Gladys and Maud’s excellent adventure in Cardiff
 
Author: Lilithangel
 
Fandom: AtS/Torchwood
 
Characters: Jack, Owen, Ianto, Tosh, Gwen, Captain John, Gladys, Maud, Angel, Spike, OC's
 
Rating/Warnings: this is crack, nothing more than complete crossover madness.
 
Summary: In my series V.I.S.S http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=lilithbint&keyword=VISS&filter=all and the sequel Almost Famous http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=lilithbint&keyword=Almost+Famous&filter=all and the sequel of the sequel Meanwhile in Italy http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=lilithbint&keyword=Meanwhile+in+Italy&filter=all Spike and Angel get tangled with Gladys and Maud the two most unlikely vampires ever made.  Grandmothers and knitters extraordinaire they were turned by an unfortunate vampire who didn’t know what he was getting into.  They got their souls back so they could go back to bingo at the church and spear-headed Soul Rights while on holiday in Rome.  Demanding the Watchers Council recognise the rights of all demons to exist.
 
Now their travels have taken them to Cardiff.  Ianto gets a sweater, Jack gets a lecture, Owen gets a support group and a crazy idea, and Tosh and Gwen get some meat on their bones.  The reason for the Weevils wearing boiler suits is revealed Captain John has a fondness for churches and Spike meets a long distant relative.
 
* * * * *
 
There were always tourists in the Plass although there were fewer at night, and not often little old ladies taking photos with enthusiasm. 
 
“Young man,” one called to Jack who looked around in confusion.  He wasn’t often called young man and especially not when he was standing on the invisible lift.  “Yes you, with the stylish coat,” she added, waving at him.
 
Confused, but never one to miss a compliment, Jack stepped off the flagstone and wandered over.  “How may I assist two such lovely ladies?”
 
“Could you take a photo of Gladys and me in front of the wonderful water tower?  It’s a beautiful city don’t you think, are you just visiting or are you working here?  We’re doing most of our sightseeing at night and it is such a bother finding out what’s open when, a local perspective would be very useful.”  The woman chattered away too fast for Jack to answer.  She thrust the camera in his hands and the two of them stood in front of the tower.  “It’s just a point and click type,” she added.
 
“Stop chattering at the poor man, Maud,” Gladys said, “that nice young man in the tourist office gave us plenty of information before he had to close up shop.  I do hope he had a nice boy waiting for him.”
 
“Now you don’t know he was that way inclined, Gladys,” Maud scolded, “just because he had immaculate dress sense and manicured nails.  He might just like to look nice.”
 
Jack took photos and understood why Ianto had come down into the Hub, downed a whiskey, and pleaded a headache before going to hide in the archives.  The next thing he knew he was standing between them and another hapless bystander was snapping pictures.
 
“We were only planning on Italy and some of Europe but when we popped over to merry old England we just couldn’t resist,” Gladys was saying.  Jack was pretty sure an entire conversation had happened but he had missed it all.
 
“And our Mary had been over on a student exchange last year and couldn’t stop raving about Cardiff so we just had to visit.  Father Benson, our priest back home, is Welsh and gave us the name of a lovely woman with the most adorable bed and breakfast.  She caters for specialised diets, which was so useful,” Maud beamed at Jack as they walked along the waterfront.
 
Jack had no idea how he had ended up escorting them along the Cardiff waterfront and was beginning to suspect they were mind controlling aliens.  Although why mind controlling aliens would chose to appear as tourist grandmothers in gaily knitted sweaters over pants suits was beyond Jack.  It was far worse as a disguise than the Nosverite taking on Rhys’ mother’s form at the wedding.
 
“Do you have a significant other?” Gladys asked him.
 
“That nice young man from the tourist centre actually,” he admitted, happily throwing Ianto to the wolves.  Maud and Gladys cooed with delight and Jack had the horrible feeling that they’d both been invited to tea.  His phone rang and he picked up desperately.  Never had he been so grateful to hear Owen’s voice. “Ladies I am so sorry but an emergency has come up and I have to leave.”
 
