Forgiveness
 
Author: Lilithangel
 
Email: abchainey@xtra.co.nz
 
Website: www.livejournal.com/users/lilithbint
 
Fandom: AtS/BtVS

Pairing: Spike/Angel

Genre: Slash

Rating: NC-17

Summary: For liliaeth at feedmykink who wanted newly ensouled Spike overcome by guilt and insanity going to Angel instead of Buffy after voluntarily regaining his soul in Grave. Angel is already pulled out of the ocean by Wesley and is just about to send Connor out of the door as Spike arrives.  Angel takes Spike in so he can find out what happened.  Spike's guilt pushes him to force Angel into punishing him for his sins while Connor watches.
 
* * * * *
 
"What you did to me was unbelievable Connor. But then, I got stuck in a hell dimension by my girlfriend once for 100 years, so a few months under the ocean, it actually gave me perspective. Kind of an M.C. Escher perspective, but I did get time to think, about us, about the world. Nothing in the world is the way it ought to be. It's harsh and cruel. That's why there's us. Champions. It doesn't matter where we come from, what we've done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be. You're not a part of that yet. I hope you will be. I love you, Connor. Now..."
 
Angel's speech was interrupted by the thump of the door being pushed open.  A bundle of flesh and bones fell to the floor in front of them.
 
"Spike, just what I need," Angel said wearily.
 
Gunn pushed Fred behind him as Wesley moved closer to investigate.  He rolled the body over to reveal Spike's battered body.  Angel's grip on Connor tightened when the boy recognised Spike as a vampire.
 
"Spike," Wesley drew back from the body in surprise, "somehow I expected something more daunting from William the Bloody."
 
Once revealed it was obvious that Spike was badly undernourished to the point that his skin was hanging off his bones.  His body was a mass of old and new wounds.  He was mumbling something but it was too garbled for anyone to understand.
 
Frowning Angel felt the first twinges of worry about how Spike could have got into such a condition.  He was aware of the government chip stopping Spike from hurting humans but as far as he had known the group in Sunnydale had taken the blond in.
 
"Buffy," fear dampened Angel's exhaustion and he dropped to his knees next to the body, "has something happened to Buffy?"
 
Spike seemed to curl further into himself at Angel's question and shook his head weakly, "hurt the girl shouldn't have hurt the girl," he said. 
 
Angel gripped Spike's arm hard.  "What girl, did you hurt Buffy?" he demanded.
 
"Didn't mean to, loved her, thought she loved me.  Touching is love, never meant no before.  Bad... William was bad."  Spike began scratching at his chest where the welts and bleeding skin indicated he had done so many times before.  "Tried to make it right, but it hurts so much.  Have to hurt more can't make it right, don't deserve to have it end."
 
Angel pinned Spike's hands and stood up pulling the weakened blond with him.  He dragged Spike across the floor ignoring the protests of the humans and picked up the phone.
 
Connor watched as the demon that was supposed to be his father changed again as he talked on the phone.  He had seen Angel play the loving father, noble hero, concerned friend and crazed vampire.  Now he watched as Angel shrunk and softened despite the death grip he kept on the one they called Spike.
 
Connor knew Spike was a vampire but he had never seen one so tortured or weakened before.  The destroyer in him revelled in the demon's weakness pleased to see evil brought down.  Another part of him felt something different something he didn't understand.  This creature seemed so remorseful about hurting someone, it didn't make sense but it felt like guilt.
 
"Buffy," Angel's voice radiated relief.  Spike cringed at the name but stayed passive in Angel's grip.  "You're alright?  Spike turned up on my doorstep in a bad state and I was worried that something had happened to you.  What's wrong?  No he hasn't told me anything really just something about hurting a girl and I was worried about you.  Okay, how long?  No... I don't know... okay."  Angel hung up the phone looking more confused.
 
"What are you going to do with it?" Gunn said.
 
"Huh?" Angel looked down at Spike, "my priority is finding Cordy, but Spike is family." Angel looked up at Connor, "and you shouldn't turn your back on family any more than you should let them get away with crap.  He's staying at least until I find out what the hell is going on.  I'm sorry if you have a problem with that." 
 
