distance and time on the level: non-myth of the eternal unreturn
 
re: AtS 1.08 I Will Remember You, written by David Greenwalt & Jeannine Renshaw, and directed David Grossman
 
[exegesis. not a general study, though, but focussed specifically on Angel. all quotes from vrya's Buffy Dialogue dataBase. tell me if you have any trouble reading this format, okay?]
 

He's winding the clock with a key. It's morning, nearly nine. He has plenty of time. He's not getting any older. It's on his desk. The desk is not level, not on the level. He rolls a pencil across it. He goes for a stake, to level the ground.
 
What does Angel feel, what does he ever feel? Doyle tries to tell her he's fine. But Cordy gets a whole scenario going.  When the stake comes out, Cordy bursts in, worried about his state of mind. She thinks he's in pain, after going to see Buffy in Sunnydale. But in fact he's leveling the desk. He's in control. He's just amused by the intervention. Doyle was right. "Look, Buffy will always be a part of me, and that's never going to change. But she's human and I'm - not. And that's also never going to change. Look, we said our good-byes, no need to stir any of this up again." Angel is comfortable, both alone and with Doyle and Cordy.
 
Then Buffy arrives. Wearing black. Now he's notably uncomfortable. She has Issues, and feelings, about his visit to Sunnydale. About his tendency to make decisions for them both without consulting her.
 
B: You can see me, but I can't see you? What are we playing here?
A: We're not. I'm not playing anything. I wrestled with this decision.
B: Which you made without me.
A: I tried to do what I thought was right.
 
When Angel chooses in this episode, he chooses for both himself and Buffy.
 
A: I'm sorry if I handled it wrong. What else was I supposed to do?
B: I don't know. I just know that when you're around, whether I see you or not, I feel you. Inside. And it throws me.
A: Throws me, too.
B: So let's just stick to the plan. We'll keep our distance until a lot of time has passed. Given enough time we should be able to...
A: Forget?
B: Yeah. So, I'm gonna go, start forgetting.
 
It's not so much the logical decisions he makes that are the problem, it's what's that driving them. It isn't distance that's the problem. It's proximity. It isn't forgetting that's the problem, it's remembering. Buffy turns to go. It's almost nine o'clock.

The Moyra demon bursts through the window. There's a huge, really welldone fight. The demon exits again through the window. Buffy ends up accidentally in Angel's arms, horizontally. Discomfort. They decide to go after it. Ah, comfortable now. Interesting. "The Buffy and Angel show", Cordy tells Doyle, as they depart for the pub. "First they talk out their differences, and then they punch them out." Hmm. Slayers and their Demon Lovers, there should be a play.
 
She changes first, into something white. Perfect attire for the sewers of Los Angeles. Angel objects to Buffy's wielding of stake, which is odd (and it's so little, that stake, not like the huge one Angel used to level the desk). She questions his choice of weapon (axe) in turn. She wants to be done before dark (it's nine in the morning!). He says he can do it himself. She says she wants to even the score; he says "we're keeping score now?" She's aiming at logic, but that never goes well: "I mean, I only came to see you so I could tell you face-to-face not to see me face-to-face anymore, and I know there's a fly in that logic ointment somewhere, but...":
 
A: No. It is confusing. And I.. When we're apart, it's easier. It hurts. Every day. But I live with it. Now you're - you're right here, and I can actually reach out and - it's more then confusing. It's unbearable.
 
It's not unbearable to be apart, but rather to be together. In his office, before she came, with the clock and the pencil and the stake, he was fine. In control. But emotion is always a fly in his logic ointment. He's happy with Cordy and Doyle, because they care about him and keep their distance. He likes it, that they care, as long as that distance is kept. But Buffy is too close, not far enough away. Time stops. There's no control.
 
B: But we have to bear, right? I mean, what else can we do? It doesn't work with us. It can't.
A: No, I-I can't give you a life, or a future or anything a real girl would want.
 