Jack wasn’t sure why Gladys and Maud were still with him when he returned to the Hub.  He was certain he had made his apologies and left them on the waterfront, but here they were cooing over Ianto who had already sent him several desperate glances.  He sent an apologetic look towards Ianto and abandoned his lover without a second glance.  He could only hope Ianto would understand and let him earn his forgiveness later.
 
He met the SUV around the corner.  Never had he been so happy to hunt Weevils with Owen, even a dead Owen.  The Weevils did as he told them for a start and boy would Jack love to know how that worked.
 
Jack really hoped they’d be gone when he got back, but he had a terrible suspicion that he didn’t have that much luck.  The suspicion proved right when they returned to the Hub with three subdued Weevils to find Gladys and Maud ensconced on the sofa with a defeated Ianto holding a skein of yarn for Gladys.
 
Gwen and Tosh were on either side of Maud looking at photos.
 
“They’re attractive, are they your grandsons?” Gwen pointed at two slightly dazed men who turned up in a lot of the not very good photos.
 
“Spike and Angel?” Maud smiled.  “No, although we think of them as such and did have high hopes of them joining the family at one stage.  Angel would have been perfect for our Amanda until we found out he and Spike were in a committed relationship.  Such lovely boys, they even insisted on coming to Wales to look after us.”
 
“Spike looks kind of familiar,” Tosh said with a slight frown.
 
“Yes he does,” Gwen agreed, “I can’t place him though.”
 
“So where are Spike and Angel now?” Jack asked casually.
 
“They stopped at this quaint bar for a drink,” Gladys replied, “Maud and I just popped out to take some photos where we met you Jack.  I sent Spike a text and told him we’d met a lovely young man who was showing us around and we’d catch up with them later.  They’re really still newlyweds,” she added, “we thought it would be nice to give them some alone time.”
 
“Jack, could I have a word?” Ianto gave Gladys an apologetic smile.
 
“Owen would be glad to take over wouldn’t you, Owen?” Jack said, “Ladies this is Owen our medic.”
 
“Doctor Owen Harper,” Owen corrected with annoyance, but he sat down and accepted the skein of wool from Ianto.
 
“I must say,” Gladys said, “you are in remarkably good condition, your skin is perfect.”
 
Owen looked at her in confusion.
 
Ianto dragged Jack up to his office.  “Jack, they’re vampires,” he hissed.
 
“Nosverites, are you sure?”
 
“No, vampires,” Ianto repeated, “proper blood drinking, animated corpse vampires.  Tosh did a scan and found no heartbeats or blood flow but completely human DNA.”
 
Jack sighed, “Just what we don’t need.  I wonder if the Watchers Council is aware of them being here.”
 
“The Watchers Council?” Ianto said, “I remember a reference to them in Torchwood London’s communications but there wasn’t any explanation about their function.”
 
“They handle human vampires and other supernatural occurrences,” Jack said, “really I should have called them in when we encountered the Faerie last year, but honestly they annoy me more than Torchwood One ever did.  Their new boss is quite tasty though,” he grinned wolfishly, “maybe it’s time to renew our acquaintance.”
 
Jack grabbed his phone and dialled a phone number.  “Rupert Giles,” he said with a purr, “Jack Harkness, how are you?”  He laughed at the reply.  “Two little old ladies who happen to be vampires, ring any bells?”
 
Ianto watched as Jack’s face twisted with repressed laughter and guessed that Gladys and Maud rang several bells with the mysterious Rupert Giles.
 
“So they’re basically harmless?  Don’t worry Rupert; I’m sure my team can handle anything they throw at us.  Let’s do tea next time I’m in London.”  Jack smiled at Ianto as he hung up the phone.  “I’ve never heard old Rupes so flustered.”
 
“So now what?” Ianto asked.
 
“Now we entertain the ladies until we can find their companions and then we get them the hell out of Cardiff,” Jack said firmly, “anything that flusters Rupert Giles, while entertaining, is better back in London flustering him than us.”
 
