Title: Buffy's Decision OR "And The Winner Is.." Author: Pattyanne Summary: A little response to the TV guide poll discussion. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Angel: You have to choose. Buffy: I know. It's a tough decision. Spike: No, it's not. You've just been programmed to think that it is. Buffy: What's THAT supposed to mean? Spike: I dunno. Just seems like you let other people do most of your thinking for you and they always seem to be making bad decisions. Angel: Stop picking on her! Spike: (Annoyed sigh) Oh, fine. Let's do it the scientific way. Buffy: I don't think so. I failed science twice. Spike: That's just cause you were never in class. Get a piece of paper and pencil....now draw a line down the middle...label one side 'Spike' and one side 'Asshole....I mean, Angel'. Angel: Oh, this is VERY scientific. Spike: Change it back to 'Asshole'. No? Right then...answer me some questions. Who helped you save the world three times? Buffy: You did. Spike: Put a little X on my side of the paper. That's my girl. Angel: Technically, I helped with the last one, too. Spike: Yeah. You made that long grueling trip from LA to deliver a necklace. Right dangerous THAT was. Angel: Hey! That necklace was key! Spike: All right. Give him half an X. Satisfied? Now, who DIED helping you save the world? Buffy: You did. I know, I know...I'm X-ing. Angel: Excuse me? Acathla? Spike: Are you fucking kidding me? You didn't volunteer for that, you buggering moron! Angel: I still died. Spike: You came back! Angel: So did you! Spike: That's different. Buffy: Hey! Can we get to the next question please? Spike: No X for you, pal. Buffy: He's right, Angel. Besides, you started that one. Spike: Hey, that's right! Take off that half an X. Angel: Wait a second! Buffy: Next question, please! Spike: Who's better in bed? Angel: Hold it! Spike: What? That's something a girl has to think about when she's making a decision like this. Angel: Are you implying that you're better? Spike: Ask the lady. Angel: Buffy? Say something! Buffy: Oh, um...well...I just...you know...we...you and me...we only...just the one time...and then you...and I was...you know, young...I didn't really have any...um...and you're kind of...and Spike is really....I mean...oh, but...THAT doesn't count...much. You know, I think...um...." Spike: Well, I think THAT little speech is grounds for a great BIG X on my side, don't you, Peaches? Buffy: And besides...we should be...not totally basing this on...on who's...although...a girl DOES have to think about these things when...well...and...and....oh, dear..." Spike: What's wrong, baby? Buffy: I'm thinking about it. God, Spike...it's been so long. Spike: Soon, baby. I promise. Mark down the X now. Angel: This is SO not fair. She loved ME first! Spike: Well, she loves ME now! Angel: I am NOT bad in bed!!!! Spike: Buffy? Who gave you more orgasms? Me or the poof? Buffy: Let me think. (Begins counting under her breath) Angel: THAT is a totally unfair question! Spike: Whoever told you that life is fair? If life was fair, we wouldn't even be having this discussion. Buffy: (still counting) 122, 123, 124.... Angel: I was only with her one night. You had months with her. Spike: It's not MY fault you only had one night. You're the one couldn't control his demon. Buffy: 182, 183, 184... Angel: And you could? Spike: I did. For years. Angel: You had a chip! Spike: Oh, buggering Christ...here we go. Buffy: 210, 211, 212.... Spike: The chip meant nothing, asshole! I could have gotten around if I'd wanted to. Buffy: 229, 230, 231....my hand is starting to cramp. Spike: Sorry, baby. You can stop with the Xs now. Buffy: I need another piece of paper. Spike: Now, let's discuss.... Angel: Wait a second. Not even one X on my side? We were together all night! Buffy: Well...like I said...you're kind of... and Spike is really.... Spike: Sometimes, it IS the size of the boat! Angel: I don't believe this. Spike: Let's discuss souls. Angel: Aha!!! I had mine first!! Spike: I went looking for mine. I fought for it. Nearly died for it. Can anyone tell me why? Buffy: ( Happily raising her hand) Oh! I can! You did it for me! Spike: That's right, kitten. You're such a clever girl. Angel: I think I'm gonna be sick. Spike: Let's wrap this up then. Buffy... Buffy: Hmmm? Spike: Who loves you more than anything on earth? Who's loved no one but you for years now? Buffy: You do, Spike. Angel: So so I!!! Spike: (picks up a newspaper) Hey, look at that! Gonna be a full moon tonight. S'pose that means your puppy will be showing up soon. Buffy: You have a puppy? Angel: She's not a puppy. (Looks guilty, mumbles) She's a werewolf. Buffy: You have a werewolf? Angel: But I don't love her! Spike: Oh, that's right. You're just boffing her for kicks. Angel: Yes. NO! I mean...it's not like that...you...hey! Spike: No, you LOVED Cordelia. Buffy: WHHHAAAATTT??? Angel: Oh, Jesus.... Spike: And I think you had a little something for Fred, too. Angel: EVERYONE had something for Fred! Spike: Not me, mate. I liked her fine. She was a real lady. But I love Buffy. I always will. Buffy: Who's Fred? Spike: Our last topic is gypsy curses. Angel: Oh, no... Spike: Oh, yes. Who's got one? Buffy: Angel! Spike: That's right, darling. Now, who DOESN'T have one? Buffy: Lots of people. Spike: Yeah, but...who in this room doesn't have one? Buffy: You and me. Spike: Another X on my side there, love. Buffy: I'm out of room. Spike: Well, then let's add up our scores. Buffy: Does anybody have a calculator? Angel: No. And don't start counting again. It's humiliating. Buffy: That's okay. I really don't need to. (Turns to Angel) I'll always care about you, Angel...but I belong with blondie over there. Angel: He's not a natural blonde, you know. Buffy: Oh, I know...believe me, I know. Anyway, you have lots to do here in LA, and I'm just not in the mood. Angel: Buffy....I'm your first love. How can you do this? Buffy: Oh, for goodness sake, Angel. You've really got to get past that "First Love" thing. I was a kid, for crying out loud. I didn't know any better. And, anyway...Spike is really...and you're kind of.... Angel: Okay, okay!! Don't say it again. Here. (Tosses keys to Spike) Take the Viper. Go. Spike: (Takes Buffy's hand) Shall we, love? Buffy: (Eagerly) Yes, please. How big is the back seat of a Viper? Spike: Let's go find out. Big Musical Bang Up Finish. Curtains Closing. Mad Applause.