A real girl. And him not human.
 
B: No matter how much we miss each other.
A: Or what we feel in the moment.
B: If we let something happen here... we'd want more. And nothing's changed. We'd only end up having to leave each other again.
A: And that's the best-case scenario.
B: Oh, boy. I was really jonesing for another heartbreaking sewer talk.
A: I'm sorry.
 
It's impossible. Together they chase their own tails. There's nowhere to go with it. It's a curse. There's a demon inside. And she brings it out of him. He loses control. There is no future. He cannot wind time, cause he has no key.
 
B: You know, I'm on the brink of something back home. I'm actually heading toward a pretty good life now that..
A: I'm out of the picture. That's why I left. I want you to have it.
B: Could we just - find this thing and get this finished? What if it went up?
A: Into the day. Where he knows I can't follow.
B: But I can.
A: Uh, I.. I don't want you going after him alone.
B: Look, it's best all around if we split up. I can handle it.
 
Angel cannot move into the day. There's a ladder, but he can't go up. Only Buffy, in white, can go up into the light. Angel cannot follow. So she goes up, while he goes back. Fights the demon again, and gets demon blood on his hand and, just like that, he becomes human.
 
It's perfect, right? She's human, and now he's not not. He comes back to the office in a daze, stands in the light.
 
A: I want to find out what kind of a demon that was. Ow, my back. It hurts. Everything's..
D: More real, now that you're real?
A: Yeah. I'm mortal now. I have a mortal body. And I'm so - hungry!
 
Now he's a real boy, to her real girl. Now, he's mortal. Now, this is when it starts to really hurt.
 
But first, a small orgy at the fridge, revelling in pure sensation. Chocolate, though not yogurt. Piggy table manners. Liam, first thing we see released is Liam. Human, so no demon. No curse. Where has Angelus gone, then? Seeing Liam, seeing Angel. Who is seeing himself, reflected in the window. Who is wanting... cookie dough fudge mint chip ice cream (mind the cookie dough). Who does remember Buffy's waiting, but sends Cordy after her and tells her not to say what's happened yet, "not until I know what it means". Distancing. Unilateral decisions.
 
Doyle learns the Moyra demon's a "soldier of darkness", taking out "warriors for our side, like you and Buffy". Its "veins run with the blood of eternity", and that blood has "regenerative properties". (Seems a bit counter-intuitive that it should make him human and mortal, then, but let's leave that.) Doyle thinks Angel should celebrate, because "the demon's dead, you're alive". Logical. But Angel wants to know why. He says he's looking for the catch. But he's suddenly asking questions he never asked before:
 
A: What's going on here, Doyle?
D: I don't know. I thought the only way you could be made mortal was if the Powers-That-Be stepped in.
A: What, they could have done this? How come I keep getting the feeling that you're not telling me everything.
D: 'Cause I'm not. We're both on a need to know basis here.
A: I need to know about this. Is this permanent? Am I - am I normal Joe now? Can I have a normal life? I want to speak to the Powers-That-Be.
D: Woah, woah, woah! That's easier said then done, bud. The Powers-That-Be don't live in our reality. You have to approach them through channels. Dangerous channels.
A: Yeah, you know what? Start approaching!
D: All right. All right. Maybe we can try the Oracles. But hey, if they turn you into a toad - don't say I didn't warn you.
 
Okay, this is all a Big Deal. It's his first attempt ever to pin down the PowersThatBe, what they expect from him. And why is he pursuing it now? Because they appear to have released him. Suddenly, he's destiny-free, and it's already making him uneasy.
 
A: 'The Gateway for Lost Souls' is under the post office?
D: It makes sense if you think about it. Now listen, the Oracles are finicky and unpredictable. You do get in, don't dilly-dally. Ask your questions, get out.
A: Aren't you coming?
D: Not allowed. I'm just a lowly messenger, you're a warrior. If your heart is pure - and I do this right... 'We beseech access to the knowing ones' ... we may just survive. You're in.
 