They went back down to the main area where Owen was still holding the wool and looking shell shocked.  Gwen and Tosh were eating cake that Ianto didn’t remember buying.
 
“We won’t be long, ladies,” Jack said, ushering Ianto quickly past before anyone could say anything.
 
It only took three bars to find Gladys and Maud’s friends.  The bright blond hair was easy enough to spot and the complete lack of reflection confirmed it.  Jack sauntered up to the bar and leaned against it facing the two vampires.  The welcoming smile slipped as he took in the features of the blond, but he rallied.
 
“Captain Jack Harkness,” he said, “and you two strapping gentlemen must be Spike and Angel.”
 
The blond groaned and the brunet sighed.  “I’m Angel,” the brunet said, “you must be the charming military boy Gladys and Maud met.  What branch of the government are you?”
 
“What makes you think we’re government?” Ianto said, stepping up beside Jack.  His eyes widened when he saw the blond.
 
“Well you’re either an undertaker or a civil servant,” Spike said to Ianto, “and you, big boy,” he said to Jack, “it’s either Village People night at the club or you’re one of those eccentric superhero type.”
 
Jack laughed.  “I like this one,” he said to Ianto.  “We’re Torchwood,” he said to Angel, “and we have your lovely ladies visiting.  I’d really appreciate it if you’d convince them it’s time to move on.”
 
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Spike said with irritation as Ianto’s gaze skittered past him again.
 
“You look a lot like someone we’ve run into before,” Jack said, “it’s taking a bit of getting used to.”
 
Spike shrugged at Jack’s explanation and turned back to his beer.
 
“We’re only scheduled to stay in Cardiff two nights,” Angel replied to Jack.  “Gladys and Maud are basically harmless.”
 
“That’s what Rupert Giles told me and I didn’t believe him either,” Jack said.
 
“You contacted Giles?” Angel said with a frown.
 
“Vampires in Cardiff?” Jack raised an eyebrow, “of course I did.”
 
“Are you sure you don’t want Maud and Gladys to visit for a bit longer?” Spike said plaintively.  “This is the first chance we’ve had to relax all week.”
 
“Why don’t you join us in a drink?” Angel asked.  “Then we can pick up the ladies.”
 
Jack nodded his agreement and Ianto ordered drinks for them.  Spike raised an eyebrow at Jack’s water and then grinned at Ianto who was knocking back a beer.  “That’s a drinker who’s encountered Maud and Gladys.”
 
“No, I always drink like this,” Ianto replied dryly.  “So you’re vampires?” he added.
 
“Yep,” Spike replied, “but don’t worry, we’re bagging it these days, no neck biting for us.”
 
“Not even if I asked real nice?” Jack said with a grin.
 
“Not even,” Angel said severely, glaring at Spike.
 
“I understand,” Jack said, “jealous boyfriend,” he added in mock sympathy to Spike.
 
“Husband,” Angel replied.
 
“Can vampires marry?” Ianto asked.
 
“There was a ceremony,” Angel replied, “it counts,” he added defensively.
 
“Near enough to married,” Spike said, but the little smile on his face hinted that he didn’t really mind.
 
“Jack likes couples,” Ianto replied before Jack could, “but he is learning about boundaries.  If boundaries exist,” he said, eyeing Spike speculatively.  It would be like a test drive for John Hart and he knew that someday Jack was going to suggest it.
 
Spike looked at Ianto with interest and then his gaze shifted to Jack and Angel.  “Possibly too many egos in one bed.”
 
“It would be interesting,” Ianto said, following his gaze.
 
Angel looked almost nervous, but Jack looked more pleased and slightly smug although Spike wasn’t sure if that was just his normal expression.
 
Jack’s phone rang.  He looked at the display and grimaced.  “Yes Gwen, tell me it’s a Weevil alert?”  He listened for a few moments, alternating between grins and worry.  “We’ve found them and we’re on our way back.”
 
