In His Shadow

by Night Nymph

Summary: Spike decides he will find out what is wrong with Buffy and find a way to make it right. What he gets is a little more than he bargained for and perhaps not what it seems to be. Starts after "Normal Again."

Rating: R

Disclaimers: The characters are still not mine. The back-story is still not mine. Hope Joss doesn't mind me borrowing them again.

Spoilers: Everything up to "Normal Again."

Distribution: You can have it if you want it, just e-mail me first.

Dedication: This one is for w-e-coyote, Darryl J, CraZchica, Aquila, and Ivy who reviewed my first fanfic - you guys gave me the motivation to post this one - and for my husband who has always encouraged me.

Thanks: A big thank you to my betas Letta, Treacle Antlers and Canela for their excellent advice and input. I couldn't have done this without them. Any mistakes herein are mine.
 

Chapter 1: Downtown

Spike prowled the darkened neighborhood on the outskirts of downtown Sunnydale. He wasn't being followed, and in a way, that fact bothered him. This was prime hunting territory, and the place should be crawling with nasties. Besides, he could use a good fight to calm his nerves. No such luck, though, as the goal of his search came into view just a block ahead.

Finding the demon had been easier than Spike anticipated. The bloke wasn't necessarily shy. This in itself gave Spike pause. Demons generally liked to keep themselves low profile, especially in a town where a known Slayer resided. Those that didn't... well, he, himself, a few years ago, was a fair example, and Spike now wouldn't have wanted to meet up with his counterpart from back then. For one thing, he probably would have thought his past self too flashy and reckless - well, right before his past self staked him in the back, that is. And this demon put the Spike of old to shame in the bravado department. Not good.

His intuition told him to forget the whole thing and go home. Hell, Spike knew he was no poof. He still loved a good brawl, but he had to admit somewhat sheepishly that he was a bit more cautious now. His days of confronting demons he knew little about on their own turf were few and far between. His run ins with Doc had reminded him none too gently that even an unassuming and polite demon could be more dangerous than it appeared. Maybe that's why he found himself a bit reluctant now. God, just quit being a git, and get the hell on with it, he told himself.

But he couldn't just yet. As he looked at the boldly colored structure with the garish gargoyle decorations, Spike wondered what magics or other defenses kept this bloke safe from attack. The building's appearance just goaded any demons in the vicinity, daring them to come and best its occupant. No one could have that big a death wish. Maybe, if Spike was lucky, this demon was all false swagger, smoke and mirrors, the little old man behind the great and powerful Oz. Yeah, right. Like he was that lucky.

Something else in the back of Spike's mind nagged at him. Why had he not noticed the building before? Well, this never was his part of town, so maybe that was it. Either that, or there was strong magic involved. Maybe you can only see the building's true nature if you are intentionally looking for the demon. This thought did little to encourage him. He never did like people messing around with his head, nor did he underestimate the dangers of magics - another point that had been driven home to him mercilessly in the last few months. Bloody hell, he was buggered. He just knew it. Well, like all buggerings, best to get it over with. He reached for the ornate knocker on the large wooden door.

Spike should have been surprised when the door swung open before his hand even reached the knocker, but he wasn't. Messing with my head it is then, he thought. Balls.

*********

The demon Gnash couldn't believe his eyes. The vampire really was standing on his doorstep, not three feet in front of him. He must either have a huge pair of brass ones or he must be the most foolish individual on the planet. Did the vampire really think there wasn't a demon in Sunnydale who didn't know who or what he was? Spike. William the Bloody Traitor.

The magic wards warned Gnash that someone was seeking his services, so that must be what the vampire wanted, but surely he must know better. Most demons, including him, had lost an acquaintance or had some plan or another foiled as a result of the treasonous bloodsucker. He had gall to even be standing in a real demon's presence. How could he think he wouldn't be dusted on sight? Okay, true, most demons with half a brain were hesitant to mess with Spike too seriously. If anyone dusted the Slayer's pet vampire, she was certain to find out who it was. She did have powerful witches on her team after all, and few demons wanted to discover firsthand what her idea of revenge might be once she found them. This was especially true now that rumors strongly hinted she and the vampire were lovers.

But there were other, more subtle ways to cause harm, and despite his outward bravado, Gnash's methods were nothing if not subtle. Evil often was. All he had to do was find the vampire's weakness. Every creature had at least one. Find that, and he could do some damage. Perhaps because of Spike's association with the Slayer, Gnash might even be able to take her down with the vampire. What a lovely thought. He smiled, a reaction his visitor was sure to misinterpret, and moved aside with a magnanimous gesture to allow the vampire entrance.