Why are the Oracles guarding the Gateway for Lost Souls? It's like 'abandon hope, all ye who enter here' time. Dinza, Goddess of the Lost. Angel's still got his soul, doesn't he? Well, doesn't he? And where is he lost? Behind the GlitterTwin Oracles, we see a corridor, like one of those dungeon walk passages that stretch out forever and you never get any farther down the hall. And Doyle has forgotten to tell him he needs an offering.
 
Male Oracle: Come before us, lower being.
Female Oracle: What have you brought us?
A: Was I supposed to?
Male Oracle: You call us forth and bring no offering?
A: (offering his wristwatch) I brought you this.
Female Oracle: I like Time. There's so little and so much of it.
 
He brings her time as his offering, he who has been timeless now for two hundred and forty-some years. He wound up the clock with a key, and Buffy came, and the Moyra demon came, and then he became mortal, which means to run out of time, and now he gives time away as his gift to the Oracles. There's so little and so much of it.
 
Male Oracle: Well?
A: What's happened to me?
Female Oracle: It's true then, brother.
Male Oracle: He is no longer a warrior.
A: It was the demon's blood. It wasn't the Powers-That-Be that did this?
Male Oracle: The Powers-That-Be? Did you save humanity? Avert the Apocalypse?
 
Okay, remember Spike taunting Angelus in Becoming: 'someone wasn't worthy'? This is the most definitive statement we ever get on what the Powers That Be might consider worthy enough to reward by making their Champion human. Save humanity and/or avert the apocalypse. Seems to me we've recently seen that done.
 
Female Oracle: You faced a Mohra demon. Life goes on.
A: My life as a human. I'm not poisoned or under some spell?
Female Oracle: The Auguries say no. If it has happened, it was meant to be.
Male Oracle: From this day, you will live and die as any mortal man.

Which is the exact definition Wesley later comes up with for the shanshu described in the prophecies.
 
Female Oracle: Privy to all the attendant pains - and pleasures.
Male Oracle: That which we serve is no longer that which you serve. You are released from your fealty.
A: That's it? I'm free?
 
And this is the part that makes him destiny-free. So at this point Angel has achieved a permanent transition to human, mortal, and not beholden to or doing the bidding of the Powers. Sounds perfect, doesn't it? A perfect day. Now if only he hadn't destroyed the Gem of Amarra, that Buffy sent him so recently, he'd be invincible too. What's wrong with this picture?
 
A: What do I do now? I got this whole new life spread before me. I don't know where to begin.
D: Right. It's overwhelming. You can pretty much do whatever you want now. So the question is, what do you want?
(cut to the sunny beach, where Angel walks up to Buffy and kisses her passionately)
 
What does Angel want? Like a dream come true, isn't it? And there's Buffy right handy, the icing on the cake. Every impediment to their relationship has now been removed, just like that. No demon. No curse. No obligations. So romantic. Couldn't you just die?
 
D: So? Don't they deserve a little happiness after all they've been through?
C: Let me explain the lore here, okay? They suffer, they fight. That's business as usual. They get groiny with one another, the world as we know it falls apart.
D: Well, he's not cursed anymore. And anyway, you can't be sure that they're...
C: Oh, please! They've got the forbidden love of all time. They've been apart for months. Now he's suddenly human? I'm sure they are down there just having tea and crackers.

And actually, they are. Uncomfortably. At opposite ends of the kitchen table. Having the same conversation they've already had. Twice, in this episode alone. The one that goes like this:
 
B: Right. I mean, you spoke to the Oracles and they did say that you were cured for good. But how do we know that they really speak for the Powers? I mean they could be - pranksters.
A: Or there could be another loophole.
B: Exactly. And then the two of us are in even deeper and it's 'grr' all over again.
A: It would be smart to wait a while. See if this mortal thing takes.
 