“Weevil?” Ianto said hopefully.
 
“No such luck,” Jack said with a sigh, “Gwen’s worried that Maud will find the kitchen and start baking cookies.  Gladys wants you back for a fitting,” he grinned at that, “and Owen has even promised to do his expense accounts properly if we come and rescue him.  Gladys has apparently set him up on a blind date with a zombie.”
 
Spike laughed and Angel sighed.  “We heading off then?” Spike said, finishing his drink.
 
“I guess so,” Angel said.
 
Ianto quickly finished his drink.  “The sweater may well be worth it just to see what’s happened to Owen,” he said.
 
Jack took them down the Invisible lift.  Neither vampire was fooled by the perception filter, but Spike got a great deal of glee at the ride down.
 
Owen grabbed Jack as soon as they stepped off.  He stared at Spike for a minute and then ignored them.
 
“They’re leaving right?” he said to Jack, “for god’s sake tell me they’re leaving.  They’re trying to get me into a support group for zombies and I think I’m going on a date.”
 
“You are a zombie aren’t you?” Angel said and Owen scowled.
 
“I’m not alive but I’m not a bloody zombie,” Owen insisted.
 
“Where are they?” Jack said.
 
“Maud’s searching the kitchen for ingredients to make a cake,” Owen said, “They think Gwen and Tosh are too thin.  Gladys is finishing Ianto’s jumper.”
 
“How come Ianto gets a jumper?” Jack said plaintively.
 
“Because that suit of his couldn’t possibly be keeping him warm down here in the damp,” Gladys said, walking up behind Jack and making him jump.  “What are you doing with this team of yours?  Those lovely girls are like matchsticks, one good gust of wind would blow them away.  I’m surprised Owen wasn’t always sick when he was alive.” She carried on past and held the finished sweater up against Ianto.  “I knew it would bring out your eyes.”
 
“Only because he gouged them out with a spoon,” Owen muttered and Spike smirked.  The sweater was rather bright. 
 
“Now I do hate to hurry everyone but we’re going to be late for bingo,” Maud said as she joined them with Gwen and Tosh in tow.  “I’ll pop back tomorrow with a batch of biscuits and we can stop off on the way and pick up a nice fruit cake to have with tea.”
 
“Where are we going?” Jack said in confusion.
 
“Bingo,” Tosh replied, “at St Matthews.”
 
“I didn’t think vampires could do the whole church thing,” Owen said.
 
“Vampires with souls can,” Gladys said.  She grabbed Spike’s arm and smiled, “thanks to our champions here.”
 
“Why are we going to bingo?” Jack said, still lost.
 
“Well when Gwen told us about your weevilly critters we knew you had to meet Meredith and bingo’s such fun,” Maud said and there was a gleam in her eye when she mentioned bingo that reminded Jack of John at his most blood thirsty.
 
“This is the game with the numbers and the cards right?” Jack said; just to get it clear in his own mind.
 
“The very one,” Ianto replied.  Somehow he had shed his suit jacket and was wearing the vision aching jumper.
 
“I always fancied calling that game,” Jack said suddenly more interested.  “All those neat rhyming couplets.”
 
“We want Owen to meet Meredith’s daughter Megan,” Gladys said, “I think she’ll do wonders for his state of mind.”
 
“She’s a zombie too,” Maud explained.
 
“I’m not a zombie,” Owen said through gritted teeth.  He glared at Jack.  “This is all your fault.”
 
“And this is my penance,” Jack replied as he was swept away by Maud.
 
The Hub should never be left unattended, they all knew that but somehow they were all in a minibus driving to a church to play bingo.  Spike and Angel wore the expressions of those well used to hurricane Maud and Gladys, Gwen and Tosh seemed more at ease both having elderly aunts of a similar nature.  Jack and Owen were sulking in the back of the bus, Owen because everyone was calling him a zombie and Jack because Gladys and Maud kept telling him off for the condition of his team.  Ianto found he could ignore the jumper for the pleasure of watching Jack and Owen face a force of nature they couldn’t charm or yell into submission, and he resolved to take notes on their techniques for future use.
 