*********

Spike watched the demon carefully as he passed over the threshold. No humans residing here, he thought after finding no barrier, a seemingly absurd observation except that nowadays humans represented a threat he couldn't effectively counter without risking a severe headache. He perused the interior without trying to look obvious about it, and his newfound optimism flagged a little. Too organized, too precise, he thought. He felt something that sent a crawling sensation down his spine, and figured that it was magic energy, something that almost always made him twitchy. As if in confirmation, his gaze caught the bookcase lined with grimoires, agents of black magic he didn't have to see up close to divine their nature. Evil. The thought flashed into his brain. That's all right. I'm evil, too. Should feel right at home. Should, being the operative word.  Finally, unable to take the silence any longer and afraid he'd lose his nerve, Spike reluctantly turned his gaze back to the demon. He almost gave up right there. The demon's black eyes and angled face reminded Spike of a snake. His strong torso and thick skin made him look like he could down an ox with one blow. But even that would have been okay. Spike had fought strong nasties before. It was the fact that the demon's body almost thrummed with magical power that left a lump in Spike's throat. He cleared it with a rough sound.

"Right, then. I have it on good authority that you're an expert on dimensional travel and magic energy associated with said travel..."

"And you wish to do some dimensional travel?" Gnash asked him.

Spike frowned. The demon's tone was not genuine, and Spike knew it. The bloke knew damn well that was not why he was here, so why did he ask? Keep your calm, he told himself. "No thanks, mate. Not much for the magic myself."

"Most vampires aren't, but you're not like most vampires."

"Right. Look, can I tell you what I want before you make me do whatever I need to do to get my answer? Just to make sure you can actually do it. I'd hate to go through a lot of trouble for nothin'."

"Seems fair. What do you want? I assume magic is involved?"

"Yeh," Spike said as he pulled the lace underwear from his duster pocket. "This lady recently was... She was put through some serious mojo of the dimensional variety. It did something to her. Not sure what. This is something of hers from after her... From after she got..."

"Mojoed?" Gnash asked with an amused smirk. He reached for the garment.

Spike simply nodded as he reluctantly let the lacy fabric leave his fingers and slip into the slightly taloned ones of the demon. Almost immediately he felt something insinuating itself into his mind, and a moment later, he knew what it was. Spike felt the sensations of that night rush through him; the exhilaration of their fight, the shock and pleasure of the kiss that followed, and then... things started getting a bit personal. Spike growled and narrowed his eyes as he noticed the lustful look on the demon's face while he vicariously relived Spike's experience with Buffy. He tried to get the memories to stop and to get the demon out of his mind, but neither effort worked.

The demon didn't seem to notice anything his visitor was doing, focused as he was on the vampire's impassioned memories, but soon his look lost its lascivious taint to finally become slightly disgusted. Spike smirked a bit as he figured out what caused the change. The demon was perfectly content with the lust and the passion alright, but he didn't like the love that was also there. Nope, not one bit. Sensing his annoyance, Spike made it a point to focus on the love. He wasn't going to let this demon have his thrills at his or the Slayer's expense without paying for it.

Gnash broke the contact early, clearly perturbed. Gone was the previous pleasant tone to his voice, this harsh tone much more like his nature, Spike was sure. "You can't fool me, Vampire. I can tell there was much more passion and lust that night than..."

"You know nothing, mate," Spike interrupted him. "With her there's always something more. Always."

Gnash stared at him, his feral eyes showing contempt. "And that is why you are an inferior breed. Humanity taints you. And you even more so than other vampires I've met."

Spike lifted his chin a bit, and gestured around Gnash's home. "Like your poncy style says 'demon'. 'Sides I don't see it as a shortcoming. More like an endearing character trait. Variety is the spice of life and all that rot. Makes unlife interesting."

Gnash snorted. "In your case it only seems to make you miserable."

"Not always blood and peaches, I admit, but makes the good times that much better. Unlike some blokes, I like a challenge. Always did."

"Like searching for a happiness you'll never find?" Gnash questioned.

"I could say the same for you, mate. How often do you so-called 'real demon' types actually get what you want? I don't see hellfire in the streets or chaos everywhere. The world still spins."

"Touché, vampire. Now, enough of this! If you want to know whether I can tell you what's wrong with her and how to fix it, the answer is yes, I can, but for a price."

"There's always a bleeding price," Spike snorted.

"As you well know. What was your price for this night?" Gnash indicated Buffy's lace underwear with a flick of his hand before he tossed it back to Spike.

Spike caught the garment and returned it to the safety of his pocket. He lowered his eyebrows menacingly. "Don't know what you mean..."

