Title:  Green Eyed Christmas
Author: Pattyanne
           snapkik@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: None of the BtVS
characters belong to me.
Feedback: Yes, please.




Part four....


~~~~~~~~~~
"Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you..."
~~~~~~~~~~


Clutching the gaily wrapped present in one
clammy hand, Buffy silently vowed never to fall
asleep again watching "It's A Wonderful Life".

A classic holiday tale it just might be, but it also
had a tendency to bring on strange dreams...or
maybe clear a person's cluttered and confused mind,
she couldn't decide.

Whichever it was, she had woken up with tears on
her face and the butterflies-in-the-tummy fear that
perhaps...just perhaps...she'd made the biggest mistake
of her own, not-so-wonderful life.

Now, with one hand on the gift as the other smoothed
her hair nervously, she stepped inside the Bronze and
looked around the room for Spike.

When Willow had called to invite her out, she had
mentioned in the most casual of tones that Spike was
already there with Melinda. Buffy had done her best to
sound just as casual when she'd agreed to drop by for
a while, but Willow was good at picking unspoken meaning
out of a person's voice, and she probably hadn't been
fooled.

Stationing herself by the bar, she watched Spike and
Melinda out of the corner of her eye. They weren't being
particularly intimate with each other, just sitting and
talking really, but they looked so comfortable together.
How could she interfere with that, when she had been
the one to tell Spike to leave her alone and move on?

**But I was wrong!  It was a huge, horrible, awful mis-
take, and I'm sorry I ever said it!  I was stupid and
stubborn...and I'm sorry. Spike....I'm sorry.**

She stood there, watching them talk and laugh, until
she was afraid she might actually be sick.

**How do I fix this?**


~~~~~~~~~~
"Merry Christmas, darling
We're apart, that's true
But I can dream, and in my dreams
I'm Christmas-ing with you..."
~~~~~~~~~~


"Buffy! Merry Christmas eve!"

She turned and saw Xander standing next to her,
holding a piece of raggedy mistletoe over her head.

"Hi," she said, as brightly as she could manage. "Um..Merry
Christmas eve to you, too."  She tilted her face and allowed
him to kiss her cheek.

He made a teasing grab at the gift in her hand. "For me?
I thought we weren't exchanging gifts until tomorrow night."

Buffy sighed. She just wasn't in the mood for Xander's
clown act at the moment. "No, it's for...for someone else."

"Well, come and sit with us," he said, reaching for her
hand.

She took a step back. "Later...I will. You go on back. I
need to talk to someone."

It took her another minute and a half to get him on his
way, and when she finally did, she looked over and saw
that Spike was alone at the table.

He didn't look as cheerful as he had when Melinda had
been sitting there with him.  That was a bad sign. In
fact, he was staring rather morosely into a glass of some
dark, nasty looking ale.

**What are you thinking about?  Do you miss me...or
do you miss HER?  Spike....help me. I don't know what to
do...what to say.**

Well, standing here wasn't going to accomplish anything. If
she did it much longer, Xander would come looking for her
again, and she just couldn't handle that right now.

Taking a deep breath, she made her way slowly across
the crowded room.

~~~~~~~~~~
"Holidays are joyful
There's always something new
But everyday's a holiday
When I'm close to you.."
~~~~~~~~~~

"Hi," she said, feeling ridiculously shy.

Spike glanced up, and she was surprised to see a
brief flash of surprise and happiness in his eyes.

But he shuttered it all too quickly, and his face composed
itself into a mildly friendly expression. "Buffy. Merry Christmas."

"Um...yeah. Merry Christmas."  Her eyes wandered around
the room, checking for the approach of any of her friends,
or his date. "Can I talk to you?"

His eyes narrowed slightly. "I suppose so," he said,
nudging out a chair for her. "Want something to drink?"

Buffy had no doubt that if she tried to pick up a glass
of anything, she'd end up with it all over her dress, so she
shook her head.

"Um...I was wondering if...if..."  She couldn't come up with
the right words to say, and why should he believe her even
if she did?  Why should he believe anything she said?

"Wondering what?" he prompted.