Jack perked up when they arrived at the church because it was another aspect of ordinary life he’d never seen before.  There were plenty of older… Ianto was not sure he could call them women for certain but ladies worked for Jack… ladies who weren’t immune to his charms and it got even more interesting when they spotted a familiar face in the hall.
 
“What’s he doing here?” Ianto said.
 
Sitting at a table with three ladies of the definite blue rinse brigade was Captain John Hart, wearing what appeared to be a curate’s outfit.
 
“Bingo John?” Jack said moving to stand over him before he could move.
 
“It’s amazing,” John replied, “pure chance distilled onto a card and little balls.  I won a toaster oven and golf lessons last week.”
 
Jack leaned closer and whispered in John’s ear.  “Whatever you’re planning I will stop you.  Nice look by the way.”
 
John looked shifty and a little sheepish.  “Only if you call house before I do,” he replied to Jack’s confusion.  Jack decided to take a wait and see approach because sheepish was new and not unattractive.
 
Angel and Spike had followed Jack over and were regarding John with interest.  John finally noticed them and looked at Spike in surprise.
 
“I can see why you were surprised,” Angel said.
 
“There might be a resemblance,” Spike said looking at John critically, “he’s a lot older mind.”
 
John had flipped open his wrist strap and was staring at the readings curiously.  “Well that should be impossible,” he said, “and who are you calling old?  At least my DNA isn’t dusty.”
 
“Your DNA isn’t even completely human,” Jack tossed back.
 
 “Forgive my friends, ladies,” John said to the ladies at his table, “their manners are sorely lacking.”
 
“They’re also going to disturb the game if they don’t sit down,” one of the replied, glaring at them.
 
“Don’t mind Maddie,” another one said, “she’s a tad competitive.  Grab yourselves a card and join us.”  She scooted her chair over invitingly.
 
Jack looked around and saw that his team had been absorbed by other tables and it looked like Owen was explaining the rules to Tosh.  Maud bustled over and gave them cards with a beaming smile.  To Jack’s surprise Spike handed Maud a handful of bank notes and she patted him on the hand approvingly.
 
A middle-aged man stepped up onto the stage and started calling the game.  Jack quickly abandoned playing to listen to the patter that reminded him of the old carnivals and to watch the faces of the players.  Gwen was having a ball and he could almost see Tosh trying to calculate the odds on which ball would come out next.  Ianto had his usual intent concentration going, carefully marking off any numbers called on his card and Jack was quite sure Ianto had calculated the odds of what the next number would be.  Owen seemed to have struck up a friendship with one of the ladies at his table, displaying some of his well hidden but still there charm.
 
Looking down Jack realised John had started marking his card as well and he glared at the other man, still suspicious of his motives for being back in Cardiff.
“If he calls a number you have on your card you mark it off,” John whispered, “if you get the first line you win and then we play to the first person to call house, marking off all their numbers,” he added.
 
“What’s your game, Pastor,” Jack hissed back.
 
“Bingo,” John replied with a grin.  Three sets of eyes swivelled to look and he looked abashed.  “Sorry ladies,” he whispered.
 
An excited shriek of Bingo ended the game about ten minutes later.  Jack could see people heading for new cards and quickly pulled John aside with an apologetic smile for the ladies.  Angel and Spike followed curiously.
 
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Jack hissed as soon as they were out of earshot.
 
“Well I was playing a harmless game of bingo,” John began.
 
“Dressed like a vicar?” Jack said.
 
“You never minded before, reverend mother,” John retaliated and then he subsided at Jack’s glare.  “Fine, well I was planning a small scam to get my hands on a tasty item they don’t even know they’ve got.  They actually think it’s the knucklebones of some saint but its Raslk powder.  Who knows how long it’s been sitting there but it’s worth a pretty penny.”  John’s eyes lit up the way they always did and Jack felt a small pang.  There really was nothing like the thrill of the hunt, of setting a mark up.  But he wasn’t that man anymore.
 