There's a loophole, alright. It's Angel's loop. The demon's gone, the curse is gone, he's got a heartbeat, he's got the girl. But he's still stuck. Completely.
 
B: Exactly. And even if it does, it's still complicated.
A: You're still the Slayer. And I'm not sure what I am now. I don't know what my purpose is. I can't just wedge myself into your life back in Sunnydale. It wouldn't be good for either of us. Not to mention
the fact that you just started college. And what about slaying. I mean, if you had me to worry about, you might not be as focused.
B: Are you going to pull out a pie chart on me now? 'Cause I get it, it's not necessary.
A: I'm not saying I don't want you, Buffy. You know how much.. I'm just saying it's worth the wait to know that it's right. I need to be sure you won't get hurt again.
B: You know it's a good thing I didn't fantasize about you turning human only about 10 zillion times, because today would have been a real let down. So how does the mature plan go? You call me? I call you? What?
A: We stay in touch. Just not..
B: Literally. Funny. Okay, I'd better..
A: Right. Remove the temptation.
 
Relieved of all his problems, Angel's instinct remains clearly focussed on restoring distance, regaining control. "I don't know what my purpose is." The Slayer has a destiny she'd like to be free of. But Angel cannot do without his destiny. He talks about protecting her. But there's nothing in him to protect her from. Is it just habit that makes him retreat?
 
In fact we get to find out. Because in the process of removing the temptation, she touches him and suddenly he's sweeping the kitchen table clean, raiding the fridge naked and bringing food back to bed with them. "Mmm", Buffy says. "This is a dream. You're human for like a minute and already there's Cookie-dough-fudge-mint-chip in the fridge." Again with the cookie dough. Which Cordy has picked up. She listens to his heart beat. He promises her another perfect day tomorrow. And Buffy falls asleep "just like I've always wanted to. Like a normal girl, falling asleep in the arms of her normal boyfriend. It's perfect."
 
But as she sleeps Doyle gets another vision (and isn't that odd, considering that Angel's already been given his walking papers by the Powers). The demon's regenerated. Angel goes to kill it again, but now he's only human. The demon talks about the End of Days that is coming (complete with cookie dough, yep yep). Buffy has to go to save him.
 
It won't do. Back Angel goes to the Oracles.
 
A: The Mohra demon said the end of days had begun. That others were coming, soldiers of darkness. I need to know if he was telling the truth.
Male Oracle: As far as such things can be told.
A: What happens to the Slayer when these soldiers come?
Female Oracle: What happens to all mortal beings. Albeit sooner in her case.
A: She'll die? Then I'm here to beg for her life.
Male Oracle: It is not our place to grant life and death.
 
So it is the Slayer's destiny to die at the End of Days, when the soldiers of darkness come. Huh.
 
A: And ask you to take mine back. Look I can't protect her or anyone this way, not as a man.
Female Oracle: You're asking to be what you were, a demon with a soul, because of the Slayer?
Male Oracle: Oh, this is a matter of love. It does not concern us.
A: Yes, it does. The Mohra demon came to take a warrior from your cause - and it succeeded. I'm no good to you like this. I know you have it in your power to make this right. Please.
Male Oracle: What is done cannot be undone.
Female Oracle: What is not *yet* done can be avoided.
Male Oracle: Temporal folds are not to indulge the whims of lower beings.
Female Oracle: You are wrong. This one is willing to sacrifice every drop of human happiness and love he's ever known for another. He is *not* a lower being.
 
The Female Oracle rather inclines to the romantic view. But is it, a matter of love? They don't grant that request. He asks them to restore his previous condition, to become again a warrior on behalf of the Powers. He asks them, essentially, to restore his Purpose. Is this a sacrifice? "Every drop of human happiness and love he's ever known for another." How many drops does that make, for Angel?
 