"Oh, yes, you do, vampire. Things were never quite the same after that night, were they? And not in a good way." His voice had returned to the forced congeniality, perhaps because the words were more damaging that way.

"You don't know..."

"I see many things..."

"Look mate, I don't care what you bloody see! Just tell me what I have to do to get my sodding answer. That's all I want from the likes of you!"

"Fine. Here's what I want you to do..."

*********

Gnash had to suppress his smile as he explained to the vampire what he wanted in return for his answer. The raw emotion from Spike was wonderful. Made him easier to read. A little more prodding and he just might have the answer he wanted.

"So, this shouldn't be too hard," Gnash wrapped up his explanation. "I may be a demon, but I do have to breathe, so getting the amulet would be difficult even with my dimensional traveling abilities. You don't have that problem."

"Okay," Spike said dubiously. "But this amulet. It isn't going to destroy the world or anything, is it?"

"Why would you care?"

"Well first off, it would make getting my answer a moot point, being as I wouldn't be able to enjoy it."

"So confident you will be happy with your answer, huh? Think you can play the hero? Fix what's wrong with her, and she'll fall into your arms?"

The vampire's eyes flashed fire for a moment, but he buried the emotions quickly. "I don't do the hero bit. Must have me confused with another vampire."

Gnash felt something the moment the words came out of Spike's mouth. Not a hatred, no definitely not that. Something else. Something worse. Something that caused an aching in the vampire's psyche that could never be alleviated, a measure he felt he could never quite live up to, whether it be a standard of evil or a standard of good. And to the vampire, this other represented both. Gnash smiled. There it was. "Don't worry, I give you my word the amulet does not threaten your precious world."

He watched the vampire search his eyes for deceit, then nod in assent to take on the mission. Gnash began preparing for Spike's journey quickly. He had his own preparations to make. With his dimension-traveling abilities, he could go somewhere with his books and take all the time he needed to find just the right thing to take the vampire down. It would be easier to do now. He had found Spike's weakness.

*********

On the other side of town, Buffy staked another vampire. She didn't even bother brushing its dust from her clothing. Is this all I am now? Simply a demon killer, an instrument just like the council wanted? She continued walking down the row of tombstones but no longer saw them, lost instead in thought. There was a time, in the beginning, when Buffy was afraid of her calling. It took time, but slaying finally grew into... well, a somewhat comfortable burden. Still later there had even been times when she had to reluctantly admit to enjoying it. Others still when she had needed it. When her powers had been taken away from her during the trial of her eighteenth birthday, she had panicked. An instinctual part of her had been lost that she had only then realized was as necessary to her as breath. Hunting, Dracula had called it, and he'd been right. When she'd first returned from the dead, it seemed the only normal thing in her life. Patrolling with Spike almost passed for a social activity - one where she didn't have to be all "I'm fine" Buffy. He understood. Killing is what they both did. That they now killed the same things had been an odd twist of fate, but... that was where the similarities between them used to end. Now Buffy sometimes wondered if she didn't feel as dead as Spike was.

For a while, Spike had been her refuge from that feeling, but he'd eventually wanted more, forcing her to deal with things she didn't want to face. So she had walked away and left him with nothing, or next to nothing. At one time he might have been happy with her wanting him, but as he changed, he wanted more. She couldn't give it. He was a vampire, soulless and without remorse, and he always would be. No matter how much he had changed or how much he said he loved her, he could never change that fact, and it was something she couldn't allow herself to get past. Damn him for trying to make her forget that, for taking advantage of her weakness. Stupid evil vampire. And here I am again, she thought, doing the only thing that feels like mine. I should be out looking for those nerds. But she didn't feel like it. She didn't feel like much of anything – once again. God, was her life so bad that the idea that she was just a crazy girl in an institution - with Mom and Dad just waiting for her to get well – actually something she thought was appealing for a moment there? She would have to change that. For Dawn's sake.  For her friends' sakes. Hell, even for my own sake, Buffy thought, and finally felt as if she had made a decision that could make a difference.

Her head shot up, and as she engaged another vampire, Buffy grumbled, annoyed that he had rudely interrupted her train of thought. She tossed off the requisite insult. "Excuse me, some of us are thinking here. In words of more than one syllable, even. Maybe you should try it?"

Okay, so her heart wasn't in the witty repartee tonight. Not like the vampire would be around much longer to remember it. The fight took a few minutes, and by the time his dust joined that of the previous vampire on her clothes, Buffy had forgotten what it was she had been thinking about. She knew it had been important... After taking a moment to survey the graveyard, she pushed forward, looking for something else to slay.

TBC