Angel staggered and collapsed against the counter.  "Lock Spike in the cage downstairs, he can't harm anyone."
 
"Angel you need to rest." Fred stepped out from behind Gunn and went over to offer Angel her arm.
 
Angel nodded in agreement, "I need Cordy, we all need her.  All I need right now is some more blood, I've been resting for long enough."
 
Nobody looked at Connor but the boy could feel the weight of their accusations especially in the eyes of Fred and he felt the unaccustomed guilt again.
 
Defiantly he picked up the pathetically light frame of the blond vampire and headed for the basement.  Gunn and Fred exchanged quick glances and Gunn went with Connor.
 
When they reached the cage Connor looked at Gunn, "he's just a vampire why don't you just finish him?"
 
"Angel wants him around, I think it's a dangerous move but Angel has the right to decide," Gunn said firmly, "If this Spike is family then its Angel's decision." 
 
The words said more than that to Connor, just as Gunn intended them to and the boy nodded.  He dropped the body into the cage and Gunn locked the door.  Connor took one last look at the strange vampire confusing feelings roaming his mind.
 
Back upstairs Angel was drinking all the blood Fred could warm for him and outlining what he wanted everyone to do to find Cordy.
 
"She can't have just disappeared off the face of the planet.  Wes," Angel looked at his saviour for the first time since Wesley had pulled him from the ocean and fed him, "will you use your contacts to find out if Wolfram & Hart had anything to do with it?"
 
Wesley looked at Angel in surprise but nodded.
 
"Vampire, remember?" Angel said, "You stink of her."
 
Wesley blushed and did not bother to deny it.  Gunn returned to the lobby alone and Angel looked at him questioningly.
 
"Boy shot off out the back," Gunn said with satisfaction, "but the vamp is all tucked up tight."
 
"I need for the three of you to keep looking for Cordy," Angel said, "she is our seer and our friend we need her back.  I am going to talk with Spike and I don't think it is a good idea for you guys to be here for that."
 
"Why not?" Fred asked.
 
Angel sighed, "Spike is a vampire, the questioning may not be pleasant.  You don't need to see it.  Besides I need you out there looking for Cordy."
 
The others reluctantly agreed to stay away from the hotel until Angel contacted them.  He promised he would not take long and that things would return to normal.  At that moment he didn't know or care if he was lying or not he said what he had to, to get everyone out of the hotel.  When he had been imprisoned under the water he would have exchanged almost anything for human contact but now their company pressed on his soul.
 
Heading for the kitchen Angel went to warm up more blood.  The state Spike was in he would need food before Angel could get the truth out of the annoying blond.
 
Connor had doubled back and returned to the basement via the sewers.  He knew the others would not leave him alone with the strange vampire but he really wanted to find out more.
 
The vampire had recovered enough to pull himself into a crouched position and was rocking gently from side to side.  He looked up when Connor entered but did not move.
 
"I should dust you," Connor said to the blue eyes that stared at him, "you're evil."
 
The vampire nodded in agreement, "am evil, don't deserve to be here but shouldn't be granted dust.  Dust is the end for Spike and William and that is not punishment.  Don't deserve the gift of silence not yet."
 
Connor tried to puzzle out what the vampire meant his antagonism put aside for the moment to try and understand.  "Why don't you deserve to be dust?"
 
"Hurt the girl, no meant no this time and William didn't understand.  Rules of the game were changed but nobody told William."
 
"Why should that matter to a soulless vampire?" Connor was intrigued.
 
"It mattered, should have had a rule book."  Spike began to rock more violently letting his head bang against the wall, "bad man," he muttered, "got her what she deserved but it hurts."
 
Connor was even more confused now but a noise from above made him slip back down into the sewers.
 
Angel came slowly down the stairs carrying a large thermos of blood.  He could feel that his physical strength was returning but wasn't sure about his mental strength.  He knew he would need all his wits about him to deal with Spike even a badly injured Spike had animal cunning and understanding of motive that Angel would not be able to hide from him.
 