“Don’t worry,” John added at his frown, “I couldn’t go through with it.  They were all so damn nice and that Meredith is a fine figure of a woman.”  He looked over fondly at a lady who had to be eighty at least.  She appeared sprightly at least and her purple hair was certainly dramatic.
 
Gladys was bringing Meredith towards them for obvious introductions.
 
“Father John,” Meredith said, “you didn’t tell us you had a brother.” She beamed at Spike.
 
“He’s a bit wayward,” John said, “but we’re hoping to bring him back to the fold.”
 
“What a coincidence that Gladys and Maud’s vampire champion would be related to you,” Meredith continued.
 
“The world is full of wonder, Merry my dear,” John said and Jack resisted rolling his eyes.  “And this is an old and dear friend, Jack Harkness,” he added.
 
“Captain Harkness, how nice to finally meet you,” Meredith said, “I hope Torchwood doesn’t mind our little endeavours to keep Cardiff that little bit more polite.”
 
“Endeavour?” Jack said blankly.
 
“With those poor creatures,” she said, “I know it was a little presumptuous to put Torchwood on the jumpsuits but we figured you’d be able to find them then and we couldn’t have them running around naked.”
 
“The Weevils?” Jack had always kind of figured they were actually Torchwood creatures that fell through the rift.  It never occurred to him that someone was actually making the overalls and how the hell had they managed to dress the Weevils?  Of course this was the woman who’d stopped John from a scam.  Jack looked at Meredith with increased respect.
 
Spike had pulled John aside and everyone was watching them surreptitiously.  Cataloguing the similarities and differences.
 
“Can Spike do that thing with his tongue?” Jack said to Angel who was watching intently.  “Cause I can’t tell you what I’m imagining now.”
 
“You’d better not tell me,” Angel said and Jack could feel the growl.
 
“I hope you two are getting along,” Maud said behind them and they jumped like guilty schoolboys.
 
“And why wouldn’t we?” Jack said with a smile.  It seemed to work in charming Maud and she smiled back, patting her hair into place.
 
“Meredith has invited us girls back to her place for a chinwag,” she said, “I hope you boys can entertain yourselves for a little while.”
 
“I’m sure we can think of something,” Jack said with a grin that suggested many things.
 
“Something like Weevils?” Angel asked hopefully.
 
“Jack does enjoy a spot of Weevil hunting,” Ianto said as he joined them and Jack looked at him speculatively.
 
“Good,” said Spike, “could do with a spot of violence.”  He and John rejoined them with John’s arm slung companionably across Spike’s shoulders.  Both Jack and Angel glared at the tableau, much to Ianto’s amusement.
 
“So you’ll pop by tomorrow and we can show you our little outreach program,” Meredith said to Jack, expecting agreement and getting it.
 
They watched as Gwen and Tosh were swept away by the ladies and Spike overheard enough to know it wouldn’t just be tea and crumpets at their gathering.
 
Spike found the nearest pub and Jack had a sudden feeling that John’s appearance might not be the worst thing they encountered, there was no way Spike could be a good influence, especially in league with John.  Of course he didn’t expect Spike to be a bad influence of Ianto of all people, and Owen had looked disturbingly thoughtful after a private chat with him as well.
 
When Spike and Ianto went for another round of drinks Owen cornered Jack and Angel, and by default John who was trapped between them to avoid any trouble.
 
“So magic is real then?” he said to Angel.
 
“Yes,” Angel said.
 
“You and Spike are dead but you can still eat and have sex?” Owen clarified.
 
“Yes,” Angel said, looking uncomfortable at the line of questioning.
 
“How does that work then?” Owen said.
 
“I don’t know, it just does,” Angel said.
 
“Your hearts don’t beat but somehow blood flows to your dick and you get an erection,” Owen said, “you don’t have a functioning digestive system but Spike still eats things with no ill effect.”  Owen was slipping into doctor mode but Jack could see the direction his thinking was going.  “Can you turn a dead person then?”
 
