Counts of Blood

Author: Lucinda

Rated T for teen due to insanity, violence and possible swearing.

Main characters: the Count, the Master. Presence of assorted minions and mention of other muppets.

Disclaimer: the Count and any other muppets mentioned belong to Henson Puppetry. The Master belongs to Joss Whedon & his writers. The minions are mine.

Distribution – if you want it, let me know.

Notes: Post Muppet Show, pre BtVS s1.

The Count flipped the lamprey demon over, catching one flailing clawed arm absently. “Pin the other arm, I vill show you some of the veak points of the body for these demons. Do keep in mind that they haff a layer of protective scales ower most of their body.”

“Okay,” Joe caught the other arm, placing one knee on the wrist. “Umm… is this one male or female?”

“You are a wampire, look and see,” the Count glared at Joe. “You are a minion, you do not need to be a fool as vell.”

“Right…” Joe glanced towards the demon’s hips, and then back at the Count. “Male.”

The Count nodded, “Yes. As I haff already told you, the eyes are a wulnerable point. Note the shape of the ridge around the socket. The throat is thick vith strong muscles, the only place that vill easily part is right behind the corners of the jaw, and that leawes you wulnerable to being bitten… shameful for a wampire.”

“Unless you’re talking about something as big as that orange demon with the three eyes in the cemetery,” Joe shuddered, “Which would be painful.”

The Count pulled the scalpel back out and the lamprey demon began to struggle harder, attempting to throw them off and making a high keening noise that made the bump beneath the ears ache on both vampires.

The Count growled and opened the demon from throat almost to the hips, and reaching in to pry apart the ribs, which were joined by cartilage and completely lacking in anything like the human sternum.

Instead of a heart, there was a pulsing mass in the middle, not deep enough or ropey enough to be the spine or smooth enough to be bones, but deep red and pulsing very quickly. It looked like a bulge in a hose more than anything else.

“You see, they do not haff a heart. It makes them harder to track by sound, wery useful vith the undersea predators,” the Count reached inside, his hands sliding around the thickened area before he pulled upwards, causing the blood to spray. “Their skeletons are a tough form of cartilage, and do not last as long as bone, as vell as being resistant to breakage, though they are easier to cut. The scales are slightly veaker at the inner bends of joints, the insides of elbows, the backs of knees.”

“Good to know, we do end up with a lot of them around Sunnydale,” Joe watched as the writhing faded to feeble twitches and even those stopped. The pulsing of the blood tube stopped, as did the spraying of blood. The lamprey demon was dead.

“Then you should haff no difficulty killing the next vun,” the Count smiled at him.

Joe made a sound that could pass for agreement.

Leaving the dead lamprey demon opened up and sprawled in a spreading pool of its own blood, the pair of vampires continued down the hall.

“Vun night, you may decide that you no longer vish to be a minion, that you vant to set out on your own. To be feared for your own name and reputation, instead of the vun that you serve. Vhen that night comes, you must be capable of handling the opposition effectiwely, so that they do not destroy you,” the Count was explaining as they walked.

“I don’t exactly inspire fear, except in mortals,” Joe muttered, his thumb smearing at a bit of the demon blood that had sprayed over his fingers.

“Vhen I vas your age, I did not inspire fear either. Not in wampires, not in demons, and not particularly in mortals. You vill need to rise aboff an unthreatening appearance! Be precise in the use of your abilities, be wicious and thorough against your foes, and do not let any loose ends come back to choke you,” the Count waggled a purple finger. “Also remember that vhat you know can be most useful. This is vhy I made an effort to learn sorcery and anatomy. The first is most useful, the second terrifies those who might stand against me.”

“Like Paul’s feet?”

“Yes, yes, like Paul’s feet. Vhile I am certain that none of you who follow my good friend vould move to attack me, since the vord of vhat I did to Paul has spread through the town, there are far fewer here that vould dare attack me. It giwes the additional benefit of letting you accomplish more vith each strike if you know exactly vhere to do the most damage,” the Count’s sideways glance suggested that perhaps he hadn’t been quite certain about his friend’s minions before, but he could rest assured now. The spatters of drying blood that had caught the side of his face and the edge of the monocle suggested that he was quite eager to stay in practice with all sorts of anatomy lessons… or at least, the ones that involved blood, violence, and dismemberment.

“Does it help with the demons as well as the vampires?” Joe spoke in a low voice.

“Many species of demons, yes. Not all of them,” the Count paused, and shook his head, “It does not deter wacuum salesmen, but they do make excellent practice. So do those determined indiwiduals speaking of finding God and if I know of the fate of my eternal soul.”

“You chain up and dismember Jehovah’s Witnesses?” Joe blinked, and then grinned, “That’s about the best reason for an above ground lair that I’ve heard in a long time! It sounds like fun.”

“There are not so many of them as the wacuum salesmen,” the Count shook his head and sighed, “I do try not to kill the leetle girls selling the cookies. They are on the small side, and another associate of mine does so enjoy the cookies.”

Another scream sounded from below, accompanied by the thick popping of cartilage dislocating but still surrounded by flesh and blood.

“Ah, the dungeons are not empty! That is the second scream from below.”

“So, is it better to kill them all, or to let a few escape to spread stories of how horrible you are to the surrounding countryside,” Joe asked.

“That is not so simple to answer, young wampire. If they know that you let them escape, they are not so frightened as vhen they think it vas great luck and skill on their part. But if you do kill them all, vhile wery satisfying, it makes the spread of your new reputation a bit slower,” for a moment, the Count was silent, and then he glanced at Joe before adding, “Alvays remember not to make empty threats. You should alvays be villing to follow through vhen you make a threat. That said, there are some things that do not vork vell from a practical standpoint.”

“Such as?”

“Strangling a wampire. Painful, but not fatal, though it may make you feel better. The lamprey demons or Maerrocholiths do not drown. Entishadros regenerate if you rip off their limbs, so vhile it hurts, it does not bring them closer to death. Entrails make poor bindings, vhen fresh they are too elastic, and vhen dried they are too brittle and snap easily,” the Count sighed, and muttered, “There are also certain indiwiduals that enjoy being fired from cannons. Or hit. Or locked into a room full of chickens. Best to remember that sometimes pain and suffering must be tailored to the person you seek to torture.”

“Cannons? Chickens?” Joe shook his head, his voice rising as he squeaked, “You’ve tied people up with entrails?”

“It vorked poorly. Using their own, vhile confining, tends to lead to early death. Using those of somevun they care about often leads to troubles of the mind, or a shut down. Those of a stranger… too easy for them to escape, and then you must chase them down again,” He shook his head, before adding “Unless that is your intention from the beginning, it is best to use traditional ropes.”

The small noise that emerged from Joe couldn’t be considered a word in most languages.

At the end of the hall was a set of the swinging double doors, with the scent of salt and herbs slipping beneath the doors. From inside, a voice demanded, “Fetch me the frog!”

The doors swung out into the hall, revealing a Maerrocholith and another of the lamprey like demons.

“You should be able to take this vun, Joe. Note the narrower jaw and the bonier eye sockets? This vun is a female, do be careful. I vill dispatch the Maerrocholith, and then there vill be the sorceror vithin the doors…”

“Female?” Joe twitched, before muttering “Don’t hit the genitals… don’t hit the genitals…”

End part 20.