Title: Broken Angels 4

Author: lilithangel

Website: www.livejournal.com/users/lilithbint

Fandom: AtS

Pairing/characters: Angel/Spike, Connor and the rest of the AtS gang

Genre: hurt/comfort

Disclaimer: They belong to all of us now.  Not making money off this.

Summary: Set after the events of "Broken Angel".  Angel is healing physically but not emotionally.  Connor comes back into their lives with a plea to help Spike.

A/N: This chapter takes place betwen BtVS season 7 Bring on the Night and Showtime.  Spike was not there to start killing again but The First still has a use for him when he returns.  Spike's journal entries will be in italics.

They drove to Sunnydale in silence, Angel still mulling over his decision to help Spike and Connor simply content to sit next to Angel without anger or guilt between them for a while.

Angel assumed Spike had found some form of transportation back to Sunnydale and realised he had no idea how the unbalanced vampire got to L.A in the first place. 

He purposely steered his mind away from how he was going to explain Connor to Buffy and the others and focused instead on how do deal with Spike.  He needed to know how Spike got his soul and what the madness was about.  Angel had suffered remorse and despair when he was cursed but did not have the descent into madness that Spike was going through.

Then there was Connor, Angel looked over at his son wondering again if there was any chance of relationship with the troubled boy.  He had Spike to thank for the fragile peace between them and that felt strange.

Connor met his gaze solemnly but without the normal aggression Angel was used to seeing and he felt another surge of hope that things could be worked out between them.

"Where will we go first?" Connor asked Angel.

"Buffy's house, it's the most likely place for Spike to have gone," Angel answered.

"It will be light in a few hours we will need somewhere to stay," Connor added.

Angel blinked in surprise that Connor would think of that and then thought hard about their choices.  He didn't think it was the best idea to say with Buffy and the other two choices both held bad memories for Angel.

He still held the lease to his apartment but looking at the bed always reminded him of that brief moment of complete happiness that had destroyed so many lives.  The mansion held a whole different set of memories many of which involved Spike in ways that Angel was not prepared to remember.

"I have an apartment where we can stay, it's not much but its comfortable," Angel answered and Connor nodded, "I should call Fred and the others let them know where we've gone."

Connor sat in silence as Angel called Wesley and explained to Fred what they were doing.  He hoped he had done the right thing telling Angel where Spike had gone but he was too worried about the blond vampire to care.

Caring about Spike had snuck up on the teenager, having a friend and having someone to care about was a new experience for him and it was having a positive effect on Connor.

"We'll go directly to Buffy's house and then the apartment if Spike is not there yet," Angel said to Connor after hanging up from assuring Wesley of his health and well being and promising to call each day.

"The journal," Connor asked suddenly, "are you going to read it?"

Angel thought about the small book burning a hole in his jacket pocket and nodded, "Spike wanted me to and I hope it will tell me what happened to him."

Conversation died but they travelled into Sunnydale in comfortable silence neither feeling the need to say anymore.

Pulling up outside the house Angel hesitated before getting out, "they don't know about you," he began tentatively.

"So what, you want to keep me secret?" Connor asked angrily.

"No," Angel denied vehemently, "just be prepared for a not very nice reaction and try to keep your temper, please."

"Wont be the first bad reaction I have had," Connor answered bitterly but he nodded, "I will try."

Walking up to the door Angel found himself as close to Connor as he could get.  Without questioning his behaviour Angel felt calmer close to his son and did not move away.

Getting closer they realised that the front door and windows were broken in.  Worried Angel hurried to the entrance coming face to face with a tired and worn looking Buffy.

"Angel what are you doing here?" she asked tiredly.

"Buffy," as always Angel felt the pang of regret at seeing his slayer but he was too tired and worried to start with the pleasantries "have you seen Spike?" he asked bluntly.

The surprise on her face was quickly overwhelmed by distrust and worry, "he was here but why?"

"Can we come in Buffy?" Angel interrupted her, "it's kind of a lot to explain."

Surprised she nodded and invited them in looking curiously at Connor.

Inside they found themselves face to face with all the Scooby gang looking the worse for wear.

Xander glowered at the dark vampire but continued to clean up the debris in the living room.

Dawn, Willow and Anya were seated at the table research books scattered around.

Deciding to get the worst out of the way first Angel gestured to Connor, "this is Connor, my son," he introduced the teenager to the dumbfounded group.

If Angel had been in a better mood he would have been darkly amused by the varied responses to his announcement except for the confused betrayal in Buffy's eyes.

Everyone began talking at once in shock the babble impossible to separate out.

"Mine and Darla's," Angel added to the confusion.

"Darla?" Buffy spoke for the first time her voice breaking.

"It's a long story," Angel continued, "magical pregnancy and more, if we had more time I would explain better," he said looking earnestly at Buffy, "but I need to know where Spike is."

"Since when does dead boy worry about fangless," Xander piped up, "unless you are intending to stake his sorry ass?"

Connor flung a glare at the male Scooby, "you don't talk about them like that," he all but growled.

Xander bristled and made to move but a glance from Buffy stopped him.  Angel laid a gentle hand on Connor's arm silently reminding him of his promise.