Angel stood at the door to the cage and stared in.  This was not the Spike he remembered coming to L.A and torturing him or even the Spike that had been trapped in a wheelchair while Angelus rampaged.  This broken creature resembled Dru more than Spike.  Angel knew something dramatic had happened but he was more worried about what Spike had meant about hurting the girl.  Buffy hadn't told him anything except that Spike had disappeared months earlier.  Something in her voice told Angel that more had gone on than she was telling and he intended to get Spike to fill in the blanks.
 
Spike looked up when Angel entered the cage but did not take the offered thermos even though Angel knew he could smell the blood and was starving.
 
"You are going to drink it and then you are going to tell me exactly what happened," Angel said firmly pushing the flask into Spike's unresisting hands.
 
Spike took a mouthful and shuddered.  He looked up with eyes so haunted that Angel barely recognised him as the bad ass vampire from their last meeting.
 
"I owe you a round of torture," Angel said conversationally like he was talking about getting drinks in.  Spike's eyes lit up strangely at the suggestion.  "I'm not going to do anything until you have some strength back you look like you haven't fed in weeks."
 
Spike nodded and took another sip controlling the shudder this time.  Angel sat down on the cot resting his arms on his knees as Spike took a few more sips and then put down the flask.
 
"Told me I couldn't love," Spike began randomly, "thought I could thought I did love her.  Thought she loved me too but you can't love in darkness can you?"
 
"What did you do to her?" Angel said coldly.
 
"Loved her," Spike repeated, "we danced I thought it meant she loved me.  Tried to make her love me."
 
Angel had a terrible feeling he knew where this was going, "did you rape her?"
 
Spike looked at Angel almost slyly, "what difference would my answer make?  Will you make me hurt?"
 
"I will make everything stop hurting if you don't tell me."
 
"They chipped me, couldn't hunt couldn't feed.  Sat in chains while they mocked me and let me starve.  Could hurt demons made it better for a while.  Then I could hurt her and it was good to be her equal again, but I wasn't cause I didn't have the spark.  Made her feel for a bit but then she just felt disgust.  I tried to make her love me, she said no before but always changed her mind.  She stopped me but I hurt her.  I left wanted to be what she deserved," Spike's hands had returned to his chest raking fresh lines of blood into the torn flesh.  "Voices tell me I am bad and evil, didn't understand before."
 
Angel grabbed Spike's hands and pinned them to the wall above his head.  Dragging Spike to a standing position Angel stared into his eyes.  "Why did you come here Spike?"
 
Spike tilted his head to one side and for a brief moment there was clarity in the blue eyes.  "Need to be punished, need to cleanse the spark of the badness inside."
 
Angel dropped Spike to the floor and backed away in shock.  "You have a soul?"
 
"Fought for it," Spike looked up at Angel, "got what I deserved but it wasn't enough.  Their voices their faces are with me all the time.  I didn't even think I remembered them but they are there.  You are my sire only you or her has the right."
 
Angel's face closed in at Spike's words, "you're asking me to torture you?"
 
"Said you owed me one."
 
Angel backed out of the cage and locked the door.  "I'll be back to continue this."  He needed to talk to Buffy again and get his head around what Spike had told him.
 
Spike chuckled to himself and climbed up onto the cot knocking the flask of blood over as he did.  He looked down at the spreading pool of blood blank faced. 
 
One hand reached out and trailed through the blood.  "Who'd have thought they'd so much blood in them.  Out damn spot out I say!"  He slapped his hand into the blood splattering it everywhere.  He raised his hand to his face, "will these hands ne'er be clean?"
 
Connor moved quietly back into the room to watch, he didn't understand what the vampire was saying but madness was something he was familiar with.  He was curious, this Spike had a soul like Angel, had fought for it apparently.  Connor wasn't sure what a soul was anymore.  His father had taught him that all demons were evil but since returning to earth Connor had learnt that it was hard to tell what a demon was.  Human faces concealed evil as easily as demon ones.  Did he have a soul and how would he even know.  Did it even make a difference?
 
