A cracked mirror

Author: Lilithangel

Fandom: AtS/BtVS

Characters: Spike, Buffy

Rating/Warnings: PG for language.

Summary: Buffy finds out that Spike was in Rome and turns up in L.A to confront him. Spike doesn’t regret his choice to stay and words are exchanged. Well not really exchanged, Spike does most of the talking this time.

A/N: I have messed around with the timelines with the comics to place them parallel with Angel season 5 but since we don’t really know when stuff is happening I figure it’s fine.



Spike’s demon recognised the feeling before he did that tingling itch in his fangs that promised everything good. Only one thing did that to a vampire and only one in particular twisted his stomach making him want to run in both directions at once.

Instead he forced himself to keep walking. If she wanted to talk to him she’d make herself known. He needed a drink and he really didn’t need to see the slayer. His heart was still raw from losing Fred and a part of him blamed her and her little gang of do-gooders for failing to help.

He was settled in a booth with his first beer when she slid into the seat opposite.

“Slayer,” he said, pushing a second bottle over to her.

Her eyes narrowed slightly at the title. “Spike,” she said accepting the beer, “long time no see.”

“Last time I was burning into a pile of dust,” Spike said.

“How’s that working out for you?” Buffy asked and Spike’s lips twitched.

“You know me, harder to get rid of than a cockroach,” he said, “to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Could be the casual mention by Andrew that the guy I thought was a pile of dust had popped over to Rome with this other guy he was supposed to hate,” she said, “could be my surprise that he hadn’t gotten around to telling me he was back.”

“Hey Buffy, I’m back,” Spike quipped.

“Could be the last time I saw him I told him I loved him and he didn’t believe me and now I find him working for the bad guys,” she continued, ignoring his words. “What are you doing here Spike?”

“Could ask the same of you,” he replied, “and I’m not working for the bad guys, I’m working for Angel but don’t tell him I said that. Last time I looked Angel was one of the white hats.”

“White hats don’t run evil law firms and make deals with demons,” Buffy replied hotly.

“Do they rob banks?” Spike retaliated. “Yeah we do keep up around here. It’s amazing what you can justify when you’re the one doing it.” He smiled as Buffy was shocked into silence even if he knew it wouldn’t last.

“What we’re doing isn’t hurting anyone and is for the greater good,” she finally said.

“Right…” Spike rolled his eyes. “White collar crime for white hats. Nobody gets hurt but the people who lose their jobs for failing to protect the bank and the people whose fees are increased to cover the losses.”

“It’s not the same,” Buffy said.

“Just a little stain on the soul then? And the little stains from girls like Dana? All those girls made slayers without any support without anyone to explain what had happened, the people they hurt and killed in their fear. Whose soul carries those stains? She remembered everything, all the things I did all the dirty little things we did.” Spike turned his head so Buffy wouldn’t see the shame in his eyes and so he didn’t have to see how white she had gone. It felt good to finally say some things but he never wanted to hurt her. “What about Fred, are you going to blame us for her death like Giles did, was refusing to help was for the greater good too? Think your white hat is getting a little grey slayer.”

“I’m sorry about your friend,” Buffy said sincerely, “I was angry when Andrew told me what happened.”

“Yeah well nothing helped in the end. She was hollowed out to be the vessel of a god, you remember how that goes?” Spike finished his beer and signalled the waitress for another. “You want another?” he signalled for two without waiting for her answer.

They stayed silent waiting for the beer. The waitress brought them over with a swing of her hips.

“Here you go champ,” she said smiling at Spike, “you watch out for this one,” she said to Buffy. “Actually he’s a keeper,” she said in a loud whisper as she passed a beer over, “so you grab him and keep hold or I will.”

“You say that now,” Spike said to her, “’s’not what you said last week when I asked you out.”

“Last week you were covered in demon goo and dripping all over my bar.” She laughed and headed back to the bar her tail swishing behind her.

“This is a demon bar?” Buffy said in surprise.

“Human friendly,” Spike said, “use those bloody gifts of your’s slayer and look around.”

Dragging her attention from Spike Buffy realised a good half of the clientele were demon. Most would pass for human but some were all too obvious.

“She didn’t mind you killing a customer?” Buffy said.

“She didn’t mind me stopping a brawl,” Spike said, “This is my local and I don’t appreciate my drinking time being interrupted.” He took a swig of his beer. “What do you want Buffy? If it’s just to catch up on old times then I’ve got to get up early in the morning so maybe another time.”

