maybe.)

(The missing team mates return, still dressed in their seventies threads.)

Professor: What happened? The last thing I remember I was checking out this groovy, far-out, happening chic--er female mutant.

Moria: (As she is trying to flatten her hair.) We thought that we might come and visit you...

Jubilee: Wow, Prof, nice perm! You too, guys. Especially Gambit.

Professor: What? (His hoverchair floats in front of a mirror on the wall and he gazes at his reflection, shocked.) I've got hair!

Remy: Eeep! (Behind the Professor, staring into the mirror.) Gambit got a perm!! (He whips out a comb and starts combing his hair in anguish. Warren and Bobby gulp as they see their own hair.) De world mus' come t' an end--amis, check out Henri! An' I t'ought my hair was bad! (Hank, ignoring Remy, walks over to check on Harmony and remembers everything.) Wha' else can happen? (Wolverine starts to remove his dog collar.)

Jubilee: (Noticing Hank's class ring on a chain around her neck.) Whoa, who's is this? It's HUGE! I only know maybe two or three people... (Squints as she examines it, trying to make out the initials.) H. P. M...? Waitaminute... (Suddenly it all comes back to her. Her eyes open wide.) <gasp!> OMIGOD, I kk...kkk....kissed... OHHHH MY GOD!!!

Remy: If I remember correct, petit' dat not all you two did! (Elbows a snickering Bobby in the ribs.)

Hank: (softly) Please, please, not that!

Jubilee! Augggghhhh! (Gives Remy a slap across the face, hard.) That's NOT true, Gumbo, and you know it! (She turns beet red and runs from the room.)

Rogue: Remy, how dare ya accuse poor Jubilee of that? <slap!> Why, Ah ought ta...

Logan: WHAT?!?!? <SNICKT!> How dare you touch her? She's just a kid!

Tabitha: Eeew, you cradle robber! Gross! (Sticks out her tongue and puts her finger in her mouth.)

Hank: (Fuming, his fists tightly clenched.) Harmony, good thing you're already dead!

Tabitha: Luna and C already tranked 'er, but good. You saw her. Besides, Onslaught made her do it.

Cable: Never mind Harmony, or Onslaught. YOU (Points his mega huge extended barrel plasma rifle with super quiet silencer and bonus built in staple gun at Bishop.) kissed Storm!

Bishop: (Nodding his head Hank's direction.) Hey, that's nothing! At least she and I never slep-- mmfmmffff! (Cable's eyes grow wide and the gun shifts over to Hank.)

Hank: (Quickly silencing Bishop by slapping his hand over his face.) Heh, heh...oh, shit! Thank you, that will suffice for the moment, Bishop. We'll discuss this later!

Storm: <BLUSH!!!> Goddess! I remember now...Bishop! <BLUSH!!!!!!!>

Jubilee: (Returning to the room.) Cool, what do you remember?

Storm: GIVE me that videotape! (Snatches it up and fries it with lightning.)

Jubilee: Awww, shucks! Dammit, I wanted ta see that tape. Besides, it woulda proved ta Gumbo here that NOTHING HAPPENED BETWEEN ME AND-- (She pauses as she sees all eyes intently fixed upon her.) <blush!>

Tabitha: (Whispers in Jubilee's ear.) Don't worry--C made a backup copy... (Jubilee cracks a broad grin as she hears this.)

Jubilee: Cool! But the real story about Hank...I remember everything. 'Ro was number one, (Storm blushes.) and Jean here (Pointing her thumb Jean's direction.) was number two!

Scott: WHAT?!?!?!? (Turns to Jean, who blushes even redder than Storm.)

Betsy: (To Warren.) <snicker!> First time for everything, eh, Warr?

Warren: (Trying not to laugh.) I'm not <guffaw!> getting involved <chortle!> here!

Bobby: Pssst! Hey, Remy! "Jean's a ho, Jean's a ho..." (Jean blushes even darker.)

Remy: (grins) Yeah, but McCoy here's puttin' up a pretty good fight f' firs' place, too!

Paige: (To Sam.) My, my, horny devil, ain't he?

Sam: An' Ah thought our parents were horny! If Doctor McCoy ain't careful, he'll have more kids'n they did!

Paige: But Sam, he'd haveta be really horny foah that ta happen!

Sam: Well, he's got a good start, Sis.

Hank: <AHEM!> That's enough, people! We have a far more serious predicament to concern ourselves with at the moment.

Rogue: What's that, shugah?

Hank: The mansion AND the boathouse were both demolished! Where are we going to live for the time being?

All: Awww, shoot!

(Later, after a quick survey of the boathouse...)

Scott: You know, most people might have to keep a lawyer on retainer, but we have to keep a construction company on a retainer. Every month or so, we need them to fix something.

Jean: The den is ruined, the bathroom has no door, and for some reason the shower rod is on the floor. Know what that means? (She looks up expectantly.)

Meggan: The lighthouse is a bit crowded... I mean, uhm, you wouldn't fit.

Rogue: But Ah thought y'all was stayin' at Muir--

Emma: You can't stay with us in Boston... Ev, yeah Ev has the mumps. Wouldn't want the men to be exposed to that! (Jean sighs and starts thumbing though the phone book.)

Scott: WE don't destroy every place that we stay at. Last week, when we had to stay at Motel 6...

Bishop: Remy knocked down the door with his bike and Logan used the walls to sharpen his claws.

Jean: Do not return...trashed...alien attack...don't even want to remember...no roof...no floor...Warren-- what about your apartment in New York?

Warren: Being treated for...uh, termites, as is everything else I own. Yeah, termites!

Hank: (Stops sweating for a minute.) There are camping provisions in a cave around here. Or the No Tell Motel. It should be nice to have more than one serviceable bathroom for the ladies...I mean, with the way females require the use of the bathroom...um...I believe I'll go procure the tents...

Remy: Good ding 'cause Gambit...

Betsy: (To Kitty, Amanda, and Storm) What's with Beast?

Rogue: Ah think we'll find out soon enough.

Jean: Most likely something mild. (Emma runs to the bathroom.)

Tabitha: Hey, how real was that Bradyverse?

Emma: (Leaving the bathroom.) I've got the burn mark from where I spilled McDonald's coffee on me. Why?

Tabitha: So, what happened to your body there counts here?

Warren: (Rubbing his sore butt.) I'd say so. Why?

Tabitha: (Eyeing Bobby and Emma.) Um, no reason, just wondering. (Whispering, to Hank.) Judging from what I saw in that tape, I'd check to see if Emma's preggers!

Hank: (Gulps and eyes the X-women.) I think maybe some testing is in order...

TO BE CONTINUED IN "BOIL A LOT OF WATER, BUB!"

The best is yet ta come...