Spike stopped his contemplation of his hand when Connor drew close.  Absently he licked his fingers clean as he watched the play of emotions cross the boy's face.  Once clean Spike's fingers returned to their task of digging out his spark.
 
Connor watched with disgust as the vampire licked the blood off its fingers and then with confusion as it then started to tear at its own skin.  He watched as Spike lost interest in him and started rocking back and forth again.  He was startled when Spike started talking until he realised it wasn't to him.  It was muttered ramblings to people who weren't there.
 
"Should be sorry I know, am sorry.  Am sorry promise.  No shouldn't have done it, too late now.  Bad man, William is a bad man."
 
Connor watched and listened to the ramblings.  As far as he could tell getting a soul was not a pleasant thing and Spike was regretting the choice.
 
"Had to do it.  Have to be punished, be hurt like she was.  Dreams of blood are bad things."
 
Connor slipped back into the sewers when Angel returned.
 
Angel was still reeling from what Buffy had told him.  They had argued about her choices and then argued about Angel wanting to stake Spike.  Familiar words were exchanged about their own relationship and tears were shed.  Angel hung up with lingering anger at Spike, slightly more at Buffy but a better understanding of what had happened.
 
Spike had always loved hard and he couldn't really accuse the boy of loving a slayer when he had done so himself.  Spike's was a vampire love not a human love and Angel was not surprising that it had come to such a conclusion.
 
Now it appeared the Spike had gotten a soul for her.  It was the sort of stupid and dramatic thing Spike would do.  As much as Angel disliked Spike at times he could still remember how it had been when he first got his own soul back.
 
"I spoke to Buffy," Angel said when he reached the cage.  Spike looked up hopefully at Angel.  "I don't like what you tried to do one bit, but she seems to have forgiven you."
 
"No!" Spike leapt to his feet and crashed into the bars, "there is no forgiveness.  Don't deserve to be forgiven.  It hurts too much," he sank to his knees in front of Angel, "please make it stop hurting."
 
"You want to be punished?"
 
"Bad men need to be punished."
 
Angel understood the grief that Spike was feeling and while a part of him gloried in the sight of the cocky blond in such a state another part understood all too well.  Also he had one strange memory from his ocean jaunt of Spike looking at him through the glass and his own regret at what Angelus had done to Spike.
 
"Very well, you want me to punish you I will.  Just remember that you asked me to do it."  Angel went over to the box he had stored in the basement when they had first taken over the hotel.  It contained all the things that he never wanted his human friends to know he kept.  He knew Connor was close by but couldn't find it in himself to care.  His son already thought him a monster so what he was about to do wouldn't change anything.
 
Angel took out chains and whips.  Fingering the leather Angel admitted to himself that he wasn't really going to regret punishing Spike.  Firstly the blond could take what he dished out and secondly he really did have some payback coming.
 
Angel unlocked the cage and dragged Spike to his feet.  Looking down at Spike's tattered clothes he decided not to remove them first so he shackled Spike's arms together and bound them tight above the blond's head. 
 
Spike didn't say anything as Angel tied him to the cage bars eyes clear blue with madness.  Angel pulled out a knife and cut Spike's clothes from him leaving the remains of the shirt hanging from his wrists and his jeans pooled around his bare feet.  Angel wondered for the first time where Spike's boots had gone and how long the smaller vampire had been barefoot.  By the look of his feet and toes Spike had been walking a long time without his boots.
 
Angel let the knife cut lightly into Spike's skin as he removed the offending fabric.  Spike shivered slightly but did not speak and Angel knew it was going to be a long session.  As Angelus he had become a master of prolonged pain.  Even when hanging at Spike's mercy over the ring a part of Angel had been assessing Marcus' technique and found it wanting.
 
But this wasn't really about his pleasure this was about Spike's pain.  A pain Angel could too well understand.
 
Spike didn't cry out after the first strike of the whip or the fifth.  His usually expressive face was blank with grief.  Angel had deliberately stayed away from the bloody mess that was Spike's chest concentrating on his stomach and legs. 
 
