Counts of Blood

Author: Lucinda

Rated T for teen due to insanity, violence and possible swearing.

Main characters: the Count, the Master. Presence of assorted minions and mention of other muppets.

Disclaimer: the Count and any other muppets mentioned belong to Henson Puppetry. The Master belongs to Joss Whedon & his writers. The minions are mine.

Distribution – if you want it, let me know.

Notes: Post Muppet Show, pre BtVS s1.

As they walked down the hallway, Thudge stopped, tilting his furry head and making a soft noise that wasn’t quite a squeak or a yip. Thudge then dropped the now far more bony Fyarl arm and scuttled to the wall next to a ventilation grille.

“I don’t suppose someone could open the grille up? It’s a lot easier from the outside than the inside,” the voice of Kermit the frog emerged from the ventilation grille. “It’s good to see you again too, Thudge.”

Danny and Joe moved to open the grille, both hoping that Kermit could provide a hint of sanity. Even if he couldn’t curb the Count’s plans, he could hopefully keep them from becoming collateral damage as a result. “Good to see you again Kermit. Are you injured?”

“A few bruises, a little temporary disorientation. I’m really alright for now,” the frog reassured them.

“Vhy did this sorcerer order his minions to bring you here?” the Count demanded.

As Joe and Danny finished opening the grille, Kermit popped out, landing hands first before bouncing into a flip that allowed him to land on his feet. “I slipped out of my cell and started trying to figure a good way out without being recaptured. While I was trying to find the way out, I overheard one guy talking to some minions, ordering them to finish setting up the ritual in the basement, and he wanted me as a sacrifice. As I didn’t think that would be enjoyable or healthy, I’ve been staying out of sight.”

“I wouldn’t want to be sacrificed,” Danny muttered with a shudder.

“That vould only benefit a human sorcerer, and depending on the ritual it could have detrimental side effects,” the Count murmured. “A ritual inwolwing the sacrifice of a frog… I don’t suppose that you saw the sorcerer?”

“No. He sounded like he was put together the human way, but that leaves human, vampires, certain types of demi-humans… He was out of the area that I could see through the grille. He had a pair of those tall, thin chattery minions with all the teeth, like the ones that grabbed me,” Kermit sighed. “There were some very sturdy cells in the dungeon, solid construction, well ventilated, steel bars… but they were obviously intended to hold people a bit bigger than me.”

“How can you tell?” Danny asked.

“I squeezed out between the bars. But they were close enough together that you wouldn’t have been able to do it,” Kermit admitted.

“Hmmmm. Kermit, vhy don’t you take some of the minions and empty the magical supply room that ve found. The things are too useful to simply destroy,” the Count’s words sounded calm, but his fingers were twitching, and sending tiny purple sparks towards the floor, even as his eyes seemed to glow the color of hot coals.

Kermit looked thoughtful for a few moments before sighing, “Sure, why not? Danny, Joe, do you want to help me haul magical things to… I assume you had cars or vans? Or would you rather stay with the Count, find the sorcerer and his remaining minions and help kill them?”

“I’ll help you haul the magical stuff, if you can unlock the room. He,” Danny pointed his thumb at the Count, “did some sort of magic that sealed the room.”

“I know how to open some of his locks,” Kermit replied.

“I’ll stay and help kill things,” Joe answered.

Kermit nodded, and walked towards the ventilation shaft, which was echoing with chattering, scrabbling claws, and the occasional laughter. Kermit hopped up, tapping the metallic side and calling, “Can I get a few hands on set?”

Five of the smaller muppety minions swarmed out, ecstatic to see Kermit, overlapping questions asking if he was okay, what they needed to move, and if there were any more bodies yet.

Kermit smiled at them, insisting “I’m mostly fine, there aren’t any bodies here, but there were some things that the Count wanted to keep, and I could use a bit of help taking them to the vehicles. I’m sure that Danny would be willing to lead us back to where the Count left those things.”

Danny nodded, “Of course, it’s just this way.”

“Do remember to kill anyvun who is so foolish as to attack Kermit on the vay out,” the Count added.