"The Bringers grabbed him not long ago," Buffy answered Angel, "Angel it's the First again," they shared a look of grief and memories of their last encounter with the First.

Angel shuddered as the memory of the mind games the First played on him and how close he came to walking into the sun came back, "why would the First want Spike?"

"You never answered why you want Spike," Xander added again.

"I owe him, he helped me out in L.A," Angel replied haltingly shame still coursing through his mind.

"We are going to check out the school basement," Buffy told Angel, "we have a clue that leads there."

"We'll come with you," Angel agreed his fear at what was happening to Spike overcoming his own reluctance to face the First again.

* * * * *

Angel led Connor to his apartment just before dawn tired and down heartened.  They had failed to find Spike but Angel had smelt his blood all over the strange seal they had discovered.

They had covered the seal over with dirt again and Angel had tried to follow Spike's scent but a strange smell was masking it and they lost the trail.

He and Buffy had barely exchanged words during the search and Angel was not sure what he could have told her if she had asked.  It hurt him to be causing her grief but he also realised that things had changed between them.  Not just because of Connor and Spike but because of time and distance.

Connor had been content to explore in silence ignoring the looks that Buffy threw his way intent on finding Spike.

"You know he has a soul now?" Buffy asked Angel before they parted.

Angel nodded, "it's tearing him apart."

"Was it..." she hesitated, "was it like that for you?"

"It hurt a lot and there was a lot of guilt and grief to come to terms with, it doesn't really ever get any easier," Angel explained diffidently.

"You know why he got it?" this time it was Buffy who could not look at Angel.

"He told me," Angel confirmed, "When he wanted me to kill him."

"Why didn't you?" her voice betrayed her confusion and a hint of betrayal.

"He told me a lot of what happened," Angel replied with a non-committed tone.

Buffy blushed, "it was a bad time after I came back," she added with just a touch of defiance.

"We'll talk tonight," Angel said giving her a quick kiss on the cheek when they reached her door and leaving her there.

* * * * *

Angel had arranged for food to be left at the apartment for him and Connor.  Everything looked just as it had before he left Sunnydale and Angel found it impossible to look at the bed in the back.  The memories of what had occurred there were still fresh and haunting in his mind.

He busied himself with making food for Connor and warming blood on the little stove his actions automatic even after all the time away.  He placed a plate of sandwiches on the table and settled down with a mug of blood.

Connor looked around curious to see how Angel had lived before idly picking things up and putting them down before sitting and bolting down the food Angel prepared for him.

Angel could not hide the smile on his face as he watched Connor acting like a normal teenager, mayonnaise dripping down his chin as he attempted to inhale his food.

Connor looked at Angel suspiciously unused to seeing a smile on the normally taciturn vampire's face.  Angel contented himself with reaching over and wiping the smear of mayonnaise off with his thumb.

Connor stiffened at the contact then, realising what had happened, liked the remaining off his lips.  They sat frozen staring at each other neither prepared to break the moment. 

Finally it was Angel who looked away, "you can have the bed I'll take the couch, we both need our sleep."

"You take the bed," Connor declined, "you won't fit on the couch."

They stared at each other again and again Angel looked away first nodding in agreement.

He cleaned up the dinner mess and quickly made up the couch with spare blankets and a pillow.

"Tired?" Angel asked seeing Connor yawn.  Connor nodded and curled up on the couch pulling a blanket over his body fully clothed.

Angel opened his mouth to say something then closed it with a snap and went over to the bed.  He took his suit jacket and shirt off but hesitated at his pants finally lying down and closing his eyes still wearing them.

"Goodnight Connor," he said.

"Will Spike be okay?" Connor asked softly.

"I hope so," Angel answered not trying to hide his concern.

"Goodnight... dad," the last was whispered so softly that Angel nearly missed it and he fell asleep with a smile on his face.

Angel woke to find Connor standing over him a look of indecision on his face.

"I couldn't sleep," Connor confessed, "it was better when we were all asleep together."

Angel nodded and lifted the sheet in reply.  Connor lay down stiffly beside Angel relaxing only as sleep claimed him.

Angel lay quietly watching his son sleep amazed at how far they had come from the angry boy that had thrown him into the ocean and fought him at every turn.

And it had been Spike who had made the change, crazed ever insightful Spike.  Angel smiled thinking for not the first time that Thorn would be a better name for the irrepressible blond.  They had been fighting for so long it was still strange to feel anything but anger for the creature that refused to let him regret his turning.

The last time he had been gifted this Connor had been a baby he had his team and he was a close to happy as he had ever deserved to be.

Angel sighed and inhaled the scent of his son before carefully taking up Spike's journal and beginning to read.

He flicked quickly through the earliest memories pausing only when he saw his own name.  It felt like intruding but Spike had wanted him to read and understand so he continued until he reached Spike's arrival in Sunnydale.

He is here and I can smell the soul all over him, bastard.  The spell to heal Dru requires Sire blood well damn him she matters more, she has to matter more because she's all I have.