Then he goes back to his apartment to tell Buffy there will be no more perfect days, and in fact she is about to lose the only one she's got. Once again, he has decided and acted, ostensibly on her behalf.  But the logic of it unravels with her questions:
 
B: What? Why?
A: Because more then ever I know how much I love you.
B: No. No, you didn't.
A: If I stay mortal one of us will wind up dead. Maybe both of us. You heard what Mohra said.
B: Mohra's gone. We killed him.
A: He said others would come.
B: They always come. And they always will. But that's my problem now, not yours, remember?
A: No, I won't just stand by and let you fight, maybe die, alone.
B: Then we fight together.
A: Buffy. You saw what happened last night. If anything I'm a liability to you. You take chances to protect me, and that's not just bad for you, it's bad for the people we were meant to help.
B: So what? You just took a whole 24 hours to weigh the ups and downs of being a regular Joe and decided it was more fun being a superhero?
A: You know that's not it. How can we be together if the cost is your life, or the lives of others? I know. I couldn't tell you. I wasn't sure if I could do it if I woke up with you one more morning.
B: I understand. So, what happens now?
 
What, indeed? Okay, let's be oracles. He does come, albeit rather at the prodding of Wolfram & Hart, to stand with Buffy at the End of Days. But in the intervening years, he does not guard the Slayer's back. It's basically the same deal he later makes with Wolfram & Hart over Connor: he gets to remember, everyone else forgets. Just before the End of Days. Making decisions alone on behalf of them all. How selfless a bargain is that, for him to remember, really? Is he dooming himself to experience the guilt? Or is he removing their ability to judge him for his actions? And this time, we cannot possibly blame Angelus. There is no Angelus when he makes his second trip to the Gateway of Lost Souls. This one's down to Angel alone. Human, for the second time. Darla, I think, did much better
with her second chance.
 
B: When?
A: Another minute.
B: (crying) A minute? No. No, it's not enough time!
A: We don't have a choice. It's done.
B: How am I supposed to go on with my life knowing what we had? What we could have had?
A: You won't. No one will know but me.
B: Everything we did.
A: It never happened.
B: It did. It did. I know it did! I felt your heart beat.
A: Buffy..
(looks at clock)
B: Oh God. It's not enough time.
A: Shh, please. Please. Please, please.
B: I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget.
(White flash dissolves to Angel's office the previous day.)
 
Is this love we're looking at? A lot of the B/A ship is based on this episode. That he acts out of love, makes a noble sacrifice in order to save her. It's true, he says it's about love. He says it's to guard her back. But he acts to restore their distance, to regain his purpose. He walks away.
 
B: So, then let's just stick to the plan. Keep our distance until time has passed. Given enough time - we should be able to..
A: Forget.
B: Yeah. So - I'm gonna go - start forgetting.
(Demon attacks, Angel kills it, the clock is smashed)
B: That was unreal. How did you know how to kill it?
A: It's a Mohra demon. I had a lot of time to catch up on my reading.
 
Distance. Time. Real. Forgetting. Game death resets the level. Angel has had a lot of time to catch up. They're back in the office, twenty-four hours back. There's the clock, the desk, the pencil, the stake. The level. On the level. Maintaining distance. In control.
 
B: Yeah. Okay. So I guess we've covered it, right?
A: I guess we did.
B: And that's all there really is to say.
A: Yeah. That's it.
 
It's the real end of the whole thing with Buffy, as Buffy doesn't get to remember. Angel, unencumbered, has acted definitively to restore stasis. To restore distance between him and Buffy. To reject shanshu in order to reclaim his destiny to shanshu! "Never going to change." He's choosing not to be a real boy. There's a fly in his logic ointment. "So the question is", Doyle says to him, "what do you want?" And the answer seems to be, nothing. Distance. Time. Unbearable.
 
She goes, into the day, where he cannot follow. He smashed the clock, he gave his watch away. He does his level best. There's nothing more to say. It takes a stake to level up that desk.
 
It never happened.
 

macha
written 31 aug 2003