And Jack was right.
 
“You are not becoming a vampire,” Jack said, loud enough to have the entire bar turn to stare at them and for Spike and Ianto to hurry back to the table.
 
“I’m already a zombie,” Owen said just as loud, “how could it be any worse?  Sure as hell looks a lot better from where I’m sitting.”
 
“You’d have to drink blood,” Jack said.
 
“At least I could,” Owen retaliated.
 
“You wouldn’t be you,” Angel said, cutting between them.  “You’d be a monster, as bad as those weevils of yours.”
 
“You’re not,” Owen said, “make me like you.”  They could all hear the desperation in Owen’s voice.  “I’m in limbo here and I hate it,” he added softly.
 
“How did you become a zombie?” Spike said. 
 
“Got shot and died,” Owen said, “wonder boy over there decided to bring me back for two minutes only it didn’t stop and I’m still here.”
 
“If you’re dead I don’t think we could turn you,” Angel said with a frown.
 
Owen slumped in his seat despair written all over his body.
 
“How did wonder boy bring you back then?” Spike asked.
 
“He has a name you know,” Jack complained, “and it was a gauntlet.  We fished up one of them a year or so back and discovered its properties.  No idea where or when it came from.”
 
“You still have it?” Spike said.
 
“It tried to kill a friend of ours and we destroyed it,” Ianto said.
 
“We could ask Wes to do some research,” Spike suggested.  “See if there’s any record of something like it, might be able to help.”
 
“Can you research the vampire thing too?” Owen said.  “I can’t just keep on like this Jack,” he added when Jack would have protested again.
 
“We’ll see what we can find out,” Angel said.
 
“We do have the soul spell,” Spike said to Angel, “he could still be himself.”
 
“So you’re basically immortal,” John said speculatively.  “I’m just asking,” He said defensively at the look on Jack’s face, “honestly there’s no trust.”
 
“We can’t go out in the sun, we’re vulnerable to impaling,” Angel said.
 
“Isn’t everyone?” John said and by the look in Ianto’s eyes he was thinking similar thoughts.
 
“Nobody’s being turned into a vampire,” Jack said sternly.  “Let’s just finish our drinks and relax shall we?” he said, and as if to jinx him his manipulator bleeped with a rift alarm.
 
If the Weevils reacted strangely to Owen it was nothing compared to how they reacted to Angel and Spike much to Spike’s annoyance.  The Weevils backed away from the vampires in confusion, making it easy to subdue them.
 
“Well that was a letdown,” John said as the Weevil’s were bundled into the Torchwood car.  “I could have really done with some decent violence.”
 
“Yeah,” Spike said in disappointment, “now I’ve got all this pent up energy to deal with.”
 
“I think it’s time to head back to the hotel,” Angel said urgently.
 
“Deal with the energy huh?” Jack said with a smirk.
 
“I think we need to deal with John,” Ianto said to Jack.
 
“Deal with me?” John leered and then his face stilled at the look on Ianto’s face.
 
“You sure?” Jack said to Ianto.
 
“No,” Ianto said, “but yes.”
 
“Gentlemen it was lovely to meet you,” Jack said turning to Angel and Spike with a swirl of his coat, “how about you come back to the Hub tomorrow and we can talk some more?”
 
“Brilliant,” Owen griped, “I’ll just go and take the Weevils back to the Hub shall I, and take the night shift again?”
 
“We’ll think of something,” Jack said to Owen, serious again and Owen nodded jerkily.  “We’ll fix it somehow,” he added.
 
“Just get a bloody move on,” Owen said, “before I change my mind and decide that late night shopping telly is more interesting.”
 
Owen watched as the two groups disappeared into the night and tried not to be resentful that they would all be getting some while he babysat Weevils again.
 
“Vampire…” he mused, “huh.”

 
ENDish

 
A/N: the idea of Owen as a vampire fills me with absolute glee and will definitely be explored in the next part of this epic insanity.


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