And later: God it hurts but worse is where it doesn't hurt.  I'm scared that I can't be fixed.  Dru promised to make me better but now that he is here she doesn't see me anymore her eyes are for her daddy only.  Thought I hated him with the soul but I had forgotten how much of a bastard he is without it.  This obsession with the slayer is what's wrong, could deal with the pettiness even handle him taking my Dru but the slayer will be the death of him.  This one isn't finished with the dance yet, the two I offed they were ready, not that I'll tell him that.  Let him learn for himself.

As the sun set the tears were flowing freely as Angel finished Spike's journey.  Everything that Spike had been through from the chip to going to Africa was detailed.  After that the entries were more sporadic and harder to understand sometimes dashed down filled with smudges and smears, other times carefully written in tiny writing as if Spike had been trying to contain his emotions.

Connor woke to the scent of Angel's tears and turned to see him close the journal pain and guilt written all over his face.  Connor brushed the tears away gently, "we'll find him we have to," he consoled Angel.

* * * * *

Buffy had encountered the Turok-Han in the caves beneath Sunnydale and Angel knew that Spike was down there somewhere but he was torn.  The Turok-Han was stronger than anything Buffy had encountered before; it had almost defeated her twice in one day and she was hurt.

Help them, why do I stay?  Still a vampire when all's said and done.  She's gone and I failed her, won't fail the Bit as well.  Watched her jump knew that even the Slayer couldn't survive that...

Connor wanted to head down into the caves and find Spike his interest in the Turok-Han overwhelmed by his fear for Spike.  He bristled every time they were in Buffy's company not liking the way she looked at Angel.

Know she doesn't love me but thought she needed me, thought it would be enough.  Just an excuse for her not to be taken seriously and it hurts to be second best again but I'll stay, made a promise to a lady.

Angel had had to restrain Connor from hurting the Scoobies several times; especially Xander who could not resist the urge to make digs at Angel whenever possible.

They brought her back, left her to dig her way out of the grave.  She was in heaven she told me, me not them...

Connor didn't care that a month earlier he would have enjoyed the way Xander treated Angel.  Now it made him angry, they didn't know what Angel had been through what he was doing to help people.

Connor didn't think too hard about his change of attitude toward his father or his need to be close to both Angel and Spike.  He just wanted his family back and he wanted to hurt something.

Things got even tenser when Giles arrived with the potentials and the extent of the trouble they were facing was revealed.

In the end Angel knew that Buffy had to fight and defeat the Turok-Han on her own otherwise she would never be ready to defeat the First.  She was the Slayer and it was her destiny.  Angel had known that when he left for L.A the first time and nothing had changed.

Thought it was just another game, the kind that ended with her smashing me into a wall and pounded herself on me, choking my words with her mouth.  No kisses not from her, just her way of silencing me.

So he and Connor left them to their planning and headed for the caves.

* * * * *

There was pain and the faces that told him he deserved the pain and he didn't argue.  They wanted him to turn from the spark and then he did argue because he had fought for the spark and it had brought him Connor and Angel so he laughed at the voices and laughed at the pain.  Glory had caused him pain, the Initiative had tried it, bugs had crawled under his skin and fire had been pressed into his chest.  Pain was nothing anymore merely a distraction from the voices and the faces that accused him.

Wanted to go back, show her what I had done but the voices got so loud I don't think she heard me. 

Doesn't matter now there is no forgiveness no love here.  Just screaming and anger and guilt.  Shouldn't be here don't belong here need something else, something to stop the voices.  He is the only one not here so I will go to him family blood it draws me.  William is a bad man so many dead, he will take the pain away stop the voices so I can sleep.

Spike looked up at the First who had finally twigged to what would hurt him the most.  It had tried to break him with the face of the slayer, tried to turn him with the face of his dark princess but he knew.

The First's pet had hurt him physically but it was a tickle compared to what had come before.  It had hurt more when they had strung him up to use his blood to release the pet in the first place.   It hurt to think he was causing more trouble for them all after he had promised not to.

Now he was standing there but Spike was not going to be fooled by another trick. 

"No point in taking that form won't help you, you can't hurt me anymore," he stopped when a second form came into his line of vision, "little brother you are not dead?" his voice questioned fearfully.

"No he's not," Angel answered cutting through Spike's bonds and catching him before his weakened body could hit the floor.

"You're real," Spike's voice was full of wonder, "I left you but you came anyway."

"We're family Spike," Connor answered helping Angel carry the shattered blond out of the cave.

"Let's go home," Angel added trying to hide the break in his voice at the sight of Spike's battered body, "Buffy handled the Turok-Han she will be fine."

Spike nodded his head painfully, "Knows what the threat is now, from beneath it came but she will find the truth and her strength."

"And so will you Spike," Angel answered.

"Can't leave without my jacket," Spike added petulantly.

Angel laughed and shared an amused glance with Connor relieved to see another flash of the old Spike.

"We'll get it and get out of this town," Connor stated firmly, "I don't like it here everything itches."

"Hellmouth will do that son," Angel replied, "We all feel it."

"Family," Spike smiled as they helped him into Angel's car.

TBC

One more chapter to go I think and then I will wrap things up for now.