Subject: [OTL]: Candlelit [Nightcrawler/Amanda Sefton][PG-relationships] Date: Sat, 16 Dec 2000 00:18:08 -0800 From: Mel Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. They belong to Marvel. I have not earned any money. Heavy emotiony stuff. Thanks to my helpers. You know who you are. Candlelit By Mel Amanda looked at the table. There were candles. And wine glasses. And a tiny vase with miniature roses. Her heart sank. Kurt smiled, a flash of bright teeth against the midnight blue of his face, his eyes wrinkled with humour. But Amanda knew him better than she knew herself. She knew that twitch of his tail, that flutter of his fingertips. She knew he was nervous. She smiled in response and sat down as he, always a gentleman, pulled out then replaced her chair. It had been two months since they'd last met, but one of the things Amanda treasured about Kurt, and there were many, was that when their other lives intervened it never changed what they felt. Two minutes, two months, there was always a sense of comfort and homecoming in letting her eyes rest on him. Something turned over in her chest every time. This time nothing was different. Shadows drew close, chased off briefly when Kurt lit the candles, an ongoing battle between light and shade fought around the edges of the room as the breath of their talk spun the flames in circles of glee. Only something had changed. Amanda felt her skin ache with lack before she realised what it was. Kurt, a man who always believed in contact, in brushing skin, hugs and caresses, hadn't touched her once since he'd greeted her with a hug. With that realisation, she felt a terrible sinking, a pulling of all her breath out of her body. She stopped in the middle of the sentence and leaned forward, grabbing Kurt's hand. "What's happened?" Her voice trembled as she felt the cold of his fingers, unnaturally cold in the warm evening. Kurt's yellow gaze dropped, then rose again to capture hers as his fingers wrapped around hers. "My love. I must tell you something." Amanda felt her clasp tightening to taloned grip on his hands. He didn't react and that by itself scared Amanda more. "I have been thinking about it for a long time, and then the decision was made. I fear... I fear..." His eyes darkened and slipped to her hands in his. "I do not fear, I know that this is final." Amanda's breath shattered in her throat and she blinked, the only movement in a face she could feel settling into a blank mask of hidden pain. "What... what decision?" She felt the burn as his eyes travelled that mask, in the way a dying mother examines the face of her child. She saw the image of her, wide-eyed, honey-toned from the candlelight, hair like bright flame surrounding that still face, in his eyes. She could see that image being tucked away, as if it were a last chance in that rapier mind. "You are my heart," Kurt said, his voice soft, but not apologetic. "But my soul is God's." Amanda knew Kurt better than she knew herself. She knew now what decision he'd made. She knew that he was right, it was final. In the silence the candle flames grew tall and light won the battle of the walls. There was a sigh, a waver of light and Amanda pulled her hands away from Kurt's as though his were made of glass. She picked up one of the tiny white roses. "I should tell you that I know this is the right decision for you," she said, delicately pulling off petals. "I should tell you that I'll support you. I should say that you're wise in this choice." She methodically stripped the petals from the stem. "I should hug you and wish you well. I should smile and bear this well." With a final twist of her wrist, she pulled off the last leaf and finally her eyes snapped up to meet his eyes. "But I can't. I can't do that, Kurt. I know that it's true, and I love you. That means all that stuff about loving and letting go. But I can't. You're my heart, Kurt. My soul too. And I know that nothing I say could change your mind. Right now, it shouldn't." He was looking at her now, and she knew he wasn't surprised. As well as she knew him, he knew her. They were two halves of a heart, two halves of a whole. At this moment, in this second, she couldn't bear it. Abruptly she stood, the chair legs scraping the ground in sound less discordant than her feelings. Kurt stood too. "I cannot say I'm sorry, Amanda." He wasn't smiling. He wasn't pitying. He was so terribly Kurt. It was the worst thing of all. Amanda's fingers dug into her palms. She couldn't find the words to say what she felt. She couldn't think of a way to explain that it wasn't only he who was giving up earthly love. A shared celibacy without a shared God. She turned, leaving too much unsaid, and yet knowing that he knew what she would have said. Knowing that for all she didn't say, he hadn't answered. Amanda left, not saying goodbye. Not saying anything. Because some partings are too permanent for words. Some are too big for false promises. Amanda knew, in some part of her filled with secret truths, that if you must let your love go, you must let it go forever. She walked out that door. Kurt quietly closed it behind her and blew out the candles, giving the shadows their victory. -=Fine=- Feedback! Please please please! I will love you forever. :) Also, ask before archiving.