When he struck across Spike's flaccid cock he got the first reaction.  Just a small gasp and a single tear slipped down one perfect cheekbone.  Many times Angel had wanted to destroy that perfection when Spike was being his most obnoxious, but now it was all he could do to not reach out and brush away the tear that marred it. The cock stirred slightly as the blood welled up but did not harden. 
 
Concentrating on the groin area Angel soon added to the tear tracks but couldn't drag another sound out of Spike.
 
"This just won't do," Angel said as he took a break from trying to remove Spike's skin, "I don't think you are feeling this punishment properly."  Angelus had always liked to talk during punishment, it added a dimension of humiliation and pain to events.
 
"Do you enjoy the pain is that it?  You don't think pain equals love do you?  I want you to talk to me Spike tell me how you're feeling what you're thinking," Angel said, "I won't start the punishment again until you talk to me."  The smell of blood was starting to get to Angel and he needed to get himself under control.
 
Connor still couldn't understand what was going on between the two vampires.  He had thought it was about lessons and he could recognise that from what his father... Holtz... had done to teach him.  But Angel didn't seem to be getting the same sort of pleasure out of it.  Once or twice Connor thought Angel was enjoying it but the few times he caught Angel's expression it wasn't one of happiness.  It was confused and hurt even angry but Connor couldn't tell who the anger was directed at.
 
When Spike began speaking it didn't help Connor's confusion at first.
 
"Pain had to be love," Spike said his eyes pleading for Angel to continue the punishment, "pain was all they gave me.  She had to love me she had a soul so how could she do things with me if she didn't love me?  Knew she wanted it rough, she always wanted it rough.  Couldn't love me without the spark but I didn't know it would hurt so much."  Now that Spike had started speaking he wouldn't stop even when Angel started lashing across his groin again.
 
"They won't stop talking now, telling me I'm a bad man.  Didn't care everything dies but they won't leave me alone.  Make them leave me alone please Angel, please sire.  Hurt the girl only wanted to love her."
 
"How did you love her?" Angel sneered as he fought off the tears that Spike's words summoned.  "Did you force her to the ground did you push yourself between her legs?  Tell me."
 
"She was hurt wanted a bath I guess.  Grabbed her, she pushed me.  Pinned her to the ground told her she wanted it.  She said no but I didn't believe her."
 
Angel removed Spike's cuffs and dropped him to the floor.  He knelt over the shattered form and grabbed the still flaccid cock.  "Tell me no, tell me you don't want this," he said as he stroked the shaft to reluctant hardness.
 
"No I don't want this," Spike said obediently trying to twist out of Angel's grasp.
 
"Your cock says otherwise Spike," Angel squeezed the rapidly filling cock, "your cock tells me you want this."  He dragged the whip handle through the blood on Spike's belly and pushed the blond's legs apart with his knee.
 
Spike tried to struggle properly when he felt the whip handle press against his arse.
 
Angel pinned Spike in place easily with one hand and continued to push the handle past the first ring of tight muscles.  "I know you want it Spike so don't fight it."
 
Spike thrashed hard trying to dislodge Angel, "please stop, please I don't..."
 
"Would you rather it was my cock Spike?" Angel leant in close and then flipped Spike over onto his stomach.  Spike tried to crawl away but Angel dragged him back and for the first time Spike screamed.
 
Angel shuddered at the sound and Connor saw the first cracks appear in the impassive face.  Angel pulled the whip free and began to lash across Spike's back letting the tears fall freely now that Spike could not see him.
 
But Connor could and he felt the axis of his world shift again just as it did when he discovered who and what Angel was.  Souls meant very little to Connor, he had roamed the city seen what humans could do knew what he himself could do when pushed.  For Angel and possibly for Spike the soul was a tangible painful thing.  Possibly because of the evil things they had done and possibly because of the men inside them who had to face the remorse for their actions that so many never did.
 
"You want redemption Spike?  You won't find it here.  You and me Spike there is nothing but hell for us shiny souls or not.  It never stops hurting the voices never go away.  All you can do is try."  Connor watched as Angel tossed aside the whip and lifted Spike's body onto the cot.
 