“I wanted to know why you didn’t tell me you were alive… you know what I mean,” she added when he opened his mouth to comment. “I thought I meant something to you.”

“And I always pretended I meant something to you,” Spike replied irritably, “it’s not always about you Buffy. They needed me here, I’m doing something useful.”

“You did mean something to me… do mean,” Buffy said, “you could be useful with us too. Wouldn’t that be better than Evil Inc.?”

“What use would I be Buffy?” Spike retorted. “As a punching bag, a convenient babysitter, a walking dildo, a boyfriend?” Spike was trying to keep his voice level but he could see that Buffy still didn’t get it despite her blush at his words.

“You were more than that,” she said, “you were my backup, you were always there always defending me.”

“Why couldn’t you be that for me?” Spike said. “I know you tried to stop Robin from dusting me but I already had that under control. Anyway that was only because you needed every ally you could get. You only said you loved me when I was being burned up from the inside. Can you say it now Buffy, if I came back with you could you say it in front of your friends?” He smiled bitterly when she hesitated.

“It’s more complicated than that, you know it is,” she retaliated.

“Yeah it is,” Spike agreed, “but it’s simpler than that too. I would have done anything for you, been anything you wanted. I sure as hell tried anyway. Even before I got my soul I would have died for you over and again and you took full advantage of that.” Spike laughed hollowly. “You know what L.A is really good for? Crackpot therapists. Everyone’s got one; Wolfram & Hart have a team of them. Don’t believe much of their mumbo jumbo but they did help me realise one thing. What we had was abusive from beginning to end. The demon quite liked the idea really, Drusilla raised me to see abuse as love, but you were supposed to be better than that.”

“You can’t lay this all on me,” Buffy protested, “I didn’t force you to do those things.”

“Tell me you love me Spike. Remember those words? But I kept coming back like a good puppy for the little scraps you could give me. God I was messed up. I tried to be what you wanted me to be but whatever I was you wanted something else. You turned me into your cracked mirror and you hated what you saw.”

“That’s why it’s complicated,” Buffy said her face pale with shock again.

“You let Harris belittle me and nearly kill me because I gave Anya some comfort after he dumped her. I was actually part of the team while you were dead but you let them shut me out when you came back because you wanted them as your family and me back in the shadows to play with when you chose. Every scrap of affection you gave me you took back threefold, and never in front of your friends. I get that I was a soulless thing and you were hurting but it would have been nice to have been accepted.”

“You were, at the end you were the one I wanted to stand with me and I want you to stand with me again.”

“What about you little gang,” Spike added, “do they want me back? Of course not,” he answered his own question. “Harris would rather see me dust; old Rupert has made his feelings perfectly clear often enough and little Dawnie will never forgive me for what I nearly did to you. As well she shouldn’t because I can’t forgive myself either.”

“There’s nothing to forgive,” Buffy said firmly, “you’re right about the abusive nature of what we had but we could start again. As friends maybe?” She looked at him hopefully.

Spike shook his head. “Said it to you and Angel and the same stands for us. We could never be friends. The history, the blood between us won’t let it. I’ll always be a vampire but I’ll never be the vampire you fell in love with and I’m really tired of being second best.” Spike sat back. “It’s not perfect here but I have a place and value.”

“Does Angel value you?”

“Angel hates me, but it’s an honest hate. And the honest thing is that I don’t have to be here. There’s no chip constraining me, no promises made. I chose to be here Buffy because I can do some good here, even if it is just reminding Angel now and again that we are still the good guys.”

“So you do admit Angel’s over his head here,” Buffy said.

“He’s doing his best just like I am. Don’t you get it Buffy? You only ever wanted me for what I could do for you never just for me. Even now this is about advantages, having another trusted lieutenant at your back. Go back to your friends and your slayers Buffy; I’m having some me time.”

“Spike…” Buffy half stood and leaned toward him.

“No Buffy. This time I’m saying no. When you got here you didn’t ask how I was, you didn’t try to hug me or kiss me. It wasn’t a tearful reunion so let’s not try and pretend. You’ve got your wars and we’ve got ours. Good luck and goodbye. I’d say give my best to everyone but I doubt they even know you’ve come here so just try and stay alive.” Spike finished his beer and stood up.

“Spike, I’m sorry,” Buffy said standing with him.

“So am I slayer. I missed you, I will always miss you but I’m moving on.”

Spike walked out before she could say anything else. He knew if she asked him again he would probably say yes because he knew she would always be his weakness, but he had work to do and a place to belong for a little while.

END