It wasn’t long before Danny, Kermit and the small muppet minions stood in front of the door that the Count had magically locked. Danny fidgeted a little, looking at the faint shimmer that covered the door, “Are you sure that you can open it? Considering what I’ve seen of him, I don’t want to find out what will happen if the lock bites.”

Kermit nodded, murmuring, “Today is a Thursday, half moon, yes… I believe that puts him at the fifth in his cycle. If that’s not it then it would be the first on account of the medication being disrupted…”

After clearing his throat, Kermit stretched out his hand, not quite touching the shimmer and made a noise that couldn’t possibly be part of any human language. It did seem very easy for the frog to make, starting with a deep thrumming and ending with something like a chirp. The shimmering that stretched over the door seemed to pop like a soap bubble, vanishing with the same feeling as when changed in air pressure caused your ears to pop.

“The spell’s gone, and,” Kermit reached out, turning the handle to open the door, “Door’s open, I guess that means it’s time to start moving the goodies.”

The small muppets began to carry out the books one or two at a time, with Kermit wrapping the obsidian knives in a heavy canvas and picking them up and gesturing for Danny to lift the copper cauldron. Working like that, it was a simple matter to gather almost everything and head towards the van. A small reddish purple muppet moved quickly enough that he’d already deposited a pair of grimores and went back to get the mirror. By the time Kermit had finished arranging everything between the pair of vans, the muppets reported that the storeroom was empty, having returned with several bundles of herbs, some jars of powders in assorted colors, some crystals which they’d haphazardly wrapped in scraps of fabric, some of which appeared to be damp, and a small bronze sickle.

“I think we should just wait here for the rest of them to come back,” Kermit suggested.

That was when a piercing shriek echoed from the cannery.

Danny swallowed hard before whispering, “Here’s good.”

…………………………………

The Count watched Kermit, Danny, and some of the smaller minion muppets head towards the supply room. It was good that Kermit would be clear of the area before things got very messy, there were some things that the former reporter did not need to see. A tiny part of him also felt… concerned, yes, that was a good word for it, concerned that Kermit would not approve of what was soon to happen.

In some ways, Kermit was the product of a gentler age than the Count. Sometimes he understood the harsher realities quite well, but it was sometimes difficult to predict what might offend Kermit’s sensibilities. Best to just conceal the messier things from the frog and tell him a few things. Not that Kermit couldn’t guess, he was a very smart frog, but there was a difference between guessing about an activity and seeing it in full color, with the scents of the blood, the shattered bone, and the ruptured organs.

A door to what might have once been an office opened, permitting one of the lamprey-like demons to emerge and charge at the Count and Alex with a hiss. The Count twisted to the side, permitting the demon to pass him in an effort to attach to Alex’s face, though he had no intention of permitting such a thing to occur to his friend’s minion.

Alex dodged to the right, permitting the lamprey demon to smack into the wall, and launched a punch at the demon’s head.

The Count spared a half smile at Alex’s action, figuring that this would teach the minion that the head was not always a good place to aim – it was bony enough hat striking there could be painful. Sometimes the resulting disorientation was enough to make the pain to one’s hand worthwhile, sometimes it wasn’t. As Alex swore and shook his fingers, the Count lunged forward and slashed across the lamprey demon’s spine, severing the spine in the lumbar region, with two full slices and another partial severance. The demon let out a high wail and collapsed, the messages from the brain no longer reaching the legs, and the pain of the slashes and paralysis kicking in immediately. The Count knelt beside it, deciding to give Alex a little helpful advice, since there seemed to be plenty of this type of demon in Sunndyale.

“The head is not a good place to strike these, Alex. The skull is rather thick and bony, the brain vell protected from trauma. It is better to go for the eyes, or the spine,” He gestured at the rolling dark eyes of the demon, “Though the eyes are a bit small in proportion, and the sockets haff strong ridges.”

“Sometimes you can also disable them by striking at the genitals, though that is less effective on the females, and they sometimes consider that… foreplay,” the Count gave a small shudder at those memories. “It is best to strike the spine from behind. It prewents unvelcome misunderstandings of vun's motiwation.”

End part 19.