**Oh, God....just say it. Don't be such a coward. Just
open your mouth and say it.  You didn't have any
trouble being mean to him...just say it...**

"I...I wanted to apologize to you," she said softly. "For
the way we...I...left things last time. I'm sorry...and I
hoped that...well, that we could...could try to.."  She stopped
and swallowed hard, trying to dislodge a painful lump in
her throat.

He wasn't having any trouble understanding what she was
trying to articulate, and he had every right to laugh in her
face, to tell her that he had told her so, that he had been
right all along...and she wouldn't have minded if he did. She
deserved it, and she could take it...as long as he let her
back in afterwards.

But instead, his face remained quite serious, his voice
quiet. He looked down at the table and shook his head.
"No, Buffy. No."


~~~~~~~~~~
"The lights on the tree
I wish you could see
I wish it every day

Logs on the fire, fill me with desire
To see you...and to say..."
~~~~~~~~~~

Somewhere inside of her, Buffy hadn't actually believed
he would turn her down.

Like a child, she'd been confident that she would get
her way with him. And, like a child, she couldn't accept
his rejection.

"Spike," she said earnestly, "I know that...that I was
wrong to say what I did. I just...I didn't think before I
spoke, but I know now what I feel. I've felt it for a long time,
but I couldn't...I wouldn't...admit it, even to myself."

She placed the package down on the table and reached
for his hand.

"The night we spent together...Spike, it wasn't mean-
ingless to me. It was wonderful...so wonderful that I think
I was afraid to feel it. Wonderful has never lasted for me
before...and I...I was afraid of losing it again...knowing how
much it would hurt.  I convinced myself that...that I didn't
care...because I was scared not to."

He sighed deeply, glancing away for a moment.

"But I DO care," she went on, too frightened to stop until
she was sure he believed. "Spike...I love you."

"Buffy," he pulled away from her, shaking his head. "Don't
do this. Please...."

Tears shimmered in her eyes. "I mean it. I love you. I do.
And...and I know you still love me. You're...you're not a
man who would just stop loving someone. I know you...I
know your heart. I know the way you love."

Sitting back in his chair, he looked into her eyes. "Buffy...of
course I still love you. But it's not enough. Not anymore."  He
sighed again. "I'm tired of it, Buffy. Tired of trying so damn
hard...for nothing."

"But...but it wouldn't...." she began, wanting to tell him that
it wouldn't be for nothing. If they could just start again...they
could have everything.

Spike stopped her by raising one hand. "No. Just stop. You're
upset and acting like this for the wrong reasons. Because of
Melinda."

Buffy shook her head, no. "You don't love her. I know you don't."

"I never said I did," he replied. "Not to you...or to her."

"Then why..."

"Because...I want to forget."

Her heart nearly stopped beating.  "Forget...me?"

He was silent for a few seconds, then nodded. "Yes. Forget
you."


~~~~~~~~~~
"That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too..."
~~~~~~~~~~

"Oh."  Her voice was so soft that it was barely audible. "I
see."  The tears in her eyes spilled over and traced slow
paths down her cheeks.  Wiping them away with the back
of her hand, she tried to collect her thoughts, but all she
could hear were the words 'Forget you' echoing in her head.
"Okay. I...I'm sorry that I...that I bothered you. I'll just..."  Her
eyes blind with fresh tears, she lurched to her feet and almost
stumbled.

Spike stood up and held out one hand to keep her from
falling. "Buffy..."

**No. No.  If he touches me...I'll scream...I'll die.**

"I have to go," she stammered. Backing away, her eyes
darted around the room, and she saw Melinda coming out
of the ladies lounge. "I have to go home. I just....I have to
go now."

Turning on one heel, she ran out as best she could
through the crowd of happy people surrounding her.

She actually made it out the door and halfway across
the parking lot before she began to really cry.


~~~~~~~~~~
"I've just one wish
This Christmas eve
I wish I were with you.."
~~~~~~~~~~


Back inside the Bronze, Spike picked up the package
Buffy had left behind.

The label on it read, "For Spike, from Buffy.  With all my love."

"Who's that from?"

He turned to see Melinda standing beside him, smiling
curiously.

Meeting her gaze with his, he couldn't think what to
say.


~~~~~~~~~~
"I've just one wish
This Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you..."
~~~~~~~~~~




TBC.....