"Wanted to be a proper man for her not the sort that would..." Spike's body was wracked with shudders, "wanted her to love me."
 
"That's not how it works," Angel said as he carefully cleaned up the worst of Spike's injuries, "love doesn't work that way, but you're stuck with it now and you will have to adapt."  Angel brushed Spike's hair away from his face gently.
 
Connor watched as the blond vampire wept silent tears and Angel stroked his hair murmuring comfort.  Spike slowly crawled up until he was curled up under Angel's arm.
 
"Make the voices go away for a little while please.  You were right the punishment didn't make them leave they seemed to enjoy it," Spike sounded almost sane despite his words.
 
Angel looked at Spike for a long moment and then leaned in to kiss Spike's forehead.  "It won't get rid of them forever.  The guilt never goes away."
 
"Just for a while let me pretend, let us both pretend," Spike said quietly, "then we can rest."  He kissed down the line of Angel's jaw.
 
Angel sighed and tension seemed to melt out of his shoulders.  "It can't mean anything more."
 
Spike nodded his understanding and let Angel lay him back down on the cot.  Angel touched their lips together lightly not sure if it was right but needing the contact as much as Spike did.
 
He grazed his lips gently over the wounds in Spike's chest pausing only to savour the taste of family on his tongue.
 
Spike moaned with pain and desire.  He tried to pull away once when Angel licked across his chest but a soft growl convinced him to settle.  Angel stripped out of his clothes without taking his mouth away from the too thin body.  One part of him was still aware of Connor watching just in case the boy decided to stake him so he could not miss the surge of arousal, but that was something he would think about at a much later date.
 
Now he needed to reaffirm his own soul and reconnect with Spike in a way that did not involve blood and pain.  He didn't want to enjoy hurting Spike and he had spent so long alone under the ocean that his body was desperate for touch of any sort.
 
Taking Spike's cock into his mouth Angel could feel the shudders starting again in the slim body but when he looked up he could see that this time it was not pain but pleasure that enveloped Spike.  The blood that slicked Spike's cock only added to Angel's enjoyment.  He hadn't really expected to enjoy it but he wanted to remove all traces of blood from Spike's body.
 
Spike pushed Angel off his cock and pulled the dark vampire up to kiss him and swap positions.  He knelt above Angel and looked for permission.
 
"I don't want to hurt you," Angel said to his unspoken question.
 
"Already did that," Spike chuckled softly.  He closed his eyes and pushed down on Angel's cock until it was embedded completely inside him.  His body shook at the painful intrusion but the only sound was harsh panting from both of them.
 
Angel had to fight not to thrust up as Spike sank down.  It was tight and hot and Angel's demon was roaring with pleasure.
 
Spike began to move before his body was ready but soon his muscles relaxed and the head of Angel's cock brushed across a soft nub of pleasure inside that had his legs shaking from more than pain.
 
Angel's hands grasped at air before settling on Spike's hips his soft moans adding to the symphony of Spike's gasps.  It had been too long for either vampire to last and when Spike fell into orgasm his muscles clamped down around Angel's cock milking the cum out.
 
Spike collapsed onto Angel's chest panting with effort.  He would have rolled off but Angel's arms tightened around him and held him there.
 
Connor did not want to deal with his physical reaction to watching his father and another male have sex.  His mind is whirling with thoughts about his own life and relationships.  Hearing the regret in Angel's voice made Connor understand that just maybe they could start again and build the relationship he had pretended to want before trapping Angel.
 
Did Holtz regret leaving Stephen to find him bleeding to death, letting him think that Angel had done it?  Did he regret taking Stephen to a demon dimension and making him grow up too fast and too hard?  Connor had watched families in the park with kids playing at being kids at an age when he had been learning to fight to the death for a destiny that wasn't even real.  Connor had dreamed of Holtz taking him to a playground only now the face he saw was Angel's.
 
He watched as Angel stroked Spike's hair until the tormented vampire fell asleep and then watched as Angel carefully cleaned them both up.  He watched and hoped without being really sure what he hoped for and without even being aware of the tears streaming down his face.
 
END
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